Welcome To Patchwork

You buy dinner for the table. You also, unprompted, buy everyone a drink. When the "what do we owe you?" messages start arriving that night, are the drinks part of the bill, or have you quietly shouted a round? Christian has a position. Christian also has a running lifetime deficit. And when you do pay someone back - do you pull up the menu and get it exact, or do you eyeball it and round up? Is it rude to request the money, or rude to make someone ask? Is there anyone out there adding a small margin to the tickets they buy for friends? Then: you're at someone's house, you've washed your hands, and there is no hand towel. Only theirs. Is a corner enough? Is a hand dryer actually hygienic, or just loud? Is drying your hands on your own trousers a personal failing or the most efficient option available? Dion is very relaxed about all of this, which is the problem. Plus: the anxiety of the potluck dish, whether you can take credit for something you bought, and the man who arrives at a family-friendly lunch asking only one question - where's the esky? Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You find a phone on the footpath. You're fairly sure you know whose it is, you're fairly sure they're already long gone, and you've got a sandwich that isn't getting any fresher. How much of your Sunday afternoon do you owe a stranger? Josh has a story, a timeline, and a defence he's prepared to mount. Then: a man playing guitar in a gravel car park to an audience of about four, giving it absolutely everything. Christian was there. Christian was also, apparently, the only one clapping. Is silence after a song worse than not tipping at all? Does a performer booked by a market become somebody else's financial responsibility? And if you've stood still for five minutes and enjoyed it, have you entered into a contract? Josh operates under a private rule about not engaging with street performers at all, which raises the question of what kind of street you actually want to walk down at night. Dion wants enforcement. The group workshops shame, eye contact, and whether a friend should be dispatched into the crowd with a tile and a dollar preloaded. Also: is a jar a real tipping vessel, or has that never once happened? Plus: tipping for effort rather than quality, the water-quality objection to windscreen washers at the lights, and Dion's first ever attempt at beatboxing, which was requested and should not have been. Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork 0:00 Introduction 0:48 The lime bike and the dropped phone 3:19 What should Josh have done? 7:07 Leaving it against the parking meter 12:35 The Bundoora Community Market busker 14:34 Do you tip him? 17:57 Paying the busker, and the video 20:11 Josh's rule: don't engage 22:02 Enforcing tips and the jar argument 25:59 Dion's beatboxing and bad buskers 28:33 Windscreen washers and the bonus patch tease 29:58 Patreon, YouTube and the patches Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you pump your tyres before a long drive? Josh does - two and a half hours out of town and the mental checklist kicks in, windscreen wipers included. Christian has owned his car for some number of months he'd rather not commit to and has never once checked the pressure. One of these men is doing routine maintenance. The other reckons that if tyre pressure really mattered, you'd see more people doing it at the servo. Then: who is responsible when you're handed a slice of cake twice the size of everyone else's? Is finishing what's on the plate a virtue or a character flaw? And in a seventeen-person group chat, does the setup deserve the same reactions as the punchline that only existed because of it? Josh got two. Someone else got six. A handshake emoji would have settled it. Plus: you cancel plans with friends because you're unwell, reschedule for a fortnight's time, then wander out for fresh air and a croissant - and run directly into them. Christian describes it as his worst nightmare playing out in real time. Is a locked-in reschedule enough of an alibi? Is open air a mitigating factor? And how long after a cough are you actually allowed back in public? Also: what happens to the ovens when a beloved local pizza shop gets bought by a chain, and at what age is it acceptable to first encounter a wonton? Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

How long can you refrain from opening a package delivered to your house? Josh managed several hours and a car trip, which Dion considers admirable restraint and Christian considers a moment that stopped being a moment about a decade ago. Is there any wonder left in a parcel arriving at your door, or have we ordered that feeling out of existence? And what do you do with a person whose reaction to everything you say is the same small noise? Christian has been thinking about it. Where does sincerity actually live in a conversation — and is there a way to tell someone their work isn't good enough without borrowing authority from someone further up the chain? And can you see your partner's side of an argument while still thinking they're wrong? How can you tell if a congratulations is genuine? And when you sing along at a party, are you enjoying the song or informing the room that you know it? Christian caught himself mid-performance and hasn't let it go since. Plus: whether anyone can judge a haircut from the mirror at the back, the mystery of smart hairdryers, and Josh's system for remembering the names of people he's just met. It is written down allll in a note. Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do people think you look your age? Christian's been forced to find out the hard way after a shaving mishap wipes out an entire winter's worth of beard growth in one accidental swipe - and the office small talk that followed was brutal. Does more hair genuinely buy you a few extra years of guessing wrong? And is "you look different" ever actually a compliment? Then: how much is too much when it comes to eating a meal that's gone slightly wrong? Josh commits to a week of pre-made dinners that turn out to have a distinctly gritty problem, and refuses to let it stand between him and sunk-cost dinner satisfaction. Where's the actual line between "this is fine" and "this needs to go in the bin"? Finally, a full audit of small talk - who's naturally good at it, whether confidence is doing more work than substance, and Josh's awkward run-in with a very senior colleague that neither party walks away from unscathed. Plus: is it ever appropriate for a stranger to comment on the size of your shopping order? Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.