Murder-Suicide Matinee

We're back to ruin the holidays with a scholarly dissection of a christmas classic!* Listen along, and you too can piss off everyone at the family dinner table with incisive insight into the post-9/11 military-industrial themes of The Polar Express, and the USA's ongoing anxious spiral into full christmas derangement.

Featuring: Being Tom Hankovich, Santa's adrenachrome harvesting operation, elf rally at Yulemberg, graphic hobo explosion, Dewey's wet cardboard box, Cami's Frosty origin story,[white knuckled] it matters where the train is going

*Allegedly, arguably. Classic status debatable.

Movie: The Polar Express (2004) Director: Robert Zemeckis Rating: Santa is dogecoin

It's been a while since an episode was a complete, unmitigated disaster from beginning to end. Hosts going through it, movie abysmal, audio files swallowed by dark gods. This month we inflicted Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie: Pyramid of Light upon ourselves, for critical damage. If you know or care about Yu-Gi-Oh! you too will feel your life points drain as we display about as much in-depth knowledge of the franchise as we have about Star Wars. There are cards, and there are righteous twinks. That's about all we've got. IMPORTANT: Do not educate us about Yu-Gi-Oh.

Featuring: corncob PSA, all of the Beatles in a big bed together, that movie with the countdown, Pegasus Undertale's brat summer, a Saw trap for Cami personally, and a bunch of words I probably can't say on iTunes. But don't worry, I can reclaim.

Movie: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie: Pyramid of Light (2004) Director: Hatsuki Tsuji Rating: there are better things you could be doing with your time

Welcome to the world of Tiny Don Cheadle, where only scoring a million points in super-basketball can facilitate his master plan to put LeBron James in Game of Thrones. Or Something. We watched Space Jam: A New Legacy and came away knowing less about the plot than before we went in. It's a lot like The Emoji Movie, but infinitely more embarrassing on pretty much every level.

Featuring: the Star Wars memory hole, Andrei Tarkovski's CATS, cami's casketball, live subtitles for American listeners, podcast therapy, and LeBron's special move that kills Bugs Bunny.

Movie: Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021) Director: Malcolm D. Lee Rating: ah shit lads, just remembered I don't care at all

😩⌚🎬⬅👩⚔💀

you get it it's the fucking emoji movie. god help us.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: show notes and bonus clips will go up on Patreon next week, as Lee is out of town all weekend. In exchange, you get this episode a day early. Yippeeee!

Featuring: soup wizard's poison stew, patrick stewart's third home, amazing deals on james corden, evil charger that deletes your phone, and the eternal sunshine of lee's emoji mind.

Movie: The Emoji Movie (2017) Director: Tony Leondis Rating: movie that could have been a powerpoint

!!!LOST MEDIA RECOVERED!!!

This bonus full-length episode drop is as much a surprise to us as it is to you. After our CATS theatricular spectacular, we actually recorded another episode in September 2020. First, recording was delayed by [VARIOUS GLOBAL EVENTS]. Then editing was delayed by a computer failure. By the time the edit resumed, the entire intro (about, you know, [VARIOUS GLOBAL EVENTS]) was so dated that we didn't know what to do with the episode. Before we could decide, another computer failure took the matter out of our hands. We believed the almost-finished episode was lost...until now.

Four years later, while consolidating various external drives, Lee discovered a backup of the rough edit. As we careen into another, somehow worse, US election, against a backdrop of zero solved problems and several new ones, we present our episode on Leo the Lion (2005) in all its depressingly-still-relevant glory.

Featuring: Matt Mercer jumpscare, the shortest movie, Dumbo does an Icarus, Leo the Lion nightcore remix, and a horrible horrible forgotten prophecy that we are bound to obey in 2026.

Movie: Leo the Lion (2005) Director: Mario Cambi Rating: Cuesto e la deal with Mario Cambi?