Welcome To Patchwork

Christian’s car is on empty, Josh’s brain is on husk, and Dion thinks a mouse has a mortgage.

Christian kicks things off by pushing his car well past the fuel light, trusting the mysterious dot-dot-dot to get him home. Josh prefers a more conservative two-thirds–full approach, and Dion shares his experience of running out of petrol almost within reach of the bowser. We compare our refuelling habits, quietly question each other’s life choices, and try to remember what side the fuel cap is on.

Things then shift to mice. Dion’s convinced they have homes. Josh wonders where they go to sleep, and Christian’s interested in what spiders are doing with all their neatly wrapped flies. We also touch on skirting board secrets and psyllium husk.

Finally, we introduce you to our very own large language model, PatchGPT.

With very special guests Elon Husk and Snap Rat.

Dion has finally succumbed to caffeine dependency, and Christian and Josh interrogate his new addiction. What makes a good coffee order? Why does Dion refuse to learn the difference between a flat white and a cappuccino?

Meanwhile, Christian grapples with existential dread every morning, and Josh suggests he simply “get in the shower.” We question whether professional athletes should thank water runners, why tennis demands silence while Formula 1 drivers scream for their lives, and whether football players ignore the national anthem to appear cool.

Plus, Dion reveals a deeply unsettling secret about his morning alarm.

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In this Patch, we crown pizza as the best party food for a large group of people before trying to define some rules around quantity, presentation and flavour. Christian feels that hosts must announce the arrival of the pizza to the party, Dion reflects on the pathetic image of guests hovering around unopened pizza boxes and we collectively ask if any other food could act in pizza's place. Josh then recounts a supermarket stakeout involving a would-be Heineken slab thief, and we ponder the ethics of 'dobbing' as an adult. Do you really care about someone stealing from a large supermarket chain? Dion targets Josh for wearing two novelty items to the recording before Josh ponders his responsibilities as a 'tall person' in a crowd. Is there tall privilege? Are taller people really more attractive?

Dion and Christian argue over whether someone can feel proud of arriving to a location on time. Josh tries to share a frustrating experience of being stuck in a queue that wasn't moving at the Australian Open but neither Dion or Christian can understand what he's saying. After some translating, we discuss the circumstances that might make someone leave a queue early and whether those circumstances change when waiting in a phone queue. Finally, Dion asks Josh and Christian to really consider whether the Imperial system is superior to the Metric system and we decide on which unit of measurement we would take with us to a desert island.

We're back with Season 10! Misdelivered packages, passive-aggressive laundry, and the correct way to clean a percolator. This week Dion's Rooibos Challenge for a Fridge Friend takes a turn for the ethically ambiguous. Josh reveals the depths of his percolator cleanliness standards, and Dion confronts Christian on his plan to install roller shutters and 24/7 security cameras in his new home. Are they a symbol of suburban bliss or too Italian?  Plus, a typically spirited debate on the concept of "normal wear and tear".