Advice Articles - HomeWord

No one likes to be nagged. Yet many parents resort to nagging as a primary–though negative–way to communicate their feelings and desires with family members. Positive communication is vital for maintaining a healthy family. Successful families talk and listen. Good communication takes work, but if you employ some of the following tips, you’ll be on the road to improving your communication skills and the health of your family. • Listen more, talk less. How good a listener are you with your teen? Even when you are convinced that you are right and they are wrong? Listening is the language of love. The easy route is scolding and lecturing, but the results are not the same as when we listen. Sometimes teens just want to talk when they really aren’t looking for a parent’s opinion. Wise parents will learn to quit answering all of their teen’s questions before she asks them! For older teens, it might help if you ask their permission to share your opinion, saying something like, “Would you mind if I shared my perspective?” This sends your teen the clear message that you respect and care for her. When it comes to conflict, John Rosemond has this to say: “The fewer words a parent uses, the more authoritative the parent sounds. The fewer words a parent uses, the clearer the instruction.”1 Good listening skills include: – Give your undivided attention – Look beyond the content of the words and pay attention to tone and body language – Maintain an accepting and open attitude – Use good questions to help clarify your understanding. • Watch your own tone and body language when you speak. Your words only convey part of the message. Your tone and body language usually communicate more than the words themselves. For example, saying “Good job” when your arms are folded across your chest, while you are rolling your eyes and frowning, actually communicates something other than “Good job.” Do your best to make sure the message you send is the message you intend. • Avoid the silent treatment. Silence can wreak havoc on communication with your teen. If you need to process your thoughts before you respond verbally, always communicate the purpose of your silence. For example, you could say, “I need some time to consider how to respond. Let’s talk about this after dinner.” • Take a time out when emotions are running amok. When emotions are at extremes, it’s always a good idea to take a cooling-off period to ensure better communication can happen later. • Break the no-talk rule before it breaks your family. Healthy families talk on a regular basis. Both parents and teenagers will experience times when they don’t want to talk. That’s a given. But make sure these times are the exception, not the rule. Be intentional to create a culture of conversation in your home. • Make family mealtimes conversation times. There is beginning to be a trend of families trying to eat more meals together. But with your family’s hectic schedule, it can be tempting to quickly eat and run, moving on to the next activity. So be proactive to go beyond merely eating. Take advantage of having the family gathered together to engage in conversation. • Make bedtime conversation time. One of the best times to have good communication with teens is bedtime. Yes, bedtime. This might not be the optimal time for you, but remember it’s not about you. It’s about communicating with your teenager. And teenagers’ body clocks are naturally wired to stay up later. When teens are in bed but not asleep, they will likely be more ready to talk about their day or their problems or whatever is on their mind. This relaxed atmosphere is a springboard for good communication. And these more relaxed conversations are foundational for the other times when you need to have more serious conversations. • Have parent-teen dates or hangout times. By the time kids hit mid-adolescence, they are very focused on their friends and peers. But most are willing to do something fun with their parents; they still like to eat or shop. I recommend having at least a monthly date with your teenager. Let her or him pick the activity. These are great opportunities for casual conversation, and sometimes the time will be right for more serious discussion. But in all cases these experiences will help build a foundation of healthy communication between you and your teen. • Walk around the block. My good friend John Townsend regularly took his sons on walks around the block. At first they would complain, but about the second lap around the block “the floodgates of communication would open.” Whether it is a walk around the block, a cup of coffee at a local café, or shooting hoops together, the bottom line is the same: do whatever it takes to keep the communication lines open with your kids. 1John Rosemond, The Well-Behaved Child (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2009), 25.The post Tips for Better Communication with Your Teen first appeared on HomeWord.

Most men I know break into hives and immediately feel the pang of guilt when their wife says, “We need to talk.” I realize this plays into a “females-like-to-talk” and “men-like-to-not-talk” stereotype. I also realize there are exceptions and if you fall into that exception category–fabulous! Change the context and you can read this just the same. My experience is that when my wife, Cathy, says “we need to talk,” she really doesn’t need me to shoot words in her direction. Rather, she is looking to connect with me. When I was younger, I assumed there was a certain number of words or amount of time of “talking” that would lead to connection (i.e. “If we’d just talk more, we’d be closer.”) But over the years I’ve learned it’s more accurate to say, “If we connect more, we’d be closer, and ‘talk’ would be more natural.” Cathy and I know that when we get away on a date, or share a meal together, or have planned pillow time, our connection is going to be much stronger. But we also realized that life with kids was so busy that we’d have to steal a few minutes and be intentional to get to the heart of connection. These are specific questions that seem to fast-forward our connection: • Tell me: What’s happening with you? • What occurred today that you want me to know? • How are you feeling about life? Us? Obviously, it would be irresponsible to write about “talk” and “connecting” and not comment about “listening.” No one wants to be in a relationship with a world-class talker. We all want to be with… • Someone who doesn’t rush to judge or evaluate what we’re saying. • Someone who isn’t quick to agree or disagree. • Someone who doesn’t feel the need to express every opinion that flies across their mind. I have many regrets over things I’ve said. I can actually grieve some misplaced and hurtful words I’ve used. But I have no regrets over listening. I’ve never regretted thinking, Why did I pay such careful attention to her?, or,  Why was I so patient and empathic and understanding?” On the other hand, I have regretted checking email and reading my texts while Cathy was talking. But listening has never led to regret. Connecting and listening will lead to more talking. But keep in mind that talking isn’t the end game… connecting is.The post Connecting Requires Talking and Listening first appeared on HomeWord.

Have you ever experienced the frustration of seeing your kid not doing a task correctly (the way we want them to!)? Most often, our kids don’t learn how to do something “right” because we–their parents–don’t take the time to teach them how. Here’s a proven four-step plan for teaching kids to do almost everything: Step 1: I do it and you watch. This is the time not only to demonstrate the task but also communicate. Talk through the task as you perform it. For instance, if you really want that next pass of the lawnmower to start three inches inside the last cut, make sure you say so and demonstrate it as you mow. Answer questions and provide clarification. Step 2: I do it then you do it. This is a time of more demonstration, followed by supervised performance of the task by your child. Be supportive and patient. Provide gentle and loving guidance where necessary. Expect that it will take your kid time to learn correct methods and to meet your expectations. Don’t forget that it probably took you years of practice to develop that “best” way. Be sure to affirm your child for their improving skills–and their efforts–even if the results are less than what you desire. Step 3: You do it and I support and supervise. At this point of the process, take a few steps back and let your child perform the task. Engage your child from time to time to see how the task is progressing. They may still need your support, encouragement, and more instruction to perfect their skills. This is still a time to keep calm. Be sure to keep affirming genuine effort. Be aware that this stage, depending on the skills involved or the responsibilities required, may take the longest period of time to progress through. Step 4: It’s all yours kiddo! When you’ve seen that your child can perform the task to your expectations, you can remove yourself from the task altogether. This doesn’t mean that there will never be an occasion for you to check back in with your child. From time to time, kids will be kids and the task may not be performed as expected. Yet, for the most part, if you’ve used this teaching process with your child, you shouldn’t have to provide much supervision. You might even start planning the next task to teach your son or daughter. It is critical–even at this stage–that you continue to affirm and encourage your children on their performance of these family tasks. They, just like you and I, need to know we are appreciated!The post How to Teach Your Kids Almost Everything first appeared on HomeWord.

But at the beginning of creation God “made them male and female.” “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. –Mark 10:6-9 A few years ago my husband and I watched as a half-dozen friends hit the 10-year mark in their marriages and were struggling. Most of them began couples counseling in attempt to “save” their marriages. A few came out of their difficult period wanting to make things work and were better off than before. The others came out of counseling deciding nothing could be done to save their marriages and these ended in divorce. As my husband and I walked through these times with our friends, we decided that perhaps we should seek counseling in our 9th year of marriage in an effort to get ahead of this “10-year unrest.” We considered the options and decided there would be benefits of getting counseling before our marriage was in trouble rather than after. And so, we began counseling. Marriage is a beautiful covenant God created when he first joined Adam and Eve. It is a relationship meant for intimacy and partnership with one another, and together with God. It is based on mutual love, respect, and commitment. It is a sacred commitment. These days, the statistics are not good regarding the percentage of marriages that will stay together. Marriages need help to survive! My car dealership reminds me to bring my car in for a tune up every 15,000. Once a year, I have my furnace serviced, my grass fertilized, and my sprinklers checked. For all these, I make the time to be sure they are in working order. They are expensive to replace so I want to make sure they work properly. Marriages are much more valuable than cars or furnaces, and as such, deserve more attention and maintenance! But far too many couples do not seek any preventative maintenance. I am not suggesting that everyone should go for marital counseling tomorrow, but if a marriage is neglected it won’t work right and runs the risk of breaking down. Our marriages need to be invested in and taken care of in order to work well. And when we do so, we honor God. FAITH CONVERSATIONS: 1. What would it look like in your marriage to do a “tune up”? 2. What acts of kindness could you perform today as a way to demonstrate to your spouse that you desire to invest in your relationship? A STEP CLOSER: Discuss as a couple what areas of your marriage may most be in need of some “tuning up.” Together, consider the possibility of seeing a marriage counselor for the purpose of “preventative maintenance.” If counseling isn’t feasible or needed, be sure to spend some time talking through your “tune up” issues.The post Couples Devotional: Time for a Tune-Up first appeared on HomeWord.

Many couples don’t take time to share with one another their individual expectations about issues that appear in every marriage before they say, “I do.” Issues like money, sex, faith, parenting, time spent with friends, holidays, resolving conflict, and chores are some of the biggies. The result of not addressing expectations before marriage is to simply kick the “issues” can down the road, and this increases the likelihood of conflict and misery. If you find that you and your spouse are not on the same page regarding expectations, you’re certainly not alone. The good news is that through healthy communication, you can jump the expectations hurdle, reach consensus, and move forward together. The more difficult news is that jumping the hurdle requires some focused and persistent hard work. Cathy and I never even thought to talk about household expectations prior to our marriage. But during her growing-up years, Cathy’s dad was Mr. Fix-It. He did everything around the house, and she just assumed I would be like him and fix anything from car engines to washing machines–anything mechanical. Her dad saw every such challenge as an opportunity to learn something new and conquer that giant. I am very different. Emphasis on the word very. I studied Greek in graduate school, but that wasn’t going to help me know how to repair anything. I can’t fix stuff. Unlike her dad, I see every such challenge as an opportunity to pay someone to do it instead. Cathy thought I was kidding when I said I didn’t know the difference between a flat-head and a Phillips-head screwdriver. And her unspoken expectation created a tension I could never solve. In our thirty-plus years of marriage, we’ve discovered many expectations that we both had and ignored by not addressing them prior to marriage. By the way, it’s normal to have expectations that don’t align with one another. However, that’s precisely why you should be proactive to talk through expectations rather than ignore them. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his very thorough checkup, the doctor sent the husband into the waiting area and called the wife into his office for a confidential assessment. In a concerned tone, he said, “Your husband is suffering from a severe disease combined with horrible stress. It looks as though he may die soon unless you commit to the following actions: Each morning fix him a full, warm, healthy breakfast. Always be in a good mood. Be constantly pleasant to make sure he doesn’t feel any additional stress. Make him a nice lunch and cook his favorite meals for dinner. Don’t burden him with household chores. If you can do this for the next ten to twelve months, I’m confident your husband will fully regain his health.” On the way home, the husband asked, “So what did the doctor say to you?” His wife paused for a long time, and then responded, “He said you are going to die.” While that story is funny, the serious truth is that if you don’t work on your marriage and become more intentional about expectations, your marriage could die. Do the hard work now, and you can save yourselves from future years of heartache and misunderstanding. (Adapted from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns and Doug Fields.)The post What Are Your Expectations? first appeared on HomeWord.