Footballland

Greetings, Captain Footballland here!

I have exciting things to report: our intrepid trio continue to fight for the greater footballing good – battling interminable desert sand storms, blistering temperature and general indifference – the park progress. Flying high above the footprint of Footballland I can imagine the splendour that awaits, which is good because it's just sand at the minute. BUT meanwhile our brave threesome not only continue the build, but bring us THREE new attractions too!!!

Robbie Fowler's Growler

While the boys struggled to imagine Robbie Fowler in any other era than the 1990s, they luckily didn't struggle to imagine him with a massive bush and a series of animals that growl...

Calf and a Half

Petting zoo, centaur ride, I think not!! How about a field full of sexy, sexy, sexy leg shaped sexual aids. Imagine 'Field of Dreams' meets 'A Christmas Story' and you're about half way there.

The Referee's A W*nker

The less said about this the better. Give it a listen. If you can.

Yours lovingly,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Good day fair Footballlanders,

Another glorious week of Footballland is upon us, and what a week of Footballland last week was, no? EXCITING NEWS ALERT!! We have broken ground! We think... (TBC) Either way Mark is out in Qatar, we think... (or Saudi Arabia (TBC)) and he's employed a local (TBC) building contractor/builder/man who is definitely doing stuff.

Robbie Keane's Roly Poly Shooting Gallery

Ryan brings us one of the most iconic and poorly executed celebrations in football BUT in the form of a triathlon and possibly lots and lots of animal cruelty, (TBC).

Headless Chickens FC

Mark opens up about his former addiction to games consoles, it's hard to know whether this is a pitch or some kind of alternative therapy, however you won't be surprised to discover that clones are involved. And somebody with a massive head.

The Footballer Vacation Simulator

Want to live the high life? Or just look really bored on an identikit holiday of your mate's? Well, why have to choose when you can hop aboard the The Footballer Vacation Simulator.

We can't wait for you all to visit Footballland. Next week - let's do it all again!!

Yours lovingly,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Greetings Footballland Earholders!

Well, we must apologise again, not sure to who, but to somebody for sure... Yes we've failed, yet again, to break ground on Footballland but we're not really worried because it's all sand and sand is dead easy to dig so, you know... In other news Anthony is having a lovely time in Hawaii as he makes his way "the other way" around the world back from Tuvalu, so as not to lose a day AND then there's the small matter of coming up with three excellent new rides too:

The Quadruple Loople

Mark pitches the impossible, which we thought had been done before on Footballland but this time it's really impossible, it's a ride that recreates all the hype and all the reality of an English club trying to complete the quadruple. (Community Shield excluded, T&Cs apply).

It's Alive

Anthony suggests an alternate use for Martin Tyler: mad scientist. What better way to celebrate the history of football than to take one of the most famous catchphrases of recent years and add a letter? Join Martin for some Frankenstein-ish goings on, oh and some snooker too.

The Mark Drapery

If you're going bring your antiques to Qatar to get polish by Juan Sebastian Veron then you might as well get your soft furnishing whipped up too, right? Well at least Ryan thinks so. (Bloody interns!!)

Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and lots of love!

With love from,

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Greetings Footballlanders,

It's all kicking off in Tuvalu! Anthony has started the newest, spiciest rivalry in football. After beating them in an 11 vs 1 game, he has now started to berate them and insult them whenever possible. Needless to say, we've not started building yet BUT we did come up with three excellent new rides:

Ten Hag Pin Bowling

Man Utd have tried everything to not be sh*t recently, and failed, but it's possible that Anthony might have a solution for them – 46 pin bowling! What better way to make squad choices that to knock down random pins representing members of the squad. Sound more plausible than something called Ed Woodward.

Lee Cars Lee

Ryan loves a car park doesn't he, he just can't help himself. While it's not another car park this time (thank god) it is another car park based pitch, it's the Lee Cars Lee! Who better to look after your car than Lee Carsley? Only one small hitch with this one, Lee might not want to give you your car back...

The Draught Excluder

Mark loves nothing more than at the end of a hard day, to crawl inside a giant sausage skin and lie in front of a draughty front door belonging to an old lady. So he made a ride out of it. At least I think that's what this is.

Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and lots of love! Oh and join our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

With love from,

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

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Greetings Footballland Earholders!

What a sunny day it is here in Western Samoa, Doha and Butlins Minehead respectively! The team at Footballland are working around the clock to bring you the first, best, biggest and only football themed theme park in Qatar, ready for the World Cup in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar in 2022, in Qatar, and we've almost started building!

The three brand new rides for the park this week are as follows:

Father & Son - The Big Man / Little Man Combo

Ryan suggests having a service where disappointed dads can adopt a footballer to replace their hugely inadequate son. This leads to a conversation on the ethics of cloning, how to breed the perfect footballer and the curious case of Roy Keane Button.

The Open Top Bus Parade Rollercoaster

How can you have a football themed theme park without a rollercoaster in the shape of an open top bus parade? Has there ever been a double decker rollercoaster, and would anyone sit on the bottom deck apart from James Milner?

Mount Mason 

Anthony has been reading about Everest recently and just how busy it is. So he suggests building a mountain one foot higher in the shape of Mason Mount. Thus the strain of Mount Everest would be relieved and climbers the world over can get intimately acquainted with every nook and cranny of the Chelsea and England international. 

And don't forget to send us your ride ideas! We'll feature every single one. 

With love from, 

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern)