<description>“The fock is going on here?” I go. Because – yeah, no – I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws sitting in front of the TV watching, quite literally, a &lt;em&gt;soccer&lt;/em&gt; match? My reaction is basically the same as it would be if I arrived home to find Sorcha in bed with Russell Crowe.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws watching, quite literally, a soccer match

“The fock is going on here?” I go. Because – yeah, no – I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws sitting in front of the TV watching, quite literally, a soccer match? My reaction is basically the same as it would be if I arrived home to find Sorcha in bed with Russell Crowe.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

<description>So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last the summer living out there and I like to check on my investment from time to time.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

I have a bet on with him that he won’t last the summer in Bray, and I swing by to check on my investment

So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last the summer living out there and I like to check on my investment from time to time.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man

<description>I absolutely despise Christian’s wife, Lauren. I say it as well. Not to her face obviously. Sorcha goes, “Ross, you shouldn’t despise anyone.” This coming from the girl who refuses to watch anything with Jake Gyllenhaal in it because he broke Taylor Swift’s hort a life sentence ago.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

We’re at Lauren’s barbecue when she ambushes me for the money I said I’d put aside for Ross jnr when he turned 18

I absolutely despise Christian’s wife, Lauren. I say it as well. Not to her face obviously. Sorcha goes, “Ross, you shouldn’t despise anyone.” This coming from the girl who refuses to watch anything with Jake Gyllenhaal in it because he broke Taylor Swift’s hort a life sentence ago.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’

<description>So the latest “thing” in our house is the &lt;a href="https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/swedish-death-cleaning-put-your-life-in-order-so-loved-ones-needn-t-1.3266938" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"&gt;Swedish death clean&lt;/a&gt;. For those of you who &lt;em&gt;aren’t &lt;/em&gt;married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering method that’s meant to spare your loved ones the trouble of sorting through your shit after you’ve dropped the mic.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

Sorcha had this distant look and was talking at twice her normal speed, like the time she storted on suppositories to try to fit into her old debs dress 

So the latest “thing” in our house is the <a href="https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/swedish-death-cleaning-put-your-life-in-order-so-loved-ones-needn-t-1.3266938" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Swedish death clean</a>. For those of you who aren’t married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering method that’s meant to spare your loved ones the trouble of sorting through your shit after you’ve dropped the mic.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind

<description>The old man says he thinks he might not live long enough to see Leinster win the European Cup again. I tell him I’m only 46 years old and I’m storting to feel the same way.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

We’re in Bilbao airport and I’m suddenly thinking, how am I going to face Sorcha when I get home? Maybe I’ll check into Fitzpatrick’s for a few days

The old man says he thinks he might not live long enough to see Leinster win the European Cup again. I tell him I’m only 46 years old and I’m storting to feel the same way.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’

Described by George Hook as the greatest Irish player never to make it and described by everyone else who knows him as a shallow, self-obsessed idiot.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

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