<description>A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I’m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name. She’s like, “Ross!”&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

‘He’s on Tinder. I think he might have gone out on one or two dates with Amie with an -ie’s mother as well’

A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I’m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name. She’s like, “Ross!”<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’

<description>So – yeah, no – I’m in the staffroom and I’m chatting to one or two teachers about the Leinster match against La Rochelle: Miss Casey, who teaches something-or-other, and Miss Nealon, who teaches, I don’t know, something else.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

Rhys Reddin is my outside-centre and possibly best player and I’m including my own kids in that

So – yeah, no – I’m in the staffroom and I’m chatting to one or two teachers about the Leinster match against La Rochelle: Miss Casey, who teaches something-or-other, and Miss Nealon, who teaches, I don’t know, something else.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’

<description>I’m packing away the last of the Christmas bits and – yeah, no – I’m throwing out the Advent calendar that someone sent me obviously as a joke. It’s a Blackrock College Advent calendar – which is the same as a regular Advent calendar, except that your daddy opens all of the doors for you!&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

I’m storting to hyperventilate

I’m packing away the last of the Christmas bits and – yeah, no – I’m throwing out the Advent calendar that someone sent me obviously as a joke. It’s a Blackrock College Advent calendar – which is the same as a regular Advent calendar, except that your daddy opens all of the doors for you!<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’

<description>&lt;p&gt;“Okay,” I go, “today we’re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,” and I show the players my famous Rugby Tactics Book.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;p&gt;There are no gasps from the kids, even though there are a lot of rugby coaches out there who would kill to get their hands on it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, no, they all just roll their eyes, probably pissed off at being asked to train in Herbert Pork on New Year’s Day....&lt;/p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href="irishtimes.com" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"&gt;irishtimes.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

Christian goes ‘What are you doing?’ when he sees us out training on New Year’s Day

“Okay,” I go, “today we’re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,” and I show the players my famous Rugby Tactics Book. There are no gasps from the kids, even though there are a lot of rugby coaches out there who would kill to get their hands on it. Yeah, no, they all just roll their eyes, probably pissed off at being asked to train in Herbert Pork on New Year’s Day.... <a href="irishtimes.com" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">irishtimes.com</a><hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’

<description>Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into the living room – we’re talking me, Sorcha and, like I said, her old man – to see her standing there with the famous Elf on the Shelf in her hand.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

The Elf has been on a world tour; selfies in Paris with the Eiffel Tower, lying on Copacabana Beach in Rio

Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into the living room – we’re talking me, Sorcha and, like I said, her old man – to see her standing there with the famous Elf on the Shelf in her hand.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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