Ask Christopher West

Questions answered this episode:

1. I’d like your opinion on popular songs that celebrate the pleasures of sexual union, like that Marvin Gaye song. Can their meaning—or the passions they stir—be redeemed within marriage? It seems many of these songs aren’t good in most contexts, especially those that objectify people. But are some of them acceptable for married couples to listen to privately, if the lyrics don’t violate the personalistic norm and actually draw one’s mind to the joy of union with one’s spouse? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
2. I’m engaged, and after 1.5 years together we’ve had ongoing difficulties. My fiancé has a very strong desire for union with me—not just sexually, but in living together and loving without limits. His desire is so strong that he becomes deeply frustrated by the limits of a premarital relationship, and he grows distant when that frustration hits. He even says it pains him to be with me. His distance makes me hesitant to marry him. It feels unnatural that Eros could be so strong it can’t endure normal premarital boundaries, and it scares me. Is this normal?
3. I’m a young Catholic woman still in love with a man I met in high school. Back then I felt something spiritual between us—a quiet sense of God saying, “Behold your husband.” He was the first person I ever saw receive the Eucharist kneeling and on the tongue, and it struck me deeply. Though we never acted on anything, seven years later my feelings remain, even though he’s dating someone else and has made choices against his faith. I pray for him daily, but I’m torn: do these prayers honor God, or keep me stuck? Should I keep praying for him or prepare my heart for the husband God intends?
   

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Questions answered this episode:

1. I’m a 24-year-old single woman who has never dated. I want to be married, but it’s a passive desire—I’m content and open if something comes my way. I don’t ache for marriage the way others do, and I don’t feel called to chase it. People tell me I’m wasting my twenties and question if I even want a family. I do want marriage, just no one has interested me yet. I don’t think God is asking me to hunt for a spouse. Does that make sense, or am I being foolish?
2. My husband and I have used NFP for 20 years, but during my fertile times he tempts me daily for intimacy. I resist for a few days but usually cave once a month, leading to intercourse where only I climax. It’s very hard to stop, and I’m always the one trying, which leaves me feeling guilty. I love our intimacy but resent his lack of restraint. A priest once told me confessing this monthly means it’s mortal sin, but I can’t find why. Can you shed light on this?
3. I struggle with unwanted arousal around my fiancée—holding hands, hugging, sitting close, even certain voice inflections. Sometimes there’s slight discharge without erection or intent. I feel terrible afterward and replay everything to see if I consented. A priest and therapist have both told me it’s natural and I lack culpability, but I still worry because I’ve read that near-complete pleasure can be gravely sinful. I’m trying to understand if these involuntary reactions are sinful. Please help a confused brother in Christ.
   

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Questions answered this episode:

1. Right now, I'm learning about cycles and fertility using the Creighton method. One main point is that the man is always fertile while the woman is infertile most of the time. I’m wondering if there’s a theology behind that—especially since the man typically initiates and is constantly fertile. What do you think is the significance of this?
2. I'm dating and love your podcast. I'm in a serious relationship but still in college, so marriage is likely two years away. When do you recommend reading Good News About Sex and Marriage? I viewed pornography in early high school but, with God’s grace, have been free for years. Still, twisted ideas about sexuality linger. I long for God’s truth—could reading these sources bring healing and help untwist what remains twisted in me?
3. I feel like modesty conversations are objectifying. Why talk about me as if I’m just pieces to cover? Secular friends see me as a whole person, but religious people seem to see only skin. You say there are no abstract breasts, yet I’m told to cover mine because they “distract” from me—even though they are me. If the body isn’t bad, why hide it? If others can look purely, why must I be my brother’s keeper? Can’t we stop sexualizing everything instead of keeping it taboo?

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Questions answered this episode:

1. I admire my Catholic family, but I struggle to receive advice from my parents. I’m academically gifted and study philosophy, theology, and psychology of relationships, while they don’t share my passion for ideas. When they give advice, I often think, “I’ve already considered that,” or, “There’s a deeper understanding.” I know their long marriage brings wisdom, but I don’t always appreciate it. What insight can you offer from your own experience about respecting and learning from parental wisdom in relationships?
2. Can male climax occur outside the womb if the couple intends to climax in the womb immediately afterward? I’m curious about how this aligns with Theology of the Body and marital intimacy.
3. I’m writing about Christ as bridegroom in every Christian’s life. I understand it in religious or consecrated life, but how does it apply to married people? Are there resources, including John Paul II, that discuss this? How should non-consecrated Christians live out this reality in prayer and daily life?

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Questions answered this episode:

1. I’ve been married for almost 25 years. My husband has been verbally abusive and sexually misused me, though we’re now on a path of healing and reconciliation. Because of the deep wounds, I haven’t been able to have sex with him since our separation a year and a half ago. I’m slowly learning forgiveness, but his anger over the lack of sex makes it hard. He says things like, “No loving Christian woman would make a guy wait this long.” How can I find genuine desire again after so much damage to my heart?
2. My friend, who identifies as non-binary, had masculinizing chest surgery. I knew about her plans but never dissuaded her or shared my faith. I even drove her to her first post-op appointment. Now I feel I failed to answer God’s call to speak truth. She may think I support her decision and doesn’t know I’m Catholic. I pray for her and want to reflect on what happened—how to seek God’s grace for us both and how to be a better friend in Christ moving forward.
3. Coming from a Protestant background, I’m now more open to icons and statues but still struggle with the physical gestures of veneration. I understand the honor is for the person represented, not the image, yet verses like Revelation 19:10 trouble me. I love sacred art but hesitate with bowing or kissing images. How does Theology of the Body help explain this kind of devotion?

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