Love, Happiness and Success with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

“We talk all the time, but I still feel alone in my marriage.” If that sentence has ever crossed your mind on a Tuesday night, mid-load of dishes, with your partner three feet away, you are not imagining it. And you are not the only one. In this episode, I sit down with Debra Fileta, the licensed therapist who has spent more than twenty years in clinical practice helping couples figure out exactly this. Debra is the author of nine books and the host of the nationally syndicated podcast Talk To Me, and her newest book, People Skills, is built around an idea that I think is going to be a relief for a lot of you. Most relationship pain is not a love problem. It is a skill problem. And skills can be built. In This Episode The three levels of communication, and why almost every couple stalls at level two without realizing it Why “we talk all the time” is not the same thing as feeling close, even after twenty years of marriage The thirty-minute weekly ritual Debra and her husband John have used for fifteen years to keep their marriage from drifting Why being “nice” is not the same as having strong people skills, and the people-pleasing trap that masquerades as kindness How to tell the difference between a one-time conflict and a relationship pattern that is pointing at something deeper The volume-dial reframe for couples where one partner feels everything at a 7 and the other at a 3 The empathy practice that takes thirty seconds and changes the way you see almost everyone in your life Why “I keep attracting the wrong people” is the wrong question, and the better one Debra asks instead Why This Matters This episode is for anyone who has caught themselves thinking, something has shifted between us and I cannot put my finger on what. For the partner who feels like they are always the one initiating real conversation. For the couple who used to talk for hours and now mostly talks about logistics. For anyone who has wondered if needing more depth in their marriage is asking too much. It is not. And the way back is more learnable than you might think. Episode Breakdown 02:30 It is Not a Lack of Love, It is a Lack of Skill 06:30 Patterns vs. Pain Points (How to Tell If You Are the Common Denominator) 10:30 Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People (And How to Change Your “Magnet”) 14:00 The Three Levels of Communication: Why Most Couples Never Get Past Level Two 17:30 Duck Floaty or Scuba Diver? The Sunday Night Check-In That Saved a Marriage 23:00 When One of You Feels Everything at a 7 and the Other at a 3 29:30 The Yalom Story: How to Actually Look Out Your Partner’s Window 33:00 Trauma Does Not Excuse Us, But It Does Explain Us Resources Free Communication Training (two-part video plus workbook) Work with a couples counselor or relationship coach on my team If something in this conversation lands somewhere specific for you, that is the signal to do something with it. Start with the free communication training at growingself.com/communication. It is two short videos and a workbook, and you can do it this weekend. And if you want to go a little deeper, we do free first conversations at growingself.com. No pressure, no commitment, just a real conversation about what is actually going on in your relationship and whether what we do here might be a fit. I will see you back on the podcast soon. xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby Growing Self Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free. Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts. OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order. Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs. LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Forty Colombian farmers sat looking at her, completely unimpressed, when the cartel boss in the back of the room opened a case and a drone flew up out of it. In this episode, I sit down with Attia Qureshi, the negotiation teacher who learned her craft running State Department conflict-resolution work in cartel-controlled coca regions of Colombia, and who now teaches at the University of Michigan after a stint at MIT Sloan. Her new book Never Settle, with a foreword by Sheila Heen and endorsements from Daniel Pink, Robert Cialdini, and Chris Voss, hits shelves next week. The thing I love about her work is that she does not treat negotiation as a boardroom sport. She treats it as a daily relationship skill, the kind you practice with your barista so it is already in your hands when something hard comes up at home. In This Episode The four-step sequence Attia used to reset a room of 40 unimpressed farmers and a cartel boss with a drone, and how the same four steps work in your kitchen tonight Why "take out the trash" is the position and not the actual ask, and the one-sentence reframe that changes how you fight about household chores The fifth-grade bullying story that produced the hard shell most of us are still wearing into adulthood The seven-word test that tells you whether you are influencing someone or manipulating them Why the freeze you feel when you try to speak up is physiology, not personality, and what to do about it in real time How to know when you are giving too much to a taker, and the experiment Attia recommends before you decide to cut losses The literal glass of lemonade that turned a hostile next-door neighbor into a friendly one, and the Cialdini-backed science underneath it Why This Matters This episode is for anyone who knows what they want and goes quiet when it is time to ask. For anyone stuck in a loop with a difficult coworker or in-law that has been the same loop for three years. For anyone who has tried the assertive thing once and the people-pleasing thing once and is exhausted by both, and who wants a path that does not require a personality transplant. Episode Breakdown 0:30 How to Get What You Want: Without Fighting or Folding 2:52 Bethany and the Exoskeleton: Where the People-Pleaser-or-Hardener Split Begins 7:18 Why You Freeze When You Try to Ask for What You Want 14:19 A Drone, a Drug Cartel, and How to Negotiate Without Being Aggressive 28:39 Self-Negotiation: Emotional Regulation Before the Conversation Starts 33:22 Positions vs Interests: What You Are Really Asking For 36:01 The Lemonade Story: Reciprocity, Reset, and the Long Game 46:21 Givers, Takers, Matchers, and the Difference Between Influence and Manipulation Resources Free Communication Training (workbook plus two-part video) Schedule a free consultation with our team Relationship coaching at Growing Self If something in this conversation landed somewhere specific for you, the most generous thing you can do is share it with the friend who came to mind while you were listening. And if you are ready to stop having this same conversation in your head and start having a different one out loud, my free Communication Training is at growingself.com/communication. It is the workbook and video series I built for exactly the kind of conversation Attia and I were just having. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby Growing Self Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free. Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts. OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order. Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs. LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Scientists gave people Tylenol before a social rejection. It worked. Your nervous system treats being left out the same way it treats a broken bone. That is why telling yourself to just get over it has never, ever worked. And it is why this conversation with negotiation expert Kwame Christian is going to change how you see your own fear of conflict. If you’re non confrontational by nature, or you’ve spent years being a people pleaser to keep things smooth, what Kwame explains in this episode is going to feel like the first time someone has accurately described what is actually happening inside you. The fear is not weakness. It is biology. And there is a way through it. In this episode, I sit down with Kwame Christian, CEO of the American Negotiation Institute and host of Negotiate Anything. His framework, Compassionate Curiosity, is built entirely on empathy, genuine curiosity, and a clear sense of what you actually value. We did a live roleplay about household labor and invisible work, and I want to be honest with you: I felt the shift in real time. The resistance just left. That is what this approach does. In This Episode The neuroscience behind conflict avoidance, including why social rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain Kwame’s origin story as a people pleaser and exactly how he treated his fear of conflict like a phobia to overcome it The difference between being liked and being respected, and why only one of them gets you where you want to go A complete reframe of what negotiation actually is, and why the goal is never to win but to discover what is possible The Compassionate Curiosity framework step by step, including the pre-conversation internal work that makes you harder to rattle The Situation/Impact/Invitation opener that dissolves defensiveness before the hard conversation even begins A live roleplay on the invisible work conversation with a real-time demonstration of the shift that happens when you stop fighting What confidence in conflict actually looks like when it is not swagger Why This Matters This episode is for anyone who has ever bitten their tongue in a conversation that needed to happen. For anyone who has let something slide one too many times and felt a piece of themselves go with it. And for anyone who suspects that the life they want is on the other side of a conversation they have been too afraid to have. The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. This episode will help you get there. Episode Breakdown 03:01 Why Difficult Conversations Feel Like a Threat (Not a Choice) 05:56 Kwame’s Origin Story — From People Pleaser to Negotiation Expert 10:16 The Difference Between Being Liked and Being Respected 16:36 Every Difficult Conversation Is a Relationship Test 26:01 How to Stop Caring If People Are Mad at You 39:21 Negotiation Isn’t What You Think It Is 51:37 The Compassionate Curiosity Framework — Live Roleplay 01:06:02 What It Actually Means to Be Confident in Conflict Resources Full article: https://www.growingself.com/how-to-have-difficult-conversations/ Free Communication Training (2-part video + workbook): https://www.growingself.com/communication/ Relationship coaching at Growing Self: https://www.growingself.com/relationship-coaching/ If today’s conversation stirred something in you, you do not have to work through it alone. My team of coaches and therapists at Growing Self is here. A free consultation, no pressure, just a real conversation about where you are and what might help. Come find us at growingself.com. And if you know someone who avoids conflict to keep the peace, please share this one. I bet you already have someone in mind. With love, xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby Growing Self Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at ⁠upwork.com⁠ — posting a job is free. Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit ⁠shopify.com/lhs⁠ to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts. OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at ⁠oseamalibu.com⁠ for 10% off your first order Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at ⁠quince.com/lhs⁠. LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ⁠ProlonLife.com/LHS⁠ for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Burnout and stress don’t just drain energy, they drain connection. If you’re in burnout, it can spike stress & anxiety and create real conflict & repair work at home. And here’s the part most people miss: sometimes burnout isn’t solved by “pushing harder” or even taking a break. Sometimes it’s about play. Not childish, silly, or irresponsible play. But a playful mindset—curiosity, experimentation, levity—that changes how you experience your real life, in real time. In this conversation, I’m joined by Piera Gelardi to talk about burnout recovery through a lens most people never consider. Piera is a creative entrepreneur, artist, and the co-founder of Refinery29 and 29Rooms, and her work is all about helping people reconnect with joy, creativity, and aliveness. Together, we explore what happens when life gets so serious, so scheduled, and so responsibility-heavy that you lose touch with the parts of yourself that feel light, open, and fully alive. We talk about “play deprivation,” the difference between having fun and living playfully, and why recovery from burnout often has less to do with escaping your life and more to do with changing your relationship to it. You’ll hear why humor as a coping mechanism can be surprisingly healing, how playful curiosity can shift conflict, and why the quiet boredom in relationship can sometimes be a sign that something important has gone missing. This is a warm, honest conversation about stress, connection, resilience, and what helps people feel like themselves again. We also get practical. Piera shares simple ways to bring more play into ordinary life, from finding the funny in hard moments to remixing daily routines, noticing beauty, and experimenting with small changes that make life feel less heavy. As you listen, I’d love for you to consider: What has gotten so serious lately? Where have you made joy conditional? And what might change if play was not something you earned after everything else was done, but part of how you cared for yourself all along? Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Why Play Matters for Adults 09:08 What Play Deprivation Really Looks Like 21:21 The Different Ways Adults Experience Play 30:11 How Humor Can Help You Cope 39:13 Wonder Wandering and Everyday Joy 41:16 Playfulness in Relationships 44:46 Why Play Is Fuel, Not Frivolous If you’re noticing that stress has taken over your mood, your relationships, or your ability to enjoy your own life, this might be a good time to get support. You can book a free consultation with me or a member of my team, and we’ll talk about what’s been feeling hard, what you want to change, and what kind of support would actually help. We’ll help you find the right counselor or coach so you can feel more grounded, more connected, and more like yourself again. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby Growing Self Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free. Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

Sometimes the worst part of betrayal is not what happened. It’s what keeps happening inside you afterward. Betrayal trauma recovery is about understanding why betrayal trauma can leave you anxious, hypervigilant, angry, shut down, or unsure of yourself long after the original event is over. In this episode, we’re revisiting a conversation about what happens when someone you love, trust, or depend on hurts you in a way that changes how safe the world feels. Whether the rupture came through infidelity, dishonesty, emotional abandonment, or another kind of relational betrayal, the aftermath can be disorienting in ways people do not always talk about clearly enough. We’ll look at why betrayal can create trauma responses that feel a lot like PTSD, and why healing after betrayal often takes more than insight alone. We’ll also explore what betrayal trauma recovery can look like in real life: naming the wound honestly, recognizing your trauma responses, understanding the difference between a real threat and an old trigger, and creating the kind of emotional safety that makes healing possible. If you’ve been trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, make sense of healing after infidelity, or learn how to trust yourself again, this episode offers a compassionate and grounded place to begin. Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Betrayal Trauma Recovery 04:09 Why Betrayal Can Feel Like Trauma 08:38 What Counts as Betrayal? 15:43 Self-Blame and Losing Trust in Yourself 23:14 Betrayal Trauma Symptoms: Fear, Hypervigilance, and Avoidance 35:02 How Betrayal Trauma Recovery Begins 46:53 Why Safety Has to Come Before Healing 52:08 Healing, Boundaries, and Learning to Trust Yourself Again If this episode gave language to something you’ve been carrying alone, I’d like to offer you a gentle next step. You can schedule a free consultation with me or someone on my team, and we’ll help you find the right support for you. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes to answer three quick questions so we can match you with the right counselor or coach. Think of it as a thoughtful first step toward feeling more clear, more supported, and more like yourself again. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby Growing Self Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free. Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts. OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order