<p>Simon steps up after Jonathan’s betrayal-and-capture situation turns into a full-on “Greek politics but make it messy” episode. <strong>1 Maccabees 13</strong> opens with panic—Trifon’s marching, everyone’s terrified, then Simon does the classic leader move: pep talk, fortify Jerusalem, and start tossing people out of cities like it’s a casual hobby (“Simon says get the f*ck out” becomes the unofficial theme). </p><br><p>Then comes the ransom plot that screams <em>“This will definitely work”</em>—Trifon claims Jonathan’s being detained over money (sure, Jan), demands <strong>100 talents of silver</strong> and <strong>two sons as hostages</strong>, and… shocker… keeps the cash <em>and</em> the kids <em>and</em> Jonathan. The chapter finally admits what we all assumed last time: Trifon kills Jonathan anyway, then peaces out like a cartoon villain who just remembered he left the stove on. </p><br><p>Meanwhile Simon goes full nation-builder: monuments, pyramids (math optional), and a letter from <strong>King Demetrius</strong> basically saying, “Look, we’re busy, keep your forts, stop paying taxes, let’s call it peace.” Then Simon conquers Gazara and the Jerusalem citadel, “cleanses” idol-houses (because nothing says holiness like forced removals), and literally creates a yearly celebration for it. Yes, another holiday, because apparently ancient Judea ran on palm branches and petty revenge. </p><br><p>👉 <strong>Listen now at </strong><a href="sacrilegiousdiscourse.com" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank" class="keychainify-checked"><strong>sacrilegiousdiscourse.com</strong></a></p><p>👉 <strong>Join our godless rebellion on Discord: </strong><a href="discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank" class="keychainify-checked"><strong>discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC</strong></a></p><p>👉 <strong>Support the snark on Patreon: </strong><a href="patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank" class="keychainify-checked"><strong>patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse</strong></a> </p><br><p>📌 <strong>Topics Covered:</strong></p><ul><li><strong>1 Maccabees 13</strong> recap: Simon inherits the chaos and immediately starts fortifying everything. </li><li>Trifon’s hostage “negotiation” tactic—<em>and why negotiating with kidnappers goes exactly how you think.</em> </li><li>Jonathan’s death: weirdly abrupt, wildly anticlimactic, and still somehow political. </li><li>Simon’s “cleansing” campaign: mercy… but only after eviction and idol-policing. </li><li>Demetrius’ letter: surprise tax forgiveness because empire-management is exhausting. </li><li>The Jerusalem citadel famine angle—“liberation” with a side of starvation. </li><li>Simon invents a holiday to celebrate “enemy destroyed” (aka shoved out). </li></ul><p><br></p><p>💬 <strong>Best Quote from the Episode:</strong></p><p>“You have a beard now. You have hair on your nuts. You can have this city.”</p><hr><p style='color:grey; font-size:0.75em;'> Hosted on Acast. See <a style='color:grey;' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer' href='https://acast.com/privacy'>acast.com/privacy</a> for more information.</p>