Phoenix Rising With Dr Z: Conversations About Grief and Loss

How do you grieve someone when their death leaves you with more questions than answers? In Part 2 of this deeply personal conversation, Dr. Christina Zampitella and psychologist and author Dr. Niki Serravalle continue exploring the complicated grief that followed the unexpected death of Niki's ex-husband, Ed. After Ed died from a drug overdose, Niki began learning things about his life that didn't fit the person she had known for nine years. She discovered an arrest she knew nothing about, questioned whether drug use had been happening without her knowledge, and began hearing from others who had their own experiences with his lies. At the same time, those discoveries didn't erase the person she knew and loved. Niki reflects on the challenge of holding those realities together: Ed could lie and still be deeply loved. Their relationship could be chaotic and painful while also containing genuine connection and beautiful memories. She could love him while recognizing that being in a relationship with him was not healthy for her. Christina and Niki also explore the unanswered "what ifs" that often accompany grief, the stigma surrounding deaths from drug overdose, and the difference between loving someone and allowing them unrestricted access to your life. Niki shares how Ed's death ultimately became part of a much larger journey toward understanding herself, her codependency, her boundaries, and the stories she had carried about who she was. If this conversation resonates with you, subscribe to Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z and share the episode with someone who may benefit from hearing it. Learn more at: balancedlivingde.com Chapters: 00:00 How Ed Died 00:45 Discovering a Hidden History With Drugs 02:00 Learning He Had Lied to Everyone 03:00 Loving Someone Beyond Their Struggles 05:10 The "What Ifs" and "If Onlys" of Grief 06:15 Who Am I Actually Grieving? 07:00 Friendship After Divorce 08:15 The Medical Issues Before His Death 1 0:20 The Final Weeks of Ed's Life 11:15 Loving Someone Who Lied 12:10 Grieving His Absence 13:15 Finding Connection Through His Dog 15:50 How Ed Changed Niki 16:20 Connection vs. Compatibility 17:15 The Story Behind Niki's Book 18:50 When the Story Became About Her Own Healing 20:00 Vulnerability, Shame and Learning to Love Yourself 21:00 Can You Love Someone Who Continues to Lie? 22:15 Love Doesn't Mean a Relationship Is Healthy 23:00 Loving Someone With Boundaries 24:15 The Stories We Told 25:00 Why Niki Chose to Share Her Story 26:00 The Reality Behind Sensationalized Stories of Lying 27:00 Closing Thoughts

What happens when someone dies and, in the process of grieving them, you discover that parts of the person you knew may not have been true? In Part 1 of this deeply personal conversation, Dr. Christina Zampitella is joined by psychologist and author Dr. Niki Serravalle to explore a complicated and rarely discussed kind of grief: grieving the death of someone who lied about significant parts of their life. Dr. Serravalle shares the story of her relationship with her late ex-husband, from the intense connection they experienced early on to the small, seemingly inconsequential lies that eventually gave way to much larger deceptions. Together, Christina and Niki explore the confusion of loving and trusting someone while also learning to overlook inconsistencies, and how patterns of codependency can become intertwined with relationships marked by instability and deception. The conversation also examines the difference between compulsive lying and intentional manipulation, how codependency can show up even in people who appear strong and self-aware, and the grief that can happen long before a physical death when a relationship or the life you believed you had begins to disappear. Then, after her late ex-husband’s unexpected death, Niki made a discovery that challenged one of the most fundamental stories he had told about himself. Despite years of describing himself as a Marine and appearing to live with the physical and psychological effects of military service, his family told her he had never served in the military. That discovery opened an entirely new layer of grief and an unsettling question: Who exactly are you grieving when you can no longer be certain who the person was? Part 2 continues 9/15. Subscribe to Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z for conversations about grief, trauma, healing, and the complicated experiences that don't always fit neatly into traditional conversations about loss. Chapters 00:00 Welcome to Phoenix Rising 00:45 Meet Dr. Niki Serravalle 01:30 Grieving the Death of a Liar 02:40 How Niki and Ed Met 04:15 Love Bombing vs. Intense Love 06:10 When the Small Lies Began 07:35 Discovering the First Major Lie 09:05 When He Suddenly Disappeared 10:05 Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive 10:45 Being Pulled Back Into the Relationship 11:40 Codependency and the Need to Fix 13:25 Marriage, Money and More Questions 15:20 The Gambling Story 17:40 Understanding Niki's Codependency 19:25 Finding a Sense of Self 21:35 Why the Lies Became Easier to Ignore 23:35 When the Lies Became Part of His Identity 24:10 Ed's Story of Being a Marine 25:40 What Niki Discovered After His Death 27:00 “He Was Never in the Military” Key Takeaways Grief can become complicated when the person you lost is also someone you're still trying to understand. Death can remove the possibility of asking questions, getting clarification, or ever knowing the complete truth. For someone grieving after deception, mourning may involve both the person who died and the unanswered questions they left behind. You can grieve someone who is still alive. Niki describes grieving the connection and relationship she believed she had when Ed abruptly disappeared from her life. Grief isn't limited to physical death. We can also grieve relationships, futures, identities, trust, and the version of life we believed we were building. Codependency doesn't always look like neediness. For Niki, codependency showed up as giving up her own truth to protect someone else's, trying to create enough safety for another person to change, and believing that if she could make things okay for him, the relationship would be okay. A person can be accomplished, independent, and self-aware in many areas of life while still experiencing codependent patterns within intimate relationships. Knowing that someone lies doesn't necessarily mean you recognize the biggest lies. Once smaller lies became expected, Niki stopped looking as closely at certain details. Meanwhile, some of the lar

Ritual & Grief: Creating Sacred Containers for Loss with Gyani Richards In this episode, Christina and Gyani discuss ritual as a structured, therapeutic container that supports presence, safety, and transformation during grief. They frame healing work as descended from shamanic traditions and describe ritual as a non-intellectual, embodied “descent” that helps people tolerate uncertainty, identity shifts (e.g., widow, orphan), and the vulnerability grief exposes. They explore how rituals can honor losses, mark shattering life changes, and support a continued bond with the deceased, while cautioning against prescribing one-size-fits-all rituals and emphasizing autonomy, choice within structure, and customization. The conversation also highlights grief’s somatic nature, fears about being overwhelmed by emotion, and the idea that grief needs space to move. They close with the caterpillar-to-butterfly metaphor, emphasizing that struggle is part of transformation and cannot be bypassed. 00:00 Why Ritual Matters00:28 Therapy as Ritual Space02:11 Rituals Across Cultures03:43 Personal Loss Markers07:37 Beyond Intellectualizing10:09 Liminal Space Qualities11:57 Identity After Loss16:19 Continuing Bonds20:38 Prescribed vs Personal25:13 Choice Within Structure28:29 Making Holidays Bearable30:37 Grief in the Body34:02 Simple Everyday Rituals35:15 Fear of the Grief Well36:52 Caterpillar Metaphor42:05 Dont Meddle Support42:40 Where to Find Gyani43:31 Final Wrap Up

Ritual & Grief: Creating Sacred Containers for Loss Dr. Zampitella welcomes back grief counselor Gyani Richards to discuss how ritual supports the grieving process. Gyani describes grief as a rite of passage with separation, a liminal in-between, and reintegration, and explains ritual as an “on-ramp” that creates a container giving access to parts of ourselves otherwise unavailable—ranging from simple acts like lighting a candle to communal ceremonies. They explore how intention distinguishes ritual from habit or activity and how ritual helps create “right relationship” with loss—close enough to learn without being overwhelmed. Gyani shares a death-and-dying workshop framed as preparing to “die” on Sunday at 5:00, while Dr. Z recounts peak experiences in nature and a Navajo healing ceremony involving peyote. They conclude that people turn to ritual to hold the vast mystery of death and that even counseling can function as a ritualized container. Tune in next week for part 2. Chapters: 00:00 Welcome Back 00:57 Meet Gyani Richards01:57 Rituals In Grief03:26 Grief As Passage08:13 Right Relationship11:18 Death Workshop Story14:33 Death Anxiety Talk15:32 Ritual Versus Habit18:03 What Sacred Means20:15 Knowing The Sacred22:43 Peak Nature Experience26:51 Navajo Ceremony Story30:39 Why Ritual Helps32:00 Therapy As Ritual

Medical Trauma: Anxiety, Agency, and Advocacy in Healthcare (PART 2) Medical Trauma, Self-Advocacy & Identity Shifts | Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z Dr. Christina Zampitella hosts Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z, a podcast on healing through grief and trauma, and discusses medical trauma with Carolyn from the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition. They explore how patients can advocate for themselves by preparing questions before appointments, debriefing afterward, and building agency through curiosity, note-taking, and asking for resources like social work, chaplains, spiritual care, and supportive services. Dr. Z shares personal experiences with cancer treatment, including the vital role of nurses’ empathy and the impact of identity shifts such as being labeled “the one who had cancer.” Carolyn emphasizes self-understanding, self-compassion, communication with caregivers and medical staff, and seeking trauma therapy for ongoing medical trauma. They also discuss widening one’s focus beyond illness, nurturing rituals, and a “logbook” exercise on losses, silver linings, and what matters now. 00:00 Podcast Introduction 00:25 Empathy in Medicine 02:19 Preparing for Appointments 05:59 Asking for Support 09:58 Trauma from Procedures 11:35 Coping and Self Knowledge 14:48 Caregiver Communication Tips 18:39 Identity After Illness 21:38 Making Peace with Change 24:23 Finding the Sweet Spot 24:58 Core Self and Values 26:18 Integrity Not Betrayal 29:03 Curiosity and Self Care 30:10 Building Support Networks 32:24 Communication and Gaslighting 35:32 Healing Medical Trauma 38:30 Resilience and Rituals 41:10 Logbook for Meaning 45:46 Closing Thanks and Resources