Greatest Trek: New Star Trek Reviewed

When it’s time to check back in with Captain William Boimler, he’s lost his love for hunting quantum fissures and he’s fed up with derivative multiverse characters. But when a two-pip Harry Kim shows up on board the Anaximander, it’s an alternate Mustard Mariner with the engineering skills to save the day. Who enjoyed colonoscopy prep more? When did movie trailers change forever? What’s the name of Starfleet’s official support garment? It’s the episode that’s blowing minds and blowing assholes!

When everyone on the Cerritos is suffering from main-character syndrome, a day in Captain Freeman’s life starts looking so much worse than just paperwork. But when Ransom tricks some ensigns into cooperating on their assignment, the senior staff have to fight off the Clickets in time for an anniversary dinner in Paris. Whose body is on the bridge between two major gastronomic events? Which ensign has fallen the farthest? Why keep an umbrella in the go-bag? It’s the episode that acts as its own Freeman AND Stevens.

When an away mission to a pre-warp planet is complicated by a time dilation, Boimler’s beverage-related accident puts the away team in an Inner Light situation. But when Tendi finds a purple Data head and gets him doing voiceover work again, the competition for Chief Science Officer on the Cerritos creates a power-supply arms race on the planet. How often is too often for taquito night? What should makeup departments everywhere make real? Could anything have avoided this type of transporter accident? It’s the episode that loves getting pre-warp in this particular way.

When another problem ensign gets assigned to the Cerritos, Mariner becomes personally invested in her success aboard the ship. But when tedious diplomacy boils over into an all out shape war, Olly gets her mini redemption arc while Boimler learns the wrong lesson about just being himself. Which November thing is this story a metaphor for? What are employees in the post-scarcity future not as into? Why is it so easy to get a traumatic butt injury? It’s the episode that establishes gloves as canonically Star Trek.

When the Cerritos has a navigational breakdown in Cetacean Ops, the only option for emergency repairs is a trip to Starbase 80. But when repairs start going in the wrong direction and a supposed curse has the crew licking walls, Mariner starts to see the station in a different light while Captain Freeman gets stuck in the maintenance labyrinth. Which brand of breakfast cereal is kid rejected, mother approved? Who is the exception to no bits on tips? How are The Rio and Starbase 80 related? It’s the episode that asks the hard-hitting questions.