Authentic Men's Group podcast

You Don't Earn Being a Good Man: Reclaiming the Identity You Were Born With Authentic Men's Group (AMG) Podcast Blog Every man wonders quietly, "Am I actually a good man?" Most men won't say it out loud—but the question sits underneath their decisions, their relationships, their mistakes, and the way they carry themselves through life. For many, goodness feels fragile… like one wrong move can erase everything. Like your identity is something you perform into rather than something true about you. Most of us grew up earning approval, not building identity. This episode is about reclaiming the deeper truth already in you. It's about remembering something you were born with—not something you have to earn, prove, or achieve. The Good Man Statue: The Identity Beneath the Dirt Every man carries a statue inside him—the Good Man Statue. It's who he was long before he learned to toughen up, hide emotions, pretend he didn't need help, or perform to be accepted. It's the part of him that's strong, grounded, steady, and whole. It's the part that wants to love well, lead well, and live with integrity. But life has a way of throwing dirt on that statue. A mistake at 17 A failure at 25 A moment in marriage where you hurt someone you love Childhood messages that taught you you're only good when you behave Shame that stuck before you even understood the word Little by little, the statue gets covered. And at some point, you stop seeing it at all. You start believing the dirt is you. You start thinking, "Maybe I'm just not a good man." That's the lie almost every man in AMG has carried at some point. But here's the truth most men never hear: The dirt never replaces the statue—it only hides it. Your goodness doesn't disappear when you mess up. It doesn't get revoked when you fall short. It doesn't crumble when someone is disappointed in you. The Good Man Statue is still there, carved into the core of who you are. When a man believes he's broken or bad, he behaves like a man trying to outrun shame. When he remembers the statue underneath, he moves with presence and strength again. The work isn't becoming good. The work is brushing off the dirt. Every honest conversation… Every moment of accountability… Every time you say the hard thing out loud… Every moment another man says, "You're not alone"… Every time you offer yourself compassion instead of punishment… It clears a little more dirt. That's why AMG exists. Identity gets restored in circles—not isolation. And once a man sees the statue again, even for a moment, he shows up differently: For himself. For his partner. For his kids. For his community. He leads from identity—not insecurity. This is the identity work every man is hungry for: "I don't earn goodness. I remember it." SECTION 1 — What "Being a Good Man" Brings Up for Most Men For many men, the phrase "being a good man" triggers: Pressure — like being graded or silently measured Fear of messing up and losing your identity Feeling good only when you're achieving or productive Old messages: "Don't disappoint anyone" Shame that rewrites your story in seconds Humor that's not really humor: "If being a good man was a class, I'd be repeating it." Memories of trying to perform your way into worthiness Most men have learned to tie goodness to behavior—not identity. Which is why the Good Man Statue metaphor hits so deeply. SECTION 2 — Why Men Don't Believe They're Good Men Most men don't struggle with behavior as much as they struggle with identity. Here's why: 1. Childhood Scripts Be good. Be strong. Don't mess up. Approval was tied to obedience, not authenticity. Goodness felt conditional from day one. 2. Shame From Old Mistakes Men carry mistakes like permanent labels. Shame doesn't stick to behavior—it sticks to identity. 3. Performance-Based Worth Men are taught: "I am what I produce." Which means when performance drops, identity collapses. 4. Lack of Affirmation Most men have never heard: "You're solid. I see the good in you." Without strong mirrors, insecurity grows. 5. Comparison & Internal Criticism "You're behind." "You should be further along by now." Comparison erodes identity faster than failure. 6. Isolation Men rarely have spaces to be honest. Silence becomes the loudest critic. In every AMG group, men eventually say the same thing: "I thought I was the only one who felt this." Insight Men often lose identity faster than they lose self-control. Most issues aren't about discipline—they're about worth. Who Gets to Decide If You're a Good Man? This question sits at the center of most men's inner battles: "Who gets to decide if I'm a good man?" Most men assume the verdict belongs to: Their partner Their dad Their boss Their pastor Their ex Their mistakes Their success or failure When others hold the measuring stick, identity becomes unstable. You live reactive, defensive, and afraid of being "found out." **Here's the truth: No one else gets to declare whether you are a good man.** Others can reflect your goodness— But they can't define it. If your identity depends on external approval, it becomes rented, not rooted. And rented identity collapses the moment someone is disappointed in you. Grounded men don't outsource their identity. Healthy identity sounds like this: I listen to feedback. I take responsibility when I cause harm. I repair where needed. But I don't hand someone else the authority to define who I am. There's a difference between: Accountability: "I can own where I messed up." Identity: "My mistake is who I am." Other people's disappointment is not the authority on your goodness. Your goodness is already built into the Good Man Statue—solid and unshakeable. When a man reclaims his identity: Defensiveness softens Presence increases Integrity strengthens Courage grows Relationships feel safer Leadership becomes more grounded He stops trying to prove goodness and starts embodying it. The Final Truth: You Decide You decide if you are a good man. Not by earning it. But by returning to what's already true. Goodness isn't a vote. It's not a scoreboard. It's not something that can be taken away. Goodness is a state of being — a statue you were born with. Your work is simply to uncover what's already there. And that's the work we do, together, in AMG.

Episode Title: How To Appraoch The Enneagram? Introduction In this episode, we sit down with Ev, a coach and long-time student of the Enneagram who has spent years helping men uncover who they really are beneath the roles, habits, and masks they wear. The Enneagram isn't about putting you in a box — it's about showing you the box you've been living in and how to get out. Ev shares how the Enneagram has shaped his own journey, giving him language for the patterns that once ran on autopilot. This episode kicks off a conversation that many men in Authentic Men's Group (AMG) will resonate with: How do I Appraoch the Enneagram? What Is the Enneagram? The Enneagram is a powerful framework for self-understanding. It maps out nine core personality patterns, each driven by a unique motivation, fear, and desire. Here's what's important for men to remember when diving into this tool: Avoid labeling others. The Enneagram is not a weapon or a way to diagnose. It's an invitation to empathy — for yourself and others. You are not just one number. Think of your Enneagram DNA: your main type interacts with other types, creating a unique internal ecosystem. Your core type remains steady over time. While your behaviors may shift as you grow, your deeper motivations often stay consistent. For men who are doing the work, the Enneagram helps you understand why you do what you do — not just what you do. Levels of the Enneagram: Growth and Decline Ev walks us through how each Enneagram type operates across levels of health — from your best, most grounded self to your most reactive and disconnected state. Understanding these levels gives men a roadmap. You begin to notice when you're slipping into old patterns or losing touch with your core values. Instead of judging yourself, you get curious: What's driving this? What am I trying to protect? This awareness is where transformation begins. The goal isn't perfection — it's presence. Practical Application for Men At AMG, we use the Enneagram as a mirror, not a mask. Here's how to start: Identify your top three types. Early on, don't stress about "nailing it." Start by exploring what resonates the most and why. Learn your type's levels of health. Every type has a spectrum — from grounded to stressed. Learn to recognize your signals at each level. Observe, don't obsess. The Enneagram is meant to increase awareness, not self-judgment. Notice patterns, name them, and bring them into group discussions. Invite others in. Be vulnerabkle and real with your awarenesses. Ask for feedback from your AMG group, coach, counselor, or a trusted partner or friend. This is where the real growth happens — in conversation, reflection, and shared honesty among men doing the work together. Closing Reflection The Enneagram isn't just a personality test — it's a spiritual mirror. It helps men see not just who they are, but how they're showing up. When we approach it with humility and curiosity, it becomes a roadmap to freedom rather than a fixed identity. As Ev reminds us, "You don't grow by changing who you are. You grow by becoming more aware of who you've always been."

Using Self-Compassion With The Enneagram (Part 2) Last time, we explored Enneagram types One through Four—seeing how each carries its own beauty, struggle, and path toward compassion. Today, we pick up where we left off. So often, we hear messages about what we should fix or change. But the real invitation of the Enneagram is to see the truth of how we're wired and to treat that truth with kindness. It's not about boxing you in—it's about showing you the patterns you've been living out, and then inviting you back home to your truest self. As Ian Morgan Cron reminds us, "The Enneagram doesn't tell you who you are; it tells you who you think you have to be." That's the gift—it reveals the mask we've learned to wear, and then it helps us lay it down. In this episode, we're continuing our walk through the remaining Enneagram types, not to critique but to celebrate. To honor. To offer compassion to the parts of ourselves we often overlook. And once again, we're joined by AMG coach and life coach Stephen Nichols, who has guided countless men in this very work. TYPE 5 – THE INVESTIGATOR Ian Cron describes Fives as the wise men—those who see the world from a thoughtful distance, cutting through noise with insight. You have a brilliant, thoughtful mind that sees what others miss. Your ability to observe, analyze, and understand is a deep well of insight. You're naturally drawn to complex ideas, systems, and inner landscapes most people overlook. Your curiosity runs deep, and your insights are often ahead of their time. You bring calm clarity to chaos, offering wisdom without needing the spotlight. Though you may prefer solitude, your presence carries quiet weight and depth. Self-compassion reminds you that you don't have to have all the answers to belong—your presence, your wisdom, and your way of seeing the world already matter. Self-compassion for Type 5 sounds like: "My curiosity is a gift. I don't need to know everything to be whole." "I offer wisdom, and I also deserve connection." "It's okay to not have all the answers right now." "My presence is enough—I don't need to over-prepare." "Opening up is a strength, not a liability." You make space for insight and truth. Your presence invites calm and clarity. TYPE 6 – THE LOYALIST Your loyalty and courage are unmatched—you stand by your people through thick and thin. You think through every angle with care, always scanning for how to keep others safe and supported. Your fierce sense of responsibility drives you to prepare, protect, and prevent harm. You often see potential problems before they happen, and your questions strengthen decisions and relationships. Suzanne Stabile calls Sixes the guardians of community—reliable, grounded, and deeply attuned to group wellbeing. You hold steady when others panic, anchoring people with your presence and conviction. Your love shows up not in loud declarations, but in quiet vigilance and fierce, faithful commitment. When you extend that same loyalty inward, you become a source of wisdom and grounded courage—not just for others, but for yourself. Self-compassion for Type 6 sounds like: "My ability to anticipate is protective, not paranoid." "I trust myself to navigate uncertainty." "Uncertainty is uncomfortable, but I can handle it." "I trust myself to navigate what comes." "Courage isn't the absence of fear—it's standing with myself in the fear." You bring steadiness, humility, and fierce commitment wherever you go. TYPE 7 – THE ENTHUSIAST You see the possibility in everything and bring life to the spaces you enter. Your joy is contagious, and your energy lights up the room. You're often the one who finds silver linings, who lightens tension with humor, and reminds others to savor life. You have a natural gift for storytelling, optimism, and enthusiasm that draws people in and lifts spirits. Ian Cron reminds us that Sevens teach us not to take life for granted—but to taste, savor, and adventure. Your soul is wired for wonder, and beneath your lightness is a deep, brave heart. When you stay present in discomfort, you show true courage—not escape, but engagement. Self-compassion deepens your spark. You discover that real freedom comes from living fully—joy and sorrow alike. Self-compassion for Type 7 sounds like: "My zest for life is sacred. I can experience joy and still make space for depth." "I don't need to escape. This moment is enough." "I can sit with hard feelings—they won't break me." "Slowing down helps me find deeper joy." You remind others that life is worth living fully, and that pain doesn't cancel out joy—it enriches it. TYPE 8 – THE CHALLENGER You are bold, strong, and protective—you step in when others shrink back. You fight for what matters and speak truth with intensity and clarity. Your presence commands attention—not for ego, but because people feel your deep commitment to what's right. You instinctively protect the vulnerable and challenge injustice wherever it appears. Suzanne Stabile calls Eights the protectors and justice-bearers—often misunderstood, but driven by love and loyalty. Beneath your strength is a tender heart that longs for honesty, trust, and connection. When you let yourself soften and be known, your power doesn't weaken—it becomes magnetic, trustworthy, and whole. Self-compassion allows your heart to breathe so your strength can serve others without burning you out. Self-compassion for Type 8 sounds like: "My strength includes tenderness." "I can lead with power and still stay soft-hearted." "Letting others in doesn't make me weak." "Real strength includes openness." "I can be protective and still allow myself to feel." You give others courage just by being who you are. You model strength that protects and includes. TYPE 9 – THE PEACEMAKER You have a calming presence that brings ease and steadiness to those around you. You instinctively see all sides and create harmony in spaces that feel divided. You are a steady presence in a loud, chaotic world—helping others breathe easier just by being near. You create room for others without needing the spotlight, offering quiet empathy and deep listening. Your non-reactivity and gentleness give others permission to pause, reflect, and reconnect. Ian Cron says Nines are the mediators of the soul—deeply attuned to what brings people together. Though you may downplay your impact, your quiet strength and inclusive spirit often hold entire communities together. Self-compassion invites you to include yourself in the peace you offer others. Your voice matters. Your presence is not just peaceful—it's powerful. Self-compassion for Type 9 sounds like: "My presence brings peace, and my voice matters too." "I can honor others and still choose myself." "My voice matters." "I don't have to disappear to keep the peace." "Choosing myself isn't selfish—it's necessary." You teach us how to slow down, to listen, and to find unity in difference. CLOSING No matter where you land on the Enneagram, you bring something good and true into the world. You don't need to change who you are—you need to honor it. Self-compassion is how you do that. It's not about self-indulgence. It's about self-acceptance. The Enneagram isn't a problem to fix. It's a mirror that shows your natural design—and the gifts you carry. As Stabile reminds us, the goal isn't to be better than your number—it's to be a healthier version of the one you already are. So take this with you: You are already enough. Not someday. Not when you get it right. Now. We'll drop a free link to the AMG Assessment in the notes so you can find out your type. Bring what resonated into your next AMG group, or share it with a friend who needs to hear it. You were made to thrive—and the best way to do that is by being fully, authentically you. Link to take your Enneagram Assessment: Enneagram Assessment

Using Self-Compassion With The Enneagram We often hear messages about what we need to fix or change. But what if the real invitation is to see and celebrate the unique way we're wired? What if our greatest strength is learning how to show up with kindness to the exact story we're living? The Enneagram isn't about putting you in a box—it's about helping you see the unique beauty of your wiring and how to live it out with grace. Ian Morgan Cron says, "The Enneagram doesn't tell you who you are; it tells you who you think you have to be." And in doing so, it also gently invites you back to your true self. The Enneagram helps us become more present to ourselves and others—not more perfect. Today, we're walking through all 9 Enneagram types, not to critique, but to honor. To celebrate. To invite a more compassionate relationship with the parts of us we often overlook. And we're joined by AMG coach and life coach Stephen Nichols, who has walked with countless men through this work. TYPE 1 – THE REFORMER You bring a deep sense of integrity and justice to the world. You have an inner compass that naturally points to truth, fairness, and doing what's right—even when it's hard. Your drive to improve things is powerful and needed, especially in a world that often accepts "good enough." You instinctively see how systems, people, and environments could be better—and you work to close the gap. Ian Morgan Cron notes that Type 1s often have a clear vision of how things should be—and that clarity is a gift to the world. When your idealism is paired with self-compassion, it becomes principled leadership and courageous accountability. Your high standards aren't a burden—they're part of the goodness you bring. But remember: you're not here to fix everything. You're here to live with integrity, and that begins with how you treat yourself. Self-compassion for Type 1 sounds like: "My desire to do good is a strength. I can lead with grace as well as discipline." "I bring structure and clarity, and I'm still worthy even when things aren't perfect." "I don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love and respect." "I am a good man and still make mistakes. "Discipline and grace can coexist within me." You create order in chaos. And in your presence, others feel safe and steady. TYPE 2 – THE HELPER Your heart is immense—you notice needs others miss and offer love without needing a reason. You're the one who shows up when others forget, who remembers birthdays, who brings soup, who notices when someone looks tired or off. Your attention is love in action, quietly and powerfully felt. As Suzanne Stabile teaches, Type 2s are often the emotional backbone of their communities—offering connection, hospitality, and empathy that binds people together. Your strength lies in your ability to feel what others feel and respond with genuine warmth and care. When you turn that same compassion toward yourself, you become even more powerful—grounded, resilient, and rooted in love that flows both ways. Your worth isn't based on what you give—it's in who you are, even when your hands are empty. Self-compassion for Type 2 sounds like: "My ability to care is a gift, and I'm allowed to receive care too." "I am deeply lovable, not for what I do—but for who I am." "My needs matter just as much as anyone else's." "I am loved for who I am, not just what I do." "It's okay to say no and still be a good man." You bring warmth, connection, and generosity to the spaces you enter. That's real power. TYPE 3 – THE ACHIEVER You carry a fire to move things forward with clarity, confidence, and bold vision. You're driven, goal-oriented, and instinctively know how to get things done. You have a gift for reading a room, adapting quickly, and casting a vision that rallies people into action. You bring direction and momentum to teams, relationships, and projects. Ian Cron notes that Threes are the most adaptable and inspiring performers—able to shift and lead with excellence. Beneath the drive is a tender, human need to be loved for who you are—not just for what you do. When you slow down and reconnect with your deeper self, you find that your worth was never tied to performance. Your true strength includes your ability to be authentic, vulnerable, and present—not just polished and productive. Self-compassion for Type 3 sounds like: "My drive is beautiful—and I don't have to earn my worth." "I'm valuable, even when I'm resting." "Even when I slow down, I'm still enough." "I am valuable beyond what I accomplish." "Failure doesn't define me—how I treat myself does." You inspire others to dream bigger, act bolder, and believe in what's possible. TYPE 4 – THE INDIVIDUALIST You feel the depth and complexity of life in a way most people never touch. Your creativity and sensitivity give voice to the human experience in its rawest, most beautiful forms. You notice subtle layers of emotion, longing, and beauty that others often overlook or rush past. Suzanne Stabile calls Fours the torchbearers of emotional truth—willing to feel what others avoid. You remind the world that feeling deeply is not weakness—it's wisdom, strength, and sacred insight. Your presence brings permission for others to be real, to feel, and to show up authentically. When you practice self-compassion, you become a beacon of honesty, healing, and depth. You teach us all that emotional honesty isn't just allowed—it's necessary for true connection. Self-compassion for Type 4 sounds like: "My emotions are not a flaw—they're my superpower." "I bring beauty and meaning to the world just by being me." "My emotions are valid, and I'm not broken." "I can be unique and still connected to others." "Pain doesn't isolate me—it unites me with humanity." You help others feel seen, understood, and reminded that they're not alone in their longing. CLOSING No matter where you land on the Enneagram, you bring something good and true into the world. You don't need to change who you are—you need to honor it. Self-compassion is how you do that. It's not about self-indulgence. It's about self-acceptance. The Enneagram isn't a problem to fix. It's a mirror that shows your natural design—and the gifts you carry. As Stabile reminds us, the goal isn't to be better than your number—it's to be a healthier version of the one you already are. So take this with you: You are already enough. Not someday. Not when you get it right. Now. We'll drop a free link to the AMG Assessment in the notes so you can find out your type. Bring what resonated into your next AMG group, or share it with a friend who needs to hear it. You were made to thrive—and the best way to do that is by being fully, authentically you.

7 Common Signs You're Feeling Shame as a Man Most men don't like to look in the mirror—not the one in the bathroom, but the one that shows us what's going on inside. We're raised with messages like: You can't change the past. Just move on. Don't dwell. And on the surface, that sounds like wisdom. But underneath, it keeps a lot of us from practicing self-reflection… because we're not just afraid of guilt. We're afraid of shame. See, guilt says, "I did something wrong." Shame says, "There's something wrong with me." One leads to responsibility and growth. The other shuts us down and keeps us stuck. In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between guilt and shame and the common signs that you maybe struggling with Shame. If you've ever replayed a moment on loop, avoided someone because of how you felt, or carried the quiet weight of not feeling "good enough," this one's for you. You can't change the past, but you can own it. And when you own it, you start to change your future. So let's dive in! Shame vs. Guilt (Quick Distinction) Guilt Shame "I did something bad." "You can do better. Step up." Can fuel action: apologies, new decisions Can be a catalyst for growth "I am bad." "You are not enough and unworthy" Anchored in fear, hesitation, self-sabatoge Stifles momentum and vulnerability Focuses on behavior Focuses on identity; our 'being' Can motivate change Can lead to hiding or self-loathing Feeling shame as a man can be hard to recognize because many men are conditioned to suppress or mislabel it. Instead of identifying it as "shame," they might call it stress, anger, weakness, or failure. Here's how to tell if what you're experiencing might actually be shame: You feel like you're "not enough" Thoughts like "I'm a failure," "I'll never measure up," or "I'm not a good man" are rooted in shame. You may feel like you don't deserve love, success, or respect. Example: You forget your kid's school event and beat yourself up all day, telling yourself, "I'm such a terrible father. I can't get anything right." You isolate yourself You avoid friends, partners, or family because you don't want to be "seen." Shame often makes us hide—physically and emotionally. Example: A friend invites you to grab dinner after work. You say no—not because you're busy, but because you're feeling low and don't want anyone to see you in that state. You get angry or defensive quickly Instead of saying "I feel embarrassed," shame might trigger you to lash out or shut down. Anger is often a mask for shame. Example: Your partner says, "I miss talking with you." You snap back, "Well, I'm always working to support this family—what more do you want?" You feel exposed, so you react with anger You obsess over being "strong" or "successful" If your identity is tied to performance, status, or stoicism, failure in those areas can trigger deep shame. You might fear being seen as weak or "less of a man." Example: You injure your back but refuse to take a break from work or admit pain. Inside, you think, "If I stop, I'm weak. I have to keep pushing no matter what You feel emotionally numb Shame can lead to disconnection from your own feelings. You might say "I don't know what I feel" or feel nothing at all. It's a way to avoid the pain of being judged or exposed. Example: You receive bad news—your friend is going through a tough time—but you brush it off, saying, "That sucks," and change the subject. You feel disconnected from the impact. You replay past mistakes in your mind If you constantly ruminate on things you regret or cringe at moments from your past, shame is likely involved. You may even punish yourself mentally for those mistakes. Example: You keep thinking about a breakup from years ago, wondering what you did wrong, convinced you're unlovable. Even though you're in a new relationship, you can't let go You avoid vulnerability or asking for help Shame tells you that needing others is weak. You may think, "I should be able to handle this on my own." Example: You're overwhelmed with life, but when your brother asks how you're doing, you say, "All good, just busy," even though you're struggling with depression and know you need support What You Can Do Name it: Simply saying "This feels like shame" begins to take its power away. Talk to someone safe: A friend, mentor, coach, or therapist can help you process it without judgment. Practice Being Kind & Curious with Yourself: See Shame as a way your system is trying to protect you, and then be curious about what it is trying to protect you from. Challenge the belief: Ask, "Is it true that I'm not enough?" or "Where did I learn that this makes me unworthy?" Confront the shame at the root of the behavior. Radical honesty. Speak the truth. Know that you are good, even with flaws and imperfections.