A Voice of Her Own

Have you ever seen the hashtag #MMIW ? Do you know what it means? Do you know why it matters? In this episode I interview Julia Oliveira, the first dedicated Missing and Murdered Indigenous Persons Investigator in the state of California, and Rosemary Deck, JD, Chief Prosecutor for the Yurok Tribe, the largest tribe of Indigenous Peoples in the state of California.  Northern California, where the Yurok reside and where this podcast is recorded, has a disproportionately large number of missing persons cases, and a very large percentage of these cases - again, hugely disproportionate - are Missing and Murdered Indigenous Persons (also known as Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women.) The statistics around violence to Indigenous and Alaska Native women not just in California but across the United States and Canada are truly alarming. But this issue doesn’t stop at the border of the reservation. It ripples across communities, further perpetuating the struggles of those who have suffered systemic colonization, violence, and the effects of historical trauma, and those of us who live on land taken by force and subjugation.  Ultimately, this is a hopeful episode, because increasing awareness and knowledge is key to addressing this “open wound” as Julie calls it, suffered by so many families in California, and across the country. We can be good allies; we can be good neighbors. We can support the efforts of the Yurok Tribe to assist other tribes and law enforcement in bringing these women, and all missing Indigenous persons, home to their families and loved ones. In this episode we discuss:  the unique approach of the Yurok Tribe and tribal courts to restorative justice and asserting the sovereignty of the Tribe and tribal lands  the alarming and disproportionate statistics surrounding Missing and Murdered Indigenous Persons in California, particularly women, and particularly in Northern California the federal government reports that there are currently 5000 missing Indigenous and Alaska Native women, but that number is underreported.  4 out of 5 Indigenous and Alaska Native women will experience violence, and 1 in 3 in the last year.  homicide is the 3rd leading cause of death of Indigenous and Alaska Native women. Indigenous and Alaska Native women are 30 times more likely to be the victims of violence than white women. the pilot partnership with the US Marshal’s Office that came about due to the MMIP Summit hosted by the Yurok Tribe the ripple effect of these cases and the prevalence felt in the tribal communities the challenges and partnerships with state and local law enforcement under PL 280, which gives the state criminal jurisdiction over the tribal lands the confusing and contradictory jurisdictional issues under PL 280 and how that affects the law enforcement response (which is already strained due to nationwide staffing shortages) the historic attitudes between law enforcement and tribal communities and how positions like Julie Oliveira’s can be a bridge to better cooperation the importance of preserving the Yurok language and the cultural implications of using the language the To’ Kee Skuy’ Soo Ney-Wo-Chek’ program and how it was developed through the efforts of Chief Justice Abby Abinanti and Dr. Blythe George of the Yurok Tribe working with the Sovereign Bodies Institute the hope to empower other tribes to do this work through the toolkit created by the Yurok Tribe the case of Emmilee Risling, and the jurisdictional issues that point to the need for coordinated responses to missing persons reports the scope of the issue as Julie begins work as the first dedicated MMIP investigator, and the response from the communities working with the California Office of Indian Affairs to gather data and share information, which could be a template for other tribes moving forward the different systems tracking missing persons and the confusing lack of communication between them the challenges with the reported data and how i

Why do we worship perfection? What gives when we pursue it? Why do we compare ourselves and talk harshly to ourselves, and why do we always find ourselves lacking? What does perfectionism steal from us, and what can we do instead? If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a perfectionism paralysis, or never given yourself the kudos you deserve, this episode is for you. You are enough. In this episode I discuss: The relationship between perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis. The nervous system response that perfectionism engenders. The rise in perfectionist tendencies over the last few decades. How social media teaches us to constantly compare ourselves and find ourselves lacking. The rise of perfectionism in a scarcity culture of financial uncertainty. How helicopter parenting can contribute to perfectionist tendencies. The roots of perfectionism in a Puritan society, and how we seek to perfect ourselves to escape sin and death. The Apollonian and Dionysian perceptions of reality, and how our Western obsession with Apollonian values is a perfectionist creed. How perfectionism is a move away from the feminine and the earth. How perfectionism is an attempt to control the human experience, and the negative adaptive behaviors that result from it. Reframing envy and comparison to understand that we are enough, just as we are. Examining our self-talk and catching the critical inner voices before we’re damaged by them. The inability to give ourselves credit and reward, and how we rob ourselves of our most motivating brain chemistry response. The debilitating consequences of being motivated by fear instead of reward. The Takeaway: A three-minute nightly practice to boost dopamine and motivation. Links discussed in this episode: Huberman Lab: How to Increase Motivation and Drive  Shout-outs: Archetypes at Work  Neurogan   Use this code at checkout to receive 25% off your first order: EQUINOX25 Scribd  Use this link to get 60 days free: https://www.scribd.com/g/8w1vki  Hungryroot  Use this code to get $50 off your first grocery delivery: https://www.hungryroot.com/r/A2KV2H   

Jessica Ateman in her own words: Lady. Wife. Mother. Daughter. Sister. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Art Therapist. LatinX. Marathon Runner. But who am I really? Those are labels that others have used to describe me or to describe accomplishments at various points in my life. I am a human, seeking to grow and help others grow. I am a nomad at heart. I love experiencing - good and bad - very much the existentialist. I believe the only person you are racing to the finish line is the person you were yesterday and I live by that. On a more professional note: I am currently working in IBH part time in California and I am also running a private practice part time. I have spent the majority of my career in pediatric behavioral health, but have spent the last two years focused on family and couples treatment from the Gottman Perspective sprinkled with the Fair Play method. Having worked in community mental health throughout my career, I believe cultural competence and trauma informed care are essential. I also believe that the therapy world is evolving and am very much looking forward to its continued evolution. Jess is an unapologetic powerhouse, a forward-facing, direct-speaking, no bullshite, first generation LatinX woman who also happens to be a great marriage and family therapist. In this episode we discuss: creativity as self-care how comfort can actually cause anxiety and depression how discomfort can be an evolution factor to foster our own growth The Comfort Crisis and the Misogi Challenge the discomfort of not doing things well and not being a natural Jessica’s professional shift to seeing mental health as a holistic treatment that includes biological factors ice baths to reduce anxiety and depression the search to find the right place to live, and to settle down the importance of place and natural setting, and the grounding of returning to nature the repercussions of technology on youth; Jess recommends the book iGen  the feedback loop of information from social media and the effects on development feeling like an impostor in your own culture due to the mixed messages of social media Anthony Bourdain on the displacement of Chicanos in American society the pressures of being a first generation citizen from a family of immigrants the dynamics of living in a mixed-race family in our current political atmosphere raising children with radical honesty regarding race and culture the importance of having the hard conversations, particularly regarding race how saying “I don’t see color” is actually saying you don’t believe the different lived reality of people of color and not acknowledging the truth of their lived experience how Americans lack a sense of place and how the “I don’t see color” attitude connotes a lack of understanding of an individual’s place of roots, family, and origin the “rape-colored skin” article and how people become ‘white-presenting’ how representation in popular culture is a key piece of opening discussions around race and culture, particularly with children how being a part of the generation breaking the legacy of intergenerational trauma requires constant learning and evolving attitudes and understanding the habits of thought, attitudes, and assumptions about reality that are passed down through generations without conscious knowledge the year of fearlessness and living without shame the therapist as healer and the modern version of the bruja The Gift of Fear - how women are taught not to trust their own intuition the internal compass of safety and how to treat it as a reliable source of information the consequences of denying experiences and emotions and how we do this to our kids giving the grace of unconditional positive regard to the people we love the way that we unconsciously give our children conditional love without even realizing it the ripple effect of learning how to feel a change in development in ourselves and how to resource that feel the monkey mind and cir

Have you ever had something really great happen, and then instead of blissing out, you found yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop?  Have you ever damped down your own feelings of joy for fear that there would be negative consequences? It turns out, the fear of happiness is a real thing, and it has a name: Cherophobia, the aversion to happiness. It has four strong predictors: an unhappy childhood, perfectionism, belief in black magic or karma, and loneliness. Did you even realize you had a fear of happiness? I did not, and the more I unpacked it, the more I came to understand that this is not an irrational belief; instead, it’s a self-protective mechanism that we can slowly entrain to a different, more useful view, of how to experience joy and well-being. In this episode, I discuss: why cherophobia is considered an anxiety disorder even though it is not in the DSM-5 how cherophobia has been studied the predictors researchers have found across the world and across cultures the different forms of cherophobia childhood factors that can lead to an aversion to happiness attachment styles that are more likely to develop a fear of happiness the myriad ways that perfectionism keeps us from feeling joy and pride the sentence stem, “what right do I have to…” and how it keeps us from fulfillment and wellbeing the differing views on happiness in collective and individualistic societies the mixed messages women get around pursuing individual happiness and belief in collective wellbeing creating our own definition of happiness the loss of control of too much emotion or too much happiness the lack of rationality brought about by the giddy happiness of falling in love the co-morbidity with major depressive disorder the need to treat cherophobia prior to or in tandem with treating co-morbid depression the validity of our own responses how the fear of happiness is a self-protective mechanism the relentless positivity culture and how that disavows our own complexity and our own experience the psychological concept that anxiety contracts or expands depending on exposure the usefulness of mindfulness, self-care, and gratitude to nearly every issue of the podcast starting a small regimen of exposure therapy to happiness the self-work of learning our own negative bias and stories how combining mindfulness and gratitude can teach you to recognize small but powerful moments of happiness teaching yourself through practice and repetition that you can be happy without fear   Links discussed in this episode: What Is Cherophobia? How to Overcome a Fear of Happiness  Aversion to happiness and the experience of happiness: The moderating roles of personality - ScienceDirect  Fear of Happiness Underlies Some Mental Illnesses - Scientific American  What Predicts Fear of Happiness? | SPSP  People with unhappy childhoods are more likely to exhibit a fear of happiness, multi-national study finds  Fear of happiness among college students: The role of gender, childhood psychological trauma, and dissociation - PMC    Shout-outs: Neurogan   Use this code at checkout to receive 25% off your first order: EQUINOX25 Scribd  Use this link to get 60 days free: https://www.scribd.com/g/8w1vki Hungryroot  Use this code to get $50 off your first grocery delivery: https://www.hungryroot.com/r/A2KV2H    

Trust me when I tell you that this is the most important episode I’ve ever recorded. My goal is to empower women to agency, authority, and action, but agency comes first. Without agency, the rest is pretty much impossible. And you cannot have agency when you’re afraid. Carrie Slack was the first person on my list of guests I wanted on the podcast. Carrie teaches Empowerment Self-Defense, a mix of martial arts, feminist theory, and practical techniques that in peer-reviewed studies has shown a 68% decrease in sexual assault in women who have completed the course.  That’s dramatic, and it’s the message that I want you to understand: You have the means to protect and defend yourself. You just have to learn how. But it is possible and it’s available to learn, today. 1 out of every 6 women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape. 1 in 4 women will experience physical assault in an intimate relationship. I’m not about blaming the victim, and I don’t believe the responsibility of eradicating sexual and physical assault and Intimate Partner Violence rests on women; I believe it rests squarely on the perpetrators.  With that being said, if there was a way to learn skills that would enable you to walk through the world without fear, on your terms, would you want to know about it? At one point in this conversation, Carrie and I talk about all the wonderful experiences that women miss out on because of the fear of assault. This makes me incredibly sad. I want women everywhere to move through the world with agency and freedom. I hope this episode contributes to this for you, today. Trigger warnings: assault, sexual assault, domestic violence, intimate partner violence, missing and murdered indigenous women In this episode we discuss: learning from zero at all stages of life joy, how meaningful it is, and how it increases resilience  empowerment self-defense: what it is and how it differs from conventional self-defense the power of learning physical techniques and the fierceness it engenders the power of being victorious over your own fear and how you can take that out into life how understanding the framework of gender roles and expectations empowers women to be in the world in a new way  the awareness needed to move through the world with agency the way our internal messaging of being “nice” no matter what puts us in positions of danger our fear of making someone else “feel bad” and how it co-opts our own intuition the skill of giving yourself permission to leave and how to practice it Stacey Ramsower’s actionable practice of taking a pause from ep 1 how to create a space to determine what is actually happening and what we actually want asking ourselves what we owe any one person in terms of time and energy, and how that applies to all areas of our life what it takes to tolerate the discomfort of making other people unhappy, and why this is so essential to our own wellbeing and safety how fawning is a deeply-held survival mechanism and not a reason to be feel shame the evolutionary reasons we developed fawning and why it makes sense to approach risk with this behavior how learning to say no and tolerate discomfort requires practice and tools developing a personal bill of rights of how we deserve to be treated and what our rights are in any particular situation the studies that show a huge reduction in attempted - not just completed - assault after completing an empowerment self-defense course and how that relates to the clarity of knowing your own rights how perpetrators of sexual assault push to see what resistance they will encounter and how setting a boundary early is often very effective why the reaction to setting a boundary is an indication of character and intent how boundaries are loving and help us to be good to one another the principles of empowered self defense: think, yell, leave, fight, and tell the power of awareness, noticing, and intuition how part of “think” is getting accurate information about