<p>The Balcony View Audio Article- 12/08/2023</p><p>On Relationship with the Body. Part 2: Identity & the Body</p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://balconyview.substack.com/p/on-relationship-with-the-body-part-2">https://balconyview.substack.com/p/on-relationship-with-the-body-part-2</a></p><p><em>Hi Everyone,</em></p><p><em>Over the last week, I moved house and hit 30 weeks pregnant with twins. This is alongside launching a programme for the US Air Force at eight bases across Europe with my company Team Triad and recording Season 5 of the Relationship Matters Podcast, which will go live in September. The over-ambitious part of me believed writing an article (or two) during this time was a reasonable target. Life, on the other hand, had other plans. So, whilst I began writing this article over a month ago, my experiences from the past few weeks and acknowledgement of what my body can and can't do right now have shaped what you're reading. Discovering flexibility in our abilities feels vital to finding balance in the changing tides of our lives. To quote Byron Katie:</em></p><p><em>"If you want real control, drop the illusion of control; let life have you. It does anyway. You're just telling yourself the story of how it doesn't."</em></p><p><em>Katie x</em></p><p>In <a target="_blank" href="https://balconyview.substack.com/p/on-relationship-with-the-body-1">Part 1</a>, I discussed the mind body battle many of us find ourselves in and my ongoing journey to feel connected and aligned with my body. In this article, I continue my exploration by considering the link between identity and the body. When our bodies undergo significant change, it can act as a mirror, causing us to re-examine who we believe we are in the world. And whilst this article primarily uses examples from my life, I encourage you to examine how your sense of self lives in your body. Instead of wishing for what is lost or has never been, how can we meet the body we wake up with today?</p><p><strong>The Body Project</strong></p><p>Last year, I co-created a podcast series called <a target="_blank" href="https://relationshipmatters.buzzsprout.com/989806/10672368-conversations-on-cancer-trailer">Conversations on Cancer</a> with co-founder of CRR Global Faith Fuller after she discovered she has stage 4 uterine cancer. Across the 6-part mini-series, we interviewed cancer patients and their caregivers on what it means to find right relationship with a life-threatening illness. Throughout the conversations, a theme emerged: cancer acted as a mirror revealing who they believed themselves to be. This was often an uncomfortable yet powerful reflection to face up to. For Faith, her chemotherapy caused her to become more forgetful and less sharp. As a psychologist, who has spent much of her life identifying with her witty intelligence, this wasn't an easy reality to face up to. Yet, it made her keenly aware of how she identifies in the world. Other people on the podcast spoke about how losing their hair, or a body part, changed how they saw themselves in the world. In one particularly courageous <a target="_blank" href="https://relationshipmatters.buzzsprout.com/989806/10532768-conversations-on-cancer-ep-4-right-relationship-with-prostate-cancer-male-identity">account</a>, a guest revealed how prostate cancer had altered his sense of masculinity and sexual identity due to the side effects of his treatments.</p><p>These powerful conversations had me questioning the identity I have constructed for myself. There are certain qualities that I identify with; that I hold as me. Yet, as with everything, these qualities are in a constant state of emergence and can be impacted by our changing bodies in both small and significant ways. So, the "who am I?" inquiry is really more of a process than a product, in which we continually define who we are for ourselves and other people.</p><p><strong>Another side of self</strong></p><p>As mentioned in <a target="_blank" href="https://balconyview.substack.com/p/on-relationship-with-the-body-1">Part 1</a>, I underwent several knee surgeries in my mid-20s that forced me to slow down. Initially, it felt like someone had pulled the emergency brake on my life, which was a jarring and uncomfortable reality to face up to. I distinctly remember a phone call with a colleague (taken from my sofa with my left leg elevated and iced) where I responded to: "<em>How have you been?"</em> with "<em>Oh, you know, busy</em>." Now my life had been many things in the aftermath of surgery, but being busy was not one of them.</p><p>Suddenly, I became acutely aware of how identified I was with 'busyness.' It was a part of how I saw myself in the world. And when I dug a little deeper, I discovered that I conflated busyness with being successful. So, if I wasn't busy, what did that make me? My body was working miracles, using transplanted stem cells from my hips to build new cartilage in my knees. Yet, because I wasn't power walking around London from meeting to meeting, I was, by my own definition, unsuccessful.</p><p>Of course, the busy narrative doesn't just belong to me. Society celebrates busyness and overachieving, which to a certain extent, shapes how we see ourselves in the world. This became particularly apparent when living in the USA. Many friends and colleagues would talk of their "busyness", and whilst, for many of them, there was a truth to this, busyness wasn't all that they were. So, I relished responding to variations of the "How have you been" question in surprising and unexpected ways. For example:</p><p>Me: <em>"How has your week been?"</em></p><p>Friend: <em>"Oh, so busy. I’ve swamped at work at the moment. You?"</em></p><p>Me: <em>"Really well, thank you. I had the time for a bath yesterday, which was wonderful!" </em></p><p>Having the time to take a bath felt like an important variation of the success narrative that I proudly decided to own.</p><p>In recovery from multiple surgeries, my body provided me with a mirror for my own sense of success that I had unconsciously fashioned for myself. And with this newfound awareness, I could reimagine my relationship with busyness. So that when I stepped back into my life, I would no longer feel uneasy or guilty if I had a quiet day. In fact, downtime is something I not only celebrate but actively long for in my life. Finding space and time for myself each week is essential to my success equation.</p><p><strong>How am I strong?</strong></p><p>Pregnancy has provided another fascinating mirror for my sense of self. I like to think of myself as an active and energised person. Throughout my pregnancy, I've been working hard to hold onto this sense of self: working out with a personal trainer twice a week and walking daily. However, the third trimester is proving to be a different beast: it turns out that growing two babies uses a lot of energy (and even tying my shoelaces is a daily challenge!) Even still, I find myself cringing on the train when some kind person offers me their seat. And there have even been occasions where I've said, "<em>I'm fine, thanks",</em> even though I've been desperate to sit!</p><p>It's like I'm trying to prove a point. To whom, I'm not so sure.</p><p>So once again, I did some digging. I got curious about my response and noticed that the word 'strong' kept showing up. I like people to perceive me as strong. Yet, I noticed that my definition of strength was extremely narrow. Rationally, I know that for me building two babies requires much more strength than standing up on the train for three stops. Yet, emotionally, I felt 'less than' when I needed help.</p><p>Once again, my body has been a valuable mirror, revealing this blind spot and bias to me. I wasn’t respecting the strength of my pregnant body, which is different from, say, the 100-mile bike ride I completed last year, yet is still powerful and impressive in its own right.</p><p>So, I'm learning to lean into my body's diverse range of strengths, which I know will continue to evolve and change as I journey through this life. Age, illness, and my roles will undoubtedly impact the kind of strength I need- or am able- to step into. And just because it doesn't fit my current definition of strength, it doesn't mean I’m weak. Before pregnancy, I felt strong after hitting a 5km PB of 21:51. Now, at 30 weeks pregnant with twins, I feel strong when I place trust in my body and give it what it needs, which may mean going for a walk but more often than not means taking an afternoon nap!</p><p><strong>Self-Reflection</strong></p><p>Our bodies offer us a window to our innermost thoughts and beliefs. And from my experience, when the body is going through significant change, these reflections can provide provocative and humbling lessons that can help us to better understand ourselves. It reminds me of the Zen proverb, “<em>Obstacles do not block the path. They are the path.”</em> How might the physical change or challenge that you are facing right now be a path for self-discovery?</p> <br/><br/>Get full access to The Balcony View at <a href="https://balconyview.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4">balconyview.substack.com/subscribe</a>
