Teaching Kids Emotional Self-Regulation: Episode 222
<p><em>You can listen wherever you get your podcasts or check out the </em><strong><em>fully edited transcript</em></strong><em> of our interview at the bottom of this post.</em></p><p>In this episode of The Peaceful Parenting Podcast, I interview Kahlila Robinson and Sarah Gerstenzang about self-regulation, co-regulation, repair, and what realistic emotional expectations look like for children ages five to eight. We discuss why parent self-regulation matters so much, how to support kids through big feelings, and practical strategies families can use together.</p><p>Know someone who might appreciate this episode? Share it with them!</p><p>And <strong>if you love the podcast</strong>, FREE ways to help us out: 1- Rate and review the podcast in your podcast player app 2- âLikeâ this post by tapping the heart icon âĽď¸ 3- Share this with a friend. THANK YOU!</p><p><strong>We talk about:</strong></p><p>* 00:00 â Meet Kahlila Robinson and Sarah Gerstenzang</p><p>* 03:00 â The book and self-regulation. What self-regulation is and why it starts with parents</p><p>* 06:00 â Whatâs realistic for kids (ages 5â8) and why big emotions are normal at this age</p><p>* 11:00 â Co-regulation: What it is and how parents support it</p><p>* 15:00 â Supporting kids through big feelings: Why feelings shouldnât be rushed or shut down</p><p>* 20:00 â Revisiting hard moments and why conversations after the fact matter</p><p>* 23:00 â Repair: How and why to repair after conflict</p><p>* 29:00 â Practical tools and simple regulation strategies</p><p>* 35:00 â When strategies donât work: Why practice and flexibility matter</p><p>* 38:00 â Where to find the guests</p><p>* 39:00 â Final reflections: Advice to their younger parenting selves</p><p><strong>Resources mentioned in this episode:</strong></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://amzn.to/4lIaRgA">The Self-Regulation Workbook for Ages 5-8</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://www.kahlilarobinsonphd.com/">Kahlilaâs website</a> and IG @kahlilarobinson</p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://www.sarahgerstenzang.com">Sarah Gâs website</a> </p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/yoto">Yoto Screen Free Audio Book Playe</a>r</p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/membership">The Peaceful Parenting Membership</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/bra">Evelyn & Bobbie bras</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/workshop">Strong-Willed Kids Workshop</a></p><p><strong>Connect with Sarah Rosensweet:</strong></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://www.instagram.com/sarahrosensweet/">Instagram</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/peacefulparentingfreegroup">Facebook Group</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://www.youtube.com/@peacefulparentingwithsarah4194">YouTube</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/">Website</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://substack.com/@sarahrosensweet">Join us on Substack</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/newsletter">Newsletter</a></p><p>* <a target="_blank" href="https://book-with-sarah-rosensweet.as.me/schedule.php">Book a short consult or coaching session call</a></p><p>xx Sarah and Corey</p><p>Your peaceful parenting team- <a target="_blank" href="https://link.sbstck.com/redirect/4d532703-9143-4847-a50a-3138e1cba7f5?j=eyJ1IjoiZ2UxZnkifQ.XjljTdgjlg1jCSgKvXINHFuYmL3UO3h469LEV7PxF20">click here</a> for a free short consult or a coaching session</p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://link.sbstck.com/redirect/10acbeb5-1ec3-41e0-8dd6-bb9ead033604?j=eyJ1IjoiZ2UxZnkifQ.XjljTdgjlg1jCSgKvXINHFuYmL3UO3h469LEV7PxF20">Visit our website</a> for free resources, podcast, coaching, membership and more!</p><p><strong>>> Please support us!!!</strong> Please consider becoming a supporter <strong>to help support our free content</strong>, including <a target="_blank" href="https://link.sbstck.com/redirect/4491d4c0-d9d6-4a22-947f-76cb1fdf69fd?j=eyJ1IjoiZ2UxZnkifQ.XjljTdgjlg1jCSgKvXINHFuYmL3UO3h469LEV7PxF20"><em>The Peaceful Parenting Podcast</em></a><em>, </em>our free parenting support Facebook group, and our weekly parenting emails, âWeekend Reflectionsâ and âWeekend Supportâ - plus our <a target="_blank" href="https://link.sbstck.com/redirect/bed9aab5-d55c-46db-9ba2-fd90d44a0a85?j=eyJ1IjoiZ2UxZnkifQ.XjljTdgjlg1jCSgKvXINHFuYmL3UO3h469LEV7PxF20">Flourish With Your Complex Child Summit</a> (coming back in the summer for the 3rd year!) All of this free support for you takes a lot of time and energy from me and my team. <strong>If it has been helpful or meaningful for you, your support would help us to continue to provide support for free, for you and for others</strong>.</p><p>In addition to knowing you are supporting our mission to support parents and children, you get the podcast ad free and access to a monthly âask me anythingâ session.</p><p><strong>Our sponsors:</strong></p><p><strong>YOTO:</strong> YOTO is a screen free audio book player that lets your kids listen to audiobooks, music, podcasts and more without screens, and without being connected to the internet. No one listening or watching and they canât go where you donât want them to go and they arenât watching screens. BUT they are being entertained or kept company with audio that you can buy from YOTO or create yourself on one of their blank cards. <a target="_blank" href="http://reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/yoto">Check them out HERE</a></p><p><strong>Evelyn & Bobbie bras:</strong> If underwires make you want to rip your bra off by noon, Evelyn & Bobbie is for you. These bras are wire-free, ultra-soft, and seriously supportiveâdesigned to hold you comfortably all day without pinching, poking, or constant adjusting. <a target="_blank" href="https://reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/bra">Check them out HERE</a></p><p>Welcome back to another episode of the Peaceful Parenting Podcast. Todayâs guests are Kahlila Robinson and Sarah Gerstenzang, who wrote The Self-Regulation Handbook for Kids ages five through eight. Although their book is aimed at parents of kids these ages, the truth is that so much of what we discussed applies to parents of kids of all ages, toddlers to teens.</p><p>A lot of the themes we discuss today will be familiar to you as listeners because youâve heard me talk a lot about self-regulation, co-regulation, and repair. Listen into our conversation to learn why these are important for us as parents and why they are so crucial for teaching kids self-regulation no matter what age they are.</p><p>Letâs meet Kahlila and Sarah.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Hi, Kahlila. Hi, Sarah. Welcome to the podcast.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Thank you so much, Sarah. Thank you for having us.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah. Weâre going to be talking about your book, <em>The Self-Regulation Workbook for Children Ages Five to Eight</em>. But before we dive in, maybe if you could each introduce yourselves and tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Sure. Iâm Kahlila Robinson. Iâm a licensed clinical psychologist based in New York City. I have a private practice where I see kids, families, and adults. Iâm also a mom myself of two kids, and Iâm very happy to be here talking about the book and sharing more about our process and some of the highlights from the book.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Yeah. Thank you. So Iâm Sarah Gerstenzang. Iâm a licensed clinical social worker here in Brooklyn, New York. I also have a private practice, which focuses on adoptive families and complex developmental trauma. Iâm also the board chair of the Adoptive and Foster Family Coalition of New York, and the parent of three children, two by birth and one who we adopted through foster care.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Welcome. Yesterday, when I was doing my preparation for this podcast, I came across an online copy of your book, <em>Another Mother:</em> <em>Co-Parenting with the Foster Care System</em>, and I started reading it, and I kept having to go, stop, stop, go back to theâit seems toâI kept it open on my laptop. Iâm really looking forward to getting back to it. It seems really interesting. I grew up with some foster kids in my house when I was really young.</p><p>Okay, so back to the book that we are here to talk about. Maybe just tell us a little bit about your book and, just while weâre all on the same page, whatâs your definition of self-regulation?</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Our book is written for parents of kids age five through eight. So itâs called <em>The Self-Regulation Workbook for Children</em>, but itâs a slight misnomer. Itâs more directly written for parents and focuses on the importance of parents being able to self-regulate so that they can be calm on behalf of their kids, and really teaching parents strategies for how to do that through really stormy times with their kids.</p><p>Because what weâve seen, time and time again, is when parents are able to remain calm, for the most part, it benefits the child. It provides a model for the child. It supports a childâs own self-regulation. So thereâs a lot in there in terms of parent guidance on how to support themselves when their child is having a hard time or when theyâre having a hard time. And then thereâs also a lot of strategies in the book for kids and parents to use together to support self-regulation in both of them.</p><p>So thatâs the overview of the book.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah, itâs a really helpful book. I notice that just in my practice of coaching parents, parents always come with this idea of, in short, âfix my kid,â right? So we kind of talk about that as the inroad, but then after a session or two, parents always say to me, âThis isnât even about my kid. This is about me.â And I think thatâsâyeah. Nobody, though, wants to come into it thinking that. They always want to come into it thinking, âFix my kid.â</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Itâs kind of confusing for them also, because most parents parent the way that theyâve been parented, and they canât really take that birdâs-eye view and see, often, how they are impacting their own childâs sense of safety and calm and capacity to be in charge of their own emotions. So yeah, itâs confusing.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> So self-regulationâjust give us a definition, what you think of as self-regulation, so weâre all on the same page.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Throwing yourself.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yes. In short, yeah. Itâs the ability to identify feelings that you have within yourself in terms of how they come through. They could come through physically, they can come through as thoughts and as emotions. So, being able to identify those feelings and then find ways to contain them within yourself so that they donât end up spilling out and creating more disruptive experiences for yourself or others. So: identifying, managing, and containing your own emotions.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah. And thatâs hard for kids, though. I guess thatâs, you knowâhence the book, right? Itâs hard for kids, and itâs hard for adults too sometimes. I think thatâs why you spent so much time on differentâweâre going to get to thatâbut strategies for parents to use themselves for their own emotional self-regulation.</p><p>Before we talk about sort of what weâre working toward, what do you think typical self-regulation in kids looks like? Because what I find is that the parents I work with have higher expectations than kids are capable of, you know, sort ofâweâll talk about the under-eight setâin terms of what is a realistic expectation for how kids can manage their feelings?</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah. I think there can be a slight range, right, in terms of variability, as human beings. Five- through eight-year-olds are going to be expressing emotion. A lot of times itâs a full-body experience for them, right? So theyâre sad, theyâre madâtheyâre going to feel the charge in their system, in their full physical system. It could come out in ways that are more physical than it would be for an adult. They actually feel the emotion physically in a way that I think is more powerful than adults.</p><p>They also, like we were saying earlier, donât necessarily have that perspective on whatâs a big deal, whatâs not a big deal, what can be fixed, what canât be fixed, how to solve certain problems. Things can feel much more overwhelming to kids because they donât have that experience and perspective on how to solve problems, why certain things are certain ways, much less of an understanding around things like time and how things function and all of that. So a lot less information on how things run. And because of that, they can have bigger, stronger reactions to things than adults.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> And I would add to that, actually, that most children live in environments that are not very natural anymore. Kids five to eightâhumans were meant to spend many, many hours, most of the day, outside in a natural environment, which is calming: walking, exercising, playing, learning from adults just by watching. So, number one, that would help their regulation. And if they did become dysregulated, I donât know if youâve ever been outside with a 6-year-old screaming, but itâs not nearly so terrible as it is with one in the grocery store.</p><p>So, yeah, I think that also contributes to the misalignment of expectations and capacity.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> That makes sense. And I think itâs a tricky age too because, in my experience, both as a parent and a coach, I remember with all three of my kids, I think the hardest time for my husband with them was when they were around six. It was because they were so capable in so many other ways. They could learn how to play chess, they could talk to you about the stars, they couldâyou know, in some ways, intellectually, theyâve made a big leap and they seem so mature in some ways, but they also could have a meltdown where theyâre a crying mess on the floor because they wanted to press the elevator button and you pressed it instead, right?</p><p>So thereâs, I find, especially in this five- to eight-year-old set, a real asynchronicity between how developed they are in some areas and how emotional regulation is still super tricky for them in other areas. And I find that hard for parents. It does raise their expectations for how regulated itâs possible for their child to be in those difficult moments.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Especially when HALTâhungry, angry, lonely, and tiredâcomes into play. I remember getting so annoyed at my husband. I had one child whoâs super vulnerable to being hungry, and Iâd be like, âWhat? You forgot the snack?â So they donât have the capacity to overcome those things yet.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah, and I love how you brought that acronym in, and you talked about the âLâ as beingâthe âLâ for an adult might be lonely, but for kids as seeking connection or feeling a lack of connection. I think that is really important to think about.</p><p>Weâve already talked a little bit about parental self-regulation. I want to just touch on that again, and also co-regulation. So self-regulationâwhen we can manage our own big feelingsâcan you talk about what co-regulation is? Listeners to this podcast hear me talk about it all the time, but because you do talk about that a lot in your book, if you could just talk about what co-regulation is, and also why parental self-regulation and co-regulation are so important in the context of kidsâ self-regulation.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah. So co-regulation happens in infancy, right? When we are an infant and we are hungry or sleepy or need soothing of some kind, ideally a calm, available, consistent parent will meet that need for us, and we have a way of calming our body down. So thatâs when we first learn that a high-arousal, really active, really uncomfortable bodily state can actually shift. It can actually shift to something calmer. We figure that out. We learn that over time as infants, and thatâs our first experience of co-regulation. It comes from outside of us, and then we learn thatâs something that our bodies and minds can actually do.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> So thatâs like soothing a baby. That movement, holding them, making those calming noises. Thatâs something we do, I mean, a lot of us do that intuitively with babies. Maybe thatâs not fair to say, but weâreâitâs easier for us, I think, to do it with an upset baby, a lot of the time, than it is with an upset five- to eight-year-old. Why do you think that is?</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> I think it has a lot to do with what you just said, Sarah, about the asynchronous development, which is typical, right? Weâre supposed to be asynchronous at five through eight, but I think itâs that false sense of, like, âTheyâve got it.â They have these capacities. They are in school. Theyâre on a sports team. Theyâre learning how to read. Theyâre making friends. Theyâre doing all these things that youâre amazed by and that show this type of emotional maturity and growth and development. So maybe thereâs a false security there around, âWell, they can do it themselves.â And so it can be frustrating, right?</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Also, they can talk and babies canât talk. Thereâs a great documentary called <em>The Dark Matter of Love</em> about some kids who are coming in from an orphanage into a family. Early in the film, thereâs a lot of chaos, the kids acting out, but the dad canât understand because theyâre speaking in Russian. And you stay so calmâthese kids are shoutingâand they have the translation at the bottom of the film.</p><p>And I think when you have a five- to eight-year-old, they seem bratty sometimes because of what theyâre saying and the way theyâre saying it.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Mm-hmm.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Whereas a babyâweâre biologically programmed, I think, to have thatâit makes the back of your neck feel uncomfortable when you hear a shrieking infant, right? âSomebody pick that baby up.â But with a five-, six-, seven-, or eight-year-old, itâs more like, âWhatâs that kid sounding so bratty?â Obviously they need stuff too. They need to be co-regulated, butâ</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Thatâs part of our natural need to, as Kahlila was sayingâitâs totally naturalâour need to get these kids in order so they can be functional adults someday. But they also need to learn.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> I think thatâs one of the reasons why every day I teach, âKids are doing the best they can.â And I think itâs hardâitâs easy to remember that with a baby, but itâs harder to remember that with a five- to eight-year-old.</p><p>So what does co-regulation look like for a five- to eight-year-old with a parent? What would you do to co-regulate with a kiddo? Because thatâs how they also learn self-regulation, right? Through co-regulating with us.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah. So in our book, we talk about co-regulation starting with the ability to self-regulate as a parent. So if you notice yourself getting activated in relation to your kid, thatâs fine. That happens. An awareness of that is really helpfulâlike, âI notice myself getting kind of frustrated right now,â or just a tightening of my chest right now, or a furrowed brow. Just being able to have some awareness of where youâre at, what your baseline is, is a good place to start so that then you can take care of yourself a little bit and keep yourself contained.</p><p>That can be saying something to yourself like, âOkay, here we go. This is not a big deal. This is something we can do.â Or, âMy only goal right now is to keep calm myself. Let me see if I can do that.â Or, âThis is temporary. Weâll get through this.â So a little bit of self-talk you can do with yourself if you notice yourself getting a little bit heated and wanting to co-regulate.</p><p>If you need something a little more than that in terms of self-regulation as a parent, you could do a little bit of deep breathing. If you practice breathing when youâre not upset, when youâre calm, it can be really helpful in those moments that are more intense. It can be a strategy thatâs actually really effective if you take a couple nice deep breaths in.</p><p>And if you have more time and you can do something else to calm yourself down in the moment, you can do many, many other things. Sarah talks a lot about strategies to use in the kitchen, right? Like washing dishes. If you have a window in your kitchen, or a window somewhere, staring outsideâsomething sensory-based. Smelling something calm. We like to talk about sticking your head in the freezer, getting that blast of cool air, chewing on a piece of ice. Anything that you can do if you notice yourself getting a little too agitated to then engage with your child.</p><p>Because if youâre trying to calm your childâthink of a conversation you have with an adult when youâre upset, right? If youâre upset and youâre talking to an adult thatâs annoyed with you for being upset, or that is upset themselves, that doesnât tend to help calm you down. So you want to use that same model and idea for yourself: see if you can calm yourself down, make yourself feel as present and emotionally contained as possible on behalf of your child. So thatâs kind of step one.</p><p>After thatâSarah, do you want to add in anything about co-regulating?</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Yeah. So step two would be really a variation on what we do with infants. It could be patting on the back: âHey, whatâs going on?â Or, âYou need a minute? Do you want to go get your stuffy? Do you want toâŚâ Just kind of calm downâwhatâs going on? But using that same body, as Kahlila said. You need to be in a calm place. No childâs going to calm down with their parent very agitated.</p><p>Then I think just using your words. I make a lot of eye contact with my child who had the hardest timeâI actually had two kids who had a very hard time regulatingâso Iâd say, âLook at me. Look at me.â And Iâd start deep breathing and look in their eyes. I wasnât angry, just like, âLetâs calm down together.â Around those ages, that was super effective for them.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> I love that. âLook at meâ as a grounding technique, not as a âpay attention to me while Iâm talking to youâ sort of âlook at me.â</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Yeah, no. It was like, âLetâs get back together here.â</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> I think you also want to frame it a little bitâmaybe weâll talk more about thisâthe idea of co-regulation is to prevent as much as you can and contain a more disruptive, explosive thing. But itâs okay for the child to feel upset about something, right? Itâs not like you want to say, âStop, let me co-regulate this child so they can stop being upset because this is so annoying to me.â Maybe this is a very legitimate, healthy emotional expression that theyâre having, and youâre just there to contain it and guide them and help them ride that wave of emotion.</p><p>So I think thatâs the other thing that gets a little tricky sometimes for parents. Co-regulation is not necessarily about stopping the child from feeling what theyâre feeling and stopping the emotional expression. Itâs more about containing it and supporting it so that it can actually flow out of the child, right? If thereâs a legitimate hurt or upset feeling that the childâs feeling, you donât want to co-regulate so that it goes away. You want to co-regulate so the child can actually have their full wave of feeling without it being super disruptive or overwhelming.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah, thatâs a great point. Sorry, Sarah, did you want to say something?</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> I was just going to say what our point isâwhat I remember saying to my kids many timesâis, âI want to hear what you have to say, but I canât do that right now because of this.â Thereâs too much emotion going on.</p><p>Exactly what Kahlila is saying. And I think we can use our words to co-regulate too. âWow, youâre so angry right now, and Iâm really sorry youâre so angry. I want to hear what you have to say. Letâs take a few minutes.â So acknowledging what theyâre feelingâyour words really do matter. âI want to hear what you have to say, but I canât in this situation that weâre in.â</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah, in <em>Peaceful Parenting</em> we call it welcoming feelings. You talk in the book about how thatâs a really important part of kids learning self-regulation. Maybe you just mentioned it, but can you expand on that a little bit?</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah. I think itâs very important to understand that in order for kids to learn self-regulation, they actually have to feel the full extent of their feelings. Kids age five through eight pretty much donât have a chanceâthey donât have a choiceâbut to feel their feelings fully, for the most part. And as parents, we can unintentionally sometimes cut them off from the full extent and breadth of their feeling because itâs annoying or disruptive or we donât want to deal with it.</p><p>In that way, they donât necessarily get to learn how to fully contain it and understand it themselves. If theyâre getting prematurely kind of cut off by a parent saying, âStop,â or even just a parent thatâs trying to use distractionâsometimes distraction is effective, but sometimes a parent thatâs just like, âLook over here. Stop feeling what youâre feelingââthen it cuts off a little bit of learning for the child to say, âOh, this is how deep the feeling goes. This is how long it lasts. Okay, this is what it starts to feel like when it starts to go down.â</p><p>They get more of an internal knowing and understanding around what the intensity of the feeling feels like. So if you cut that off prematurely, then they donât get the full extent of that kind of learning.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah. I think sometimes we donât have the bandwidth for it as parents necessarily every single time theyâre upset, but I always talk about thinking of that as an intention. Your intention is to always welcome the feelings, but sometimes you do have to distract because youâve got to get out the door for work and you donât have 15 minutesâor 45, or whateverâto sit with them while they go through the feelings. So I think itâs just, over time, our intention is to welcome feelings whenever possible.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> And I think one thing we talk about in the book that I think is just crucial is revisiting. I always say to parents, Saturday morningâs a perfect time. You have pancake breakfast, whatever, if you can. Then you say, âHey, on Wednesday, when you got so upset and we did get to school, but I was wonderingâwhy were you so angry?â And just revisiting that time so you can understand what happened and then make different plans.</p><p>I think that matters. Itâs great if you can do it in the moment. Thatâs often very challenging. I have the same thought as you, Sarah. Time these days for parents is really, really rough. The pressures on them. But to actually go back and touch on that moment, that really matters.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> I love what you say aboutâyou donât have to address it in the moment. You can address it later. I often tell parents, you donât have to address it in the moment, and often itâs not even as effective because kids are not in their learning brains or their thinking brains, and they canât learn when youâre trying to address whatever the situation is.</p><p>Another thing you talk about is repair, and that goes on the heels of what we were sayingâaddressing something thatâs happened thatâs difficult for you or for them or for both of you. Can you just talk a little bit about repair? Whether youâve kind of messed up or youâve had some conflict with your kids, why is it important? And what are some best practices around repair?</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah. I think this is probably one of the most essential places to go as a parent. Itâs such an important parenting tool, actually.</p><p>And I think it can be foreign to a lot of parents, the idea of repairing with your child, because that wasnât how you were raised. You didnât have a mom or dad come to you after yelling or losing their temper and say, âHey, you know what? I think I lost my cool.â So itâs kind of like, how do I do this? This doesnât seem right, to apologize to your kid. Thereâs all this discomfort that parents can have around it.</p><p>But I think itâs so powerful, and one of the reasons itâs so powerful is because we really have to acknowledge that our children are some of our most important attachment relationships, right? Thereâs a huge importance to how we are feeling about ourselves depending on how our relationship is going with our kids. So repairing is not only healthy and good for the relationship and for the child, but itâs also healthy and important and good for the parent to feel like, âIâve done the best I could in repairing a situation with a child.â</p><p>So weâve all been there. Weâve lost our cool, overreacted, done something that we regret with our kids. And so when we talk about repair, the first thing that we suggest is just taking some moments of reflection for yourself and repairing with yourself. So that means whatever the shame or the guilt or embarrassment or sadness that you have around what happened, be with that. Be gentle with yourself. See if you can self-soothe a little bit. Parenting is a really hard job. I do the best that I can. Even good parents make mistakes. So really, again, that self-regulation around calming yourself down, trying to contain your emotions before you engage with your child.</p><p>So the first repair is really with yourself.</p><p>Then you want to be the, in terms of secure attachment, bigger, wiser model of things emotionally for your child. So you go to your child and you talk about it as simply and directly as you can. âHey, I apologize for yelling. I actually think I overreacted. And Iâm sorry that my voice got so loud.â And thatâs pretty much it.</p><p>Then you see how receptive your child is to that. If theyâre open to a hug or a high five, thatâs another way to affirm the repair. And then you see what itâs like to move on. But you try to handle it pretty directly.</p><p>Again, in terms of the timing of things, itâs nice if you can handle it kind of the same day that it happened, shortly after the event happened. If thatâs too hard for some reason, I think thereâs no wrong time. Thereâs never too late to say, âHey, Iâve been thinking about what happened to us last week, last month. Itâs been on my mind, and I want to let you know that I apologize.â</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Yeah. And I think then on the other side of that is that children make mistakes as well, right? And that we can give themâsome kids are very natural, âOh, Iâm sorry, Mommy,â and explain whatever happened. But at this age, itâs also unusual for them to do that. And so what one can do is give them an opportunity.</p><p>If they spilled, âGet the sponge.â Or say they had a big fit and the juice went everywhereââLetâs get this cleaned up. You can help me by wiping up the floor.â Because we donât want them to be stuck in that shame state of, âIâve made this big mistake and my parentâs mad at me.â Even if youâre not yelling, you can be silently really angry. So you can just give them an opportunity to repair. If theyâve hurt another child, âTake this ice pack and goâŚâ You can apologize by bringing over the ice pack, or drawing a picture, or something. I think itâs really helpful too to help them do it. Itâs not like we just wait until theyâre old enough to do it.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Mm-hmm. I always say repair helps the kidâwhen you invite them to make a repair, it helps them feel like a good person again.</p><p>And itâs an invitation because weâve all heard that, âSay youâre sorry,â and then the kidâs just like, âSorry,â and runs away. Thatâs not actually a repair. I always say, ask them, âWhat do you think you could do to help your brother feel better?â Which somehow is easier for kids, I think, than âApologizeâ or âTell them youâre sorry.â</p><p>But I love that you highlighted that it makes the person doing the repair feel better too.</p><p>And I just want to go back to what Kahlila said about doing your own repair with yourself first, because I think itâs really important that a parent making repair doesnât turn into asking the child for forgiveness. Thatâs really what we have to do for ourselves first, because itâs not their job to say, âItâs okay, Mommy,â or whatever.</p><p>Someone in my life, who shall remain nameless, still has a hard time with doing repair because his mother did the âIâm seeking forgivenessâ kind of repairs, and he just feels theyâre empty because of that.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah, yeah.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> So you talk about tools. A lot of your book is really practical. You share a lot of self-regulation strategies for both parents and kids. So maybe youâve mentioned a few already, but whatâs your favorite strategy for parents from the bookâone that you havenât mentioned yet?</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah. I think my favorite strategy for parentsâand this is kind of in the first half of the book, not in the strategies part, but you can think of it as a strategyâis actually playing with your kids most days when you can. It doesnât have to be for a long time, but kids five through eight love to play, and it brings them so much joy and feels so good to them. I think it can be very regulating for kids, and I think it can be really supportive of the relationship.</p><p>Even with my older child, yesterday we had a day where it was parent-teacher conferences, he had a half day from school, and afterwards we did errands and it was kind of more relaxed and we had more time to hang out and chat. We just had an easier time with each other and enjoyed each otherâs company. The evening routine was really smooth, and there was a lot of goodness between us and connection. The rapport was made even more solid between us.</p><p>I see that happen all the time when parents are able to devote even five minutes of undivided, no-screen, no-phone attention with their kidâplaying with them, talking with them. It really builds this ease to the connection such that giving directives or following the routine just makes things smoother. So for me, an effective strategy is having a bit of play and fun connection time with your kid once a day, even if itâs only for five minutes. It really lubricates the whole system and makes things easier. It makes kids more motivated to keep that good feeling with you. So thatâs one of my favorites.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Your book is really practical, and you do have strategies that parents can teach kidsâthings they can use in the moment. So whatâs your favorite strategy? Weâll just call one out for the podcast here.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Yeah, I would say, actually, taking a walk. Doing it with your child whenâitâs a great way to regulate. Often once youâre calmer, youâre walking, you can repair. And itâs also something kids can really do themselves as they get older. Itâs so simple. If things are really chaotic, itâs just like, letâs just start walking. Letâs walk around theâ</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> I love that.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Walk. Love that.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> And that calls back to your âgetting outside.â Everything feels better outside.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Yes, exactly. And itâs funnyâI just saw an article in the newspaper this morning about how now, having the phones that we have compared to not very long ago, landlines, people are actually spending so much more time on the phone. So if you can turn off that phone and take a walkâitâs really interrupting the parent-child relationship in a lot of ways. So we have to be very conscientious about doing that. So: a walk with no phone, I should say.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah. Iâm so glad that we didnât have phones when my kids were little because I think about those hours and hours spent at the playground where, frankly, it can get a little bit boring sometimes. And there was nothing to do but interact with the other people or watch your kids. There were no phones to pull out and see whatâs going on on Facebook or whatever.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah. Can I have one more?</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Oh, sorry. Yes.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Maybe for, you know, itâs a little harder for five-year-olds, but more for seven- or eight-year-olds: the idea of the child asking for a compromise when they are frustrated about something. Youâre setting a limit and theyâre not happy with the limit, and their response is frustration or anger.</p><p>To really help kids practice this as a strategyâitâs like a parent-child strategyâthey can feel a lot more empowered when they say, âOkay, well this is the limit, but may I have a compromise?â And you can have a conversation with your parent that often gets you more into the thinking and speaking part of your brain versus the emotional part of your brain. Youâre engaging and youâre trying to collaborate with your parent. That in itself calms things down a little bit. Again, it can be empowering for kids to say, âWait a minute, I have a right to speak here and see if I can ask for a compromise here and work with my mom or dad and talk it through.â</p><p>So I really like that one too.</p><p>And then itâs not exactly a strategy, but we have this section in our book where we have, I think, about eight kids talking about a time that was hard for them and how they dealt with it emotionally. Kids seeing other kids deal with big emotions and learning from how other kids do it is actually really helpful too. Iâve seen kids really want to absorb that and use it for themselves when they see another kid using a breathing exercise or pretending to blow bubbles or doing something. A lot of kids are learning calming strategies at their school, and so a parent could also say, âWell, what have you been learning at school that helps with you feeling calm at school?â and have the child teach the parent what that strategy isâanother nice way of integrating self-regulation practices for kids.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah. I love that you brought up those calming strategies, like the ones that theyâve often learned at school these days, which is greatâlike blowing on a cup of hot chocolate, or pretending youâre doing that to do the deep breathing.</p><p>I love that your book is really more focused on the parents and what the parents can do in terms of self-regulation and co-regulation, because what I hear over and over from parents is, âYeah, my kid can tell me five calm-down strategies that theyâve learned at school, but in the heat of the moment, theyâre not interested in using it.â</p><p>So are there things that you suggest for parents when you have a kid who is resistant to those strategies that they know, maybe when theyâre calm, they know they can use, but then when theyâre upset they are refusing?</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Practice. They need to practice ahead of time. Then the parents have to catch them doing it, even a small amount. Like, âOh, I saw you started the breathing, but then I guess you got so overwhelmed. That was amazing.â And soâbut also, you know, the stop, drop, and roll that they do in schools for fireâyou need to do the same thing with these strategies.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Mm-hmm.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Practice ahead of time. Talk about, âThis is going to be a really hard day for you. Youâre so tired and we have these events, and what are you going to do when youâre feeling so overwhelmed? What do you think is going to work for you?â So forth.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah, so prep ahead of time. And even afterwards, like, âOh, that was so tough. You know, maybe next time we can try to do that calming strategy X that you learned at school when youâre feeling that way.â I think that probably reinforces some of the patterns too, just even talking about it later.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Yeah. And if you feel like thereâs something thatâs not working for your child and itâdonât use it, right? Think outside of the box. Try new things. Do some trial and error. Every kid is unique, and something that may work for one child may not work for another. So discover that over the years and kind of accept the reality of what works for your child and what doesnât.</p><p>Some children may want a very tight bear hug. Other children might want to chew on a piece of gum or something like that, or take a walk. So be attuned to what is happening for your child and believe them when they say, âThis doesnât help.â</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Yeah. Love that.</p><p>Thank you so much. This is reallyâI think your book is really great, and weâll put a link to it in the show notes. Any place you want to send our listeners before we let you go? Any best place to learn more about you and what you do?</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> I have a website. Itâs <strong>kahlilarobinsonphd.com</strong>. So thatâs my website. I have an Instagram account with the same name, Kahlila Robinson PhD. So you can find a little bit more about me and my practice there. Weâd be excited to get feedback from people on the book and see how theyâre using it and whatâs been helpful. So we are so open to hearing back from people.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Awesome. What about you, Sarah?</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Yeah, so anyone can find me at <strong>sarahgerstenzang.com</strong>. And I echo Kahlilaâs request. If people find something useful in the workbook, we just love toâweâre proud of the work, and weâd love to know how it feels to actually use it.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Wonderful. Weâll put those links in the show notes.</p><p>Before I let you go, thereâs a question that I ask every guest at the end of the podcast. So maybe, Kahlila, you go first, and then Iâll ask you to answer the same question, Sarah. Which is: if you could give some advice to your younger parent selfâgo back in time and give yourself adviceâwhat advice would you give yourself?</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> I would probably say: enjoy it more. Thereâs something about the intensity and the demands of scheduling and routines and pressure and all that kind of stuff. See if you can not sweat the small stuff as much and be a little bit more relaxed about things and enjoy it more.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> I love that. Thatâs so important.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> So we used to have very long dinner hours, and I was just thinking as we were talking about repair today: I should have done more repairs after some of those dinners didnât goâsort of erupted. We had a nephew living with us for a while, so had four teenagers at a table. Anyway, lots of it was fabulous and wonderful, but also sometimes things happen. So yeah, I think, âOh, I should have done more repairs after those dinners.â</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Well, take your own advice. Itâs never too late.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Thatâs right. Thatâs right.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Let me know.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> Iâve apologized for everything. Donât worry.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Oh, good, good.</p><p>Well, thank you both so much for coming on. It was a pleasure to meet you, and thanks for all the support youâre giving parents out in the world.</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Thank you so much, Sarah. Thank you for having us. It was so nice to be here today.</p><p><strong>Sarah R:</strong> Thank you.</p><p><strong>Sarah G.:</strong> I reallyâ</p><p><strong>Kahlila:</strong> Appreciate it.</p><p><p>Reimagine Peaceful Parenting with Sarah Rosensweet Substack is a reader-supported publication. To support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.</p></p><p></p><p></p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://sarahrosensweet.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2">sarahrosensweet.substack.com/subscribe</a>
