One of the more common questions parents ask is when do I give in and when do I stand firm.  Todays special guest speaker is an expert on this question. Amy Kalasunas is a board certified Dialectic Behavior Therapist who, among other things, provides interventions for parents of struggling and complex young adults using DBT and SPACE, which stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.  We talk all about how parents can make an effective decision as to when to accommodate to their child’s big emotions and intense behaviors and when it&apos;s not effective. Time Stamps15:05  Six ways that parents accommodate<ol><li>To avoid the big emotions and the intense behaviors</li><li>When life goes on. The parent has to deal with their lives as they are and they can’t deal with the consequences of setting a limit</li><li>Parents have their own history - their own childhood experiences which impact their current parenting </li><li>When parents fear or are simply affected by the social judgments</li><li>When not accommodating may lead to self-harming behaviors or Suicidal Ideation</li></ol>19:35 How to decide whether or not to accommodate<ol><li>Do I have the bandwidth?</li><li>Does my child know that I am going to do this</li><li>Can my child do what I am asking?</li></ol>22:25  Explanation of Three States of Mind - wise mind, emotion mind, reasonable mind30:05 SPACE redefines what it means to support your child<ol><li>Validate</li><li>Express confidence that they will be ok</li><li>Stop talking - Put a period after #2 (kids are master debaters)</li><li>Resist the urge to solve the problem</li><li>Be a Broken record</li></ol>34:00  Aim lower:  Slice the salami thinner and set smaller realistic expectations Leslie-ism:  Check in with yourself about your own bandwidth when dealing with your child. Resources:  <a href='https://cebtohio.com/our-people/'>Amy Kalasunas Website </a>DIalectic Behavior Therapy Resources <a href='http://dbtselfhelp.com'>DBTSelfHelp.com</a>Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions - <a href='https://www.spacetreatment.net/'>SPACE Website</a> For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/'>https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/</a> . You can also follow Leslie’s work on <a href='https://www.facebook.com/lesliecohenrubury'>Facebook</a>,  <a href='https://www.instagram.com/lesliecohenrubury/'>Instagram</a>, <a href='https://www.tiktok.com/@lesliecohenrubury'>TikTok</a> and <a href='https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVcszFgY4rjHqO6-sUA5PFw'>YouTube</a>. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by <a href='https://www.allettacooper.com/'>Alletta Cooper</a>, <a href='http://camilasalazar.org/'>Camila Salazar</a>, and <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/'>Leslie Cohen-Rubury</a>. Theme music is by <a href='https://www.premiumbeat.com/artist/l-ray-music'>L-Ray Music</a>. Graphics and Website Design by <a href='https://www.sabordesign.com/'>Brien O’Reilly</a>. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

<description>&lt;p&gt;One of the more common questions parents ask is when do I give in and when do I stand firm.  Todays special guest speaker is an expert on this question. Amy Kalasunas is a board certified Dialectic Behavior Therapist who, among other things, provides interventions for parents of struggling and complex young adults using DBT and SPACE, which stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.  We talk all about how parents can make an effective decision as to when to accommodate to their child’s big emotions and intense behaviors and when it&amp;apos;s not effective.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Time Stamps&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;15:05  Six ways that parents accommodate&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ol&gt;&lt;li&gt;To avoid the big emotions and the intense behaviors&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;When life goes on. The parent has to deal with their lives as they are and they can’t deal with the consequences of setting a limit&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Parents have their own history - their own childhood experiences which impact their current parenting &lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;When parents fear or are simply affected by the social judgments&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;When not accommodating may lead to self-harming behaviors or Suicidal Ideation&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;p&gt;19:35 How to decide whether or not to accommodate&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ol&gt;&lt;li&gt;Do I have the bandwidth?&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Does my child know that I am going to do this&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Can my child do what I am asking?&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;p&gt;22:25  Explanation of Three States of Mind - wise mind, emotion mind, reasonable mind&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;30:05 SPACE redefines what it means to support your child&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ol&gt;&lt;li&gt;Validate&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Express confidence that they will be ok&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Stop talking - Put a period after #2 (kids are master debaters)&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Resist the urge to solve the problem&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Be a Broken record&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;p&gt;34:00  Aim lower:  Slice the salami thinner and set smaller realistic expectations&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Leslie-ism:&lt;/b&gt;  Check in with yourself about your own bandwidth when dealing with your child.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Resources:  &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href='https://cebtohio.com/our-people/'&gt;Amy Kalasunas Website &lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;DIalectic Behavior Therapy Resources &lt;a href='http://dbtselfhelp.com'&gt;DBTSelfHelp.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions - &lt;a href='https://www.spacetreatment.net/'&gt;SPACE Website&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/'&gt;https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/&lt;/a&gt; . You can also follow Leslie’s work on &lt;a href='https://www.facebook.com/lesliecohenrubury'&gt;Facebook&lt;/a&gt;,  &lt;a href='https://www.instagram.com/lesliecohenrubury/'&gt;Instagram&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href='https://www.tiktok.com/@lesliecohenrubury'&gt;TikTok&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href='https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVcszFgY4rjHqO6-sUA5PFw'&gt;YouTube&lt;/a&gt;. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Credits:&lt;/b&gt; &lt;em&gt;Is My Child a Monster?&lt;/em&gt; is produced by &lt;a href='https://www.allettacooper.com/'&gt;Alletta Cooper&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href='http://camilasalazar.org/'&gt;Camila Salazar&lt;/a&gt;, and &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/'&gt;Leslie Cohen-Rubury&lt;/a&gt;. Theme music is by &lt;a href='https://www.premiumbeat.com/artist/l-ray-music'&gt;L-Ray Music&lt;/a&gt;. Graphics and Website Design by &lt;a href='https://www.sabordesign.com/'&gt;Brien O’Reilly&lt;/a&gt;. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;</description>

One of the more common questions parents ask is when do I give in and when do I stand firm.  Todays special guest speaker is an expert on this question. Amy Kalasunas is a board certified Dialectic Behavior Therapist who, among other things, provides interventions for parents of struggling and complex young adults using DBT and SPACE, which stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.  We talk all about how parents can make an effective decision as to when to acco...

When To Give In and When To Stand Firm with Special Guest Amy Kalasunas

This is the second mini bonus episode where we will focus on understanding shame. In this bonus episode we discuss the difference between shame and guilt, the beliefs and myths associated with shame and an effective skill to deal with shame. Shame was present in the third session with Sarah in its many forms.  Our children can feel shame even when we try very hard not to shame them.  As parents we can easily feel shame that we carry from our childhood or trying to do this job called parenting. And this list goes on. Time Stamps1:49 Defining Shame2:22 Identifying some myths that go along with shame<ul><li>“I am not good enough”</li><li>“I am bad”</li><li>“People are going to reject me”</li><li>“I’m broken”</li></ul>2:32 Defining Guilt4:00 Child can internalize shame through interpretations that they are doing 4:45 Overt Shaming - the “should” statements and other judgments 5:55 Myths are mistaken beliefs7:30 When the shame is not justified or is not effective because of the duration of the feeling or the intensity of the feeling7:55 Opposite Action<ul><li>Identify the urge to hide which associated with feeling</li><li>Act opposite to that urge - such as pick up your head, make eye contact, speak the feared item out loud</li><li>Do it over and over again</li></ul>12:35 Separate the behavior and the interpretations of that behavior<ul><li>Check the facts</li><li>Finding other interpretations </li><li>Doing opposite action</li></ul> Resources:  <ul><li>MSNBC <a href='https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/other/you-weren-t-born-hating-yourself-new-book-seeks-to-help-combat-self-loathing/vi-AA1yUFb5?ocid=winp_esports_hub'>Video Clip talking about the New Book I Hate Myself</a></li><li><a href='https://www.ihatemyselfbook.com/'>I Hate Myself: Overcoming Self-Hatred and Why You Are Wrong About Yourself By Dr. Blaise Aguirre Blaise,</a></li><li><a href='https://dbt.tools/_files/resources/homework/emotional-regulation_opposite-action.pdf?v=1.1'>Opposite Action Skill from Dialectic Behavior Therapy</a></li><li><a href='https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/apply-opposite-action-to-guilt-and-shame'>Article on Applying Opposite Action to Guilt and Shame</a></li><li><a href='https://jbws.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/10-Practical-Examples-of-Opposite-Action.pdf'>10 Practical Examples of Opposite Action</a> by Laura Schenck, PhD</li></ul> For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/'>https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/</a> . You can also follow Leslie’s work on <a href='https://www.facebook.com/lesliecohenrubury'>Facebook</a>,  <a href='https://www.instagram.com/lesliecohenrubury/'>Instagram</a>, <a href='https://www.tiktok.com/@lesliecohenrubury'>TikTok</a> and <a href='https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVcszFgY4rjHqO6-sUA5PFw'>YouTube</a>. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by <a href='https://www.allettacooper.com/'>Alletta Cooper</a>, <a href='http://camilasalazar.org/'>Camila Salazar</a>, and <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/'>Leslie Cohen-Rubury</a>. Theme music is by <a href='https://www.premiumbeat.com/artist/l-ray-music'>L-Ray Music</a>. Graphics and Website Design by <a href='https://www.sabordesign.com/'>Brien O’Reilly</a>. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

<description>&lt;p&gt;This is the second mini bonus episode where we will focus on understanding shame. In this bonus episode we discuss the difference between shame and guilt, the beliefs and myths associated with shame and an effective skill to deal with shame. Shame was present in the third session with Sarah in its many forms.  Our children can feel shame even when we try very hard not to shame them.  As parents we can easily feel shame that we carry from our childhood or trying to do this job called parenting. And this list goes on.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Time Stamps&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;1:49 Defining Shame&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;2:22 Identifying some myths that go along with shame&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;“I am not good enough”&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;“I am bad”&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;“People are going to reject me”&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;“I’m broken”&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;2:32 Defining Guilt&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;4:00 Child can internalize shame through interpretations that they are doing &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;4:45 Overt Shaming - the “should” statements and other judgments &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;5:55 Myths are mistaken beliefs&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;7:30 When the shame is not justified or is not effective because of the duration of the feeling or the intensity of the feeling&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;7:55 Opposite Action&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;Identify the urge to hide which associated with feeling&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Act opposite to that urge - such as pick up your head, make eye contact, speak the feared item out loud&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Do it over and over again&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;12:35 Separate the behavior and the interpretations of that behavior&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;Check the facts&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Finding other interpretations &lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Doing opposite action&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Resources:  &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;MSNBC &lt;a href='https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/other/you-weren-t-born-hating-yourself-new-book-seeks-to-help-combat-self-loathing/vi-AA1yUFb5?ocid=winp_esports_hub'&gt;Video Clip talking about the New Book I Hate Myself&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href='https://www.ihatemyselfbook.com/'&gt;I Hate Myself: Overcoming Self-Hatred and Why You Are Wrong About Yourself By Dr. Blaise Aguirre Blaise,&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href='https://dbt.tools/_files/resources/homework/emotional-regulation_opposite-action.pdf?v=1.1'&gt;Opposite Action Skill from Dialectic Behavior Therapy&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href='https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/apply-opposite-action-to-guilt-and-shame'&gt;Article on Applying Opposite Action to Guilt and Shame&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href='https://jbws.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/10-Practical-Examples-of-Opposite-Action.pdf'&gt;10 Practical Examples of Opposite Action&lt;/a&gt; by Laura Schenck, PhD&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/'&gt;https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/&lt;/a&gt; . You can also follow Leslie’s work on &lt;a href='https://www.facebook.com/lesliecohenrubury'&gt;Facebook&lt;/a&gt;,  &lt;a href='https://www.instagram.com/lesliecohenrubury/'&gt;Instagram&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href='https://www.tiktok.com/@lesliecohenrubury'&gt;TikTok&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href='https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVcszFgY4rjHqO6-sUA5PFw'&gt;YouTube&lt;/a&gt;. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Credits:&lt;/b&gt; &lt;em&gt;Is My Child a Monster?&lt;/em&gt; is produced by &lt;a href='https://www.allettacooper.com/'&gt;Alletta Cooper&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href='http://camilasalazar.org/'&gt;Camila Salazar&lt;/a&gt;, and &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/'&gt;Leslie Cohen-Rubury&lt;/a&gt;. Theme music is by &lt;a href='https://www.premiumbeat.com/artist/l-ray-music'&gt;L-Ray Music&lt;/a&gt;. Graphics and Website Design by &lt;a href='https://www.sabordesign.com/'&gt;Brien O’Reilly&lt;/a&gt;. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

This is the second mini bonus episode where we will focus on understanding shame. In this bonus episode we discuss the difference between shame and guilt, the beliefs and myths associated with shame and an effective skill to deal with shame. Shame was present in the third session with Sarah in its many forms.  Our children can feel shame even when we try very hard not to shame them.  As parents we can easily feel shame that we carry from our childhood or trying to do this job called...

Bonus Episode:  Understanding Shame

Shame is a common emotion but a painful one as well.  In this episode we talk about shame and its many forms.  Children feel shame, parents feel shame and we can unintentionally pass down shame to our children. This is my third and final session with Sarah, a mom of two boys James, 12 yrs old and Noah 15 yrs old. Sarah and her husband are both ex-military and we discuss the impact of military life on mental health and how that impacts the family. It may be surprising to learn that in this episode I also talk sitting with emotions and about “embracing the struggle”.  Time Stamps3:43 Learning to sit with mistakes, learning to sit with emotions, learning to sit with discomfort.5:30 Being in the discomfort and in the unknown brings up anxiety5:50 Taking hold of your mind: Definition of Mindfulness6:05 Paced breathing turns off the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system - exhale twice as long as the inhale8:00 Mindfulness to current emotion skill - DBT skill <ul><li>This feeling is part of me, not all of me</li></ul>11:59 A child who is struggling with their emotions is not “losing”, its living!12:29 Get away from winning and losing language…all behavior is grist for the mill13:13 Embrace the struggles - accept myself first and then change to improve13:57 Trials of medications is tricky16:45 Pay attention to the context - the timing of your child’s challenging behavior<ul><li>Before starting a new school most kids get anxious even when they are excited</li><li>Observe and Describe or Notice and Name it</li><li>Use a rating scale about various aspects of the situation</li><li>Ask “what am I missing?” Look at the timing and the context of the situation</li></ul>21:08 Description of Emotion Mind (DBT skill) also described as a “ring of fire”22:30 Description of Wise Mind where you can begin to problem solving27:15 Distraction is an effective distress tolerance skill but be careful not to use it to avoid your emotions28:30 Walking the middle path29:48 Raising emotionally intelligent boys32:24 - 36:16  Being open about mental health struggles in the family reduces shame37:08 How much information do you share with children?38:03 There is a natural tendency for children to assume that “its their fault” when their parent is upset. Check in with your child!40:26 Explaining that adults are responsible for their own reactions43:12 Parents need to check in with their own shame “am I good enough”46:20 How your actions to be fully involved with your children can have unintended consequences of pushing away your child48:20 description of being an active listener so Children feel UNDERSTOOD49:49 Active listening means taking a non-judgmental stance as resist the urge to be the “fixer”51:00 Clarify the intention of a conversation - do you want to be heard or do you want advice? Leslie-ism: It&apos;s never too late to address the roots of your shame. Resources:  <ul><li>Leslie’s <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/ThreeStatesofMind.pdf'>Handout on Three States of Mind</a></li><li><a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/20213L1a_CopingSkills_Handout.pdf'>List of Distress Tolerance and Coping Skills</a></li><li>Richard Reeves: author of 2022 book<a href='https://richardvreeves.com/books/'> “Of Boys and Men: Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about it</a></li><li>Emotionally available boys - best of the men and boys are not alright Ezra Klien - <a href='https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/best-of-the-men-and-boys-are-not-alright/id1548604447?i=1000666761830'>https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/best-of-the-men-and-boys-are-not-alright/id1548604447?i=1000666761830</a>&amp;</li></ul>

<description>&lt;p&gt;Shame is a common emotion but a painful one as well.  In this episode we talk about shame and its many forms.  Children feel shame, parents feel shame and we can unintentionally pass down shame to our children. This is my third and final session with Sarah, a mom of two boys James, 12 yrs old and Noah 15 yrs old. Sarah and her husband are both ex-military and we discuss the impact of military life on mental health and how that impacts the family. It may be surprising to learn that in this episode I also talk sitting with emotions and about “embracing the struggle”. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Time Stamps&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;3:43 Learning to sit with mistakes, learning to sit with emotions, learning to sit with discomfort.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;5:30 Being in the discomfort and in the unknown brings up anxiety&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;5:50 Taking hold of your mind: Definition of Mindfulness&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;6:05 Paced breathing turns off the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system - exhale twice as long as the inhale&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;8:00 Mindfulness to current emotion skill - DBT skill &lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;This feeling is part of me, not all of me&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;11:59 A child who is struggling with their emotions is not “losing”, its living!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;12:29 Get away from winning and losing language…all behavior is grist for the mill&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;13:13 Embrace the struggles - accept myself first and then change to improve&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;13:57 Trials of medications is tricky&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;16:45 Pay attention to the context - the timing of your child’s challenging behavior&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;Before starting a new school most kids get anxious even when they are excited&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Observe and Describe or Notice and Name it&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Use a rating scale about various aspects of the situation&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Ask “what am I missing?” Look at the timing and the context of the situation&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;21:08 Description of Emotion Mind (DBT skill) also described as a “ring of fire”&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;22:30 Description of Wise Mind where you can begin to problem solving&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;27:15 Distraction is an effective distress tolerance skill but be careful not to use it to avoid your emotions&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;28:30 Walking the middle path&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;29:48 Raising emotionally intelligent boys&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;32:24 - 36:16  Being open about mental health struggles in the family reduces shame&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;37:08 How much information do you share with children?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;38:03 There is a natural tendency for children to assume that “its their fault” when their parent is upset. Check in with your child!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;40:26 Explaining that adults are responsible for their own reactions&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;43:12 Parents need to check in with their own shame “am I good enough”&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;46:20 How your actions to be fully involved with your children can have unintended consequences of pushing away your child&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;48:20 description of being an active listener so Children feel UNDERSTOOD&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;49:49 Active listening means taking a non-judgmental stance as resist the urge to be the “fixer”&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;51:00 Clarify the intention of a conversation - do you want to be heard or do you want advice?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Leslie-ism:&lt;/b&gt; It&amp;apos;s never too late to address the roots of your shame.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Resources:  &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;Leslie’s &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/ThreeStatesofMind.pdf'&gt;Handout on Three States of Mind&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/20213L1a_CopingSkills_Handout.pdf'&gt;List of Distress Tolerance and Coping Skills&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Richard Reeves: author of 2022 book&lt;a href='https://richardvreeves.com/books/'&gt; “Of Boys and Men: Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about it&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Emotionally available boys - best of the men and boys are not alright Ezra Klien - &lt;a href='https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/best-of-the-men-and-boys-are-not-alright/id1548604447?i=1000666761830'&gt;https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/best-of-the-men-and-boys-are-not-alright/id1548604447?i=1000666761830&lt;/a&gt;&amp;amp;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;</description>

Shame is a common emotion but a painful one as well.  In this episode we talk about shame and its many forms.  Children feel shame, parents feel shame and we can unintentionally pass down shame to our children. This is my third and final session with Sarah, a mom of two boys James, 12 yrs old and Noah 15 yrs old. Sarah and her husband are both ex-military and we discuss the impact of military life on mental health and how that impacts the family. It may be surprising to learn that i...

Sarah Part 3 of 3: When Parents and Kids Feel Shame

Kids are not the only ones who are controlling and trying to get what they want. As parents we do the same thing.  We really want what we want and we act in controlling ways to achieve those ends. This is the second session with Sarah, mother of 2 boys, 12 year old James and 15 year old Noah where we explore topics, including when one sibling tries to parent the other, when children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, how to let our kids make mistakes and how to be a less controlling parent. Time Stamps4:55  Words with strong negative connotation - Negotiation, control and dictating - 5:35 reframed as giving our child personal power with a voice and agency.  This is respect if you change your perspective 6:15 Finding the middle ground vs Finding a synthesis7:04 When your child likes to negotiate…let them have the last word7:10-13:40  Role play - A one way conversation vs a two way conversation<ul><li>One way conversation works when the child is likely to be dysregulated</li><li>Two way conversation works when we both want to share our ideas and perspectives</li></ul>13:32 Sometimes we need to accept that our child is going to have their big emotions15:50 Validation and reflect back and appreciate the positive in your child’s behavior<ul><li>Parents often miss when a child is being respectful</li></ul>19:35 When the child worries about disappointing the parent and acts like a “good kid” to prevent you from getting upset. This is how a child tries to take care of the parent21:40 Children often worry more about their parents being upset than the sibling being dysregulated<ul><li>22:14 Assume that your child may be carrying a burden and ask them directly if that may be true </li></ul>24: 50 Role play with validation27:08 When someone escalates, they probably feel invalidated. <ul><li>Validate in order de-escalate the child’s emotions</li></ul>28:15  Keep it short and sweet.  Say LESS - listen twice as much as we speak32:00 If you say or do something that you are not happy with, own it. Own your own reactions and ask for a redo33:59 The antidote to controlling your child is to practice acceptance of the moment35:49 Sarah’s own advice “in the uncomfortable is where we learn36:11 Learning to be less controlling is letting your our children make mistakes or have their feelings Resources:  Leslei’s <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/DialecticalDilemmas.pdf'>Handout on a Dialectic Synthesis</a>Leslie’s <a href='https://youtube.com/shorts/-12o6WOqLb4'>Video on Listening to Your Own Advice</a> Leslie-ism: “In the uncomfortable is where we learn” by Sarah For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/'>https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/</a> . You can also follow Leslie’s work on <a href='https://www.facebook.com/lesliecohenrubury'>Facebook</a>,  <a href='https://www.instagram.com/lesliecohenrubury/'>Instagram</a>, <a href='https://www.tiktok.com/@lesliecohenrubury'>TikTok</a> and <a href='https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVcszFgY4rjHqO6-sUA5PFw'>YouTube</a>. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by <a href='https://www.allettacooper.com/'>Alletta Cooper</a>, <a href='http://camilasalazar.org/'>Camila Salazar</a>, and <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/'>Leslie Cohen-Rubury</a>. Theme music is by <a href='https://www.premiumbeat.com/artist/l-ray-music'>L-Ray Music</a>. Graphics and Website Design by <a href='https://www.sabordesign.com/'>Brien O’Reilly</a>. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support

<description>&lt;p&gt;Kids are not the only ones who are controlling and trying to get what they want. As parents we do the same thing.  We really want what we want and we act in controlling ways to achieve those ends. This is the second session with Sarah, mother of 2 boys, 12 year old James and 15 year old Noah where we explore topics, including when one sibling tries to parent the other, when children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, how to let our kids make mistakes and how to be a less controlling parent. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Time Stamps&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;4:55  Words with strong negative connotation - Negotiation, control and dictating - 5:35 reframed as giving our child personal power with a voice and agency.  This is respect if you change your perspective &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;6:15 Finding the middle ground vs Finding a synthesis&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;7:04 When your child likes to negotiate…let them have the last word&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;7:10-13:40  Role play - A one way conversation vs a two way conversation&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;One way conversation works when the child is likely to be dysregulated&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Two way conversation works when we both want to share our ideas and perspectives&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;13:32 Sometimes we need to accept that our child is going to have their big emotions&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;15:50 Validation and reflect back and appreciate the positive in your child’s behavior&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;Parents often miss when a child is being respectful&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;19:35 When the child worries about disappointing the parent and acts like a “good kid” to prevent you from getting upset. This is how a child tries to take care of the parent&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;21:40 Children often worry more about their parents being upset than the sibling being dysregulated&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;22:14 Assume that your child may be carrying a burden and ask them directly if that may be true &lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;24: 50 Role play with validation&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;27:08 When someone escalates, they probably feel invalidated. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;Validate in order de-escalate the child’s emotions&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;p&gt;28:15  Keep it short and sweet.  Say LESS - listen twice as much as we speak&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;32:00 If you say or do something that you are not happy with, own it. Own your own reactions and ask for a redo&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;33:59 The antidote to controlling your child is to practice acceptance of the moment&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;35:49 Sarah’s own advice “in the uncomfortable is where we learn&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;36:11 Learning to be less controlling is letting your our children make mistakes or have their feelings&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Resources:  &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Leslei’s &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/DialecticalDilemmas.pdf'&gt;Handout on a Dialectic Synthesis&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Leslie’s &lt;a href='https://youtube.com/shorts/-12o6WOqLb4'&gt;Video on Listening to Your Own Advice&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Leslie-ism: “In the uncomfortable is where we learn” by Sarah&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/'&gt;https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/&lt;/a&gt; . You can also follow Leslie’s work on &lt;a href='https://www.facebook.com/lesliecohenrubury'&gt;Facebook&lt;/a&gt;,  &lt;a href='https://www.instagram.com/lesliecohenrubury/'&gt;Instagram&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href='https://www.tiktok.com/@lesliecohenrubury'&gt;TikTok&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href='https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVcszFgY4rjHqO6-sUA5PFw'&gt;YouTube&lt;/a&gt;. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Credits:&lt;/b&gt; &lt;em&gt;Is My Child a Monster?&lt;/em&gt; is produced by &lt;a href='https://www.allettacooper.com/'&gt;Alletta Cooper&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href='http://camilasalazar.org/'&gt;Camila Salazar&lt;/a&gt;, and &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/'&gt;Leslie Cohen-Rubury&lt;/a&gt;. Theme music is by &lt;a href='https://www.premiumbeat.com/artist/l-ray-music'&gt;L-Ray Music&lt;/a&gt;. Graphics and Website Design by &lt;a href='https://www.sabordesign.com/'&gt;Brien O’Reilly&lt;/a&gt;. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support &lt;/p&gt;</description>

Kids are not the only ones who are controlling and trying to get what they want. As parents we do the same thing.  We really want what we want and we act in controlling ways to achieve those ends. This is the second session with Sarah, mother of 2 boys, 12 year old James and 15 year old Noah where we explore topics, including when one sibling tries to parent the other, when children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, how to let our kids make mistakes and how to be a less contr...

Sarah Part 2 of 3: When Parents Struggle with Control

Welcome to the first mini-bonus episode where I focus on one or two key concepts or skills in a conversation with my producer Alletta Cooper. Every once in a while we will add one of these bonus episodes to further explain a concept/skill that came up in the previous session.   In this episode I explore and explain what the parent-child fit is and why it is so important.  In parenting, there are often conflicting needs and wants. Navigating these dilemmas and finding solutions is critical for creating a validating environment which fosters a &quot;good&quot; parent-child fit. Time Stamps1:48 Defining the parent-child fit 3:21 The “goodness” of fit vs the “poor” fit4:03 Creating a safe environment for the child to feel safe, feel capable, feel seen4:45 Balancing between accepting your child vs changing your child6:34 Figuring out what works to validate everyone’s needs6:44 Respect = creating a validating environment6:58 An example of unintentionally creating an invalidating environment8:30 A dialectic dilemma is the tension between expectations or needs8:40 The synthesis is the solution to the dilemma9:10 Name it for the child that they may be different but not bad!10:38 Asking parents to open their eyes to ALL of their children, not just the child with the disruptive behaviors11:57 - 16:08  Steps to create a good parent-child fit<ol><li>This is called the bio-social fit - a transactional model<ol><li>Look at biological make up your child</li><li>Look at the environment (the parent, the teacher, the classroom)</li></ol></li><li>Acknowledge the differences without judgement<ol><li>Validate, validate, validate</li></ol></li><li>Use flexible thinking  and problem-solving including Brainstorming</li><li>Balance between acceptance and change <ol><li>Be creative in your solutions</li></ol></li><li>Respect, connect and collaborate with your child</li></ol> Resources:  Leslie’s <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/The-Importance-of-the-Parent-Child-Fit.pdf'>Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit</a> Leslie-ism: Remember to respect, connect and collaborate with your child For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/'>https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/</a> . You can also follow Leslie’s work on <a href='https://www.facebook.com/lesliecohenrubury'>Facebook</a>,  <a href='https://www.instagram.com/lesliecohenrubury/'>Instagram</a>, <a href='https://www.tiktok.com/@lesliecohenrubury'>TikTok</a> and <a href='https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVcszFgY4rjHqO6-sUA5PFw'>YouTube</a>. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by <a href='https://www.allettacooper.com/'>Alletta Cooper</a>, <a href='http://camilasalazar.org/'>Camila Salazar</a>, and <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/'>Leslie Cohen-Rubury</a>. Theme music is by <a href='https://www.premiumbeat.com/artist/l-ray-music'>L-Ray Music</a>. Graphics and Website Design by <a href='https://www.sabordesign.com/'>Brien O’Reilly</a>. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

<description>&lt;p&gt;Welcome to the first mini-bonus episode where I focus on one or two key concepts or skills in a conversation with my producer Alletta Cooper. Every once in a while we will add one of these bonus episodes to further explain a concept/skill that came up in the previous session.   In this episode I explore and explain what the parent-child fit is and why it is so important.  In parenting, there are often conflicting needs and wants. Navigating these dilemmas and finding solutions is critical for creating a validating environment which fosters a &amp;quot;good&amp;quot; parent-child fit.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Time Stamps&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;1:48 Defining the parent-child fit &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;3:21 The “goodness” of fit vs the “poor” fit&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;4:03 Creating a safe environment for the child to feel safe, feel capable, feel seen&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;4:45 Balancing between accepting your child vs changing your child&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;6:34 Figuring out what works to validate everyone’s needs&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;6:44 Respect = creating a validating environment&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;6:58 An example of unintentionally creating an invalidating environment&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;8:30 A dialectic dilemma is the tension between expectations or needs&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;8:40 The synthesis is the solution to the dilemma&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;9:10 Name it for the child that they may be different but not bad!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;10:38 Asking parents to open their eyes to &lt;em&gt;ALL&lt;/em&gt; of their children, not just the child with the disruptive behaviors&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;11:57 - 16:08  Steps to create a good parent-child fit&lt;/p&gt;&lt;ol&gt;&lt;li&gt;This is called the bio-social fit - a transactional model&lt;ol&gt;&lt;li&gt;Look at biological make up your child&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Look at the environment (the parent, the teacher, the classroom)&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge the differences without judgement&lt;ol&gt;&lt;li&gt;Validate, validate, validate&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Use flexible thinking  and problem-solving including Brainstorming&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Balance between acceptance and change &lt;ol&gt;&lt;li&gt;Be creative in your solutions&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&lt;li&gt;Respect, connect and collaborate with your child&lt;/li&gt;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Resources:  &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Leslie’s &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/The-Importance-of-the-Parent-Child-Fit.pdf'&gt;Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;b&gt;Leslie-ism:&lt;/b&gt; Remember to respect, connect and collaborate with your child&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/'&gt;https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/&lt;/a&gt; . You can also follow Leslie’s work on &lt;a href='https://www.facebook.com/lesliecohenrubury'&gt;Facebook&lt;/a&gt;,  &lt;a href='https://www.instagram.com/lesliecohenrubury/'&gt;Instagram&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href='https://www.tiktok.com/@lesliecohenrubury'&gt;TikTok&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href='https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVcszFgY4rjHqO6-sUA5PFw'&gt;YouTube&lt;/a&gt;. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Credits: &lt;em&gt;Is My Child a Monster?&lt;/em&gt; is produced by &lt;a href='https://www.allettacooper.com/'&gt;Alletta Cooper&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href='http://camilasalazar.org/'&gt;Camila Salazar&lt;/a&gt;, and &lt;a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/'&gt;Leslie Cohen-Rubury&lt;/a&gt;. Theme music is by &lt;a href='https://www.premiumbeat.com/artist/l-ray-music'&gt;L-Ray Music&lt;/a&gt;. Graphics and Website Design by &lt;a href='https://www.sabordesign.com/'&gt;Brien O’Reilly&lt;/a&gt;. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.&lt;/p&gt;</description>

Welcome to the first mini-bonus episode where I focus on one or two key concepts or skills in a conversation with my producer Alletta Cooper. Every once in a while we will add one of these bonus episodes to further explain a concept/skill that came up in the previous session.   In this episode I explore and explain what the parent-child fit is and why it is so important.  In parenting, there are often conflicting needs and wants. Navigating these dilemmas and finding solutions is cr...

Bonus Episode: Understanding Why a Good Parent-Child Fit Matters

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