Embracing Intensity

Sometimes knowing exactly what you need to do doesn't make it any easier to actually do it. If you have ADHD, anxiety, or another neurodivergence, you may be familiar with the experience of looking at a task that should be relatively simple and finding yourself completely unable to start. The longer it sits there, the more emotions build around it—frustration, disappointment, guilt, anxiety, and eventually shame. Brendan Mahan calls that emotional barrier the Wall of Awful. In this special bonus episode of Embracing Intensity, Brendan joins our community to celebrate the release of his new book, Overcoming the Wall of Awful: Why It's Hard to Get Things Done with ADHD, Autism, and Anxiety, and How to Do Them Anyway. We explore what the Wall of Awful actually is, the ways we try to get around it, and why some of our most familiar strategies may get us moving while creating other problems along the way. Brendan also shares some of the ideas he expands on in the book, including active and passive climbing, nervous system regulation, anxiety, rejection sensitivity, and why asking for help can have such a high barrier to entry. Our community brought their own experiences into the conversation, particularly around guilt, shame, asking for help, and the tendency to assume we're a burden before giving someone else the opportunity to decide whether they have the capacity to help. About Brendan Mahan Brendan Mahan is an ADHD coach, educator, speaker, and host of the ADHD Essentials Podcast. Before moving into ADHD support and education, he spent about a decade working in schools in roles ranging from special education teacher to interim principal. Brendan created the concept of the Wall of Awful to describe the emotional barriers that can make it difficult for people with ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence to initiate tasks. His new book, Overcoming the Wall of Awful, expands on the concept with practical strategies for understanding those emotional barriers and finding more sustainable ways through them. Brendan is also involved with Calmer Con Boston, a sensory-sensitive comic book and pop culture convention designed to be more accessible to people with autism, ADHD, anxiety, and other needs. In This Episode: What the Wall of Awful is and how emotions accumulate around tasks we struggle to start How disappointment, guilt, shame, rejection, and isolation can become "bricks" in our walls The five ways we respond to the Wall of Awful: staring at it, going around it, smashing it, climbing it, or putting a door in it How staring, going around, and smashing relate to freeze, flight, and fight responses Why anxiety and anger can get us through the wall while taking a toll on ourselves or our relationships How climbing the wall involves accepting the task, our emotions, or both before we can move toward action The difference between active climbing and passive climbing How smartphones and constant stimulation can interfere with the quiet mental processing that helps us work through emotions Using music, nature, movement, and "soft fascination" to give our brains space to process Why nervous system regulation sometimes means activating ourselves and sometimes means soothing ourselves The difference between guilt ("I made a mistake") and shame ("I am the mistake") Giving ourselves permission to have ADHD, autism, anxiety, giftedness, or other differences without turning our struggles into character judgments Why asking for help can have such a high upfront cost for neurodivergent people How we sometimes choose a harder task because it has a lower barrier to entry Figuring out whether difficulty asking for help comes from control, trust, overwhelm, rejection sensitivity, or not knowing what kind of help we need How breaking a task apart can allow someone else to take even a small portion off our plate The idea that letting other people help us can also mean letting them love us Why we may undervalue what we offer others while overvaluing what they do for us How sensitivity to other people's needs can lead us to decide for them that our request is "too much" The connection between rejection sensitivity and avoiding the vulnerability of asking Ask culture, guess culture, and how our communication backgrounds shape our comfort with making direct requests Why the person receiving help gets to determine the value of what we gave them Looking at failure more realistically instead of treating every mistake as catastrophic How rejection sensitivity can make a small mistake feel like "failing the class" when we really just missed one question on a quiz What Brendan added to the book beyond his original Wall of Awful videos Why change, relapse into old patterns, forgiveness, systems, habits, and planning are all part of getting past our walls Getting Past the Wall Brendan describes five basic responses to the Wall of Awful. We can stare at it, go around it, smash through it, climb it, or put a door in it. Staring, going around, and smashing map closely to our stress responses of freeze, flight, and fight. Smashing can work—we may use anxiety, anger, pressure, or harsh self-talk to force ourselves into action—but getting something done doesn't necessarily mean the strategy was sustainable. Climbing and putting a door in the wall offer other possibilities. Climbing involves working through and accepting what's happening internally until we're able to move forward. Putting a door in the wall means changing our emotional state so that the task becomes more accessible. Music, movement, body doubling, changing environments, or spending time with supportive people can all potentially create that shift. Active and Passive Climbing One of the ideas Brendan expands on in the book is the distinction between active and passive climbing. Active climbing includes intentionally working through the task and the feelings surrounding it, using strategies to make initiation easier, or creating something concrete that helps you engage. Passive climbing happens when we give our brains enough space to process in the background. Going for a walk, standing in line without reaching for your phone, listening to music, spending time near water, or engaging with something gently interesting can give the brain room to process emotions, learning, and ideas without demanding our full attention. For neurodivergent people who are also prone to rumination, that mental space may need some direction. Brendan talks about using music, nature, and other forms of soft fascination to help steer the mind without overwhelming it. Asking for Help Asking for help sounds simple until you consider everything that may have to happen first. You have to recognize that you need help, figure out what kind of help you need, determine who might be able to provide it, explain what needs to be done, and tolerate the possibility that they might say no. Sometimes doing everything ourselves feels easier simply because it has a lower barrier to entry. We talk about the role of trust, control, rejection sensitivity, and fear of being a burden, as well as the possibility that other people may genuinely want to help. Brendan shares a reframe he's been working with himself: when helping others is one of the ways you show love, refusing to let anyone help you can also mean refusing to let them show their love for you. About Overcoming the Wall of Awful Brendan's book goes far beyond the original Wall of Awful concept many people first encountered through his videos with Jessica McCabe of How to ADHD. The book explores the Wall itself, anxiety and the resources and skills we use to solve problems, and then digs deeper into the different ways we try to get past the Wall. Brendan devotes additional attention to climbing, including the new concept of passive climbing, before moving into change, systems, habits, self-forgiveness, and planning. The book is designed to be practical and approachable, with chapter summaries, action steps, mascots for key concepts, and appendices and worksheets that readers can return to when they're facing their own Wall of Awful. Resources: Overcoming the Wall of Awful: Why It's Hard to Get Things Done with ADHD, Autism, and Anxiety, and How to Do Them Anyway by Brendan Mahan ADHD Essentials Podcast Brendan Mahan's Wall of Awful videos with Jessica McCabe of How to ADHD Learn more about Shane Join the Embracing Intensity Community for access to the full Guest Call Library

What does it really mean to own your worth—especially when you're gifted, neurodivergent, or someone who genuinely wants to make a difference in the world? In this episode of Embracing Intensity, I'm joined once again by the insightful Dr. Kimberly Douglas for a conversation that begins with pricing and entrepreneurship but quickly expands into something much bigger. We explore the difference between what we're capable of and what we actually have the capacity for, why so many of us undervalue our time and energy, and how shifting our focus from ourselves to the people we're trying to serve can change everything. Although much of Kimberly's work is with entrepreneurs, this conversation is relevant whether you're running a business, navigating a career, or simply learning to honor your own energy and contributions. It's a thoughtful discussion about sustainability, self-worth, and building a life around impact rather than expectations. About Dr. Kimberly Douglas Dr. Kimberly Douglas is a strategist, educator, and former university professor who helps purpose-driven entrepreneurs build sustainable businesses through pricing strategy, systems thinking, and decolonizing traditional approaches to entrepreneurship. Drawing on her background in higher education and research, Kimberly combines practical business guidance with a deep understanding of neurodivergence, capacity, and the realities of creating meaningful work without sacrificing your well-being. In This Episode The critical difference between capability and capacity—and why confusing the two leads to burnout Why owning your worth is about more than setting a price for your work How gifted and neurodivergent people often overestimate what they can sustainably take on The hidden costs of trying to do everything yourself Why understanding your ideal client makes sales feel more authentic and less personal How rejection sensitivity can make pricing and self-promotion especially difficult Why friends and family make wonderful supporters—but often poor long-term customers Building a business around relationships instead of algorithms The value of collecting meaningful feedback instead of relying on false metrics How to think about bartering, collaboration, and community support in sustainable ways Why asking for help is part of honoring your capacity Key Topics Capability Isn't the Same as Capacity One of Kimberly's most powerful insights is the distinction between capability and capacity. Many gifted and neurodivergent people are incredibly capable of learning new skills, solving complex problems, and taking on ambitious projects. That doesn't mean we have the physical, emotional, or mental capacity to do all of those things at once. Recognizing that difference can help us make more sustainable choices and avoid paying for our ambitions with our health. Understanding the True Cost of Your Work Whether you're running a business or managing a demanding career, Kimberly encourages us to think beyond financial costs. Every commitment requires energy, attention, and bandwidth. Pricing your work—or deciding where to invest your time—means accounting for those invisible costs as well as the hours involved. Shifting the Focus Away From Yourself For many entrepreneurs, pricing feels deeply personal. Kimberly offers a refreshing perspective: the conversation isn't really about you. It's about understanding the people you're trying to help. By learning what your ideal clients actually need, value, and struggle with, selling becomes less about overcoming rejection and more about solving meaningful problems. Building Community Instead of Going It Alone Rather than expecting friends and family to become customers, Kimberly suggests thinking about the many other ways they can support your work. Whether it's childcare, encouragement, meal prep, brainstorming, or simply believing in your vision, sustainable businesses are rarely built in isolation. She also shares thoughtful guidance on bartering, collaboration, and recognizing where outside support can strengthen your work. Resources & Links Learn more about Dr. Kimberly Douglass on Linkedin Precision Pricing Infographic Join the Embracing Intensity Community Brendan Mahan's guest call on Overcoming the Wall of Awful Summer Camp Scavenger Hunt This conversation is a reminder that owning your worth isn't about doing more or proving yourself. It's about recognizing your unique strengths, honoring your limits, and building systems that allow you to make the impact you're here to make—without sacrificing yourself in the process.

What does it mean to thrive as a twice-exceptional adult in a world that often misunderstands both giftedness and neurodivergence? In this episode of Embracing Intensity, I'm joined by author, therapist, and educator Melanie Hayes for a wide-ranging discussion on the unique challenges and strengths of twice-exceptional (2e) adults. Although this conversation was originally recorded several years ago as a guest call for the community, it feels even more relevant today as conversations around burnout, masking, trauma, and neurodivergence continue to evolve. As I revisited this conversation, I was struck by how much it reflected where I was at the beginning of my own burnout recovery journey—and how many of the themes still resonate today. We explore everything from school trauma and imposter syndrome to chronic illness, community, and what it takes to build a life that actually works for your brain. About Melanie Hayes Melanie Hayes is a marriage and family therapist, educator, author, and founder of Big Minds, a school designed specifically for twice-exceptional learners. For more than 30 years, she has worked to challenge traditional approaches to education and mental health by helping neurodivergent individuals embrace radical self-acceptance and build environments that support their strengths. She is the author of Being Twice Exceptional and We Tried Normal, and her work focuses on helping gifted and neurodivergent people understand themselves more deeply and create lives aligned with who they truly are. In This Episode Why complex trauma is so common among gifted and twice-exceptional individuals The impact of chronic stress, sensory overwhelm, and school environments on neurodivergent children and adults How attachment wounds and feeling misunderstood can shape self-image and relationships The connection between masking, burnout, chronic illness, and autoimmune disorders Why profoundly gifted and twice-exceptional people often struggle with imposter syndrome The importance of mirroring, validation, and finding people who truly "get" you How giftedness and neurodivergence can make traditional workplaces especially challenging Practical ideas for accommodations and creating work environments that support your needs Strategies for managing anxiety, rumination, and nervous system overwhelm The role of community in healing from shame and embracing authenticity Why being "well-adjusted" to an unhealthy system may not be the goal Key Topics Explored The Hidden Trauma of Being Twice Exceptional Melanie discusses how many twice-exceptional individuals experience ongoing stress throughout childhood—from sensory overwhelm and social exclusion to environments that constantly communicate that they are "too much" or "not enough." These experiences can accumulate into complex trauma that often goes unrecognized. School Trauma and the Cost of Fitting In We talk about how school can become one of the greatest sources of trauma for gifted and neurodivergent individuals. Even with supportive families, many students receive constant messages that they need to suppress their natural ways of thinking, learning, and interacting in order to succeed. Imposter Syndrome and the Lack of Validation When your strengths are overlooked and your challenges are constantly highlighted, it becomes difficult to trust your own abilities. Melanie explores why imposter syndrome is so prevalent among gifted and twice-exceptional adults and how a lack of mirroring and validation contributes to lifelong self-doubt. Burnout, Masking, and Chronic Illness One of the most powerful parts of this conversation centers on the long-term costs of masking. Many neurodivergent adults spend years trying to fit into environments that aren't designed for them, often at significant physical, emotional, and mental expense. We discuss how burnout can show up as exhaustion, anxiety, health challenges, and chronic illness. Finding Community and Radical Self-Acceptance Throughout the conversation, Melanie returns to the importance of self-acceptance and community. Healing often begins when we stop trying to become someone else and start surrounding ourselves with people who recognize our differences as strengths rather than deficits. Resources & Links Melanie Hayes' book: Being Twice Exceptional Join the Embracing Intensity Community As Melanie reminds us, thriving as a twice-exceptional adult isn't about becoming less intense, less sensitive, or more "normal." It's about understanding yourself, finding the right supports, and creating a life where your differences can become strengths rather than sources of shame.

Not all rest actually restores. Sometimes it just delays the crash. In this solo episode of Embracing Intensity, I talk about what shifted for me when I went back to working full-time in schools, and why having less free time pushed me to get more intentional about how I use my energy. I used to focus a lot on trying to do the "right" things—eat better, exercise more, use my time more efficiently—but I kept ending up exhausted anyway. What started to change things was paying closer attention to what actually gave me energy versus what drained it. This episode is where I walk through that shift and share the RECHARGE framework I've been using—looking at energy across physical, mental, emotional, social, and connection areas. It's less about fixing everything and more about noticing patterns and making small adjustments that actually stick. About Aurora Aurora Remember Holtzman is a neurodivergent educator, coach, and host of the Embracing Intensity podcast. She supports gifted, creative, and outside-the-box thinkers in understanding their energy, working with their nervous systems, and building more sustainable ways of living and creating. In This Episode Why some kinds of "rest" don't leave you feeling any better What changed when I stopped focusing on time and started looking at energy The idea of "contaminated time" and why it feels so unsatisfying How I've been approaching burnout differently this year The five areas of energy and how they show up in daily life Small ways to shift your energy without overhauling everything Why play, curiosity, and creativity matter more than we think How alignment in your environment and relationships affects your energy The Five Areas of Energy This episode looks at five different areas that all impact how recharged (or depleted) you feel. You don't need to overhaul all of them—just noticing where something feels off can be enough to start. Physical Energy This includes the obvious things like sleep and movement, but also how your body feels in your environment and routines. Small shifts—like changing positions, stepping outside, or actually finishing a task you've been avoiding—can make a noticeable difference. Mental Energy The way your brain is engaged matters. Too much stimulation can be overwhelming, but too little can leave you stuck. Play, challenge, and creative thinking can all help shift your energy in ways that feel more engaging. Emotional Energy Emotional fatigue doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it shows up as irritability, numbness, or just feeling off. Letting yourself process things—through expression, movement, or even just naming what's there—can ease that buildup. Social Energy Some interactions leave you feeling more like yourself, and some leave you drained. This section looks at things like masking, belonging, solitude, and what it feels like to be around people where you don't have to explain yourself. Connection Energy Even when you've rested, you can still feel disconnected. This area looks at things like purpose, ritual, time in nature, and moments that help you feel part of something beyond your day-to-day tasks. Resources & Links RECHARGE Toolkit (7-day challenge) Embracing Intensity Community