<description>Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into the living room – we’re talking me, Sorcha and, like I said, her old man – to see her standing there with the famous Elf on the Shelf in her hand.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

The Elf has been on a world tour; selfies in Paris with the Eiffel Tower, lying on Copacabana Beach in Rio

Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into the living room – we’re talking me, Sorcha and, like I said, her old man – to see her standing there with the famous Elf on the Shelf in her hand.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’

<description>“Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo,” Sorcha goes – and not for the first time since we left Dublin. “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo.” And I’m there, “Don’t worry – I’ll, em, let you know when that gets annoying.” She goes, “I’m doing my vocal exercises, Ross. This is a huge night for us.”&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

‘Sorcha, you can’t be a bad person, no matter how hord you try’

“Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo,” Sorcha goes – and not for the first time since we left Dublin. “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo.” And I’m there, “Don’t worry – I’ll, em, let you know when that gets annoying.” She goes, “I’m doing my vocal exercises, Ross. This is a huge night for us.”<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct

<description>The old man says he doesn’t think he’ll bother with Christmas this year – “what with everything”. By which he means, what with it being the first one since the old dear – yeah, no – pegged it. Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Chorles, Fionnuala was &lt;em&gt;such&lt;/em&gt; a Christmas person. She’d want you to celebrate it.”&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

Sorcha and I are getting the decorations in the attic when we find an old video cassette

The old man says he doesn’t think he’ll bother with Christmas this year – “what with everything”. By which he means, what with it being the first one since the old dear – yeah, no – pegged it. Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Chorles, Fionnuala was such a Christmas person. She’d want you to celebrate it.”<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’

<description>Sorcha is in her – &lt;em&gt;literally?&lt;/em&gt; – element. She goes, “This is gorgeous, isn’t it?” &lt;em&gt;This&lt;/em&gt; being the humungous &lt;a href="https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"&gt;Christmas&lt;/a&gt; morket in – believe it or not – Belfast. Honor’s there, “I still don’t understand what we’re even &lt;em&gt;doing&lt;/em&gt; here?” And Sorcha’s like, “Honor, we may end up living in a united Ireland one day. And what do we know about our brothers and sisters from the North?” “They’re very angry,” Johnny goes.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

This being the humungous Christmas morket in – believe it or not – Belfast

Sorcha is in her – literally? – element. She goes, “This is gorgeous, isn’t it?” This being the humungous <a href="https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Christmas</a> morket in – believe it or not – Belfast. Honor’s there, “I still don’t understand what we’re even doing here?” And Sorcha’s like, “Honor, we may end up living in a united Ireland one day. And what do we know about our brothers and sisters from the North?” “They’re very angry,” Johnny goes.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’

<description>Ronan shows up at the front door wearing a Santa hat and a big smile. I’m there, “What are you, drunk?” because I’m aware that the Ireland soccer team had some kind of result at the weekend.&lt;hr&gt;&lt;p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'&gt; Hosted on Acast. See &lt;a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'&gt;acast.com/privacy&lt;/a&gt; for more information.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

Ronan has arrived with a present for Honor, and I’d like to know which gangland criminal it used to belong to

Ronan shows up at the front door wearing a Santa hat and a big smile. I’m there, “What are you, drunk?” because I’m aware that the Ireland soccer team had some kind of result at the weekend.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.<hr> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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