Pastor Clearwater,

It has come to my attention that there was yet another tragedy in the halls of John Wilkes Booth Secular Academy for Grades K-12. Unfortunately it would seem your former superior and Lunch Czar was actually notorious Russian gangster (NAME REDACTED). The majority of the crimes committed that day have been added to her rap-sheet and a nation-wide woman-hunt has begun.

In the meantime I must continue my work. Due to a loop-hole in our system, your one day at the academy does in fact count as a full-work week so you have 12 weeks of community service remaining. I’ve decided to assign you to the town’s bowling alley until I can come up with a better, more “legitimate occupation”. Find something to do with yourself and please stay out of trouble. I get enough of that at home! LOL!

Please disregard that last sentence.

Best Regards,

Ethel Laharl

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