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Dr. Donna Oriowo
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Recently I had the honor of meeting with Dr. Jess for her podcast, Sex with Dr. Jess and we spoke about sexual compatibility. I don’t think it’s much of a secret that I think folk use the idea of being sexually compatible as a cop out.
What I mean is that we often work hard as hell to NOT try but then blame everything on sexual compatibility. We will say there is no chemistry, that we feel off, and have really done no work. Now, you know that I am a whole assed sex and relationship therapist so ima give you a short run down on the tea spilt in that conversation with Dr. Jess.
There are levels to this
When we talk about compatibility people act like it’s a binary, which makes sense given that we think of most things as being black or white with no room for shades or gray. We are taught that things should and do fit into neat little packages so we often miss the nuance in the very things we are hoping to explore.
When it comes to relationships, there are levels to this shit. Meaning that compatibility also had levels to it. You can be compatible and in sync with regard to linking each other, how you spend time together, love languages, and how you both like sex. And you can also find that you are sexually discordant– a fancy way to say that one of you likes and desires sex more than the other.
When this happens people often are approaching a partner as if they or the partner is broken or wrong for wanting what they want. But I think of sexual desires like I would any other appetite. If you wanted cake and they didn’t while you might joke that they are weird, you wouldn't hold it against them that they don’t want any. Sex works similarly. How often we desire sex (and what kind of sex we desire) can change from day to day and moment to moment.
Alternatively speaking
After coming to grips with the whole “not broken” part of it all, you then get to choose what to do about it all. There are several options, some which may look better than others.
You can create a list of sexual activities that would be satisfying and in those moments when you are not on the same page, you can look to see if any of them would serve as a great sexy alternative to meeting needs without violating boundaries.
You can both further explore what is hitting on your sexual gas versus the sexual brakes and see if working out some of those things may help being you onto the same sexual page
You can explore other relationship types that allow for needs to be met while maintaining your romantic connection. Meaning maybe take a look at ethical non-monogamy. I know we are also very heavily indoctrinated into monogamy, but reimagining your relationship and considering how needs can be met, can also be hella helpful. It could also take the pressure off to perform and meet every need that your partner has. You can look at opening up romantically and having various partners, or opening up sexually only and exploring swinging etc to better meet a physical desire.
The point is this, we are not always sexually on the same page and it doesn't mean that we are broken. It also doesn’t mean its automatically time to jump ship and move on to someone else. Sometimes we need to so some extra work to explore where we are, and create workable solutions. Otherwise, you can refer to what I said at the start: you are using compatibility as a cop out to not have to work.
Feel free to check out the episode with Dr. Jess HERE
TL; DR: anxiety can happen a lot at night because of the last thing you ate, the last thing you watched, or that stuff that never got figured out in the day because now your brain is quiet. Manage that nighttime anxiety by managing what you eat, see, and by creating a routine that gives you great rest!
Have you ever been feeling “some kind of way” and it felt like a combination of panic, fear, and uneasiness? Then you feel like you can’t breathe properly, there is pressure on your chest, and you are almost gasping for breath? You might also notice your heart beating right out of your chest, you’re wearing your shoulders like earrings, and every muscle in your body feels hella tense. You might even notice feeling a little dizzy, like you’ve been spinning in circles. And way? All this because because you had thought of something that you can’t get out of your head. This is what anxiety looks – or feels – like.
As an emotion, anxiety is normal. In fact, according to WebMD1, anxiety is the brain’s way of showing you that there is stress and potential danger ahead. So, basically, you feel anxious because your brain is trying to prepare or protect you from danger. The thing is it’s hardwired to protect you against bears (and shit), but we could be panicking about paperwork. The brain doesn’t know you are not in danger, it thinks you need help and BAY-BEEEE It will provide!
Anybody can feel anxious at any time. For instance, when you have an upcoming job interview, or you’re going to meet someone that you either like or dislike, or you’ve read something that reminds you of a time where you were anxious in the past. However, when anxiety becomes the major flavor in your life and it feels like it is taking over your life, this is a whole problem and you might benefit from getting a therapist to help you cope.
While anxiety occurs anytime, it often happens at night. In fact, Cleveland Clinic labels a specific category for this type as sleep anxiety. Anxiety at night is challenging because the inability to sleep is a symptom of anxiety (which can makes things worse), and when you are anxious, sleeping gets even more difficult. So sleeping and anxiety affect each other and could make everything feel worse.
Common Reasons Why Anxiety Happens at Night
When we know better, we can do better. This is our “know better” moment. It’s hella important to understand triggers for anxiety, especially why they can occur at nighttime. Knowing why can help you figure out how you can create coping skills that prevent the anxiety funk. So here are the common reasons that anxiety occurs at night.
1.Not getting enough rest all week
You could get preoccupied with all your responsibilities for the whole week. Black women are often seen as strong, independent, and full of energy and we are capable of doing everything at once. While this seems like a compliment , this should also serve as our reminder that we also need some rest just like everybody else. So if you get carried away by this notion of the expectations of how productive a Black woman should be, then you could be setting yourself up not to get enough rest.
2. Watching things late at night that triggers you
Anxiety doesn’t just happen in a snap of a finger, y’all. There is a trigger to these feelings. You see something or hear something and then, there it goes, the palpitation, uneasiness, and fast heartbeats. So whether it’s a TV show or anything you’ve scrolled by on social media, especially when you see it before bedtime, your mind can latch on to it and it can be a trigger that gives you that night time anxiety.
3. Your diet.
What you eat can also cause you to have uncomfortable feelings at night. While this is more a physical rather than mental factor, not getting good enough sleep can definitely lead to troublesome anxiety that could impact your mental health.
Manage Anxiety at Night in 3 Ways
Once you realize what started your anxiety, you’re already halfway to having it addressed. Here are three ways that you can manage your night time anxiety.
1.Create a schedule that can help you rest.
The ideal recommendation for a really fulfilling and healthy kind of rest and sleep is six to eight hours straight. However, your schedule may not be conducive or realistic for this. If that is the case, try to insert naps and rest within your day. For example, you can squeeze in a 15-minute nap during your lunch break or look into one of the other 7 types of rest.
2. Monitor what you’re watching.
Triggers can come from anywhere, but at night, when you’re comfortable at home and simply letting time pass by, these triggers enter into what you’re watching. Whether this is from the TV or phone, you have to be extra aware of these triggers. It could also help to set a specific time of the day to check on these devices so you couldn’t open these at night when you most need to take your rest.
3. Monitor your diet.
Be mindful of the things that you put in your mouth. Take extra care of even the minor ingredients especially if you have allergic reactions or anything of that type because anything that could disrupt your sleep could worsen your sleeping pattern.
What else can you do?
These are simple and easy tips you can do to manage your anxiety. However, when your anxiety escalates beyond what you can do by yourself, get help! Consult with a therapist who can aid you on how to treat anxiety. You can see one of our therapists or check out the Therapy For Black Girls Directory.
You are the one who knows you the best. So take proactive care of yourself. Remember that taking care of your body will affect your mental health, and taking care of your mind will likewise improve your overall well-being.
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