<p><em>Whispers and murmuring, interrupted by a gavel.</em></p><p>Archie: “Welcome applicants, to your initial interview for the University for Aspiring Dark Lords and assorted Evil Bastards. Before we get into the questions proper, I’d like to do a general inquest into your individual motivations. You know: Why do you want to be a mega villain? That sorta thing. Let’s start with you, the pasty lady with the long nails. What’s your name and tell us your motives.</p><p>Carm: “I am Carmilla, and I will rule over this world. Unlike those childish men.”</p><p>Archie: “Ok…anything else? What are you qualifications for ruling the world?”</p><p>Carm: “Those manchildren hoard and waste power that I deserve, and I’m going to take it and use better than any of them.”</p><p>Archie: “Ok, that’s more of a restatement than anything. I get what you’re saying. The penis is evil, hail the uterus and all that. But why do you specifically-“</p><p>Carm: “Because I deserve power. I endured the stupidity of men for far too long, and now I’ll take power for myself.”</p><p>Archie: “Ok, so you’re just a stereotype of a stereotype of the neo-feminist, with not much else going on. Got it.”</p><p>Carm: “I am an empowered legend!”</p><p>Archie: “Your gangly armed melanin deficient self, screaming about all the respect you deserve while doing all the shit you criticize everyone else for isn’t empowering. It’s annoying. Begone with you.”</p><p><em>Sound of fire and screaming.</em></p><p>Archie: “Ok, Mr. Renaissance looking Man: What’s your name and motive?”</p><p>St. Germ: “I am Saint Germain, adventurer and alchemist. And I shall open the infinite corridor where my beloved is trapped and free her.”</p><p>Archie: “That’s not very evi-“</p><p>St. Germ: “And I will sacrifice as many lives as needed to accomplish my goal.”</p><p>Archie: “That’s more like it. How will you accomplish this?”</p><p>St. Germ: “I will manipulate the worst undead dregs of world…”</p><p>Archie: “Sounds goods…”</p><p>St. Germ: “I will use hundreds of souls both evil and innocent as fuel…”</p><p>Archie: “Nice…”</p><p>St. Germ: “To build a half man/half woman construct that will control the interdimensional corridor and free my beloved.”</p><p>Archie: “You’re going to build a futa with interdimensional powers?”</p><p>St. Germ: “It’s called a Rebis.”</p><p>Archie: “I know what you want to call it. I’m going to call it what it is. But anyway, this necromantic futa is going to open the infinite dimensional doorway, and you’re going to save your girlfriend.”</p><p>St. Germ: “Yes.”</p><p>Archie: “Uh-huh…What’s your girlfriend’s name?”</p><p>St. Germ: “Uhm…pardon.”</p><p>Archie: “Your girlfriend. What is her name?”</p><p>St. Germ: “Well her name is…uhm…hmm.”</p><p>Archie: “Right. Did you come up with the theory of interdimensional futa on your own?”</p><p>St. Germ: “No, the secrets of this great work were told to me by a complete stranger who knew my identity and entire purpose while I was wandering the Infinite Corridor.”</p><p>Archie: “This stranger sounds pretty ske-Wait you where in and out of the Infinite Corridor?”</p><p>St. Germ: “The stranger had a key to get me out.”</p><p>Archie: “The stranger had a-Why didn’t you ask for more of those? Is it one way or something?”</p><p>St. Germ: “She said it would open the corridor wherever I choose.”</p><p>Archie: “Is there a fuel limit or something?”</p><p>St. Germ: “She said it was charged with many deaths. So maybe? It was very vague, and she was very insistent that I kill a lot of people and discard my morality. It was the first and only solution to her.”</p><p>Archie: “Did none of this seems suspicious to you?”</p><p>St. Germ: “I wanted to see my beloved again.”</p><p>Archie: “Right, what’s her name?”</p><p>St. Germ: “I…you know what, to hell with you. I’m done with this.”</p><p>Archie: “Yeah go cry with your totally not a scam interdimensional sex doll.”</p><p>(footsteps, door closes)</p><p>Archie: “Build a quasi human man-girl to control dimensions when there’s already keys for that? What kind of stupid magic is this? Whatever. You, swirly skull spirit looking thing, What’s your deal?”</p><p>Not Death: “I am Death.”</p><p>Archie: “No you’re fucking not.”</p><p>Not Death: “I’m a quasi-vampiric entity that feeds on souls and has been around for so long that people modeled the idea of death after me.”</p><p>Archie: “Sounds like deconstructionist bullshit to me. But it’s not unexpected. Continue.”</p><p>Not Death: “I pledged myself to Dracula so that he would unleash a wave of slaughter and feed my hunger for lives.”</p><p>Archie: “Which version? Ah-Don’t answer that. Just go ahead.”</p><p>Not Death: “But he was killed. And now I will bring him back to unleash a whole new wave of slaughter and gorge myself.”</p><p>Archie: “Great, and how will you accomplish this?”</p><p>Not Death: “By tricking Saint Germain into corralling dracula’s remaining servants into building the Rebis and then trapping Dracula’s soul and his wife’s soul into the Rebis which will drive them insane which will make them kill everyone.”</p><p>Archie: “Let me guess, you were the stranger who gave renaissance boy his futa plan?”</p><p>Not Death: “Yes, I am a master manipulator.”</p><p>Archie: “No, you found an idiot and sent him to do a bunch of busy work to once again…what is this magic system? Other people make big interdimensional gates, one place I know has technology that transports them through hell, but you guys…nothing is clicking here.</p><p>Not Death: “It’s not really magic, it’s advanced scientific phenomena.”</p><p>Archie: “Oh, you’re those kind of people. Did you consider finding other people besides Dracula to get the slaughter fest started?”</p><p>Not Death: “No, I need Dracula.”</p><p>Archie: “You mean the plot needed Dracula.”</p><p>Not Death: “What?”</p><p>Archie: “Nevermind. You know what, go ahead. Go trick a bunch of people, to build a futa doll, and then put Dracula and his wife into the doll, to make them crazy, to make people dead. It’s totally not convoluted and certainly not stupid and I’m sure it will work out. Go.”</p><p>(door opens and closes).</p><p>Archie: “I’ve just about had it. You’re the last one, wait don’t tell me you’re-“</p><p>Drac: “I am Dracula.”</p><p>Archie: “These people’s version of Dracula, sure. Now tell me your story.”</p><p>Drac: “Once I was miserable and destroyed all that displeased me, which was everything. Then I met my wife.”</p><p>Archie: “What’s her name?”</p><p>Drac: “Lisa.”</p><p>Archie: “Thank God, he knows. Ok: continue.”</p><p>Drac: “She gave me a new appreciation for life. She encouraged me to live as a man, not as a monster. Then the violent superstitious fools of this world accused her of being a witch, and burned her at the stake.”</p><p>Archie: “So now you’re going to kill the people who killed her?”</p><p>Drac: “I’m going to kill the whole world!”</p><p>Archie: “Of course you are, how silly of me.”</p><p>Drac: “Humanity doesn’t deserve to live! They are a worthless species deserving only extermination for their crimes.”</p><p>Archie: “Your wife was human.”</p><p>Drac: “She was one of the good ones.”</p><p>Archie: “Of course she was. Dare I ask how the fools managed to capture her?”</p><p>Drac: “I was away, travelling as a man, for I had promised not use my powers.”</p><p>Archie: “Why did they think she was a witch?”</p><p>Drac: “Uhm…well she was using the advanced technology I gave her to heal people. This shows that humanity is too stupid to-“</p><p>Archie: “So the advanced healing technology was human enough, but the advanced traveling technology and mag-I’m sorry, super science, was too much and you had to go without that. Same with weapons, and other avenues of protection.”</p><p>Drac: “I trusted in the goodness of humanity like she wanted. And that was only further proof that-“</p><p>Archie: “That’s not hope in humanity that willful imprudence. You also know there are supernatural threats, so why wouldn’t you put measures in place to defend against those, and thus the human ones as well?”</p><p>Drac: “I…wanted peace?”</p><p>Archie: “You’re both supposed to be smart enough to plan for these sorts of things. Please, don’t tell me you had kids…”</p><p>Drac: “We have a son. My one weakness, and chance for-“</p><p>Archie: “Did he also want genocide the planet?”</p><p>Drac: “He believed in his mother’s foolish dream.”</p><p>Archie: “So you’re going to kill him because you were committed to the path of death? Or something like that?”</p><p>Drac: “I only grievously wounded him because I was angry at the world, but I still loved him.”</p><p>Archie: “Sounds like the writers were throwing motives at the board till something stuck.”</p><p>Drac: “What?”</p><p>Archie: “Your motives sound morally grey and super complex. I hesitate to ask, but how were you going to kill everyone on the planet? Were you gonna unleash a plague or something?”</p><p>Drac: “I would summon an army from the guts of hell to-“</p><p>Archie: “Wait! Demons? What kind of demons? Are they fallen angels or deceased sinners?”</p><p>Drac: “They’re dead humans that my acolytes bring back from the dead and implant into new bodies.”</p><p>Archie: “And the other idiots already established that your magic system allows you to seek out specific souls and bring them back from death. Did you not know that for some reason?”</p><p>Drac: “I am Dracula, I have knowledge of all mysteries and advanced sciences beyond human understanding.”</p><p>Archie: “So the answer is yes.”</p><p>Drac: “Yes.”</p><p>Archie: “Why didn’t you just bring Lisa back? It’s clearly possible.”</p><p>Drac: “I…I was too far gone and committed to the path of revenge.”</p><p>Archie: “You spared your kid and you keep around a bunch of minions to carry out your dirty work. I’m gonna assume you also have a favorite or two? A trusted vampire spawn or general?”</p><p>Drac: “My chief lieutenants are actually…ehm…”</p><p>Archie: “Spit it out.”</p><p>Drac: “They are Human wizards. One of them is much cooler than the other. In fact he’s so cool that you probably won’t bother criticizing him.”</p><p>Archie: “Probably not. Point being, you’re motive for killing humanity is your dead wife. But you very clearly had the power, or could work towards having the power to bring her back from the dead and avoid all of this nonsense. Why didn’t you do that?</p><p>Drac: “I…was buried in grief?”</p><p>Archie: “Sounds like the writers didn’t plan ahead.”</p><p>Drac: “What?”</p><p>Archie: “Nevermind. Your wizard minions, are they worth talking about?”</p><p>Drac: “One of them is really cool. So cool that he probably has is own adventures away from any other person’s of note and his development of character will be more coherent than any other person I know. Almost comedically so. The other wizard is a complete moron. He’ll probably change his motives at random until he has a toxic romance. It will probably be with a female vampire who is conspicuously more alive looking and traditionally sexy compared to the other vampire women. And their romance will make all the shippers giggle in delight, but it will contribute absolutely nothing to larger events at play and it probably end in a very melodramatic and unsatisfying fashion.”</p><p>Archie: “Ease up on the fourth wall breaking, that’s my territory.”</p><p>Drac: “Sorry. Hmmm…perhaps my motives are a bit…”</p><p>Archie: “Stupid.”</p><p>Drac: “I was going to say nuanced.”</p><p>Archie: “Look, from what I’ve heard, you and other idiots are just a gang of angry teenagers with sporadic motives and constantly fluctuating power levels. You’re what happens if someone sees a complicated villain, traces them out, and then colors the picture with whatever shades they think are cool at the time. You’re trying to be something special, but the work isn’t there, and the craftsmanship is lacking.”</p><p>Drac: “What should I do?”</p><p>Archie: “Just wait for another reimagining, I’m sure another one will come along soon. You specifically don’t have to worry about anything. I can’t go a single villain meeting without seeing a different version of Dracula. So be patient, and begone.”</p><p><em>Lightning.</em></p><p>Archie: “That’s all there is for now. To any in the audience who made it this far, thank you so much for listening to this extra ranty Retrospective Rant, and have good one.”</p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://joeyh1996.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_1">joeyh1996.substack.com</a>