Lost Spaces: Memories from Gay Bars, Lesbian Clubs, and LGBTQ+ Parties

Sometimes when you live in a small close-knit community there is nowhere to hide. No where to disappear to. It can feel like you're always on guard, always wearing the false smile and maintaining the pretence for everyone else around you.

So, what would happen if you found somewhere that you knew no one else was going to be? Somewhere that you could totally relax, and just be yourself for an hour or two? How would that impact you?

Well, we're about to find out, because this week's guest is comedian Sunny Laprade, who grew up in small town America , and found an abandoned building as a teen where she got to be away from the judgemental eyes of... well... everyone else in her life.

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We talk a lot about — and when I say 'we,' I mean the wider queer community — how upsetting it is that queer bars and clubs are closing at an accelerated rate. But I think the bigger tragedy is the disappearance of queer cafés.

And maybe it’s wrong to pit them against each other, but queer cafés offer that beautiful intermediate step. They’re not as full-on or intimidating as a bar or a club, and they’re places where you can just be. There’s no pressure to perform, no need to match the thump of a bassline — just you, your overpriced oat flat white, and the comforting hum of conversations that sound a little more like home.

One of the absolute best queer cafés that ever existed — and I won't hear any counterarguments — was First Out Café in Central London. Before it closed in 2011 to make way for yet another railway construction project, it was a sanctuary. A place where you could nervously nurse a tea while pretending to read the free gay magazines that used to exist, all the while sneaking glances at the other queers who had found refuge there too.

It’s also where today’s guest, drag king extraordinaire Mr Wesley Dykes, took his first tentative steps into queerdom. Growing up between Lagos and South London, Wesley navigated the complexities of identity, family expectations, and self-acceptance. And when that weight felt a little too heavy, First Out Café was there — offering a cup of tea and the reassuring presence of a community.

Other episodes about First Out Cafe

I've always struggled with the word community, because it's something that I've desperately wanted - I've wanted to belong, and I've wanted to feel a part of something bigger than myself. But, at the same time, how do you measure those things? How do you know that you belong? What does that feel like, and how do you measure it?

And, I think someone who has had a similar experience, and has always strived for community and belong is this week's guest, Steve Whiting. Steve is the founder of the online listings site Hey Queer London, which started off as an Instagram page sharing events and goings on for people in London to have a better idea of how to enjoy their city. At the end of 2024 Steve made the difficult decision to close Hey Queer London, and we caught up to talk about this lost digital space, and what it has meant for him over the years.

Along the way we also discuss another famous lost-ish space, Twitter, guilty pop pleasures, and how your interactions with the queer scene change when you become sober.

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There's a reason that the theme song to the Golden Girls hits so hard for me. And, I think it's because I've always valued friendships over all other types of relationships. There’s just something magical about having that person who eggs you on, pushes you out of your comfort zone, and encourages you to be bolder than you ever thought possible.

So, I loved hearing about Norwegian drag king Erik Sjon’s first foray into dressing up—back when he and his friends would go full klub kid glam and dance the night away at Oslo’s Erskin.

This was well before he became a drag king or performer; it was just about self-expression, community, and joy.

We talked about what drew him to drag, the inspiration behind his character, and that one time he and his friends accidentally became go-go dancers (as you do!).

Oh, and—true to form—I completely failed to pick up on the pun in Erik’s name. Did you get it? No worries if not—he’s just about to explain it.

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So, usually we talk about a bar or a club or a coffee shop… or some kind of building, at least. But this week we're doing something a little bit different. We're talking about a set of steps.

Yes, you heard that correctly.

But, these weren’t just any set of steps. They were the legendary, and imaginatively titled, Steps that were found in Toronto's gay village.

And to tell us all about them is the author, speaker, and DEI specialist Michael Bach, who may have recently escaped the cold, cold winters of Canada to live in Palm Springs, but nonetheless maintains that a huge chunk of his heart belongs to Toronto's gay village.

We talk about coming out before you even know what gay is, using a fake ID to get in to the bar, and navigating being queer at a boy's boarding school.

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