<p><strong>Note: Below is the un-corrected script for the audio of the podcast. I highly recommend you listen to the audio rather as this is a podcast, rather than a traditional “article”.</strong></p><p>Archimedes: <em>Welcome my noble audience, I am Archimedes Lichelord of Cyrenica, and today we embark on a grand and mythic adventure!</em></p><p>Snot 1 and 2: <em>Oh boy! I love magical adventures!</em></p><p>Archie: <em>No, there’s no magic in this.</em></p><p>Snot 2: <em>No magic?</em></p><p>Archie: <em>No demons or dragons either.</em></p><p>Snot 1 and 2: <em>What?!</em></p><p>Archie: <em>It’s human beings and everyday beasts in this story.</em></p><p>Snot 1: <em>How can it be an adventure if there’s no magic?</em></p><p>Archie: <em>Because we’re going to focus on mortal yet extraordinary fellows accomplishing great deeds against impossible odds.</em></p><p>Snot 2: <em>You said it was a mythic adventure. How can it be mythic if there’s no magic or dragons or monsters?</em></p><p>Archie: <em>It’s more about how a great story evolves on myths and then grows into or inspires legends. And how those inspire people to live out still more heroic tales.</em></p><p>Snot 1: <em>Why would they do that if there’s no magic?</em></p><p>Snot 2: <em>Yeah, who wants a story about real life. We live real life everyday.</em></p><p>Archie: <em>There’s lots of sword fights, and mystery. Also character growth and acknowledging the strengths of different cultures and what they bring to the human struggle. It’s also an excellent display of how men sometimes fight for the strangest of reasons, but can also form the strongest of bonds despite supposedly insurmountable odds. It’s a good story.</em></p><p>Snot 2: <em>Was any of that in the original?</em></p><p>Archie: <em>What?</em></p><p>Snot 1: <em>These days everything is based on something else. So, we’re asking: is any of the stuff you’re talking about in the original.</em></p><p>Archie: <em>I mean, according to every exact detail no…</em></p><p>Snot 2: <em>I knew it.</em></p><p>Archie: <em>“Listen you little shits! I’m going to talk about 13</em><em>th</em><em> warrior, it’s great adventure movie with great characters in an interesting setting. And you twits are gonna sit down, shut and learn something about storytelling. Got that?</em></p><p>Snots: (Crying) <em>“Why are you so mean”, “It was just a joke bro, “You’re so cruel”, What did we do you anyway?”</em></p><p>Archie: <em>Ffffffuuuuu-</em></p><p>Welcome to Retrospective Rants, with me, Joey Huff as your host. Today I’m going to talk about an adventure movie from the 90s, that The 13th Warrior, starring Antonio Banderas. Let’s get into it. Oh yeah, spoiler warning.</p><p>In ages past, our protagonist, Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan played by Antonio Banderas, is ejected from his comfortable role in the court of the great Caliph, and made ambassador to a country far to the North of the world. But his journey is interrupted, for as his caravan flees a group of bandits, they happen upon a group of Vikings who have come here to hold a funeral for their deceased king. As Ahmed does his awkward best to communicate, and well, be an ambassador, word comes to the camp that the lands of King Hrothgar are under attack by an unknown and unspeakable terror. The Vikings have a wise woman do her seer thing of consulting bones, as one does. And she says that 13 warriors must go forth to save the besieged land, no more, and no less. But the 13th warrior cannot be a Northman, and thus Ahmed is singled out as this 13th warrior. And that’s our set up.</p><p>This movie is based on the legend of Beowulf, but not directly. No-no. It is in fact based on a book written by Michael Crichton (Of Jurassic Park fame). And that book is half based on Beowulf and half based on an now dubious account of an Arabian man’s encounter with Vikings. There’s a whole other story there. But Crichton’s book, Eaters of the Dead was written as a way to combat critics of the original poem of Beowulf who say the original classic is uninteresting. This means that the movie 13th warrior is an adaptation of a book that is a narrative focused defense of a classic old English poem. Huh…</p><p>Despite this strange adaptational road, 13th Warrior is a fun and efficient adventure with a lot of heart. There’s as much of a focus on Ahmed’s attempts to ingratiate himself with his new company, as there is on the actual conflict with the mysterious monsters. There are quite a few differences between the Ahmed’s Medieval Arabic culture and culture of his Viking companions. The northmen are rougher and bigger and they don’t waste much time on niceties. Sometimes it’s a little gross. There’s a whole scene where they pass around a single bowl of water which is used for washing hair, hands, mouths and whatever else. They rinse their teeth and then spit water back into the bowl so it can be used by the next person. It’s fascinating in a gross way.</p><p>Ahmed is from the court of Arabic nobility where pageantry and well, courtly protocol and are present in excess. Added to that, Ahmed is a poet. He comes across as, and kind of is, softer and more pampered than his current fellows. He’s also the stranger to this motley crew, and his fellows, most of them anyway, don’t expect much from him. Even teasing him. But Ahmed is no pushover. He uses his talent for languages and words to quickly pick up on what the others are saying, impressing them all with his wits. When Vikings mock his smaller horse, Ahmed shows off both his riding skills and the agility of his steed. Again, impressing them. And when the first attack from the monsters arrives, he stands his ground and even manages to kill one of the marauders.</p><p>Ahmed is never painted as a victim, or even really an underdog. He’s the new guy that the boys have some preconceptions about and breaks through with his actions and attitude. This makes way for a strong bond to be formed between him and the Vikings. It’s especially strong with Herger, the roguish veteran with quick wits and Buliwyf, the leader of the company who, in my opinion, is a worthy competitor to Aragorn in terms of adventure story kings and leaders. These relationships are, in my opinion, the heartful half of this movie.</p><p>The actual conflict of the story, fighting the monsters or “wendol” is the other half. This is where we get into spoilers, and a few of my nitpicks with the movie. The wendol are not actually monsters, they’re cave men who try to imitate bears. Their “mother”, taking the place of Grendel’s mother, is witch who crafts poisons, and they have more horses than Genghis Khan. Seriously, these bear cosplayers who live in bone tents and caves have an obscene amount of war horses. Yes the wendol are very savage and unraveling their nature is part of the story, but they’re also a bit silly.</p><p>I’d be lying if the wendol were particularly memorable bad guys. They kill more and more of our heroes as the story progresses, showing that they are at least dangerous. But we only spend so much time with the full company of thirteen, and the ones that die early are ones we don’t spend a lot of time with. And we don’t get any particular members of the wendol tribe who are villainous or memorable. We get the mother of the wendol, and the war chief, but they’re more akin to upgraded or elite enemy variants in a video game rather than full characters.</p><p>The only other opposing force is the prince, or son of King Hrothgar. He is the typical spoiled and cowardly nobleman and works to undermine Buliwyf out of jealousy and fear for his own position. And while his plans are dealt with in an effective though quick scene, he remains and doesn’t do anything noteworthy for the rest of the movie.</p><p>You might ask: then what makes the conflict interesting? Well, our heroes. They put in quite a bit of legwork to figure out how the wendol function and how best to dispatch them. There’s also a lot of character work to be shown in their interactions with the people of the besieged village, and how both parties unite and work together against their common foe.</p><p>For some technical notes: The costuming is excellent, if a bit, dare I say, fantastical. The company of Vikings all have their own unique gear, probably to indicate where they have sailed and what loot they have taken. It’s cool, but also eye catching in a way that makes the historical puritans laugh. Trust me, I checked. The villagers all look like medieval frontier settlers, used to living in rough places and the wendol look like evil cavemen. Not much else to say.</p><p>I don’t have much to say about the camerawork, but the locations are quite excellent. The ships and the settlement all seem like lived in places rather than simple sets. Like wise the scenes where the Vikings hunt the Wendol mother in their cave network is intense and the closeness of the environment adds to that. The action is also excellent; it is a John McTiernan film after all.</p><p>All that being said, The 13th Warrior is a fun and engaging adventure film with some minor problems of conflict that, in my opinion, are edged out by excellent character work for our main protagonists. I highly recommend you watch it.</p><p>That’s all for today then. Thank you so much for listening to this Retrospective Rant and have a good one!</p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://joeyh1996.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_1">joeyh1996.substack.com</a>