HomeWord Radio

Most men I know break into hives and immediately feel the pang of guilt when their wife says, “We need to talk.” I realize this plays into a “females-like-to-talk” and “men-like-to-not-talk” stereotype. I also realize there are exceptions and if you fall into that exception category–fabulous! Change the context and you can read this just the same.

My experience is that when my wife, Cathy, says “we need to talk,” she really doesn’t need me to shoot words in her direction. Rather, she is looking to connect with me.

When I was younger, I assumed there was a certain number of words or amount of time of “talking” that would lead to connection (i.e. “If we’d just talk more, we’d be closer.”) But over the years I’ve learned it’s more accurate to say, “If we connect more, we’d be closer, and ‘talk’ would be more natural.”

Cathy and I know that when we get away on a date, or share a meal together, or have planned pillow time, our connection is going to be much stronger. But we also realized that life with kids was so busy that we’d have to steal a few minutes and be intentional to get to the heart of connection.

These are specific questions that seem to fast-forward our connection:
• Tell me: What’s happening with you?
• What occurred today that you want me to know?
• How are you feeling about life? Us?

Obviously, it would be irresponsible to write about “talk” and “connecting” and not comment about “listening.”

No one wants to be in a relationship with a world-class talker. We all want to be with…
• Someone who doesn’t rush to judge or evaluate what we’re saying.
• Someone who isn’t quick to agree or disagree.
• Someone who doesn’t feel the need to express every opinion that flies across their mind.

I have many regrets over things I’ve said. I can actually grieve some misplaced and hurtful words I’ve used. But I have no regrets over listening. I’ve never regretted thinking, Why did I pay such careful attention to her?, or,  Why was I so patient and empathic and understanding?”

On the other hand, I have regretted checking email and reading my texts while Cathy was talking. But listening has never led to regret.

Connecting and listening will lead to more talking. But keep in mind that talking isn’t the end game… connecting is.

Many parents look for the latest parenting fad to help their kids grow into mature adults. Yet one key component for building kids’ lives is right in front of them: investing time, energy, and a commitment to “be there” for their kids. A regular, one-on-one ‘date night’ with each of your kids is a great place to begin intentionally investing in the overall health and growth of your child. Here are five tips for having a great ‘date night’ with your kids.

1) Choose to do something your kids want to do. Sometimes, when parents want to do something together with their kids, they’ll select an activity that they have interest in, but their kids do not. If you really want to create a positive “date night” culture where your kids want to hang out with you, try doing things that the kids are interested in. And remember, “date nights” don’t have to be complicated! They can be as simple as taking your child out to get an ice cream cone or throwing a Frisbee around in the yard.

2) Communicate. Be sure to engage your son or daughter in conversation during your “date night.” Don’t start by talking about your “list” of concerns you have about your child. Instead, talk about anything and everything. Ask your kids about their interests, opinions, and feelings.

3) Listen. Don’t dominate “date night” conversation. Communication is a two way street, so be sure to work at listening. Listening is the language of love. Through listening, you demonstrate that you value your kids. When you take the time to really pay attention, show empathy, and listen—you are taking a key step in connecting with your kids. When kids know that their parents will really listen (instead of immediately “correcting”) they will be more willing to talk.

4) Display affection. If you kids are adolescents, it’s important to remember that while they are in the process of becoming adults and separating from their parents, they still need your affection. In fact, sexual promiscuity in teenage girls can often be traced back to a desire for (and lack of) affection from their fathers. Dads, be sure to offer your kids genuine affection through loving words, affirmation, encouragement, small gifts, and appropriate touch.

5) Never embarrass your kids in front of their peers. A “date night” activity might take you onto your son or daughter’s “territory” – to a place where they may run into some of their peers. Gentle teasing is one thing, but embarrassing your kids in front of their peers can destroy all of the connection you are working to build with your child. Show respect to your kids and they’ll be more willing to hang out with you—and your “date nights” will be much more enjoyable as well.

Adolescents don’t like to lose their friends. But one longitudinal study of teenagers showed that the notion of having a BFF runs counter to reality. In the study, researchers found that just 1 in 100 friendships that begin in seventh grade continue on until the 12th grade.

The researchers discovered that the strongest predictors of friendship dissolution were differences in sex, differences in the degree to which children were liked by other children, differences in physical aggression, and differences in school competence.

What keeps friendships together? Apparently the old adage of “birds of a feather flock together” applies. Similarities between friends create harmony, lend themselves to cooperative activities, and builds an environment of shared pleasures, costs, and benefits. One caveat: undesirable attributes and behaviors, when displayed at similar levels between friends, also serve to keep relationships together.

What Can Parents Do?
• Understand that most kids will form new friendships and end old friendships during adolescence. It’s completely normal. There is a bit of a “revolving door” aspect to friendships in adolescence, particularly in early and middle adolescence as kids experiment with their identities and then begin to figure out their preferences. Eventually, they will begin to gravitate to similar peers for their key friendships.

• Support and comfort your teen when a previously valued friendship ends.

• Understand that you cannot choose your child’s friends, but you can encourage healthy friendships.

• Get to know your teen’s friends. Strive to make your home a safe and welcoming place for your teens and their friends to hang out. In the process of getting to know your teen’s friends, you will learn a lot about your own daughter or son, as well.

• If you find that your teenager has built a friendship based on similar undesirable attributes or behaviors, encourage him or her to evaluate and make major decisions about their friendships.

One of our jobs as parents is to plant the Word of God into our children’s lives. God’s Word provides them with a solid foundation upon which their lives can be built. In 1 Peter 1:24-25, we read, “All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field: the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever.” Creating an appreciation for God’s Word in kids isn’t always an easy task! But, I encourage you to do the best you can. Be persistent, pray, and then let God be God — who does the work to change lives! If you are looking for some ideas on how to instill an appreciation for God’s Word into your children’s lives, here are some ideas to help you get started.

Surround Your Kids with Good Resources. Younger children love Bible stories filled with action; stories like David and Goliath, Abraham and Lot, the Birth of Jesus, etc. So, if your kids are young, read Bible stories to them often. Utilize the many top-quality Christian videos available today. In reading, watching, and talking about Bible stories, you’ll be planting the concept that the Bible is important in your children’s lives.

If your children are older, be sure to give them a Bible translation that they can better understand. There are a number of “youth friendly” translations available, such as The New Century Version and The New Living Translation. There are also many “student” Bibles available, in a variety of formats, that include special notes and articles highlighting how the Bible specifically applies to young people’s lives.

Model Your Own Appreciation for God’s Word to Your Children. Do you have a regular devotional time where you read and study the Bible? Do your kids know it? How about letting your kids watch you model your own appreciation for God’s Word? Don’t forget that your actions will teach your kids a lot about how important you believe the Bible to be — probably even more than your words!

Create the Expectation that the Bible is an Everyday Guide for Everyday Life. In my years of youth ministry, I’ve often heard claims from students that the Bible is boring and isn’t relevant to living today. Too often, adults have passed along a poor concept of the Bible: that it is much like a school text to be read and memorized, but without much connection to how it applies to everyday life. You can raise your children’s level of expectation of the Bible (and their appreciation for it) by demonstrating to them that God’s Word is a trustworthy, everyday guide. Here are some specific ways you can accomplish this:

• Know what the Bible says. You don’t have to be a Bible scholar, but be a fellow-learner. This means that when your kids face a life issue or have a question about the Bible, share with them what you know the Bible says or work together with your child to find out what the Bible has to say on the issue or question.

• Know what the Bible doesn’t say. This is similar to the point above, but in this case, we need to help our children understand that the Bible doesn’t specifically address every issue. For example, your teen might ask you a question about what the Bible says about sexuality, like “How far is too far?” We need to be honest with our kids that the Bible doesn’t say, “Thou shalt not kiss thy neighbor.” But the Bible does have a lot to say about general principles for governing relationships, respect, lust, etc. which could absolutely apply when addressing the question.

• Emphasize the Good, Bad, and the Ugly in Scripture. By pointing to Bible stories where we read about both the victories and failures of God’s people, you’ll be making an important connection from the Bible to the realities of life that your kids experience. It is actually helpful for your children to learn that the Bible doesn’t contain only stories about nice people who always do the right thing. They will see that the Bible contains the stories of real people who experience the entire spectrum of human existence, many of whom are committed to living lives of faith in spite of their sin and struggles. Your children will benefit from seeing these every day, common experiences found in the Scriptures because they will learn that the Bible addresses real life issues.

• Emphasize Application of the Bible to Real Life Issues. When we help our kids see that the Bible is relevant and applies to real life issues — either specifically or by general principles — we create a sense of confidence in and appreciation for God’s Word in our children’s lives. As a result, our children will return to the Bible again and again for guidance and wisdom in their lives.

Teach Your Children How to Study God’s Word. The wisdom found in the following old adage, “Give a man a fish and he’ll be hungry tomorrow; teach a man how to fish and he’ll never go hungry again” also applies when it comes to teaching our kids to have an appreciation for God’s Word. If we, as parents, only tell our children about what they can find in the Bible, without teaching them how to discover and learn from the Bible on their own, they’ll become dependent on us, or on others, for their spiritual feeding. As your children grow older, be sure to give them the tools they need to be able to learn from the Scriptures on their own. Teach them a simple, Bible study plan where they can look at any Scripture passage and ask questions about the passage, such as,
• Who wrote the passage?
• Who was the passage written to?
• Where was the author? Where was the audience?
• When was the passage written?
• Why was it written?
• What was taking place at the time?
• What does the passage say?
• What action was instructed?
• What did the passage mean to the people it was originally meant for?
• What does it mean for me, today?
• What can I learn from the passage?
• How can I apply what I’ve learned to my own life?

As I’ve interacted with hundreds of parents over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that if you are having trouble communicating with your teen, you are in the vast majority.

So, if you are looking for ways to improve communication with your teen, here are five of my top tips…

1. Make mealtime family time. A large amount of research has shown that teenagers who dine regularly at home with their families are more satisfied with life. They are better students, are less likely to be sexually promiscuous, and tend to be much less involved with drug and alcohol abuse. Families that dine together regularly are more connected to one another. Why? It’s all about the communication that happens around the dinner table. Hectic schedules make dining together difficult, but the rewards make this a family tradition to cherish.

2. Make bedtime communication time. I found that one of the best times to have good communication with my teens was their bedtime. This was a carryover from their younger years when we tucked them into bed and said a prayer. When the teens were in bed but not asleep, I found them more in tune with talking about their day or their problems or whatever was on their mind. The relaxed atmosphere seems to work well for good communication. This is the type of communication that is foundational for the other times when you have to have a more difficult conversation. Try not to have those tougher conversations always at the same time or in the same place.

3. Have parent-child dates or hangout times. By the time kids are teenagers, they are very focused on their friends and peers. They are establishing their identities apart from Mom and Dad, but most are willing to do something fun with their parents; they still like to eat or shop. My habit was to have a monthly date with each of my children. They got to pick the experience, within financial reason. For them it mainly had to do with food. Times like these create a relaxed atmosphere where communication comes easier.

4. Walk around the block. My good friend John Townsend, author and speaker extraordinaire, regularly took his sons on a walk around the block. At first they would complain, he said, but about the second time around the block “the floodgates of communication would open.” Do whatever it takes to keep the communication lines open with your kids.

5. Listen more, talk less. A great deal of communication is listening. Listening is the language of love. We parents can have a difficult time really listening to our children. It often seems easier to lecture and scold, but the results aren’t the same as with listening. I’ve learned that sometimes my kids just wanted to talk and they really didn’t want me to share my opinion. I had to learn to quit answering all their questions…before they asked them! For older teens, it might help if you ask their permission to share your opinion, saying something like, “Would you mind if I shared with you my perspective?” This gives them a feeling that you really care for them. Even when it comes to conflict, a principle John Rosemond shared has the best results: “The fewer words a parent uses, the more authoritative the parent sounds. The fewer words a parent uses, the clearer the instruction.”