The Virtual Couch

Why does your spouse get to want things while you're drowning in responsibility? That resentment you feel watching your partner pursue hobbies while you manage everything isn't petty—it reveals what Tony identifies as one of the "fundamental wounds" in modern marriages: the split between duty and desire.Through the story of Sarah and Michael—a couple weeks from divorce—Tony explores how one partner can become a pure, exhausting obligation while the other escapes into hollow pleasures. Both are starving for what the other has, but neither can see it. You'll discover why the "serpent's trick" convinces us that what we want and what we should do are enemies when they were always meant to work together.In this episode, you'll learn:Why feeling like "a machine that keeps everyone running" signals you've lost connection to your own desires—and why reclaiming them is actually part of your duty as a parent and partnerThe difference between discipline that crushes your soul and discipline that creates freedom (hint: it depends on whether it's aligned with your actual values or just "socially compliant goals")How asking "what can I do to help?" often puts the mental load right back on your overwhelmed spouse.Why Michael's gaming and biking felt hollow even though Sarah assumed he was "living his best life."The concept of impermanence—and why accepting that your beliefs will evolve is liberating, not threateningTony Overbay, LMFT, draws from over 20 years of couples therapy and 1,500+ couples to share the exact framework that helped Sarah and Michael move from combat to connection.Ready to stop the cycle? Join the Magnetic Marriage waitlist at tonyoverbay.com/magnetic and learn what you don't know you don't know about reconnecting with your partner.00:00 Introduction and Host Background00:35 Common Relationship Challenges01:53 The Magnetic Marriage Program02:59 Today's Episode: Overwhelmed by Responsibilities03:37 Meet Sarah and Michael: A Struggling Couple03:57 Sarah's Perspective: Duty Over Desire13:12 Michael's Perspective: Desire Over Duty17:49 The Core Wound: Duty vs. Desire21:50 Connecting to Universal Archetypes28:10 Embracing Change and Growth28:26 Embracing Impermanence

Tony addresses a listener's question about feeling anxious due to a communication lapse with her husband. He delves deep into the nuances of relationship dynamics, emphasizing the importance of honest and continuous communication. He shares insights on how patterns in behavior reflect true priorities, touches on the significance of co-regulation, and explores how small, seemingly insignificant moments can significantly impact intimacy and connection over time. Whether dealing with newlywed issues or long-term relationship challenges, Tony provides practical advice on building trust and emotional intimacy. Submit your questions through his website, http://tonyoverbay.com00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:43 How to Submit Your Questions01:42 First Question: Communication in Marriage03:14 Understanding Emotional Reactions09:09 The Importance of Co-Regulation15:00 Selective Competence in Relationships24:52 Intimacy and Sexuality in Marriage30:10 Conclusion and Final ThoughtsContact Tony at [email protected] to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course

What if your New Year's resolutions keep failing because they were never really yours to begin with? Most goals we set aren't chosen—they're inherited from magazines, social media, parents, or that version of ourselves we think we're supposed to become. That's why they don't stick. In this episode, Tony shares his decades-long "pushup obsession" and how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) finally broke the cycle—not through more discipline, but by discovering what actually mattered to him.What you'll learn:- Why "socially compliant goals" sabotage your motivation before you even start- The crucial difference between values (your compass) and goals (checkboxes)—and why confusing them keeps you stuck- How to use lead measures instead of lag measures to build sustainable change- The "Passengers on the Bus" technique for moving forward even when self-doubt is loud- A simple 5-step "Get Back on the Saddle" plan for when you inevitably wobbleWith over 20 years of clinical experience, Tony explains why you're not broken—you're human—and offers a framework for building a life that actually feels like yours.Ready to stop beating yourself up and start driving toward what matters? This might be the last resolution episode you'll ever need.00:00 Introduction: Are Your Goals Really Yours?00:44 Meet Tony Overbay: Your Guide to Self-Improvement01:57 The New Year's Resolution Dilemma04:03 The Pushup Story: A Lesson in Values12:34 Understanding Socially Compliant Goals15:04 Experiential Avoidance: The Trap of Avoiding Discomfort20:26 Lag Measures vs. Lead Measures: The Key to Achieving Goals27:28 Values vs. Goals: The Core of Sustainable Change38:52 Perceived Value vs. Perceived Capability40:57 Understanding Perceived Capability and Value41:46 Corporate America and Disengagement42:50 New Year's Resolutions and Motivation46:18 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) vs. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)54:47 The Power of ACT in Therapy01:00:58 Practical Steps for Getting Back on Track01:06:05 Embracing Emotions and Moving Forward01:08:01 Conclusion: Driving the Bus Towards What MattersContact Tony at [email protected] to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Every family has an origin story—and it's not always the one told at holidays. In this episode, Tony explores the fascinating concept of the butterfly effect and how it applies to famil...

Have you ever found yourself calculating what to say when your partner is upset—choosing words to manage their emotions rather than speaking your truth? In this episode, Tony shares the br...