Advice Articles - HomeWord

Many couples don’t take time to share with one another their individual expectations about issues that appear in every marriage before they say, “I do.” Issues like money, sex, faith, parenting, time spent with friends, holidays, resolving conflict, and chores are some of the biggies. The result of not addressing expectations before marriage is to simply kick the “issues” can down the road, and this increases the likelihood of conflict and misery. If you find that you and your spouse are not on the same page regarding expectations, you’re certainly not alone. The good news is that through healthy communication, you can jump the expectations hurdle, reach consensus, and move forward together. The more difficult news is that jumping the hurdle requires some focused and persistent hard work. Cathy and I never even thought to talk about household expectations prior to our marriage. But during her growing-up years, Cathy’s dad was Mr. Fix-It. He did everything around the house, and she just assumed I would be like him and fix anything from car engines to washing machines–anything mechanical. Her dad saw every such challenge as an opportunity to learn something new and conquer that giant. I am very different. Emphasis on the word very. I studied Greek in graduate school, but that wasn’t going to help me know how to repair anything. I can’t fix stuff. Unlike her dad, I see every such challenge as an opportunity to pay someone to do it instead. Cathy thought I was kidding when I said I didn’t know the difference between a flat-head and a Phillips-head screwdriver. And her unspoken expectation created a tension I could never solve. In our thirty-plus years of marriage, we’ve discovered many expectations that we both had and ignored by not addressing them prior to marriage. By the way, it’s normal to have expectations that don’t align with one another. However, that’s precisely why you should be proactive to talk through expectations rather than ignore them. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his very thorough checkup, the doctor sent the husband into the waiting area and called the wife into his office for a confidential assessment. In a concerned tone, he said, “Your husband is suffering from a severe disease combined with horrible stress. It looks as though he may die soon unless you commit to the following actions: Each morning fix him a full, warm, healthy breakfast. Always be in a good mood. Be constantly pleasant to make sure he doesn’t feel any additional stress. Make him a nice lunch and cook his favorite meals for dinner. Don’t burden him with household chores. If you can do this for the next ten to twelve months, I’m confident your husband will fully regain his health.” On the way home, the husband asked, “So what did the doctor say to you?” His wife paused for a long time, and then responded, “He said you are going to die.” While that story is funny, the serious truth is that if you don’t work on your marriage and become more intentional about expectations, your marriage could die. Do the hard work now, and you can save yourselves from future years of heartache and misunderstanding. (Adapted from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns and Doug Fields.)The post What Are Your Expectations? first appeared on HomeWord.

This is my commandment, that you love one another, just has I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. —John 15:12-13 NASB Many couples expect romance to just happen, but we have found that intentionality is the key to rekindling romance. In two places Scripture says, “Husbands, love your wives” (Ephesians 5:25; Colossians 3:19). It’s directed to husbands, but it is the right advice for wives too. As we mentioned earlier, what’s really inspiring is that in the original Greek wording, the meaning is closer to “keep on loving your wife,” or “keep on treasuring your wife.” Do you make to-do lists? We sure do. Both of us are what our kids call list freaks. The only difference is that Cathy makes her multiple lists and follows them, and I make my lists and then lose them! Whether we write them out or not, everyone has to-do lists. We note things as simple as picking up the groceries, calling a friend on her birthday, or paying the taxes on a certain day. The Bible is much more focused on to-be lists than to-do lists, but throughout the Bible there are a variety of “to-dos” for Christians concerning how we treat each other. They are often referred to as the “one anothers.” Here are a few of them that we think directly related to marriage: Romans 12:16 — Live in harmony with one another. Romans 15:7 — Accept one another. 1 Corinthians 12:25 — Care for one another. Galatians 5:13 — Serve one another in love. Galatians 5:15 — Don’t spitefully hurt one another. Galatians 5:26 — Don’t provoke or envy one another. Galatians 6:2 — Carry one another’s burdens. Ephesians 4:32 — Be kind to one another. Ephesians 4:32 — Forgive one another. Colossians 3:9 — Don’t lie to one another. 2 Corinthians 1:4 — Comfort one another. Titus 3:3 — Don’t hate one another. Hebrews 3:13 — Encourage one another. James 5:9 — Don’t grumble against one another. James 5:16 — Pray for one another. These “one anothers” are perfect “to-dos” for a healthy marriage. What if we lived our lives and focused our marriages on these amazing biblical mandates on how to treat our spouse? When the day gets busy and the time runs short, we must admit that we all tend to short-cut this to-do list. As we look at the life and ministry of Jesus Christ, He obviously lived out the “one anothers.” He understood that treating people by the Golden Rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you” is not just a philosophy of life, it is the way to live life. We love what Mother Teresa once said: “Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.” Isn’t it interesting to note that the happiest people we know are the ones whose to-do list is filled with loving and serving one another? FAITH CONVERSATIONS: • What is challenging about the “one another to-do” list for you? • Which “one another” is hardest for you? • Today’s scripture says that we are to love one another as Christ loved us. It also says that there is no greater love then when a friend lays down his life for someone else. How can laying down your life be applied to our marriage relationship? A STEP CLOSER: The One Another To-Do List Going back to the list of “one anothers,” circle the three that you want to work on this week. Think about how you will specifically accomplish these tasks. (Excerpted from Closer: 52 Devotionals to Draw Couples Together by Jim and Cathy Burns; Bethany House, 2009.)The post Couples Devotional: Your Marriage To-Do List first appeared on HomeWord.

Many parents find it hard to talk to their kids about God and spiritual issues. Yet, God specifically places the responsibility for motivating a child’s spiritual development on parents. In the Bible, in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 we read, “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” God has given us, as parents, both the responsibility and the tremendous opportunity to help our kids grow strong in faith. If you need some suggestions about how to get started, here are ten practical ideas for you to try. 1) Be yourself. You don’t need a seminary degree to talk to your kids about God. You don’t have to speak using the language of the King James Bible to send the message that you want to talk about spiritual issues. In fact, if you do, your kids will wonder what’s wrong with you! So, be yourself! Share your understanding of who God is and why God matters to you—in a way that reflects the real you. 2) Don’t limit your conversations on spiritual matters to Sunday morning! This is not to say that Sunday mornings are off-limits for spiritual discussions, but don’t get caught in the trap of compartmentalizing faith issues to certain days or certain times. Let your kids know that spiritual issues are important in your life all of the time! This is exactly what the quote from Deuteronomy commands: talk about God when you sit at home, when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up! Spirituality is to be part of an ongoing discussion in our homes, with our families! 3) Let your kids catch you in the act of doing something spiritual. Do you have regular devotional times—where you read the Bible and pray—that you spend with God? Do your kids know it? How about letting your kids “see” you engaged in your own spiritual disciplines. Don’t forget that your actions will teach your kids a lot about your faith—probably even more than your words! 4) Look for natural opportunities to raise spiritual issues. This takes some intentional work by parents to be on the lookout for opportunities “along the road” of life, where issues almost beg to be discussed in light of our Christian commitment and faith. Many opportunities will arise as your kids watch you live life. How do you, for example, demonstrate your faith when some jerk cuts you off on the highway? Perhaps, depending on your reaction, this may be a time to discuss the issues of revenge or forgiveness! 5) Take the posture of a “fellow-learner” as opposed to that of a “teacher and student.” Being a “fellow-learner” takes the pressure off as far as trying to send the message that you “know it all” (and your kids will already know this isn’t true). When discussing spiritual issues, you will most likely hear a question from your child that you can’t answer. It’s fine to say, “I don’t know. Let’s work on finding the answer together.” 6) Utilize media to launch discussions about God and the Christian life. While much of today’s media is negative in its influence and portrayals of values, it can provide a launching pad for discussions of how Christian values compare to whatever is seen, heard, or read. 7) Have a plan for family devotional and prayer times. First, find a devotional guide, sign-up for HomeWord’s Daily Devotional email, or order a copy of my book, Faith Conversations for Families. Then, devise a plan (daily, weekly, at certain mealtimes for example) and then stick to it. Build the habit so your kids learn, “this is what we do as a family.” 8) Have fun with your kids! Sadly, too many kids are taught through role modeling from their parents and other adults at church, that Christianity means being grumpy and bored. Perhaps one of the most spiritual things you can do for your kids’ spiritual growth is to model for them that the Christian life is filled with love, peace, and joy! So, plan fun times for your family. Let them know that the Christian life can be fun! 9) Get involved in ministry together as a family. The call to Christ is the call to serve. You can communicate a lot about your faith in Christ to your kids by your willingness to serve; by getting involved in ministry. For years, successful youth ministries have known that getting kids involved in ministry and service results in spiritual growth and in bonding together the youth group community. Do you know what? The same benefits will occur within families when they serve together! 10) Disciple and equip your kids. Actively participate in teaching your kids about God and what living the Christian life looks like. Why not do a weekly Bible study together with your son or daughter? Ask your youth pastor or youth worker for ideas for Bible study material. Youth workers will never be able to use all the materials that are available to them! Or, select a book together on a spiritual topic and then have a weekly discussion about what you’ve read.The post Ten Ways You Can Start Communicating Christ to Your Kids first appeared on HomeWord.

Jim Burns often speaks and writes about the importance of families playing together. There’s no doubt that in our fast-paced culture, finding the time to play together as families is a significant challenge. Yet, as Jim has said many times, “The family that plays together stays together.” If you’re looking for some practical and simple ideas to increase the “play” factor in your family, this article is for you! Here are ten simple games with minimal props, little preparation, and (perhaps best of all) no digital technology or wifi required! 1. Four-Square One day, I looked out of my home office window and saw my neighbors across the street: Mom, Dad, and three kids playing four-square in their driveway. What a great idea! All you need is a decent-sized flat area, a ball that bounces (rubber ball, volleyball, etc.), and maybe some chalk to draw some lines. Need more info? Check out www.squarefour.org/rules for rules and set-up. Don’t get hung up on all of the rules or the size of the court. Just go out and have fun! 2. Hide and Seek You might think that this one only works with young kids. But you’ll be surprised to find that even your teens can have a great time at this oldie-but-goodie when Mom (and/or) Dad play. Get started by having mom (and/or dad) hide – and have the kids find you! 3. Tag Variation A simple game with no props required. All you need is some space and established boundaries. In this variation, everyone is “It.” The goal is to tag everyone else. When someone is tagged, he or she is out. The last untagged person is the winner. 4. Water Balloon Fight Buy some water balloons, fill them up, and divide them into two equal numbers. Then, divide up the family into two teams and have at it. No rules (other than perhaps something like, “No head-shots allowed”) are necessary. This is a fun summer or warm climate activity. 5. Beach Ball Golf This can be a front-yard, backyard, open space, or park activity. Blow up a beach ball. Assign a place on the course as the starting point (to “Tee-off,” so to speak.) Assign another place (a tree, a rock, shrub, or even place a rope in a circle) to be the “hole.” The game is played by moving the ball forward toward the hole by hitting it with your hand. Each hit counts as a “stroke.” Keep track of how many strokes it takes to get the ball to the hole. Take turns playing and the person who has the least number of strokes wins the hole. Determine ahead of time how many holes you’ll play during the game. The person with the least amount of strokes overall wins. 6. Neighborhood Service Scavenger Hunt The goal is to have fun together as you perform as many acts of service in the neighborhood as possible in the amount of time you designate. Divide your family into two teams. Then, decide what constitutes your “neighborhood.” For example, you may only want your family attempting to perform acts of service on your immediate block or to a specific group of homes. Use the point system below to determine who racks up the most points by the end of the game. Offer a special prize (a custom-made ice-cream sundae, for example) for the winning team. This is a great way to have some fun and also expose your family to serving others. Your family will likely have some great stories to tell after the conclusion of this game! Mowing a lawn – 10 points Washing a car – 5 points Sweeping out a garage – 3 points Vacuuming the inside of a car – 3 points Pulling weeds (20 minutes) – 3 points Walking a dog – 3 points Sweeping a porch – 2 points Vacuuming a living room – 2 points Sweeping a driveway – 1 point Washing a window – 1 point for each window 7. Nerf Power Ball For this game, which is best played outdoors, you’ll need to set the boundaries of the game (as large or small as you desire), a Nerf ball, and whatever you choose to serve as two “goals” placed on opposite ends of the area of play (chairs, trees, etc.). Divide your family into two teams. Each team tries to advance the Nerf ball toward its opponent’s goal by running with the ball or by throwing the ball to a team member. A goal is scored each time the Nerf ball is thrown and hits the opponent’s goal. The team without the Nerf ball tries to intercept the Nerf ball as it is being thrown or attempts to tag an opponent who is holding the ball. When the ball is intercepted in the air, the ball becomes the possession of the team that intercepts it. When an opponent is tagged while holding the ball, the ball changes possession to the other team. Whenever there is a change in possession, the team gaining possession cannot run with the ball, but gets to have one “free” throw to another team member and then play resumes as normal. After scoring a goal, the opposing team gains possession of the ball at their goal and is allowed one “free” throw to another team member. The team with the most goals at the end of the game wins. 8. Jello Slurp For this game, ahead of time, prepare one bowl of Jello for each family member. Set out the bowls of Jello and one straw for each person. The goal of the game is to be the first person to slurp up the entire bowl of Jello with a straw. 9. Potato Obstacle Course Race Needs: One potato, one broom, and a watch with a second hand. Before the start of the game, set up an obstacle course using chairs, or other obstacles. (If playing in your yard, even natural obstacles will work.) The goal is to use the broom to “sweep” the potato around the obstacles and return back to the starting point in the least amount of time. Before starting, you’ll want to demonstrate the proper way to navigate the obstacle course. Time each contestant as he or she goes through the obstacle course and the person with the fastest time wins. 10. Laugh-Off Have one family member sit in a chair. Have another family member stand in front of the chair. This family member has one minute to make the person sitting in the chair laugh. The standing person (who is attempting to make the sitting person laugh) may not touch the person sitting. If the standing person is successful in making the sitting person laugh within one minute, he or she receives one point. Trade-off so that during the game all family members sit in the chair and that all family members have a chance to attempt to make the other family members laugh. The person with the most points at the end of the game wins.The post Ideas for Family Fun and Games first appeared on HomeWord.

Just like a roller coaster ride, parents of teens must tighten their seat belts and hold on for dear life. At the same time, with an informed understanding of how faith develops in your teen’s life, you’ll be better prepared for the ride, and you never know, you might even find yourself enjoying it along the way. Faith Development and Teens During adolescence as kids move beyond a more childlike, concrete way of thinking to more adult-like abstract patterns of thought, it is not uncommon for them to struggle with their faith. That is what happened with TJ. One day he told his parents he didn’t want to go to church anymore. He said he didn’t believe in God like he used to, plus, he thought church was boring and irrelevant. His mom and dad didn’t know what to do: should they force him to go to church? Should they try to debate him with his newfound skepticism? I asked if I could meet with TJ. It was clear that he was a bit unmotivated about life (not unusual for a teenager), but he respected his parents and wasn’t antagonistic. All in all, he seemed like a good kid. I looked for deeper issues such as immoral behaviors, broken relationships with parents, abuse, or anything else that might be the cause of his negative feelings about his faith. It just wasn’t there. The main thing he expressed was not understanding how a loving God would allow things like death and war and poverty and abuse in the world. My response seemed to surprise him. “I think your questioning is healthy.” “Really?” “Yes. You’re asking great questions for someone your age,” I told him. “I’ve had many of those same questions, and sometimes they creep back into my mind.” “My parents think there’s something wrong with me.” I replied, “The only thing wrong would be if you quit searching for the right answers to these really important questions.” I then added, “I do wonder if your perception of the irrelevancy of church is more about your attitude rather than the church, because I know several people who really like your church.” He smiled but said nothing. I then offered TJ a fifty-day challenge (2). “How about investing five minutes a day for the next fifty days to your spiritual quest, and then meet with me every two weeks to talk?” I handed him my devotional book, Addicted to God, and he took my challenge. By the time we met next, he had gone back to church and even had some dialogue with his parents about faith. Today, TJ is an adult with a very strong and energized faith. As parents, we must remember that just because teenagers seem bored with their faith doesn’t mean they hate God. TJ was actually going through a healthy process of disowning his parents’ faith in order to develop a stronger faith of his own. The questions and convictions were all part of growing up spiritually. In fact, it would probably be wise for churches to teach parents more about faith development and spiritual formation. Let me explain. James Fowler, a pioneer in the field of faith development, identified six stages of faith (2). At stage one, children simply take on the faith of their parents. It’s a simple faith, and mainly they mimic their parents’ attitudes and even their prayers. At stage two, children start to connect faith to their church community and extended family, but it is still close to their parents’ belief system. At stage three, their faith is not personalized as much as we think, but they are taking on the faith of their church or denomination. Stage four is what Fowler called the “individual stage.” This means their faith is now their own. Sometimes they even move a bit outside the faith style of those closest to them. At this stage, faith is usually a bit simplistic and yet a serious commitment. Stage five is when adolescents begin to embrace some of the paradoxes of their faith. They are not shattered by unanswered prayer or the apparent suffering in the world that seems to be ever present. Their faith level is actually healthy, but a bit more complicated. The last stage, stage six, involves a more complex state of faith that often doesn’t solidify until adulthood. In this stage, people develop their sense of mission and calling in life. My hope is that by being aware of the normal stages of faith in a teenager’s spiritual formation, you can relax a bit when she expresses doubts and questions. This isn’t the time for parents to preach or condemn, but rather it is a time that provides opportunities to explore together the issues in question, to continue setting a solid example for authentic faith, to help teens connect their faith to the adventure of everyday life, and to take advantage of teachable moments along the way. Let’s turn our focus to the key aspects of successfully passing your faith to energize your teens faith.   (1) Jim Burns, PhD, Addicted to God (Bloomington, MN:  Bethany House Publishers, 2007). (2) James W. Fowler, Stages of Faith: The Psychology of Human Development (New York: HarperCollins, 1981), 117-199.The post Faith Development and Our Kids first appeared on HomeWord.