<description>&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Three Key Learning Points&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;* The worst thing you can do is ask them to analyse what went wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;* The car ride home is not the time to coach - even if you ARE a coach.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;* What they need most in that moment is unconditional love and acceptance.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This post is ostensibly for swimming parents but it’s a good one for coaches too - because part of your job is educating the parents in your program on how to handle the big moments.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;So here’s the scenario. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your child has gone to a big meet. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;New goggles. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;New bag. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Everyone’s been excited about the Meet for weeks. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;But, for whatever reason, their swimming performances didn’t meet their own expectations or yours or the coach’s. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Now you’re in the car on the way home. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;They’re quiet in the back. Maybe headphones on. Maybe gaming. Maybe just staring out the window.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;There’s that silence that we as parents all know so very very well.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And as a parent you’re thinking: &lt;em&gt;“I’ve got to say something. I love them. I can’t bear to see them like this.”&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;This is one of the most critical swimming parent moments you’ll ever experience. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let me walk you through what NOT to say and suggest what you &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; say and do that might actually help.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don’t ask them to analyse what went wrong:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The absolute worst thing you can say is this: &lt;em&gt;“Gee, I thought you’d swim a lot faster darling. What do you think went wrong?”&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;They know they didn’t swim fast. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Their coach has already spoken to them about it. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;They’ve seen their split times. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Their teammates have already told them. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;A competitor or two probably had a go at them. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;They’ve been beating themselves up since they touched the wall.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;They do not need YOU - the person they love most - asking them to dwell on it a little more!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don’t try to coach them:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;“I was watching your backstroke today. You really need to throw your arms more. Push off faster. Kick harder in and out of the turn.”&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don’t do it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;You’re not their coach. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And even if you ARE their coach - in that car, in that moment, you’re not. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;You’re their parent. That’s the only role that matters in that car in that moment.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don’t compare them to other kids:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;“Gee, Susie went really well today. Susie was so fast. You normally beat Susie.”&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another massive NO! &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Comparing your child to other kids in that moment just makes them feel smaller and worse. Don’t go there.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;So what CAN you do?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First - say nothing. &lt;/strong&gt;If they’re in their mid-teens especially they’ll come to you when or if they’re ready. Pushing things only makes them withdraw further.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second - divert.&lt;/strong&gt; “&lt;em&gt;Hey, on the way home I thought we might grab some takeaway. What do you think?”&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give them something small and joyful to think about that’s not related to swimming. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Take the spotlight off the meet for a minute. They don’t have to be sitting in the back hitting themselves over the head with a brick the whole drive.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third - share something positive about YOU.&lt;/strong&gt; “&lt;em&gt;You know what - I really enjoy going to swim meets. I just love watching.”&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell them something that makes it not all about them and their performance.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The bigger picture:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I’ve been through this hundreds of times with sporting parents - not just with swimming but with football, rugby, tennis, basketball, rowing, gymnastics: every parent at some time will experience the car ride home after a sporting event.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The car ride home is far more important than most parents realise. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Get it wrong and you create more stress, more frustration, more sadness. You make it harder for the kid to come out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;But get it right and it’s a chance to demonstrate something extraordinary - &lt;strong&gt;unconditional love&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Whether they won nine gold medals and broke records, or got disqualified and missed their entry time - love them. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Cuddle them. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell them they’re amazing. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Show them they’re valued for &lt;strong&gt;who they are&lt;/strong&gt; not what they swam.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they have you as their “rock” - i.e. &lt;strong&gt;the certainty that you love them whether they win or lose&lt;/strong&gt; - then they have the stable foundation to come back, recover, learn and grow. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;They always do.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Summary:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The car ride home is one of the most important moments in your child’s sporting life.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don’t analyse. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don’t coach. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don’t compare. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Stay quiet, divert if needed, share something positive about yourself and above everything else - &lt;strong&gt;love them unconditionally. &lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;That’s the rock they will build the rest of their sporting career - and indeed the rest of their lives upon.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Three Practical Applications For Your Coaching:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;* &lt;strong&gt;Educate Your Parents:&lt;/strong&gt; Run a short parent workshop on the topic of the car ride home. Five minutes at a parent meeting could change dozens of swimmer experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;* &lt;strong&gt;Hand Out the “&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;What Not To Say”&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;strong&gt;:&lt;/strong&gt; Give parents a printable one-pager with the “three things not to say after a tough meet”. Make it easy for them to remember.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;* &lt;strong&gt;Model It Yourself:&lt;/strong&gt; Coaches - the first conversation after a tough swim matters too. Same rules apply. Don’t pile on. Don’t analyse in the moment. The deep debrief can wait until the next training session.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;This is Wayne Goldsmith for &lt;strong&gt;Swimming Gold&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Check out my new SPORTING PARENTS COURSE https://coachwayne.gumroad.com/l/raisingathletes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;RAISING ATHLETES - &lt;/strong&gt;The Sporting Parent’s Guide to Getting It Right.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;You not only get a unique learning experience with videos and study guides but you get a free copy of my book&lt;strong&gt; THE TALENT MYTH - WHY CHARACTER BEATS GENETICS EVERYTIME!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And use this CODE &lt;strong&gt;PARENTS2026ST&lt;/strong&gt; at checkout to receive 25% off the price!&lt;/p&gt; &lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit &lt;a href="https://swimminggold.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&amp;#38;utm_campaign=CTA_2"&gt;swimminggold.substack.com/subscribe&lt;/a&gt;</description>

SWIMMING GOLD

Wayne Goldsmith

The Car Ride Home!

MAY 21, 20265 MIN
SWIMMING GOLD

The Car Ride Home!

MAY 21, 20265 MIN

Description

<p><strong>Three Key Learning Points</strong></p><p>* The worst thing you can do is ask them to analyse what went wrong.</p><p>* The car ride home is not the time to coach - even if you ARE a coach.</p><p>* What they need most in that moment is unconditional love and acceptance.</p><p><em>This post is ostensibly for swimming parents but it’s a good one for coaches too - because part of your job is educating the parents in your program on how to handle the big moments.</em></p><p>So here’s the scenario. </p><p>Your child has gone to a big meet. </p><p>New goggles. </p><p>New bag. </p><p>Everyone’s been excited about the Meet for weeks. </p><p>But, for whatever reason, their swimming performances didn’t meet their own expectations or yours or the coach’s. </p><p>Now you’re in the car on the way home. </p><p>They’re quiet in the back. Maybe headphones on. Maybe gaming. Maybe just staring out the window.</p><p>There’s that silence that we as parents all know so very very well.</p><p>And as a parent you’re thinking: <em>“I’ve got to say something. I love them. I can’t bear to see them like this.”</em></p><p>This is one of the most critical swimming parent moments you’ll ever experience. </p><p>Let me walk you through what NOT to say and suggest what you <strong>can</strong> say and do that might actually help.</p><p>Don’t ask them to analyse what went wrong:</p><p>The absolute worst thing you can say is this: <em>“Gee, I thought you’d swim a lot faster darling. What do you think went wrong?”</em></p><p>They know they didn’t swim fast. </p><p>Their coach has already spoken to them about it. </p><p>They’ve seen their split times. </p><p>Their teammates have already told them. </p><p>A competitor or two probably had a go at them. </p><p>They’ve been beating themselves up since they touched the wall.</p><p>They do not need YOU - the person they love most - asking them to dwell on it a little more!</p><p>Don’t try to coach them:</p><p><em>“I was watching your backstroke today. You really need to throw your arms more. Push off faster. Kick harder in and out of the turn.”</em></p><p><strong>Don’t do it.</strong></p><p>You’re not their coach. </p><p>And even if you ARE their coach - in that car, in that moment, you’re not. </p><p>You’re their parent. That’s the only role that matters in that car in that moment.</p><p>Don’t compare them to other kids:</p><p><em>“Gee, Susie went really well today. Susie was so fast. You normally beat Susie.”</em></p><p>Another massive NO! </p><p>Comparing your child to other kids in that moment just makes them feel smaller and worse. Don’t go there.</p><p>So what CAN you do?</p><p><strong>First - say nothing. </strong>If they’re in their mid-teens especially they’ll come to you when or if they’re ready. Pushing things only makes them withdraw further.</p><p><strong>Second - divert.</strong> “<em>Hey, on the way home I thought we might grab some takeaway. What do you think?”</em> </p><p>Give them something small and joyful to think about that’s not related to swimming. </p><p>Take the spotlight off the meet for a minute. They don’t have to be sitting in the back hitting themselves over the head with a brick the whole drive.</p><p><strong>Third - share something positive about YOU.</strong> “<em>You know what - I really enjoy going to swim meets. I just love watching.”</em> </p><p>Tell them something that makes it not all about them and their performance.</p><p>The bigger picture:</p><p>I’ve been through this hundreds of times with sporting parents - not just with swimming but with football, rugby, tennis, basketball, rowing, gymnastics: every parent at some time will experience the car ride home after a sporting event.</p><p>The car ride home is far more important than most parents realise. </p><p>Get it wrong and you create more stress, more frustration, more sadness. You make it harder for the kid to come out of it.</p><p>But get it right and it’s a chance to demonstrate something extraordinary - <strong>unconditional love</strong>.</p><p>Whether they won nine gold medals and broke records, or got disqualified and missed their entry time - love them. </p><p>Cuddle them. </p><p>Tell them they’re amazing. </p><p>Show them they’re valued for <strong>who they are</strong> not what they swam.</p><p>If they have you as their “rock” - i.e. <strong>the certainty that you love them whether they win or lose</strong> - then they have the stable foundation to come back, recover, learn and grow. </p><p>They always do.</p><p>Summary:</p><p>The car ride home is one of the most important moments in your child’s sporting life.</p><p>Don’t analyse. </p><p>Don’t coach. </p><p>Don’t compare. </p><p>Stay quiet, divert if needed, share something positive about yourself and above everything else - <strong>love them unconditionally. </strong></p><p>That’s the rock they will build the rest of their sporting career - and indeed the rest of their lives upon.</p><p><strong>Three Practical Applications For Your Coaching:</strong></p><p>* <strong>Educate Your Parents:</strong> Run a short parent workshop on the topic of the car ride home. Five minutes at a parent meeting could change dozens of swimmer experiences.</p><p>* <strong>Hand Out the “</strong><strong><em>What Not To Say”</em></strong><strong>:</strong> Give parents a printable one-pager with the “three things not to say after a tough meet”. Make it easy for them to remember.</p><p>* <strong>Model It Yourself:</strong> Coaches - the first conversation after a tough swim matters too. Same rules apply. Don’t pile on. Don’t analyse in the moment. The deep debrief can wait until the next training session.</p><p>This is Wayne Goldsmith for <strong>Swimming Gold</strong>.</p><p><strong>Check out my new SPORTING PARENTS COURSE https://coachwayne.gumroad.com/l/raisingathletes</strong></p><p><strong>RAISING ATHLETES - </strong>The Sporting Parent’s Guide to Getting It Right.</p><p>You not only get a unique learning experience with videos and study guides but you get a free copy of my book<strong> THE TALENT MYTH - WHY CHARACTER BEATS GENETICS EVERYTIME!</strong></p><p>And use this CODE <strong>PARENTS2026ST</strong> at checkout to receive 25% off the price!</p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://swimminggold.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_2">swimminggold.substack.com/subscribe</a>