Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This mini episode between season one and season two focuses on understanding your child’s intense reactions. Although there are many causes for a child’s strong reactivity, Leslie and returning guest Dale Rubury discuss expectations as one of those many causes behind those big reactions. Dale had a long list of unmet expectations from her childhood, so she joins her mom on today’s episode to unpack one example for parents and caregivers to learn from.

About the Guest:

Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety. 

Time Stamps:

1:48 Parents often say “what’s the big deal?” when their child is having such a big reaction

3:40 Kids can have a “script” in their head about how they think things should go.

3:50 Ironically, parents also have “shoulds” in their head about how they think things should go

6:00 Assume that the child feels embarrassment and shame about their reaction

7:11 Add compassion to the child’s reaction 

7:55 “Staying One Step Ahead of you Child” - we do this by understanding what is happening below the surface of the child’s reaction

8:39 Look for the prompting event such as the child’s expectation which set off this whole chain reaction

8:56 Parents may personalize the child’s behavior which will add to the problems

9:20 Ask yourself what’s my problem, what’s my child’s problem

12:08 How to teach “expect the unexpected” to your child

13:10 Ask your child before they do something “what are your expectations of….”

Today’s bonus episode is with special guests — and Leslie’s former clients — comedian Micheal Ian Black and interior designer Martha Hagen-Black. They join me to talk through holiday stress, and how to manage expectations around family and holiday plans. 

About the guests:

Is My Child A Monster? is on break, but we’re looking for guests for season two! So this between season bonus episode is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper about what happens behind the scenes making the podcast. They discuss what it’s like to be a guest on the podcast as well as what types of parenting questions and concerns they’re hoping parents and caregivers bring to them next season.  Learn about why and when you might choose to volunteer and get free therapy and how to apply to come on the show. 

We’re between seasons right now, but for those of you who joined us later in the season we wanted to revisit this earlier episode about when children are afraid to do new things with my parent guests Michelle and Emiliano. This is a common topic for many caregivers.  If you’ve heard it before I invite you to re-listen, as a way to reinforce new skills. And you might hear something you didn’t hear the first time!

There is a newsletter that comes out bi-weekly! The next one is about living life according to your values and what to do when those values are in conflict.   It happens everyday.  In this episode Michelle and Emiliano's values are also in conflict.  Do they respect their child's desire to say NO, or do they honor their value of exposing her to a rich experience.  You can listen to this episode with the new perspective of what to do when your values are in conflict.  You can find the link to this newsletter in the show notes. Or sign up at ismychildamonster.com

Show Notes:
Go to ismychildamonster.com to sign up for the newsletter

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live.  This is a conversation between Leslie and her daughter, Dale. It focuses on the topic of raising a responsible child versus an obedient child.  We all want children who listen to us. But it's not as simple as telling our children what to do, and expecting them to do it. In today’s conversation, Leslie will help us define the difference between these two ideas. Dale and Leslie explore these ideas in her childhood and reflect on the value of these principles in her adult life

Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety. 

Time Stamps
4:08 The dangerous side of raising an obedient child that you don’t always think about.

4:48 Raising a responsible child means raising a “thinking child”

5:55 Using the line “I see that you are practicing being a teenager” when teens talk back to their parents

7:30 Powering over your child vs giving your child “personal power”

9:42  Engage your child in the process of chores to increase and motivation cooperation

10:30  the importance of giving children choices and loosening the reins to allow for more freedom and autonomy in their daily responsibilities.

11:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury suggests giving children more risks to take to make them feel capable and confident, which leads to increased cooperation.

15:10 In order to foster cooperation, let your child take more risks. More capable more confident  which leads to be more cooperative 

20:55 Balancing limits for the child and respect for the child

23:45 Complaining is a secondary problem to doing the chore.  Instead MAINTAIN YOUR FOCUS on what you are asking your child to do.

24:50 Use the paradoxical statement “It looks like you need more practice doing the dishes”  when your child is complaining. 

27:25 Raising an obedient child means you may end up with a selfish child who uses victim language

27:55 Raising an obedient child ends up feeling smaller vs raising a responsible child helps to empower the child

29:00 How power struggles develop between parent and child

32:22 Are you coddling your child?  Do you think you are giving in to your child?  

37:25 What it sounds like when you as the parent start defending yourself

37:55 Brief description of the DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skill of check the facts 

38:43 One interpretation of when your teen questions adults is to be grateful that you are raising a “thinking” individual

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