Sit Around the Fire

Have you ever finally had a chance to rest, only to realize you could not actually relax? Your body may be sitting still, but your mind is making lists, scanning for what needs to be done, and reminding you of all the ways you could be more productive. You are resting, but you are not at rest. In this solo episode, Ashlea explores why slowing down can feel so uncomfortable, especially for those of us who have spent years being the strong one, the dependable one, or the person who keeps everything moving. She talks about the old programming that teaches us to earn our rest, the nervous system patterns that keep us braced for the next problem, and what happens when productivity becomes part of our identity. This conversation is an invitation to look beneath the guilt and become curious about the message underneath it. Rest is not a reward for reaching the end of your list. It is not something you have to prove you deserve. It is part of being human, staying connected to yourself, and remembering that your worth was never dependent on how much you could carry. Friends, take your foot off the gas for a moment. Relax, breathe, and be curious. You are allowed to rest before you collapse.

What if resilience is not about being tougher, pushing harder, or pretending that difficult things do not affect you? What if resilience is actually a collection of skills that can be learned, practiced, and strengthened? In this episode of Sit Around the Fire, Ashlea sits down with Dr. Rose Aghdami, coaching psychologist, resilience specialist, and author of How to FUEL Your Resilience, to explore what it really means to become more resilient. Dr. Rose introduces her practical FUEL Your Resilience framework and explains how flexibility, the use of resources, energy, and an internal locus of control can help us respond more effectively to life’s challenges. Together, Ashlea and Dr. Rose talk about the patterns that often make resilience more difficult, including perfectionism, emotional avoidance, rigid thinking, unrealistic expectations, and the pressure to maintain control. They also discuss why accepting our emotions does not mean allowing those emotions to control us, how vulnerability can become a source of strength, and why “good enough” may be one of the most freeing phrases a high-achieving person can learn. In this episode, you will learn: • Why resilience is a learnable skill rather than a fixed personality trait • The four elements of the FUEL Your Resilience framework • How flexibility helps us navigate uncertainty and change • Why using available resources is a strength, not a weakness • How perfectionism and rigid thinking can undermine resilience • The difference between experiencing a feeling and treating it as a fact • How to develop a stronger internal locus of control • Why self-compassion and consistent practice matter • How resilient people create a fuller, calmer, and more meaningful life • Why strengthening yourself allows you to support others more effectively This conversation is especially valuable for high-functioning adults, leaders, helpers, professionals, and anyone who appears capable on the outside but often feels overwhelmed, anxious, or depleted internally. You do not have to become unaffected by life to become resilient. You can learn how to recognize what you are feeling, respond with greater intention, use the resources available to you, and trust yourself to handle what comes next. ABOUT DR. ROSE AGHDAMI Dr. Rose Aghdami is a coaching psychologist, resilience specialist, supervisor, trainer, international speaker, and the author of How to FUEL Your Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Resilience Skills for Professionals. Through her FUEL Your Resilience framework, she helps high-performing professionals develop practical resilience skills so they can respond to pressure, change, and uncertainty with greater confidence, flexibility, and self-awareness. RESOURCES AND GUEST LINKS Learn more about Dr. Rose Aghdami: https://www.drroseaghdami.com Connect with Dr. Rose on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/roseaghdami Purchase How to FUEL Your Resilience: https://www.amazon.com/How-FUEL-your-Resilience-Professionals/dp/1041062591

So many people believe they need to be fully healed before they can be in a relationship. But what if that belief is actually keeping us isolated? In this episode of Sit Around the Fire, Ashlea Dillard explores why relationships are not just something we enter after healing — they are often one of the places healing actually happens. Drawing from psychodynamic theory, Jungian psychology, attachment theory, object relations theory, and humanistic psychology, Ashlea breaks down how relationships reveal unconscious patterns, activate old wounds, mirror hidden parts of ourselves, and give the nervous system new experiences of safety, repair, and connection. This episode is not about staying in unsafe or harmful relationships. It is about understanding the difference between being activated and being harmed, and recognizing that safe-enough relationships can become powerful spaces for growth, awareness, and healing. You do not have to be perfect to be loved. You are allowed to be loved while you are still learning.

What does it actually take to go from survival mode to a settled nervous system? In this episode, I sit down with Mark Blacknell — who grew up navigating a tough childhood in Philadelphia, served in the Marines, and found his way to meditation and a life built around balance. This conversation is for anyone who's ever thought meditation "isn't for them," or tried it once, white-knuckled through 30 minutes, and quit. Mark breaks it all the way down: start small, build slow, and stop chasing some far-off enlightenment. Because as he puts it, enlightenment is just acting naturally. We get into Mark's story from Philly to the Marines, how nature and meditation cracked something open for him, what it looks like to bring this practice into a real community, and why balance — not perfection — is the whole point. You're not broken. You've been programmed. And practices like these are how you start living from the future forward. In this episode: Mark's childhood and military background, and what set the stage for change How nature and meditation became a turning point Practical, beginner-friendly meditation techniques (no incense required) Why "balance is life, like the sun and earth" Meditation as a lifestyle — not a 30-minute chore What death and the present moment taught Mark about being alive Chapters: 00:00 Introduction to Authentic Conversations 01:41 Creating a Safe Space for Discussion 03:12 Mark's Journey: From Philly to the Marines 09:29 Transformation Through Nature and Meditation 15:48 The Impact of Meditation on Life 22:50 Bringing Meditation to the Community 29:45 Understanding Meditation: A Practical Approach 31:04 The Interconnection of Life and Spirituality 32:48 Meditation: Starting Small and Building Up 36:16 The Journey of Meditation: Expectations and Realizations 38:41 Understanding Enlightenment and Authenticity 41:08 Balance in Life: The Art of Meditation 45:09 Life as a Continuous Practice of Meditation 48:13 Appreciating the Present: Lessons from Life and Death Resources mentioned: StareAtTheWall.org → https://stareatthewall.org Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki → https://www.amazon.com/dp/0804814804 The Tassajara Bread Book by Edward Espe Brown → https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00A4U4V4Q Connect with Mark: Website → https://stareatthewall.org 🔥 Listen, subscribe, and sit around the fire with us: sitaroundthefire.org ashleadillard.com

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Ashlea. She was good at everything, she was the one who kept everyone okay, and from the outside she looked like she had it all figured out. She was also exhausted all the time and had no idea who she actually was. In this solo episode, I'm telling that story — mine, and maybe yours too — and unpacking the two survival patterns that ran my life for a long time: perfectionism and people pleasing. We're not treating these like bad habits you need more discipline to break. We're looking at them the way they actually work: as nervous system strategies your body learned to keep you safe. We get into perfectionism as a flight response — the foot-on-the-gas, plan-for-everything, control-it-all way of trying to outrun threat — and why it leaves you frozen and exhausted at the same time. Then we get into people pleasing as the fawn response: the gazelle who pours tea for the lion to make the threat go away, and the quiet, devastating cost of that — the masks, the lost preferences, the disappearing self. And then we turn toward the way out. Because here's the thing you've heard me say before, and I'll keep saying it: you're not broken. You've been programmed. And programming can be rewritten. What we cover Why your nervous system is a prediction machine — and how the "what-ifs" are a survival system doing its job Perfectionism as flight: control as a strategy to make the world feel safe Why perfectionism keeps you stuck, indecisive, and exhausted with your foot on the gas Why a small mistake can feel like an identity-level emergency People pleasing as fawn: befriending the threat instead of fighting or fleeing it The real cost of people pleasing — the loss of self, the masks, not knowing what you even like How these patterns get wired early, before we have language or choice Why we keep recreating the exact situations and relationships that reinforce them The turn: thanking the pattern, sending your nervous system the memo, and living from the future forward Campfire reflection for this week Where in your life are you still running a strategy that you don't need anymore? Tiny experiment: pick one low-stakes place this week and let it be imperfect on purpose, or let yourself have the unpopular preference. Then notice that you survived it. That's a rep. Connect & go deeper Nervous system work, hypnotherapy, and coaching: ashleadillard.com More episodes and resources: sitaroundthefire.org Share this episode with someone who's always been "the strong one."