Normalize therapy.

<p><strong>“How couples argue and disagree about issues appears to be more consequential to the success of marriage than what they argue about or how often they experience conflicts.”</strong></p> <p>To reword the above quote taken from an article by Hanzal and Segrin in the Journal of Family Communication, you could simply say “<em>how</em> we fight has far more influence on the future of our marriage, than <em>what</em> we fight about”.</p> <p>Therefore, <strong>our fighting style, or </strong><strong><em>how</em> we fight</strong><strong>, really matters</strong>.</p> <p>Conflict in marriage arises from differences in preferences, backgrounds, and values between partners. Conflict in marriage is a natural and inevitable part of relationships, as two individuals bring together their unique perspectives, habits, and expectations.</p> <p>Before I get into the different styles of fighting, we need to be aware that gender differences make a big difference in our fights. In fact, a husband and a wife will experience the same fight differently. Not just because they have different perspectives, but because they are different genders.</p> <p>You might not be a typical couple, and that’s not necessarily a problem, but the following things, about how <em>most</em> couples operate are good to keep in mind.</p> <p>Studies show <strong>women tend to be more negative</strong> in conflict and use confrontational behaviors that say “this is all about me”, rather than the marriage. The behaviors include being demanding, hostile, threatening, insulting and insisting that all the change should come from their husband. Research shows that wives tend to use more destructive conflict behaviors than husbands, which can contribute to higher divorce rates.</p> <p>But to generalize men as well for a moment… <strong>Men are more likely to avoid.</strong> They get scared of the big emotions, so feel safer avoiding them altogether. Withdrawal behaviors, such as keeping quiet or leaving to cool down, especially when used by either husband, are linked to higher divorce rates.</p> <p>Another thing for men to keep in mind is that the less influence a woman feels she has in her marriage, the bigger the artillery she has to use to gain influence, so the more confrontational she will be.</p> <p>Husbands, if you want a happier wife, <a href="https://therapevo.com/oyf003-receiving-influence-skill-every-husband-needs-learn/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">receive her influence</a>!</p> <p>Remember, both husband and wife have the same end goal of <a href="https://therapevo.com/heres-the-best-thing-you-can-do-after-a-fight-with-your-spouse/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">trying to save the marriage</a>, but they come at it from two completely different angles. Couples who engage in a <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/one-thing-every-distressed-marriage-doing-wrong/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">demand-withdraw pattern</a>, where one partner demands and the other spouse withdraws, are at a higher risk for divorce.</p> <p>Not only do they have different perspectives, but conflict behaviors in the early years of marriage can predict divorce rates over a span of 16 years. Some conflicts in marriage are perpetual and rooted in fundamental differences in personality or lifestyle, and unresolvable conflicts are inherent in all relationships because each partner is a unique person with their own reality. Nearly 70% of all marriage conflicts are considered perpetual and essentially unresolvable, but healthy conflict in marriage can lead to growth and deeper intimacy when managed well.</p> <h2>Introduction to Conflict</h2> <p>If you&#8217;re reading this, you likely understand that conflict is a natural part of your relationship journey—and yes, that includes your marriage. No matter how deeply you love your spouse, you will face moments when disagreements surface—whether they center on finances, parenting decisions, control dynamics, or simply the overwhelming pressures of daily life. Here&#8217;s what truly matters: it&#8217;s not whether conflict happens in your relationship, but how you and your partner <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/3-ways-to-support-your-spouse-when-you-disagree/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">navigate these challenges together as a united team</a>.</p> <p>Learning to <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/fight-problem-not/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">resolve conflict in a healthy, constructive way</a> represents one of the most transformative skills you can develop for building the strong, loving marriage you deserve. Your marital conflicts often emerge from the beautiful complexity of bringing together two unique individuals—each of you carries distinct opinions, values, and personality traits that make you who you are. The key lies in approaching these differences with genuine mutual respect and a deep willingness to understand not only your own emotional experience, but your partner&#8217;s inner world as well.</p> <p>Effective conflict resolution begins with developing strong communication skills that will serve your relationship for years to come. This means you&#8217;ll practice <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/why-your-husband-cant-hear-you-during-conflict/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">active listening</a> with intention, express your feelings with honesty and vulnerability (while avoiding the destructive patterns of finger-pointing or blame), and together create a safe emotional space where both of you feel truly heard and valued. Relationship expert John Gottman&#8217;s research demonstrates that couples who invest in truly listening and empathizing with each other experience far greater success in resolving conflicts and actually strengthening their bond through these challenges.</p> <p>It&#8217;s also essential for you to recognize that some disagreements—what Gottman identifies as &#8220;perpetual conflicts&#8221;—may never find complete resolution, and that&#8217;s perfectly normal. Rather than allowing these ongoing issues to create resentment or letting yourselves go to bed carrying anger, you and your partner can work collaboratively to address the deeper underlying concerns and discover constructive pathways forward. By genuinely acknowledging each other&#8217;s perspectives and functioning as a true partnership, you can prevent minor tensions from escalating into major threats to your relationship&#8217;s foundation.</p> <p>When you or your spouse feels hurt or misunderstood, addressing those vulnerable feelings with genuine care and shared responsibility becomes absolutely crucial. By avoiding blame and focusing your energy on <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/oyf015-listen-to-understand/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">deep understanding</a>, both of you can feel supported and valued, even during moments of disagreement. Remember, your goal isn&#8217;t to &#8220;win&#8221; any argument, but to discover solutions that honor both of your needs while strengthening the intimate connection you share.</p> <p>By making conflict resolution a central priority in your marriage, you&#8217;re making a profound investment in a relationship that can not only survive life&#8217;s inevitable challenges but actually emerge stronger and more resilient over time. Whether you&#8217;re working through a specific difficult situation or simply navigating the everyday complexities of married life, developing the skills to manage conflict with empathy, respect, and open communication will help you build the loving, lasting partnership you both envision for your future together.</p> <h2>Anger in Marital Conflict</h2> <p>One thing that surprised us in the research for this topic, was that <strong>an angry wife has a far greater negative impact on marital satisfaction than an equally angry husband</strong>. The Proverb that says ”It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” apparently is very true!</p> <p>It&#8217;s important to remember that hurt feelings in marriage can occur even when neither spouse has done anything wrong, often due to unmet expectations.</p> <p>Wives need to take their anger seriously! Yes, male anger can be more dangerous (and I don&#8217;t want to minimize that in any ways, but in non-abusive marriages a wife&#8217;s anger not only lowers their marriage satisfaction but their husband’s as well.</p> <p>The angrier we become (this goes for both husbands and wives but I’m specifically thinking of women), the more tempted we are to use nasty behavior such as demand, withdrawal, contempt, and criticism; all of which are particularly corrosive to marital well-being. Instead, expressing feelings openly and calmly, and <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/what-to-do-when-your-spouse-offends-you/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">acknowledging when you or your spouse feel hurt</a>, can prevent anger from festering and help foster understanding and empathy.</p> <p>When anger has caused hurt, offering a genuine apology is valuable—sincere apologies can help heal wounds and strengthen the bond between partners.</p> <h2>Styles</h2> <p>Dr. John Gottman identified several marital conflict styles that describe how couples typically handle disagreements. Every marriage has its own particular set of disagreements, often rooted in the unique backgrounds, temperaments, and experiences of the two individuals involved. These differences naturally lead to relationship problems, as couples encounter conflicting desires and expectations. For example, a typical relationship problem might involve disagreements about money, division of chores, or parenting approaches. Couples often find themselves having the same argument repeatedly without resolution, which can lead to feelings of unfair treatment and misunderstanding. It&#8217;s important to recognize that most unresolvable marriage conflicts involve differences of opinion rather than moral issues, making it possible for couples to agree to disagree and address these challenges constructively.</p> <p>This model of fighting styles is taken from Dr. Gottman’s study in 1993. The first three are functional and work fine. The last two are considered unstable.</p> <h3>1. Avoiders</h3> <p><strong>Typical Behaviors</strong></p> <ul> <li>Avoiders don’t think they are avoiders but don’t have any specific strategies for resolving conflict.</li> <li>They may wait stuff out or even talk stuff out, but never really go deep with each other.</li> <li>They kind of state their points, reaffirm their common ground and move on after coming up with some ambiguous solution.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Impact on Marriage</strong></p> <ul> <li>When issues are left unresolved, couples may end up feeling distant and lonely.</li> <li>Often have the same argument repeatedly without resolution, leading to feelings of unfair treatment and misunderstanding.</li> <li>Avoiders tend to shy away from open conversation, which is essential to solve problems and build intimacy.</li> <li>Couples who avoid discussing their differences are less happy over time, particularly women.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Tips for Improvement</strong></p> <ul> <li>Agree to start opening up to each other and stop <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/stop-bottling-up-stuff-in-marriage/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">bottling up issues in your marriage</a>.</li> <li>Practice active listening and make time for honest conversations.</li> <li>Consider taking a communication and conflict resolution course like <a href="https://www.talktome101.com/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Talk To Me 101</a>.</li> <li>Compromise and find solutions that benefit both partners, such as alternating preferences for vacations or family gatherings.</li> </ul> <h3>2. Volatiles</h3> <p><strong>Typical Behaviors</strong></p> <ul> <li>Volatiles come straight at each other.</li> <li>They disagree and try to persuade each other.</li> <li>They produce a lot of drama: both positive and negative.</li> <li>Value arguing and really work hard at convincing each other.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Impact on Marriage</strong></p> <ul> <li>While they value arguing, it&#8217;s important for volatiles to focus on expressing feelings openly and having constructive conversations, rather than just arguing.</li> <li>Healthy conversation—where both partners actively listen and share their emotions without blame—can help resolve marriage conflict more effectively.</li> <li>These folks can bicker pretty good but passionate love-making will likely follow.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Tips for Improvement</strong></p> <ul> <li>Adhere to good ground rules for arguments.</li> <li>Be careful not to shift to hostile behaviors.</li> <li>Maintain a solid fondness and admiration system as a base in your marriage.</li> <li>Focus on finding solutions together, not just winning arguments.</li> </ul> <h3>3. Validators and Mutual Respect</h3> <p><strong>Typical Behaviors</strong></p> <ul> <li>Validators tend to walk the middle line.</li> <li>There is conflict but there’s ease and calm too and each spouse is trying to validate the other.</li> <li>This could look like clear empathy or a lot of “Mm hmm’s”.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Impact on Marriage</strong></p> <ul> <li>Validators show empathy by actively listening to understand the other&#8217;s feelings, rather than just responding.</li> <li>Acknowledging each other&#8217;s feelings and viewpoints helps build a sense of intimacy and mutual respect.</li> <li>Listening and acknowledging is more important than winning the argument.</li> <li>This is a calmer approach to marriage, and it sounds rosy (and is!) but the romance can dissipate and the marriage can end up as a close friendship.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Tips for Improvement</strong></p> <ul> <li>Watch out for over-empathizing to the point of avoiding necessary, honest feedback.</li> <li><a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/figure-out-what-your-spouse-is-actually-upset-about/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Tell your spouse the uncomfortable things they may need to hear</a>.</li> <li>Use a solution-oriented approach to transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection.</li> </ul> <h3>4. Hostiles</h3> <p><strong>Typical Behaviors</strong></p> <ul> <li>Hostiles have very negative conversations.</li> <li>There is always lots of defensiveness, lots of globalizing and each spouse is very judgmental.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Impact on Marriage</strong></p> <ul> <li>Destructive conflict behaviors, such as criticism and yelling, are linked to higher divorce rates.</li> <li>Focusing on who is &#8216;wrong&#8217; or assigning blame can escalate marriage conflict and further damage the relationship.</li> <li>It is <em>always</em> a downward spiral.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Tips for Improvement</strong></p> <ul> <li>Actively seek help, such as reading Dr. Gottman’s books or pursuing <a href="https://therapevo.com/couples-counseling/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">marriage counseling</a>.</li> <li>Practice active listening and use &#8216;I&#8217; statements.</li> <li>Set boundaries and prioritize quality time to rebuild trust.</li> </ul> <h3>5. Hostile/Detached and Perpetual Conflicts</h3> <p><strong>Typical Behaviors</strong></p> <ul> <li>Hostile/Detached couples normally have little or no emotional involvement with each other.</li> <li>Occasionally they may get into a hostile spat, often about trivial matters.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Impact on Marriage</strong></p> <ul> <li>Emotional distancing and lack of involvement from one or the other partner can lead to ongoing relationship problems and feelings of disconnection.</li> <li>Intimacy issues often arise when partners have mismatched needs for physical or emotional closeness, which can undermine the health and longevity of the marriage.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Tips for Improvement</strong></p> <ul> <li>Seek professional help to address emotional distance and rebuild connection.</li> <li>Focus on increasing emotional involvement and addressing underlying issues.</li> </ul> <p>So, what kind of couple are you?</p> <p>Ideally, you want to be validators and have a little avoidance so you know you’re normal and then a <em>little</em> sprinkle of volatility just to spice things up a bit!</p> <h2>How Can We Do Better at Conflict Resolution?</h2> <p>Here are actionable steps for each conflict style:</p> <p><strong>Avoiders</strong></p> <ul> <li>Agree to start opening up to each other and stop <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/stop-bottling-up-stuff-in-marriage/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">bottling up issues in your marriage</a>.</li> <li>Practice teamwork and active listening.</li> <li>Realize and accept each person&#8217;s reality.</li> <li>Take a communication and conflict resolution course like <a href="https://www.talktome101.com/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Talk To Me 101</a>.</li> <li>Compromise and find creative solutions that honor both partners’ positions.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Volatiles</strong></p> <ul> <li>Stick to good ground rules during disagreements.</li> <li>Avoid shifting into hostile behaviors.</li> <li>Maintain a strong foundation of fondness and admiration.</li> <li>Focus on mutual support and understanding.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Validators</strong></p> <ul> <li>Be mindful of over-empathizing; sometimes honest feedback is necessary.</li> <li><a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/figure-out-what-your-spouse-is-actually-upset-about/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Communicate uncomfortable truths</a> when needed.</li> <li>Use a solution-oriented approach to turn conflicts into opportunities for growth.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Hostiles or Hostile/Detached</strong></p> <ul> <li>Actively seek help, such as reading Dr. Gottman’s books or pursuing <a href="https://therapevo.com/couples-counseling/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">marriage counseling</a>.</li> <li>Practice active listening and use &#8216;I&#8217; statements.</li> <li>Set boundaries, ensure financial transparency, and prioritize quality time.</li> <li>Build trust through honesty and address <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/defensiveness-in-marriage/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">defensiveness</a>.</li> <li>Work towards compromise and rebuilding connection.</li> </ul> <p>Image courtesy of <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/what-is-your-fighting-style/%E2%80%9Chttps://www.flickr.com/photos/lanier67/%E2%80%9D" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Raul Lieberwirth </a>under the <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/what-is-your-fighting-style/%E2%80%9Chttps://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/legalcode%E2%80%9D" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Creative Commons</a> license.</p>

<h2>Key Takeaways</h2> <ul> <li>Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that makes victims question their memory, perception, and sanity through deliberate manipulation</li> <li>The term is originally derived from the 1938 play “Gas Light” where a husband manipulates his wealthy wife into doubting her reality as he attempts to steal her generational wealth</li> <li>Common tactics include lying, denial, minimizing feelings, blame-shifting, and rewriting history to gain power and control</li> <li>Victims often experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and difficulty trusting themselves or others</li> <li>Recovery involves seeking support, documenting incidents, trusting your instincts, and potentially leaving the abusive relationship</li> </ul> <p>https://youtu.be/NfJGNfpg2IQ</p> <p>If you’ve ever found yourself constantly second guessing your own memories, wondering if you’re “too sensitive,” or feeling like you’re losing your grip on reality in a relationship, you may be experiencing gaslighting. This insidious form of emotional abuse affects millions of people, leaving them confused, isolated, and questioning their own sanity. It is important to remember that gaslighting is not the victim&#8217;s fault; the abusive behavior is a choice made by the gaslighter.</p> <p>Be reassured: you’re not imagining things, and you’re not alone. Gaslighting is a real, documented form of psychological abuse that mental health professionals recognize as deeply harmful. Understanding what gaslighting involves, why people do it, and how to protect yourself is the first step toward reclaiming your reality and your life.</p> <h2>What is Gaslighting?</h2> <p>Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where one person manipulates another into doubting their own memory, perception, and sanity. This deliberate psychological manipulation causes confusion, self-doubt, and increases the victim&#8217;s reliance on the abuser. Unlike simple lying or disagreement, gaslighting specifically targets your sense of reality itself. As a result, victims often feel unsure about their own perceptions and reality, further deepening their confusion and vulnerability. The longer gaslighting continues, the more a victim may start to rely on the gaslighter to define reality.</p> <p>The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play “Angel Street” (later called “Gas Light”) and the 1944 Alfred Hitchcock film adaptation. In the story, a husband systematically manipulates his wife’s environment—dimming the gas lights in their home while insisting she’s only imagining the changes. He denies her perceptions so persistently that she begins to believe she’s losing her mind. This is a classic example of a gaslighter gaslighting their victim, using manipulative tactics to make her question her reality. This deliberate campaign to undermine someone’s grip on reality gave us the word gaslighting.</p> <p>The distinction between gaslighting and other forms of manipulation or lying is crucial. While all relationships involve disagreement and (unfortunately!) even some lying, gaslighting specifically targets one’s sense of reality. It’s not about winning an argument—it’s about making you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and mental stability to gain control. Gaslighters may even suggest you have a bad memory, using phrases like &#8220;You&#8217;re crazy – that never happened,&#8221; to discredit your experiences and undermine your credibility.</p> <p>Gaslighting can occur in romantic relationships, families, workplaces, and friendships. The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports that 74% of women seeking domestic violence support have experienced gaslighting, making it one of the most common forms of psychological abuse. Women and marginalized groups are more likely to experience gaslighting due to systemic power imbalances.</p> <p><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-14081" src="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abuse-survivor-knows-she-is-gaslit.jpg" alt="gaslighting is a form of abuse affecting the woman in this image" width="1800" height="1200" srcset="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abuse-survivor-knows-she-is-gaslit.jpg 1800w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abuse-survivor-knows-she-is-gaslit-300x200.jpg 300w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abuse-survivor-knows-she-is-gaslit-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abuse-survivor-knows-she-is-gaslit-768x512.jpg 768w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abuse-survivor-knows-she-is-gaslit-1536x1024.jpg 1536w" sizes="(max-width: 1800px) 100vw, 1800px" /></p> <h3>Types of Gaslighting</h3> <p><strong>Intimate partner gaslighting</strong> is the most recognized form, occurring in romantic relationships where an <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/defining-emotionally-abusive-behavior/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">abusive partner</a> systematically undermines the other’s reality. This might involve denying conversations, rewriting relationship history, or making their partner feel “crazy” for having normal emotional reactions.</p> <p><strong>Workplace gaslighting</strong> involves colleagues or supervisors undermining your credibility, denying conversations about work assignments, or dismissing your concerns about workplace issues. This form of abuse often targets competent employees to maintain power structures or avoid accountability.</p> <p><strong>Parental gaslighting</strong> occurs when caregivers manipulate children’s reality and emotions, denying abusive incidents or rewriting family history. Children who experience this form of abuse often struggle with self-trust and healthy relationship patterns into adulthood.</p> <p><strong>Racial gaslighting</strong> involves denying or minimizing experiences of bias and discrimination. This might include dismissing someone’s experiences of racism as “oversensitivity” or claiming that racial bias doesn’t exist in certain situations. Racial gaslighting discredits the experiences of an entire racial or ethnic group to undermine their credibility.</p> <p><strong>Medical gaslighting</strong> happens when healthcare providers dismiss patients’ symptoms or concerns, particularly affecting women and minorities who report pain or unusual symptoms. This can lead to delayed diagnoses and serious health consequences.</p> <p>These patterns are examples of an abusive person&#8217;s behavior, which can occur in any relationship type.</p> <h2>Psychology of the Gaslighter</h2> <p>Understanding why people gaslight others reveals a disturbing pattern of power-seeking behavior rooted in deep psychological issues. Gaslighters are primarily motivated by an overwhelming need for power, control, and dominance over others. Manipulative people often use gaslighting as a tactic to achieve their goals. Their actions stem from a fundamental inability to handle accountability, criticism, or perceived threats to their authority. Gaslighting harms those who experience it and leads to increased dependence on the partner who is behaving abusively.</p> <p>Some people who engage in gaslighting behaviors display specific personality traits that make them particularly dangerous in relationships. They typically lack empathy, show excessive need for admiration, and exhibit grandiose self-perception. These individuals often present different faces to different people, maintaining a charming public image while privately tormenting their victims. Gaining control over others is a core motivation for these individuals, driving their persistent use of psychological manipulation.</p> <p>Mental health professionals have identified strong connections between gaslighting behavior and certain mental health disorders. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is particularly associated with gaslighting, as individuals with NPD require constant validation and cannot tolerate being wrong or challenged. They view relationships as competitions they must win rather than partnerships built on mutual respect. Gaslighting can also contribute to or exacerbate mental illness in victims, leading to conditions such as anxiety, depression, or PTSD.</p> <p>Antisocial personality disorder also correlates with gaslighting behaviors, as these individuals often lack conscience and view others as objects to be manipulated rather than people deserving of respect. However, it’s important to note that not everyone who gaslights has a personality disorder—some learn these behaviors from childhood trauma, dysfunctional family systems, or as part of covering up an addiction.</p> <p>Some gaslighters may be unconscious of their behavior, using reality distortion as a defense mechanism to protect their fragile self-image. However, the most damaging gaslighters are deliberately manipulative, systematically planning their psychological attacks to gain control over their victims.</p> <p>The role of childhood trauma cannot be overlooked in understanding gaslighter psychology. Many people who gaslight others grew up in homes where emotional abuse was normalized, where they learned that manipulation and control were acceptable ways to handle relationships. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it helps explain how these destructive patterns develop and perpetuate across generations.</p> <h2>Common Gaslighting Tactics</h2> <p>Gaslighters use systematic patterns of manipulation designed to confuse, control, and undermine their victims’ confidence. They may dismiss hurtful comments or actions as &#8216;just a joke&#8217; to minimize their behavior and make the victim question their own feelings. These tactics often escalate in frequency and intensity over time, creating a web of psychological control that becomes increasingly difficult to escape.</p> <p>Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial for understanding emotional abuse and taking steps toward recovery.</p> <h3>Outright Lying and Denial</h3> <p>One of the most blatant gaslighting techniques involves bold-faced lying, even when evidence clearly proves otherwise. Gaslighters will deny conversations, agreements, or events that obviously occurred, often responding with phrases like “That never happened” or “You’re making things up.” This tactic specifically targets a person&#8217;s memory, making them question and doubt their own recollection of events.</p> <p>This reality distortion goes beyond simple dishonesty—it’s a calculated attack on your ability to trust your own memories. When someone consistently denies obvious facts, they’re training you to doubt your own perceptions and rely on their version of reality instead.</p> <p>Gaslighters also create false narratives to justify their actions or behavior. They might claim you misunderstood their intentions, rewrite the history of arguments, or invent entirely fictional motivations for their abusive behavior. This constant reframing of reality keeps victims confused and off-balance.</p> <h3>Reality Questioning</h3> <p>Perhaps the most insidious tactic involves directly challenging your memory and perception. Gaslighters use phrases like “You’re remembering it wrong” or “It’s all in your head” to make you question your own experiences. They particularly target traumatic or significant events, insisting these incidents never occurred or happened differently than you remember.</p> <p>This form of psychological abuse is especially effective because it attacks the foundation of your reality testing. When someone repeatedly tells you that your memories are false, you gradually lose confidence in your ability to distinguish truth from fiction.</p> <p>The constant reality questioning extends to your perception of situations as well. Gaslighters will insist you misunderstood their tone, misinterpreted their actions, or completely fabricated their hurtful behaviors. These tactics are often used to undermine the other person&#8217;s credibility, making others doubt your account and eroding your confidence. They might say things like “I was just kidding” or “You took it the wrong way” to make you feel overly sensitive for having normal emotional reactions.</p> <p>Once you begin to doubt your own reality, the gaslighter then has control over the narrative of your shared experiences. This increases their power over you in the relationship and makes you more vulnerable to their coercive control.</p> <h3>Minimizing and Trivializing</h3> <p>Gaslighters excel at dismissing your feelings and experiences as unimportant or irrational. They use phrases like “You’re overreacting,” “Calm down,” or “You’re being too sensitive” to shame you into silence. This minimizing tactic teaches you that your emotional responses are invalid and unreasonable.</p> <p>This form of emotional abuse often involves belittling your achievements, interests, or concerns while positioning the gaslighter as the judge of what matters or is important. They might dismiss your career accomplishments, mock your hobbies, or trivialize serious concerns about the relationship.</p> <p>The systematic minimizing of your experiences serves multiple purposes for the abuser. It allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their harmful actions while simultaneously training you to suppress your own needs and reactions. Over time, you learn to minimize your own feelings before they can dismiss them, leading to profound self-suppression.</p> <p><img decoding="async" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-14082" src="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abusive-men-gaslight-their-partners.jpg" alt="men who gaslight are often charming and popular in the community" width="1200" height="801" srcset="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abusive-men-gaslight-their-partners.jpg 1200w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abusive-men-gaslight-their-partners-300x200.jpg 300w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abusive-men-gaslight-their-partners-1024x684.jpg 1024w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/abusive-men-gaslight-their-partners-768x513.jpg 768w" sizes="(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px" /></p> <h3>Blame-Shifting and Scapegoating</h3> <p>Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of gaslighting involves the abuser’s complete refusal to accept responsibility for their behavior. They consistently make you responsible for their actions, emotions, and choices through sophisticated blame-shifting tactics.</p> <p>Gaslighters often employ DARVO tactics—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. When confronted about their behavior, they deny wrongdoing, attack your character or credibility, then position themselves as the real victim in the situation. This manipulation technique is particularly effective because it exploits your empathy and desire for harmony.</p> <p>The scapegoating aspect involves making you the repository for all relationship problems. Every argument, every tension, every failure becomes your fault in some twisted way. The gaslighter twists situations to make you feel guilty for raising legitimate concerns, creating a dynamic where you end up apologizing for their <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/is-my-husband-abusive/">abusive behavior</a>.</p> <h3>Discrediting and Isolation</h3> <p>Sophisticated gaslighters work systematically to undermine your credibility with others, spreading rumors or sharing private information to portray you as emotionally unstable. Their goal is often to damage the person&#8217;s credibility, making others question your reliability, honesty, and reputation. They might tell friends, family members, or coworkers that you’re &#8220;mentally ill,&#8221; &#8220;dramatic,&#8221; &#8220;resentful&#8221;, or &#8220;delusional.&#8221;</p> <p>This discrediting campaign serves to isolate you from potential sources of support and validation. When you try to seek help or perspective from others, you may find that the gaslighter has already poisoned those relationships with their false narrative about your mental state.</p> <p>The isolation becomes particularly effective when combined with phrases like “Everyone agrees with me” or “Ask anyone—they’ll tell you I’m right.” This tactic makes you feel completely alone in your perception of reality, deepening the self-doubt that keeps you trapped in the abusive dynamic.</p> <h3>Love-Bombing and Hoovering</h3> <p>Many gaslighters alternate their abusive tactics with periods of excessive affection and promises of change. This “love-bombing” creates a trauma bond that keeps victims attached to their abusers despite the ongoing psychological damage.</p> <p>“Hoovering”—named after the vacuum cleaner brand—involves drawing victims back with love and promises of change whenever they show signs of leaving or seeking independence. The gaslighter suddenly becomes the person you fell in love with, showering you with attention and making elaborate promises about how things will be different.</p> <p>These compassionate words become weapons used to avoid consequences and maintain control. The temporary kindness creates false hope and prevents victims from taking decisive action to protect themselves. This cycle of abuse and false reconciliation is one of the most psychologically damaging aspects of gaslighting relationships.</p> <h2>Signs and Symptoms of Gaslighting</h2> <p>Recognizing the signs and symptoms of gaslighting is a courageous and essential step in your healing journey toward protecting your mental well-being and reclaiming the truth of your own experience. We understand that gaslighting represents a deeply painful form of emotional abuse that can feel overwhelming and confusing, often leaving you questioning your own perceptions and wondering if what you&#8217;re experiencing is real. By learning to identify these warning signs, you&#8217;re taking a powerful step toward honoring your inner wisdom, breaking free from unhealthy relationship patterns, and creating the safe, trusting space you deserve in your life—a journey toward healing that is not only possible, but one we believe you have the strength to navigate.</p> <h2>Impact of Gaslighting on Victims</h2> <p>Gaslighting systematically breaks down a person’s trust in themselves, creating psychological damage that often persists long after leaving the abusive situation. The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports that 74% of female domestic violence victims also experienced gaslighting, highlighting how this form of emotional abuse accompanies other types of harm. Victims of gaslighting may develop PTSD after leaving an abusive relationship.</p> <h3>Mental Health Effects</h3> <p>The mental health consequences of experiencing gaslighting are severe and wide-ranging. Victims frequently develop anxiety and panic attacks from living in constant uncertainty about their own perceptions and memories. The chronic stress of having your reality challenged creates a state of hypervigilance that exhausts the nervous system.</p> <p>Depression often follows as victims lose confidence in their judgment and abilities. The constant invalidation of your thoughts and feelings leads to profound hopelessness and emotional numbness. Many survivors report feeling like they’re “going crazy” or losing their grip on reality entirely. Experiencing gaslighting can lead to a high risk of suicidal thoughts among victims.</p> <p>Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms commonly develop in response to psychological abuse. Victims may experience flashbacks to particularly brutal gaslighting episodes, nightmares about their abuser, and severe anxiety responses to situations that remind them of their trauma.</p> <p>In severe cases, the psychological damage can lead to suicidal thoughts and self-harm behaviors. When your entire sense of reality has been systematically destroyed, the pain can feel unbearable. Mental health professionals emphasize that these responses are normal reactions to abnormal treatment, not signs of personal weakness.</p> <p>The cognitive impacts include significant difficulty concentrating and making decisions. When you’ve been trained to doubt your own judgment, even simple choices become overwhelming. This decision paralysis can persist long after leaving the gaslighting relationship.</p> <h3>Emotional and Psychological Impact</h3> <p>The emotional toll of gaslighting centers around profound loss of self-esteem and self-worth. Victims learn to see themselves through their abuser’s distorted lens, internalizing criticism and developing deep shame about their own thoughts and feelings.</p> <p>Chronic self-doubt becomes a defining characteristic of gaslighting survivors. You constantly second-guess your instincts, memories, and reactions, having learned that trusting yourself leads to conflict and invalidation. This self-doubt extends far beyond the abusive relationship, affecting decisions about career, friendships, and future intimate relationships.</p> <p>Fear of speaking up or expressing opinions develops as a protective mechanism. After repeatedly having your perspectives dismissed or attacked, you learn to stay silent to avoid conflict. This self-silencing behavior can persist for years after escaping the abusive situation and it can take some time to reclaim your voice.</p> <p>The confusion about what is real or true represents one of the most disorienting aspects of gaslighting recovery. Survivors often struggle to distinguish between legitimate memories and manufactured doubt, requiring professional support to rebuild their reality-testing abilities. Working with a trusted person or mental health professional can help survivors gain perspective on their experiences, making it easier to understand and process what happened.</p> <p>Isolation from friends and family members often results from the gaslighter’s systematic campaign to undermine your relationships. You may have withdrawn from loved ones to avoid the shame of your situation or because your abuser convinced you that others see you as unstable or problematic.</p> <p><a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/codependency-in-marriage-what-it-is-and-what-to-do-about-it/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Codependency</a> frequently develops as victims become increasingly dependent on their abuser for guidance and reality-checking. This learned helplessness can make it extremely difficult to trust your own judgment in future relationships, leading to patterns of seeking external validation for basic decisions.</p> <p><img decoding="async" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-14083" src="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/counseling-is-effective-against-gaslighting-and-abuse-trauma.jpg" alt="finding a therapist at Therapevo Counseling is an excellent way to overcome the effects of gaslighting" width="1200" height="800" srcset="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/counseling-is-effective-against-gaslighting-and-abuse-trauma.jpg 1200w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/counseling-is-effective-against-gaslighting-and-abuse-trauma-300x200.jpg 300w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/counseling-is-effective-against-gaslighting-and-abuse-trauma-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/counseling-is-effective-against-gaslighting-and-abuse-trauma-768x512.jpg 768w" sizes="(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px" /></p> <h3>Physical and Social Consequences</h3> <p>The chronic stress of psychological abuse manifests in numerous physical symptoms. <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/how-to-tell-if-you-have-ptsd-the-signs-you-need-to-watch-for/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Sleep disturbances</a> and chronic fatigue are common as your nervous system remains in a constant state of alert. Your body struggles to rest when your mind is perpetually questioning reality and anticipating the next attack.</p> <p>Headaches and stress-related physical symptoms frequently develop from the ongoing tension of living with gaslighting. Some survivors report digestive issues, muscle tension, and other somatic complaints that reflect the body’s response to sustained psychological trauma.</p> <p>Social functioning often deteriorates as the psychological damage affects your ability to maintain healthy relationships and professional responsibilities. You may struggle to concentrate at work, withdraw from social activities, or feel unable to trust new people in your life.</p> <p>Academic or work performance typically declines as the mental and emotional resources needed for success are consumed by the constant internal battle over reality and self-worth. Many survivors report significant career setbacks during and after gaslighting relationships.</p> <p>Financial dependence on the abuser often develops as the psychological manipulation undermines your confidence in your ability to function independently. This economic control becomes another tool of abuse, making it harder to leave the harmful relationship.</p> <h3>Impact on Children</h3> <p>When children witness or experience parental gaslighting, the developmental consequences can be severe and long-lasting. Academic performance and social relationships often suffer as children struggle to concentrate and form healthy attachments with peers.</p> <p>Behavioral problems and emotional regulation difficulties emerge as children try to cope with an unstable reality and unpredictable environment. They may become hypervigilant or develop anxiety responses that interfere with normal childhood development.</p> <p>Children in gaslighting households often feel pressure to “record keep” and help the victimized parent recall incidents, placing them in an inappropriate role as witness and validator. This premature responsibility can lead to anxiety disorders and difficulty with age-appropriate independence.</p> <p>The confusion about healthy relationship dynamics that results from growing up with gaslighting can affect children’s ability to form secure attachments and recognize red flags in future relationships. They may normalize psychological manipulation as a typical part of love and commitment.</p> <p>Long-term effects on self-esteem and emotional well-being often persist into adulthood, requiring therapeutic intervention to develop healthy self-trust and relationship patterns. Children who experience gaslighting may struggle with their own sense of reality and require professional support to heal from these early traumatic experiences.</p> <h2>How to Respond to Gaslighting</h2> <p>Recognizing gaslighting is the first step toward protection and healing. While every situation is unique, mental health professionals have identified several effective strategies for responding to psychological manipulation and beginning the recovery process. As part of your recovery, it is important to seek support from trusted individuals or organizations, such as friends, family, therapists, or support groups.</p> <p>Recovery from gaslighting takes time and often requires professional support from mental health resources. It’s important to remember that healing is possible, and many survivors go on to develop strong, healthy relationships built on mutual respect and trust.</p> <h3>Immediate Protection Strategies</h3> <p>The most crucial initial step involves learning to trust your instincts when something feels wrong. If you feel confused, constantly off-balance, or find yourself questioning your memory and perceptions in a relationship, pay attention to these warning signs. Your emotional well-being depends on honoring these internal alarm bells.</p> <p>Documenting incidents by keeping private records or journals provides essential protection against gaslighting tactics. Write down conversations immediately after they occur, noting specific words used and your emotional reactions. This documentation helps counter the gaslighter’s denial and provides you with concrete evidence of their manipulative behavior.</p> <p>Keep your records completely private and secure. Many survivors use password-protected digital documents, voice memos on their phones, or physical journals hidden from their abuser. Some even email detailed accounts to trusted friends to create an external record that cannot be discovered or destroyed.</p> <p>Gathering evidence through texts, emails, and recordings (where legally permitted) can provide crucial validation when you begin to doubt your own perceptions. Screenshots of contradictory messages or recordings of gaslighting conversations can serve as powerful reality checks when your abuser tries to deny their behavior.</p> <p>However, avoid arguing or reasoning with the gaslighter about their tactics. Engaging with their manipulation often provides them with more ammunition for psychological attacks. Instead, focus on the abuser’s actions rather than their words, recognizing that what they do matters more than their explanations or promises.</p> <p>Creating <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/how-to-set-boundaries-in-a-kind-way/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">clear boundaries</a> around acceptable behavior becomes essential for protecting your mental health. This might involve refusing to engage in circular arguments, leaving situations when gaslighting begins, or clearly stating that certain behaviors are unacceptable regardless of their justifications.</p> <h3>Building Support Networks</h3> <p>Breaking the isolation that gaslighters create requires deliberate effort to maintain connections with people who respect and validate your experiences. Share your situation with trusted friends, family members, or counselors who can provide perspective and reality-checking when you feel confused.</p> <p>Choose your confidants carefully, focusing on people who listen without judgment and support your autonomy rather than trying to control your decisions. Avoid sharing with anyone who has a relationship with your abuser or who tends to minimize emotional abuse.</p> <p>Joining support groups for survivors of emotional abuse provides connection with others who understand your experience. Many communities offer in-person groups, while online forums and virtual meetings provide accessible alternatives for those who cannot attend in-person sessions.</p> <p>Contact domestic violence organizations for guidance and resources, even if you haven’t experienced physical violence. Many people don’t realize that emotional abuse hotlines serve anyone experiencing psychological manipulation, not just those facing immediate physical danger.</p> <p>Reaching out to mental health professionals for therapy and counseling provides <a href="https://therapevo.com/domestic-abuse-trauma/">specialized support for trauma recovery</a>. Look for therapists who have specific experience with emotional abuse and understand the unique challenges faced by gaslighting survivors.</p> <h3>Safety Planning</h3> <p>Creating comprehensive safety plans tailored to your individual situation becomes crucial when gaslighting escalates or occurs alongside other forms of abuse. Recognize that emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence, and plan accordingly for your protection.</p> <p>Keep important documents and emergency contacts easily accessible in case you need to leave quickly. This includes identification, financial documents, medical records, and contact information for support services. Consider keeping copies with trusted friends or in a secure location outside your home.</p> <p>Plan safe ways to <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/when-to-leave-an-abusive-marriage/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">leave if the relationship becomes dangerous</a>. This might involve identifying safe places to stay, transportation options, and financial resources. Develop a code word with trusted friends or family members that signals you need immediate help.</p> <p>If you’re in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call emergency services. In the USA, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) provides 24/7 support and can help you develop a comprehensive safety plan tailored to your specific situation. In Canada, the same kind of service is available at 1-877-977-0007.</p> <p>For those experiencing workplace gaslighting, document incidents and report them to human resources or appropriate supervisors. Consider consulting with an employment attorney if the behavior constitutes harassment or creates a hostile work environment.</p> <h3>Recovery and Healing</h3> <p>Remember that gaslighting is never your fault—it reflects the abuser’s need for control and their inability to handle healthy relationships. This psychological manipulation is about their character defects, not your inadequacies or sensitivity.</p> <p>Practice self-compassion while rebuilding trust in yourself. Healing from gaslighting requires patience and gentleness as you learn to honor your own perceptions again. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would show a good friend recovering from trauma.</p> <p>Work with <a href="https://therapevo.com/our-team/cara-pederson/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">mental health professionals</a> to address trauma and self-doubt through specialized therapeutic approaches. Trauma-informed therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and other evidence-based treatments can help you process your experiences and develop healthy coping strategies.</p> <p>Gradually reconnect with your own reality and perceptions by paying attention to your emotional responses and trusting your instincts. Start with small decisions and work up to larger choices as your confidence rebuilds. Notice how your body feels in different situations and use this somatic awareness as a guide.</p> <p>Be patient with the healing process—recovery takes time and rarely follows a linear path. Expect setbacks and difficult days, understanding that healing from psychological trauma is a gradual process that unfolds differently for each person.</p> <p>If you&#8217;re younger, consider specialized programs designed for young adults affected by gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse. These programs often provide comprehensive support including individual therapy, group counseling, and life skills training to support long-term recovery.</p> <h2>FAQ</h2> <h3>How can you tell the difference between gaslighting and normal disagreements?</h3> <p>Gaslighting involves systematic patterns of manipulation aimed at making you doubt your reality, while normal disagreements involve different perspectives without attacking your sanity or memory. In healthy disagreements, both parties can express their views without one person denying the other’s basic perceptions or experiences. Gaslighting includes deliberate tactics like lying, denying obvious facts, and making you question your mental stability. Normal relationship conflicts focus on resolving issues, while gaslighting seeks to control and destabilize the other person.</p> <h3>Can gaslighting happen in professional settings, and what does it look like?</h3> <p>Yes, workplace gaslighting occurs when supervisors or colleagues undermine your credibility, deny conversations about work assignments, or dismiss your concerns about workplace issues. Examples include claiming they never gave certain instructions, blaming you for their mistakes, or portraying whistleblowers as irrational or incompetent. Racial gaslighting and gender-based gaslighting in workplaces often involves denying discriminatory experiences or minimizing bias incidents. Workplace relationships can become toxic when power imbalances enable this form of psychological abuse.</p> <h3>Is it possible for someone to gaslight unintentionally?</h3> <p>While some gaslighting behaviors may stem from learned defense mechanisms or past trauma, the impact on victims remains harmful regardless of intent. Unconscious gaslighting might occur when someone deflects blame or denies reality to protect their self-image, but it still damages the other person’s sense of self and perception of reality. Whether intentional or not, repeated patterns of reality-distortion and blame shifting constitute emotional abuse that requires professional intervention and behavior change.</p> <h3>How long does it typically take to recover from gaslighting abuse?</h3> <p>Recovery time varies depending on the duration and severity of the abuse, individual resilience, and access to professional support. Rebuilding trust in your own perceptions and judgment can take months to years with proper therapy and support from mental health professionals. Many survivors benefit from trauma-informed therapy, support groups, and specialized programs designed for emotional abuse recovery. The healing process is rarely linear, and patience with yourself is essential for sustainable recovery.</p> <h3>What should you do if you recognize gaslighting behaviors in yourself?</h3> <p>Acknowledging these behaviors is an important first step toward change and seeking professional help from a mental health provider. Work with therapists to understand the underlying causes, which may include past trauma, personality disorders, or learned behaviors from childhood experiences with abuse. Take responsibility for the harm caused to others and commit to developing healthier communication and relationship patterns through therapy. Mental health concerns underlying gaslighting behavior require professional treatment to prevent continued harm to yourself and others.</p>

<p>Discovering that your partner might be struggling with sex addiction can feel overwhelming and frightening. You may be experiencing confusion, deep hurt, or uncertainty about your next steps. If you&#8217;re asking yourself, &#8220;Is my partner a sex addict?&#8221; this article is here to provide you with the understanding and clarity you deserve during this difficult time.</p> <p>Sexual addiction, also known as compulsive sexual behavior or hypersexual disorder, is a complex mental health condition that affects many individuals and the people who love them. Recognizing the signs and understanding the true nature of sex addiction becomes a powerful starting point for addressing its impact on your partner, your relationship, and your emotional well-being.</p> <h3>Key Points in This Article</h3> <ul> <li><strong>Understanding Sex Addiction:</strong> Sex addiction is a mental health condition rooted in emotional and psychological wounds, characterized by compulsive behaviors similar to other addictions, affecting about 3% to 10% of the population.</li> <li><strong>Distinguishing Sex Addiction from Healthy Sexuality and Porn Addiction:</strong> Unlike healthy sexuality, which fosters emotional connection, sex addiction involves secrecy, shame, and behaviors used to avoid difficult emotions, often linked with broader compulsive sexual activities and pornography use.</li> <li><strong>Signs, Symptoms, and Causes of Sex Addiction:</strong> Signs include loss of control, preoccupation with sexual thoughts, risky behaviors, and continuation despite negative consequences, often caused by trauma, family background, neurochemical factors, and co-occurring mental health conditions.</li> <li><strong>Treatment and Support Options for Sex Addiction:</strong> Effective treatment includes individual, group, and couples therapy, sometimes medication, and support groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous, focusing on managing urges, addressing emotional wounds, and rebuilding trust.</li> <li><strong>Supporting Partners and Moving Toward Recovery:</strong> Supporting a partner involves encouraging professional help, honest communication, boundaries, and patience, with recovery being a long-term process that can restore trust and foster emotional healing.</li> </ul> <h2>What Is Sex Addiction?</h2> <p>Sex addiction is a real, tangible challenge rooted in deeper emotional and psychological wounds—not simply a relationship issue or a matter of willpower. It&#8217;s crucial for you to understand that sex addiction isn&#8217;t caused by a lack of love or attraction toward you; rather, it stems from underlying psychological struggles that require specialized, professional support.</p> <p>Sex addiction mirrors other addictions, such as substance abuse, involving compulsive behaviors, intense cravings, and difficulty stopping despite devastating consequences. Studies suggest that sex addiction may affect about 3% to 10% of the general population in North America. Additionally, sex addiction occurs more frequently in men than women, with research indicating that for every two to five males with hypersexuality, one woman is affected.</p> <p>This article explores what sex addiction truly is, how it differs from healthy sexuality, the underlying causes, and the proven treatment options available for those ready to reclaim their lives from this condition.</p> <h3>Defining Sex Addiction</h3> <p>Sex addiction is often misunderstood, creating confusion about what actually constitutes compulsive sexual behavior versus a healthy sexual appetite. It&#8217;s important for you to understand that sex addiction isn&#8217;t simply having a high sex drive or enjoying frequent sexual activity with your partner.</p> <p>Healthy sexuality involves intimacy, closeness, and affection that foster emotional growth and deeper connection between you and your partner. In contrast, compulsive sexual behavior is characterized by using sexual acts to avoid difficult emotions, ultimately leading to significant amounts of shame, lies, betrayal and alienation within your relationship.</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img decoding="async" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-14048" src="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sadness-isolation-for-partner-of-sex-addict.jpg" alt="image showing hte sadness and isolation that comes from sex addiction for a partner or spouse" width="1200" height="800" srcset="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sadness-isolation-for-partner-of-sex-addict.jpg 1200w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sadness-isolation-for-partner-of-sex-addict-300x200.jpg 300w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sadness-isolation-for-partner-of-sex-addict-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sadness-isolation-for-partner-of-sex-addict-768x512.jpg 768w" sizes="(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px" /></p> <h3>Sex Addiction vs. Porn Addiction</h3> <p>Sex addiction is also distinct from porn addiction, though the two can be interconnected. While some individuals struggling with sex addiction may frequently engage in pornography or phone sex, sexual addiction encompasses a much broader range of compulsive sexual behaviors.</p> <p>These behaviors include reckless sexual activity, excessive masturbation, frequent one-night stands, infidelity, paying for sexual services, seeking out strangers for sexual encounters, or involvement with sex workers and strip clubs. Cheating on you as their partner is a behavior that arises from the compulsive nature of sex addiction, creating even deeper wounds in your relationship.</p> <p>Moreover, sex addiction is not synonymous with sex offending, although many sex offenders may also struggle with sexual addiction.</p> <h3>Criteria for Sex Addiction</h3> <p>Mental health professionals rely on specific criteria to identify this disorder, including:</p> <ul> <li>Loss of control over sexual actions and compulsive behaviors despite repeated efforts to stop.</li> <li>Preoccupation with sexual thoughts and fantasies that dominate daily life.</li> <li>Inability to fulfill personal, professional, or relational obligations due to compulsive sexual behavior.</li> <li>Continuation of sexual activities despite devastating consequences such as relationship breakdown, legal problems, or physical and mental health deterioration.</li> <li>Escalation of sexual behaviors to satisfy increasing cravings.</li> <li>Experiencing withdrawal symptoms when unable to engage in sexual acts.</li> </ul> <p>For example, your partner may find themselves engaging in inappropriate sexual conduct even when it puts their work and/or personal health at risk or interferes with their daily responsibilities.</p> <h3>Sex Addiction Assessments</h3> <h4>Sex Addiction Screening Test &#8211; Revised (SAST-R)</h4> <p>This is one of the most widely used screening tools, which has been used in at least eight published, peer-reviewed empirical studies, and is routinely used in practice at several inpatient residential treatment centers, and by certified sex addiction therapists (CSATs) across the United States, and in other countries (Carnes et al., 2012).</p> <p>Originated in 1989, and has been subsequently revised to adjust to homosexual or female populations. In our practice, we use this as part of a larger assessment called the SDI which is a very comprehensive bundle of assessments which form an effective basis for planning treatment of sexual addiction.</p> <p>However, it is freely available on the Internet and is a great tool to use at the start of therapy to begin to understand the severity of your partner&#8217;s addiction.</p> <h4>PATHOS</h4> <p>Because the SAST is a little bit long, some folks also developed an assessment called PATHOS.</p> <p>It’s just six questions long and has had a couple of studies done already to establish its validity (Carnes et al, 2012):</p> <ol> <li>Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts? (Preoccupied)</li> <li>Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others? (Ashamed)</li> <li>Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like? (Treatment)</li> <li>Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior? (Hurt)</li> <li>Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire? (Out of control)</li> <li>When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? (Sad)</li> </ol> <p>If your spouse answers &#8220;yes&#8221; to 3 or more of those questions, we gently recommend that you reach out to a <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/husband-sex-addict-divorce/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Certified Sex Addiction Therapist</a> who can walk alongside you on this healing journey. Please remember that this is an informal assessment, and there&#8217;s always the possibility of false positives or negatives—connecting with a qualified, compassionate clinician will help you gain the clarity and support you deserve for a proper understanding of your situation.</p> <p>We encourage you to approach self-diagnosis with care and kindness toward yourself. For instance, you might consider the example of a 22-year-old who is struggling with pornography—perhaps viewing it once a week. He could easily answer yes to 4, 5, or even 6 of those questions, but labeling him as a sex addict would really overstate and misrepresent the true nature of his challenge and potentially cause unnecessary distress. Many of the young adults we&#8217;ve had the privilege of supporting through pornography concerns find their path to recovery and maintain lasting sobriety after just 10 to 14 counseling sessions.</p> <p>In contrast, someone with a more complex sex addiction typically embarks on a deeper 3 to 5-year therapeutic journey to build the robust foundation of sobriety and healing they deserve. Your journey is unique, and there&#8217;s hope and specialized care available no matter where you find yourself today.</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img decoding="async" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-14047" src="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sex-addict-in-dark-room.jpg" alt="the hidden nature of addiction shown as a man sitting alone in the dark" width="1200" height="800" srcset="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sex-addict-in-dark-room.jpg 1200w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sex-addict-in-dark-room-300x200.jpg 300w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sex-addict-in-dark-room-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/sex-addict-in-dark-room-768x512.jpg 768w" sizes="(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px" /></p> <h3>The Addictive Cycle</h3> <p>As compulsive sexual behaviors escalate, individuals often experience intense excitement or heightened arousal that reinforces the addictive cycle, making it even harder to break free. This cycle is influenced by the type of dopamine response triggered by different types of sexual stimuli or behaviors, which can further entrench the addiction.</p> <p>These signs and symptoms reflect a serious impulse control disorder that deserves the addict&#8217;s attention and compassionate care. There are various types of proven therapy available to address sex addiction, and treatment is often tailored to your partner&#8217;s individual needs and any co-occurring mental health conditions.</p> <p>If you&#8217;re concerned about your own or your partner&#8217;s behaviors, take a moment to journal about the patterns you&#8217;ve noticed. This can help you determine whether these behaviors fit the patterns of sex addiction and guide you toward the support you both deserve.</p> <h2>Differences Between Addictive and Healthy Sexuality</h2> <p>Understanding the contrast between addictive and healthy sexuality can help you gain clarity about whether your partner&#8217;s sexual behaviors might indicate a serious problem.</p> <h3>Characteristics of Addictive Sexuality</h3> <p>Addictive sexuality often involves <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/how-shame-perpetuates-porn-addiction/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">shame</a>, secrecy, and dishonesty, frequently compromising personal values and creating self-destructive patterns. It may rely on fear, reenact childhood abuse, disconnect individuals from their authentic selves, and foster a world of unreality.</p> <p>Addictive sexuality also often includes controlling behaviors or overwhelming urges, as individuals struggle to manage or suppress their sexual impulses. This addiction relates to emotional disconnection and unhealthy patterns in how your partner engages with sexual behaviors, significantly impacting their overall well-being and your relationship.</p> <h3>Characteristics of Healthy Sexuality</h3> <p>Conversely, healthy sexuality promotes positive self-worth, operates within a clear value system, uses intimacy to deepen your connection, and supports emotional regulation and authenticity. It respects boundaries, embraces imperfection, and creates mutually satisfying and consensual experiences.</p> <p>Healthy sexuality also involves managing conflict and emotions in constructive ways, emphasizing honest and respectful approaches to relationships and personal growth.</p> <h2>Signs and Symptoms of Sex Addiction</h2> <p>If your partner is experiencing compulsive sexual behavior, you may recognize patterns in their life that extend far beyond healthy sexual expression.</p> <p>They might find themselves feeling overwhelmed by urges to engage in sexual activities—whether through excessive masturbation, frequent pornography use, phone sex, cybersex, or seeking multiple partners—that feel impossible to control, even when these behaviors are causing distress or significant harm to their wellbeing, your relationship, or their daily responsibilities.</p> <p>That feeling of being unable to stop, despite repeated attempts to regain control, is something many people face on this challenging journey. This ongoing struggle can leave your partner feeling unsatisfied, anxious, or carrying deep shame, and you may notice them spending excessive time and energy on sexual pursuits while other important areas of their life suffer.</p> <p>Recognizing these signs is actually a powerful first step in your healing journey together. If your partner is struggling with overwhelming sexual impulses or finding it challenging to manage these urges, please know that reaching out for support from a therapist or qualified healthcare professional is not only important—it&#8217;s a courageous act of self-care that you both deserve.</p> <p>Early intervention can make a profound difference in helping your partner reclaim control and significantly improve both of your overall wellbeing. You both deserve compassionate, specialized support, and positive change is not only possible but absolutely achievable with the right guidance.</p> <h2>Causes of Sex Addiction</h2> <p>You may be wondering why your spouse has become addicted to sex, perhaps even speculating if you are to blame. Listen: it is not your fault!</p> <p>Sex addiction rarely develops due to shortcomings in married sex; it often stems from a complex interplay of personal history prior to marriage, pre-existing mental health conditions, and environmental factors.</p> <h3>Role of Family Background and Trauma</h3> <p>Family backgrounds play a significant role, with many individuals struggling with sex addiction coming from families that are rigid (77% of addicts) and emotionally disengaged (87%).</p> <p>A striking majority of people struggling with sexual addiction report histories of childhood trauma, including emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. In fact, surveys of this population indicate high prevalences of these issues:</p> <ol> <li>Emotional abuse: 97%</li> <li>Sexual abuse: 81%</li> <li>Physical abuse: 72%</li> </ol> <p>These early adverse experiences can leave deep emotional wounds that contribute to compulsive sexual behaviors as a maladaptive coping mechanism. In fact, studies show that a high percentage of people with sex addiction have experienced trauma or co-occurring mental health conditions. Early family dynamics and trauma impact children, shaping their later behaviors and emotional responses into the symptoms you may be observing today.</p> <h3>Influence of Pornography and Internet Chat Rooms</h3> <p>What about pornography?</p> <p>Pornography and internet chat rooms can act as catalysts or gateways that amplify sexual addiction by providing easy access to sexual stimuli that fuel obsessive sexual thoughts and urges. The chemical response—particularly the release of dopamine—plays a key role in compulsive sexual behavior, reinforcing the cycle of addiction.</p> <p>While pornography addiction is often a component of sex addiction, it is important to note that pornography addiction often exists without sex addiction. Most sex addicts are also porn addicts. Most porn addicts are <u>not</u> sex addicts.</p> <h3>Neurobiological Factors</h3> <p>Compulsive sexual behaviors are reinforced by chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which are released during sexual activity and create powerful feelings of pleasure and reward. This neurobiological process is similar to what occurs in many addictions, where repeated dopamine release rewires neural pathways and sustains compulsive behaviors. The type of neurotransmitter most involved in reinforcing these behaviors is dopamine, which is central to the brain&#8217;s reward system.</p> <p>These neurochemicals create a great deal of intensity during peak acting-out moments that cannot be replicated in healthy sexuality. This is what makes sexual behavior in this context addictive. One key shift in recovery becomes the addict&#8217;s willingness and commitment to pursue intimacy over intensity.</p> <h3>Co-occurring Mental Health Conditions</h3> <p>Other mental health conditions, such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and substance abuse—or other co-addictions—frequently co-occur with sexual addiction. These overlapping challenges can complicate diagnosis and recovery, making professional help from healthcare professionals such as we employ, specializing in mental health and addiction recovery, absolutely vital for your partner&#8217;s healing journey.</p> <p><img decoding="async" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-14046" src="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/emotional-distance-disconnection-from-sex-addiction.jpg" alt="a couple with distance between them, symbolizing the emotional disconnection that comes from sex addiction" width="1200" height="800" srcset="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/emotional-distance-disconnection-from-sex-addiction.jpg 1200w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/emotional-distance-disconnection-from-sex-addiction-300x200.jpg 300w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/emotional-distance-disconnection-from-sex-addiction-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/emotional-distance-disconnection-from-sex-addiction-768x512.jpg 768w" sizes="(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px" /></p> <h2>Impact on Relationships</h2> <p>When sex addiction enters your relationship, the emotional devastation you&#8217;re experiencing is both valid and profoundly difficult to navigate. Your <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/betrayed-by-your-husband-5-things-you-need-to-know/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">feelings of betrayal</a>, hurt, and shattered trust aren&#8217;t just understandable—they&#8217;re a natural response to having your emotional safety compromised. Many partners of sex addicts experience these emotions as they navigate the broken trust and its impact on their relationship.</p> <p>Your spouse&#8217;s sex addiction can also lead to feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem, as you may question your own worth or role in the relationship. This emotional impact is a natural response to the challenges posed by addiction and highlights the importance of seeking support for both partners. Both you and your partner need to focus on your individual well-being to prevent burnout during the healing process.</p> <p>You deserve to know that the confusion and uncertainty you&#8217;re facing about moving forward is something we see every day in our practice, and there is a clear path through this pain. What transforms relationships isn&#8217;t just time, but creating that essential foundation of open, honest communication where both you and your partner can express your deepest feelings without judgment and begin authentic healing together.</p> <p>The journey to rebuild trust after such profound betrayal requires tremendous courage, but I want you to know that restoration is not only possible—it&#8217;s something we witness regularly when couples commit to the healing process with proper support. Rebuilding trust demands consistent effort from both partners, including open communication and mutual accountability.</p> <p>Your intimacy and connection can be rebuilt stronger than before, though we understand this may feel impossible right now, especially if you&#8217;re feeling isolated or emotionally overwhelmed by your partner&#8217;s behaviors. As experts who&#8217;ve guided countless individuals through this exact journey, we know that understanding the nature of sex addiction becomes your most powerful tool for reclaiming your relationship and your peace of mind.</p> <p>Working alongside a <a href="https://therapevo.com/couples-counseling/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">specialized therapist</a> or connecting with others who truly understand your experience will provide you with proven strategies to process these overwhelming emotions, establish healthy communication patterns, and develop a personalized roadmap that leads you back to trust, intimacy, and the relationship you deserve.</p> <h2>Treatment for Sex Addiction</h2> <p>If you are asking, <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/is-my-spouse-a-sex-addict/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">&#8220;Is my partner a sex addict?&#8221;</a> and suspect that their compulsive sexual behaviors are causing harm, know that there is genuine hope for recovery and transformation. Treatment for your partner&#8217;s sex addiction is multifaceted, addressing not only the sexual behaviors but also the underlying emotional and psychological wounds, as well as the emotional needs of both you and your partner.</p> <p>Early signs of problematic patterns can sometimes be noticed even during the dating phase, so recognizing these behaviors early becomes a powerful advantage in your healing journey.</p> <h3>Types of Therapy</h3> <p>There are several types of proven therapy available for sex addiction, including individual therapy, group therapy, and eventually couples counseling. In some cases, medications may be used as part of a comprehensive treatment plan to address co-occurring mental health conditions.</p> <p>The most effective form of treatment for sex addiction involves varying types of therapy, which focus on addressing the root causes of compulsive behaviors and providing you both with practical tools for lasting recovery. Therapy remains the most common and accessible approach to managing and overcoming sex addiction.</p> <p>Therapies often begin with individual counseling focused on impulse control disorders and managing obsessive sexual thoughts and urges. Emotion-focussed individual therapy (EFIT), trauma therapy and attachment work are frequently the starting points for addressing sex addiction effectively.</p> <p>For effective treatment, it&#8217;s essential to address specific traits and behaviors such as secrecy, denial, and boundary violations. In more severe cases where individual therapy with weekly or biweekly sessions is not creating lasting sobriety, inpatient programs lasting several weeks may be necessary to provide intensive support and structure. However, inpatient rehab is rarely necessary for the treatment of sex addiction.</p> <p>Recovery is typically a long-term process that requires significant time, effort, and emotional commitment from both you and your spouse.</p> <h3>Support Groups</h3> <p>Participating in support groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous is highly encouraged, as these groups provide a community of understanding and accountability, which is crucial for sustaining sobriety and preventing a return to addictive behaviors.</p> <h3>Treatment for Partners</h3> <p>For you as the partner coping with a loved one&#8217;s sex addiction, the emotional toll can be immense, often resembling betrayed partner trauma. Feeling neglected or emotionally abandoned is a common experience for partners of individuals struggling with sex addiction.</p> <p>Honest conversation, professional guidance, and support groups for partners can help you navigate difficult emotions like self-doubt, anger, and grief. Disclosure of the addiction should be handled carefully and, ideally, with the support of mental health professionals to prevent further harm to your relationship.</p> <p>It&#8217;s important for you to expect emotional ups and downs, possible relapses, and the need to set realistic expectations for the recovery journey. <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/how-do-i-know-when-i-can-trust-my-spouse-after-betrayal/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">Rebuilding trust after betrayal</a> requires consistent, transparent, and accountable actions over time to restore the foundation of your relationship.</p> <p>Your ability to recognize and respond to problematic behaviors, as well as to communicate your needs clearly, is essential for healing. Establishing boundaries is a critical step in creating emotional safety for both partners during the recovery process.</p> <p>The goal of treatment isn&#8217;t to dwell on the past, but to move toward recovery, reconnection, and a healthier relationship for both you and your partner.</p> <h3>Addressing Co-occurring Conditions</h3> <p>Treatment options also include addressing co-occurring mental health conditions, such as mood disorders and anxiety, which may contribute to the compulsive sexual behavior. Integrating therapy for substance abuse or other addictive disorders is often necessary for comprehensive care.</p> <p>For those unable to attend in-person sessions, <a href="https://therapevo.com/sex-addiction-counseling/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">online therapy options are available</a>, providing accessible and flexible support for individuals seeking help with sex addiction.</p> <p><img decoding="async" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-14045" src="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/rebuilding-connection-in-recovery-from-sex-addiction.jpg" alt="image of a couple holding hands because they are now in recovery from sex addiction" width="1200" height="800" srcset="https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/rebuilding-connection-in-recovery-from-sex-addiction.jpg 1200w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/rebuilding-connection-in-recovery-from-sex-addiction-300x200.jpg 300w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/rebuilding-connection-in-recovery-from-sex-addiction-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https://therapevo.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/rebuilding-connection-in-recovery-from-sex-addiction-768x512.jpg 768w" sizes="(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px" /></p> <h2>Seeking Professional Help and Moving Forward</h2> <p>If you&#8217;re struggling with questions about your partner&#8217;s sex addiction, seeking professional help is a critical step toward reclaiming your peace of mind and your relationship. Licensed therapists trained in treating sexual addiction can provide personalized care that respects your partner&#8217;s personal values, religious beliefs, and unique circumstances.</p> <p>They can help uncover the underlying issues driving compulsive sexual behaviors and guide both of you toward healing and genuine recovery. As you move forward, it&#8217;s important to regularly check in with yourself and your partner about progress and behaviors.</p> <p>Regularly monitoring for signs of relapse or ongoing issues can help you stay aware and address concerns early in your journey. Look for specific examples of behaviors or scenarios that may indicate sex addiction, such as secrecy, dishonesty, or repeated patterns of acting out.</p> <p>Joining a <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/6-porn-groups-to-help-your-recovery/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">support group</a> or listening to a podcast led by an experienced host in sex addiction recovery can also provide valuable guidance and community support during this challenging time.</p> <p>Your journey toward managing sexual addiction and restoring emotional well-being is challenging but absolutely possible. With compassion, honesty, and professional support, many individuals and couples find hope and <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/exploring-the-links-between-attachment-style-and-porn-or-sex-addiction/" target="_self" rel="noopener noreferrer">healing beyond the pain of sexual obsession and reckless sexual activity</a>.</p> <p>If you or your partner are dealing with compulsive sexual behavior or the aftermath of a partner&#8217;s sex addiction, consider scheduling a consultation with licensed mental health professionals who specialize in treating sex addiction and related mental health conditions. Taking this step can be the beginning of a healthier, more fulfilling life for you and your relationship.</p> <h2>Maintaining Sobriety and Personal Growth</h2> <p>Your journey toward lasting sobriety and meaningful personal growth in sex addiction recovery is one of the most courageous paths you can take—and you don&#8217;t have to walk it alone. Continuing to work with your therapist provides you with proven tools and refined strategies that don&#8217;t just help you manage urges, but actually transform how you experience emotional well-being and reclaim your sense of control.</p> <p>Building a strong support network—whether through trusted friends, understanding family members, or specialized support groups—creates the accountability and encouragement that becomes your foundation for lasting change. Setting realistic goals and celebrating every step forward, no matter how small it may seem, keeps you connected to your progress and fuels the motivation that carries you through challenging moments.</p> <p>When you prioritize self-care, embrace regular movement, and develop effective stress management techniques, you&#8217;re not just reducing relapse risk—you&#8217;re actively building the balanced, fulfilling lifestyle you deserve. Remember, your personal growth is an ongoing journey of discovery, and by continuing to nurture your emotional well-being and strengthen your relationships, you&#8217;re creating the foundation for the sobriety and happiness that&#8217;s truly within your reach.</p> <p>With your commitment and the right support surrounding you, overcoming sex addiction isn&#8217;t just possible—it&#8217;s the beginning of the healthier, more authentic future you&#8217;re meant to live.</p> <h2>Frequently Asked Questions</h2> <h3><strong>What is sex addiction and how does it differ from healthy sexuality?</strong></h3> <p>Sex addiction is a complex mental health condition characterized by compulsive sexual behaviors that are used to avoid difficult emotions, leading to shame and betrayal. Unlike healthy sexuality, which fosters emotional growth and intimacy, sex addiction involves secrecy, dishonesty, and behaviors that can harm relationships and personal well-being.</p> <h3><strong>How can I tell if my partner might be struggling with sex addiction?</strong></h3> <p>Signs of sex addiction include loss of control over sexual behaviors despite efforts to stop, preoccupation with sexual thoughts, engaging in risky sexual activities, secrecy, and continuing behaviors despite negative consequences. If your partner exhibits these patterns, it may be helpful to seek professional assessment and support.</p> <h3><strong>What are some common underlying causes of sex addiction?</strong></h3> <p>Sex addiction often stems from a combination of factors such as family backgrounds characterized by emotional disengagement or rigidity, histories of childhood trauma like abuse, influences of pornography and internet chat rooms, neurobiological factors involving dopamine and other chemicals, and co-occurring mental health conditions like mood or anxiety disorders.</p> <h3><strong>What treatment options are available for sex addiction?</strong></h3> <p>Treatment typically includes individual therapy, group therapy, couples counseling, and sometimes medication to address underlying issues. Evidence-based approaches focus on managing urges, addressing emotional wounds, and rebuilding trust, with support groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous also playing a vital role.</p> <h3><strong>How can I support a partner who is struggling with sex addiction and rebuild trust in our relationship?</strong></h3> <p>Supporting a partner involves encouraging professional help, practicing honest communication, establishing healthy boundaries, and participating in therapy together if appropriate. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort, but with compassion, patience, and proper support, recovery and a stronger connection are possible.</p>

<div id="model-response-message-contentr_c0e63d339019d644" class="markdown markdown-main-panel stronger enable-updated-hr-color" dir="ltr"> <p>Loving someone who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is a journey many walk but few discuss openly. As the partner, you stand in a unique and often challenging place. You may feel confused by triggers, hurt by what feels like rejection, and helpless in your desire to connect with the person you love. The past trauma can feel like a third person in your marriage, impacting everything from sexual intimacy to everyday affection.</p> <p>You are not alone in this. And more importantly, there is hope.</p> <p>Healing is possible, not just for the survivor, but for the relationship. We invited author, speaker, and survivor Mary DeMuth to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@normalize-therapy"><i>Normalize therapy</i></a> for a compassionate and practical conversation. She and her husband, Patrick, have navigated this path and offer a rare window into the journey from both sides.</p> <p>https://youtu.be/XcpGYV0JfJ8</p> <p>Here is an edited transcript of our conversation, offering practical wisdom for partners who are committed to loving their spouse toward healing.</p> <h2>Meet Mary DeMuth: A Survivor&#8217;s Perspective</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> Mary, thank you so much for joining us. Your willingness to speak on difficult topics like this is a lifeline for so many. Before we dive in, for listeners who may not be familiar with your story, could you share a little bit about why this topic is so close to your heart?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> Yeah. So as you mentioned, I am a survivor of sexual assault in, uh, several different kinds of forms, primarily one year as a kindergartner, uh, for multiple times. And so there&#8217;s just a lot of sexual brokenness there.</p> <p>Knowing the statistics and knowing how many people, whether men or women who have been sexually assaulted&#8230; it deeply impacts your intimate relationships. And&#8230; no one ever talked to us about it, and it was not an easy climb out of that hole. So I just am here to offer some hope because there were many years where I felt hopeless about it.</p> <h2>The &#8220;Hottie For Your Honey Seminar&#8221;: Why Culture Gets Sex Wrong for Survivors</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> In one of your articles, Mary, you described being at a woman&#8217;s conference where the speaker was exhorting women to be a &#8220;hottie for your honey&#8221;. And&#8230; your description of feeling so uncomfortable and out of place&#8230; you also use the phrase of feeling like a &#8220;skinny girl at a sumo wrestling seminar,&#8221; that kind of really powerful image of feeling alienated. Can you talk about that gap between the common cultural or church narrative about marital sex and the actual reality for survivors of childhood sexual abuse?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> I remember sitting in that room&#8230; and I was so mad. I knew the statistics and I knew that between anywhere from 40 to 75% of those women had been sexually assaulted in some way. And for them to be forced or pressured&#8230; to act a certain way, was hard enough for someone with no injury, but&#8230; almost impossible for someone with sexual injury.</p> <p>There&#8217;s two problems. One problem is, as a survivor of sexual abuse, some of the things they were telling us to do were impossible for me, at least at that time.</p> <p>The second part was that in a lot of these spaces&#8230; they&#8217;ll be like, &#8220;Don&#8217;t have sex before marriage&#8221;. Okay, great. The moment you&#8217;re married, then suddenly&#8230; you have to just be a hundred percent okay with everything when you&#8217;ve been told that it&#8217;s bad and awful and terrible up until that point. So if you take those two things together, if you&#8217;re a sexual abuse victim and you&#8217;ve been raised in that kind of evangelical complex&#8230; it makes for a very disappointing and freaked out&#8230; wedding night.</p> <p><b>Caleb:</b> Yeah. And then day of marriage, you&#8217;re supposed to flip a switch&#8230; I can&#8217;t even imagine layering on top of that when you&#8217;re a survivor of sexual violence and your body is just like, &#8220;What? This is safe now?&#8221; It&#8217;s very confusing.</p> <h2>Beyond the Bedroom: When Even a Hug Feels Unsafe</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> And so while it&#8230; makes sense that the sexual intimacy is a huge challenge, you&#8217;ve also written about how trauma affects&#8230; everyday non-sexual affection too. You used&#8230; this beautiful and kind of funny metaphor about it being easier to &#8220;chase an aloof cat&#8221; than to hug your own family sometimes. Can you unpack that for us? How does the trauma footprint extend beyond sex into daily acts of physical touch?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> Well typically, and not always, but typically in an abusive situation, um, your body helps you by disassociating you. For instance, when I was being harmed&#8230; as a five-year-old, I&#8217;d fly up to the top of the trees. I would dissociate from it. And&#8230; that becomes this like safety pattern for you&#8230; this fear of connecting with your body.</p> <p>I also was raised in a home where there was very little affection. I had to beg for it. And so when my kids would be injured, I knew what the right thing to do was. I knew that I needed to comfort them. I needed to wrap my arms around them. &#8230;but that was not innate to me. And I, so I had to tell myself to do those things&#8230; My fallback was to disassociate.</p> <p>And so I had to coach myself internally. Like, &#8220;Your child is crying. They need a hug&#8221;. &#8230;there&#8217;s a huge vulnerability in eye to eye contact or kissing or hugging. You&#8230; open yourself up&#8230; to be harmed if you&#8217;re vulnerable that way.</p> <p><b>Caleb:</b> &#8230;it makes a lot of sense that it does have that reach. And it&#8217;s almost like you had to coach yourself into that&#8230; real time&#8230; to remind yourself, &#8220;Okay, this is safe right here. This is my child.&#8221;</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> Yes, at along with a begging of the Lord, &#8220;Please help me do this naturally&#8221;. &#8230;there was a real ache inside of me of I just&#8230; I&#8217;m tired of coaching myself and I want this to be a natural thing.</p> <h2>The Partner&#8217;s View: &#8220;Why Doesn&#8217;t She Love Me This Way?&#8221;</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> &#8230;just shifting a little bit toward the partner experience. One of the things that you have written about&#8230; is from your husband, Patrick. &#8230;he wrote part of, <i>Not Marked</i>. &#8230;at the end of every chapter, he shares his perspective. For the husband or partner listening right now who feels&#8230; completely lost or just&#8230; unsure, what were some of Patrick&#8217;s initial reactions, uh, misunderstandings when you realized the depth of how your past was impacting your present?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> I think part of the problem was&#8230; myself. When we started dating, I&#8217;ve, I&#8217;m always a very open book&#8230; He knew all about the sexual abuse. But I couched it in, &#8220;But God has healed me&#8221;. Not understanding that the moment I had sex, I would be 100% triggered. Not realizing that I would be on layers and layers and layers of healing for the rest of my life.</p> <p>So&#8230; to be fair to him, I&#8230; did disclose. He thought everything was fine. &#8217;cause I told him it was fine. And the moment we got married&#8230; I just pushed it down because I wanted to be this godly Christian wife. Any sort of&#8230; terror or fear, I just tolerated it. Now that is not fun for a couple.</p> <p>And then&#8230; his bewilderment over, &#8220;Why&#8230; does she have to psych herself up and why doesn&#8217;t she love me this way?&#8221; &#8220;Why is it hard? It&#8217;s like a chore for her, but for me it&#8217;s a delight&#8221;. &#8230;for several years I just pretended&#8230; because I wanted to be a good Christian girl.</p> <p><b>Caleb:</b> &#8230;it makes sense too that when you&#8230; don&#8217;t really have a frame for fully understanding what&#8217;s going on, like perhaps in Patrick&#8217;s case, it&#8217;s easy to blame yourself or to&#8230; interpret it as rejection.</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> 100%. He felt rejected. I mean, it&#8217;s a valid feeling because it happened. &#8230;it wasn&#8217;t intentional. I was&#8230; trying my hardest, but it still feels that way.</p> <p>I think&#8230; he even said once he was just&#8230; really, really mad at those neighborhood boys that did that to me as a 5-year-old&#8230; because they stole something from our marriage. And I agree they did.</p> <h2>The Turning Point: From Helpless Anger to Empathetic Partner</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> In one article I read Patrick wrote with incredible honesty about his own journey from feeling helpless and angry&#8230; to becoming a safe place for you. What&#8230; was that turning point for him?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> When I was writing, <i>Not Marked</i>&#8230; he started reading some books about&#8230; trauma and sexual trauma and his eyes were really open. And he&#8230; was like, &#8220;Oh my gosh&#8230; You are trying so hard. And you, I thought you weren&#8217;t trying at all&#8221;.</p> <p>&#8230;there&#8217;s this metaphor&#8230; I talked about this maze&#8230; I was at the end of the maze and there were a hundred obstacles before I would make it to the end. He was at toward the end of the maze and had to make maybe two or three turns to get to the end. &#8230;he finally realized that I was at the back of the maze and I was just beginning my journey. &#8230;he thinks we&#8217;re starting at the same place. But I&#8217;m way back here.</p> <p><b>Caleb:</b> &#8230;it makes a ton of sense. And I&#8230; love the fact that he read books too. &#8230;it sounds like that was a real turning point for him just getting educated about the experience of survivors.</p> <h2>Practical Advice for Partners: How to Rebuild Safety and Trust</h2> <h3>Initiating Intimacy Without Causing a Trigger</h3> <p><b>Caleb:</b> What practical advice can you offer partners on how to initiate intimacy, both emotional and physical, in a way that feels safe and honoring to their survivor spouse?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> A sexual abuse victim had no agency&#8230; and obviously no intimacy before that happened. &#8230;a sexual abuse victim feels raped, even though it is not the intention of the spouse. They would be completely devastated to hear that. But it&#8217;s a reality.</p> <p>And so you have to be extra cautious about&#8230; approaching your spouse if you&#8217;ve done no deposits into the relational bank. [We] will just feel so used, like &#8220;I&#8217;m just a body to you.&#8221; &#8230;it will trigger us back.</p> <p>Now that&#8217;s a different thing&#8230; than them doing something that triggers you. So that&#8217;s, that requires an honest conversation. &#8230;it&#8217;s very delicate. But I found that as we were more honest in those areas&#8230; there was a relief that came. &#8230;it&#8217;s better if we&#8217;re honest, even though it&#8217;s&#8230; so scary. &#8230;once we&#8230; jumped over that hurdle, things got&#8230; so much better.</p> <h3>The &#8220;High Dive&#8221;: Inviting Your Partner into Emotional Connection</h3> <p><b>Caleb:</b> Patrick described a division of you on a high diving board, afraid to jump into the family pool below&#8230; representing fully-present emotional engagement, connection, togetherness. &#8230;how can a partner gently and patiently encourage their spouse&#8230; to risk emotional connection without applying pressure that makes them retreat further?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> I think he did a good job in creating that emotional word picture for me, because I literally would not have known that I was disconnected had he not given me that picture. &#8230;it caused me to say to the Lord&#8230; &#8220;I don&#8217;t wanna be the one on the high dive&#8230; Please help me to jump in&#8221;.</p> <p>&#8230;the motivation wasn&#8217;t &#8220;You need to fix yourself.&#8221; It&#8217;s, &#8220;No, we wanna have fun together&#8221;. And that&#8217;s a whole different kind of way to approach it. It&#8217;s a compassionate way to approach it.</p> <p><b>Caleb:</b> So it&#8217;s&#8230; definitely not&#8230; &#8220;We need to push her into the pool,&#8221; as much as like &#8220;We&#8217;re having fun.&#8221; And it&#8217;s so, it sounds very invitational.</p> <h3>Healing Isn&#8217;t a Solo Mission: Why Both Partners Need to Do the Work</h3> <p><b>Caleb:</b> You mentioned&#8230; a powerful concept from Dr. Dan Allender&#8230; that healing is more effective when the non-abused spouse&#8230; also explores their own childhood wounds—be they &#8220;stab wounds or pinpricks&#8221;. How did it change the dynamic in your marriage when Patrick began exploring his own story? &#8230;why is this &#8220;we&#8217;re in this together&#8221; approach so much more powerful than a dynamic of&#8230; the &#8220;broken one&#8221;?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> Yeah. That was our dynamic for so long&#8230; I was the broken one. He was the&#8230; normal one. &#8230;as he began to look at his&#8230; home of origin and there were plenty of little&#8230; pieces of trauma in there, I finally felt like it was two people working on their brokenness together versus me always being the broken one. That changed everything. &#8230;it was more like we&#8217;re on the same playing field. We all have wounds. &#8230;we were both broken&#8230; and we were working on it together.</p> <h3>What to Do When Your Spouse Isn&#8217;t in Therapy</h3> <p><b>Caleb:</b> Let&#8217;s talk about a situation many of our listeners are in: their spouse, the survivor, is not yet in therapy. Their past is unaddressed, perhaps even unspoken. &#8230;what are the first, most crucial steps for a partner when professional help isn&#8217;t yet part of the equation?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> Well, I mean, for me, that was true for us. But it wasn&#8217;t for lack of wanting. We just didn&#8217;t have financial means to get counseling. &#8230;so what I did during that time and what I would encourage people to do is I had to be counseled and mentored through books. And that&#8217;s what my spouse did as well.</p> <p>You can&#8230; ask a spouse&#8230; &#8220;Hey, if you really wanna understand what I&#8217;m going through, this should give you a good idea&#8221;. I think that&#8217;s an&#8230; honest request. It&#8217;s not a forcing, it&#8217;s just a request.</p> <h3>How to Support Your Partner <i>During</i> Their Therapy Journey</h3> <p><b>Caleb:</b> And then for the&#8230; partner whose spouse <i>is</i> in therapy&#8230; their healing work can sometimes feel like a private and mysterious process. What is the partner&#8217;s role there? How can they support that journey without intruding&#8230;?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> I think it starts with a decision by the both of you to be honest and to say, &#8220;I&#8230; need to know what you&#8217;re going through, but I will let you lead&#8221;. &#8230;the trauma survivor should have agency. &#8230;to be able to say, &#8220;I had a really hard counseling session today. I&#8217;m not ready to talk about it right now, but give me a week&#8221;. &#8230;and&#8230; if you can create the kind of marriage that the other person is offended by that&#8230; they can say, &#8220;Okay, I can wait&#8221;. You have to understand that trauma never is quick and uh, processing through it is never quick.</p> <h2>A Final Word of Hope for the Partner Who Feels Stuck</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> Mary, for the partner listening who feels hopeless, uh, and maybe even quite stuck right now, what&#8217;s the single most important piece of&#8230; encouragement&#8230; that you would give them&#8230;?</p> <p><b>Mary:</b> &#8230;the most important thing in our walk with Christ is our&#8230; growth. &#8230;we grow through a cruciform life and often the Lord will use other people in our lives where we have to take up our cross daily and follow him. And so if you can shift your perspective from &#8220;That person is hurting me, making me mad, and rejecting me&#8221; to &#8220;Jesus, understood what this was like&#8230; This can be a part of my discipleship journey and growing closer to Christ&#8221;.</p> <p>&#8230;if you can get to that place, it&#8217;s really quite beautiful&#8230; It&#8217;s about &#8220;Jesus grow me and use this difficulty&#8221;.</p> <h3>Resources from Mary DeMuth</h3> <p>During our conversation, Mary mentioned several powerful, free resources for survivors and their partners. You can find her work and these tools at <a href="https://wetoo.org"><b>WeToo.org</b></a>.</p> <ul> <li><b>21-Day Email Freebie:</b> A free, three-week email series detailing best practices for healing from sexual abuse and trauma.</li> <li><b>Sexual Abuse Impact Quiz:</b> This quiz, included with the 21-day freebie, is a concrete, printable tool. It helps survivors identify the specific ways the abuse impacts them today, giving them clear language to share with their partner and open up a more concrete, eye-opening conversation.</li> <li><strong>We Too: How the Church Can Respond Redemptively to the Sexual Abuse Crisis</strong> get Mary&#8217;s book on <a href="https://amzn.to/4hudlNu">Amazon</a>.</li> </ul> <h3>Start Your Healing Journey Together</h3> <p>This journey is not easy, but it is one you do not have to walk alone. Mary&#8217;s story is a powerful testament that healing is possible, and that a marriage can become stronger and more intimate, not in spite of the trauma, but by navigating it together with compassion and courage.</p> <p>If your spouse&#8217;s past trauma is casting a shadow over your present, our team of specialized therapists at Therapevo is here to help. We provide expert, compassionate care for couples navigating the complex impacts of trauma. You can build a new path forward, one defined by safety, understanding, and connection.</p> <p>We invite you to book a <a href="https://therapevo.com/trauma-therapy/childhood-sexual-abuse-trauma-therapy/">free, confidential 20-minute consultation</a> with our team.</p> </div>

<div id="model-response-message-contentr_6dca77f7a30d551d" class="markdown markdown-main-panel stronger enable-updated-hr-color" dir="ltr"> <p>For many performers, the voice can feel like a mystery. You practice the techniques, you know the music, but a persistent block, chronic tension, or crippling stage fright holds you back from your true potential. What if the root of that struggle isn&#8217;t in your technique, but in your history?</p> <p>The body keeps a score of our experiences, and for a singer, whose very instrument is their body, the <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/childhood-trauma-adult-life-healing/">impact of past trauma</a> can be profound. Unresolved trauma can manifest as physical &#8220;body armoring,&#8221; a deep sense of being unsafe on stage, and a destructive inner critic.</p> <p>To explore this powerful connection, Therapevo’s Caleb Simonyi-Gindele sat down with our colleague <a href="https://therapevo.com/our-team/ron-de-jager/">Ron de Jager</a>. Ron lives at the unique intersection of world-class performance and clinical counselling. As a Doctor of Musical Arts, an accomplished vocalist, and a specialist therapist, he offers a unique and compassionate perspective on what it takes to heal the instrument and set your voice free.</p> <p>https://youtu.be/h67KrGHF7hg</p> <p>Here is a polished transcript of their conversation.</p> <hr /> <h2>Why is a singer’s experience of trauma so profoundly different?</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> For our listeners, can you start by explaining one of the powerful statements from your research: &#8220;A singer&#8217;s body is his or her instrument.&#8221; <span class="citation-224 citation-end-224">Why does that make a singer&#8217;s experience of trauma so profoundly different?</span></p> <p><b>Ron:</b> I started as a pianist, so my instrument was here in front of me. It was me and the instrument, and the audience was there. Then all of a sudden, you take that away and it&#8217;s just me. <span class="citation-223 citation-end-223">That becomes a much more vulnerable situation.</span></p> <p>When you&#8217;re vulnerable, more things will start to show up. We might be a little bit naive in thinking that we&#8217;ve got it masked and covered very well, but sometimes the audience is pretty perceptive. <span class="citation-222 citation-end-222">No matter our best job at covering it, our body will still show certain things. </span>As a singing teacher, I started to become aware of those things, like, &#8220;Where is that showing up, why is it showing up, and what is it indicative of?&#8221; <span class="citation-221 citation-end-221">It&#8217;s a symptom of something rather than just being the problem.</span></p> <p><span class="citation-220 citation-end-220">Just something like getting nervous—if you get a little nervous when you&#8217;re speaking, the voice can start to quiver, you don&#8217;t get enough breath underneath it, and all of a sudden you squeak and crack. </span><span class="citation-219 citation-end-219">That body stuff might show up more for singers than other kinds of musicians because it&#8217;s just you and your voice out there.</span></p> <h2>How can past trauma manifest in a singer’s performance?</h2> <p><b><span class="citation-218">Caleb:</span></b><span class="citation-218 citation-end-218"> You&#8217;ve said that trauma affects the entire organism—physical, mental, social, and spiritual. </span><span class="citation-217 citation-end-217">Can you give us an example of how a past trauma, like childhood sexual abuse, might manifest in a singer&#8217;s voice or performance in a way that most of us would probably not even recognize?</span></p> <p><b>Ron:</b> For sure. Especially if it&#8217;s undealt with, it can show up physically in different ways. Some things that I&#8217;ve noticed with singers is locking through the lower abdominal areas, through the solar plexus, and right into the pelvis. <span class="citation-216 citation-end-216">It can be in the knees and the buttocks as well.</span> All those areas will just lock and get tense. <span class="citation-215 citation-end-215">It can be jaw or tongue tension as well. </span><span class="citation-214 citation-end-214">You can see it sometimes if the individual is really trying to get sound out without releasing; you can see trembling in the lower abdominal area.</span></p> <p>Jaw tension is often a position of &#8220;we&#8217;re not going to let anybody in.&#8221; In a place where you&#8217;re trying to express very openly and freely, when you&#8217;re not letting people in, people can see something&#8217;s going on there. <span class="citation-213 citation-end-213">If the tongue is really tense, it will pull the larynx high, which means you&#8217;re going to have to work extra hard.</span> Imagine if we&#8217;ve got tension here, and here, and we&#8217;re trying to make a free sound—how much that&#8217;s going to hold the singer back, not just in their sound, but in their storytelling. <span class="citation-212 citation-end-212">You&#8217;re working against all these roadblocks.</span></p> <h2>How can singing be both healing and re-traumatizing?</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> Many people see singing as a joyful and expressive act. <span class="citation-211 citation-end-211">How does unresolved trauma create a paradox where the very act of singing can be both a source of potential healing and, simultaneously, a source of re-traumatization?</span></p> <p><b>Ron:</b> Music is such an amazing healer, and we can never underestimate that. From a singer&#8217;s standpoint, the fact that we have to inhale from a really deep place and then release breath—that breathing itself is cathartic. <span class="citation-210 citation-end-210">But then feeling that all of a sudden we can make sounds, that we actually have a voice and that voice matters.</span></p> <p><span class="citation-209 citation-end-209">Often with abuse, the voice is squelched, physically or psychologically.</span> If there was ever a time when the individual felt that their voice didn&#8217;t matter, all of a sudden it starts to matter. You have something worth saying. <span class="citation-208 citation-end-208">And you don&#8217;t have to just say it with words; you can say it with music added to it, because there&#8217;s so much more behind it.</span></p> <p>At the same time, it can be retraumatizing. I never really thought about this until I was working with singers more and I would ask them to breathe low. You’d think, &#8220;Why can&#8217;t they let go? Just breathe.&#8221; But especially if there&#8217;s been childhood sexual abuse, we&#8217;re asking them to release the very part of their body where they were violated. <span class="citation-207 citation-end-207">There&#8217;s no wonder they can&#8217;t.</span> So this is a much more gentle process, and you have to be patient. It&#8217;s about finding that space that&#8217;s safe to let go. <span class="citation-206 citation-end-206">That part can be incredibly healing—letting go of the violation as well while you&#8217;re breathing.</span></p> <h2>What is “body armoring” and what are the signs?</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> You use the term &#8220;body armoring.&#8221; <span class="citation-205 citation-end-205">In your work with singers, what are the first things you look for that tell you that their technical struggle is possibly more rooted in trauma rather than a lack of training?</span></p> <p><b>Ron:</b> That&#8217;s a great question. <span class="citation-204 citation-end-204">I think it&#8217;s probably the persistence of whatever technical thing that we&#8217;re trying to overcome, that there&#8217;s just no release in it.</span> When you listen to a singer, some things you watch for are physical things. Is there actual holding on? Is there tension? How about the release of breath? <span class="citation-203 citation-end-203">Can they actually just sigh and make it sound consistent?</span></p> <p>Then the actual sound can tell you a fair amount. The rate of vibrato, which is just a natural wave if the voice is free. If that vibrato is typically really fast, we call that a tremolo. If it gets really wide, we call that a wobble. <span class="citation-202 citation-end-202">That can be from a lack of proper breath movement or hypertension through here. </span>The sound can tell you a lot. And lastly, how they interpret a piece. <span class="citation-201 citation-end-201">Are there certain pieces that are traumatic for them that they just can&#8217;t connect with?</span><span class="citation-200 citation-end-200">Maybe it&#8217;s too close to home for them to connect with where they&#8217;re at in their journey.</span></p> <h2>How does attachment history make the stage feel unsafe?</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> Performers often seek validation from an audience. <span class="citation-199 citation-end-199">How might a history of insecure attachment, which so often stems from childhood trauma, amplify that need for approval and turn the stage into a place that feels very unsafe?</span></p> <p><b><span class="citation-198">Ron:</span></b><span class="citation-198 citation-end-198"> If there&#8217;s been a time when an <a href="https://therapevo.com/podcasts/the-5-pillars-of-attachment/">attachment has been broken</a>, especially between primary caregivers like a father or mother, it definitely transfers over into, &#8220;We want to be accepted and we want to be good enough.&#8221; </span>Especially if a parent expected more of a child, and what they did was never good enough. <span class="citation-197 citation-end-197">No matter how hard the child strove, they could never reach that full approval.</span></p> <p>If we translate that into going in front of an audience, it&#8217;s almost like the performer can put the burden of the response on the audience before they&#8217;ve even performed. <span class="citation-196 citation-end-196">&#8220;I know that they&#8217;re not going to like me because my technique isn&#8217;t up to snuff, and Sally Jane, who just sang before me, is a much stronger singer. They&#8217;re going to like her better.&#8221; </span>All those thoughts are racing through someone&#8217;s head. That&#8217;s a huge burden to carry. <span class="citation-195 citation-end-195">And then to say, &#8220;I&#8217;ve got this incredible message I want to share with you,&#8221; and yet it&#8217;s hampered by all this going on in the mind.</span></p> <p>It&#8217;s just the hamster wheel. <span class="citation-194 citation-end-194">It&#8217;s exhausting.</span> So working through where that lack of validation started and how is it different now? And taking that burden off the audience. <span class="citation-193 citation-end-193">What if we actually allow them to just respond however they&#8217;re going to respond? </span><span class="citation-192 citation-end-192">It’s about trusting the process more than trying to exert so much control over it.</span></p> <h2>Can trauma cause a literal or psychological loss of voice?</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> You wrote, &#8220;When the silenced voice is that of a singer, issues of both childhood sexual abuse and singing are compounded.&#8221; Can you unpack that a little bit? <span class="citation-191 citation-end-191">Are we talking about a literal loss of vocal function, a psychological block, or both?</span></p> <p><b>Ron:</b> It can be both. There&#8217;s something called Muscle Tension Dysphonia, which can come from a variety of things, and one of them is trauma. I have worked with singers who have experienced trauma and within a few days, lost their voice because something traumatic happened. The muscles through here get really tight. <span class="citation-190 citation-end-190">So it can be psychological that affects the physical, for sure.</span></p> <p>Another one is called Mutational Falsetto or Puberphonia. That can happen with young men when they&#8217;re going through puberty. It just means the voice doesn&#8217;t change. <span class="citation-189 citation-end-189">Typically the voice will drop an octave, but with Puberphonia, they&#8217;ll go right through it and the voice won&#8217;t drop.</span><span class="citation-188 citation-end-188">Those are sometimes indicative of something traumatic that&#8217;s happened where the young man just can&#8217;t get through into that lower voice.</span></p> <h2>How can a teacher create safety and avoid triggering a student?</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> It was fascinating to read that even specific pedagogical exercises can be triggering for a singer. <span class="citation-187 citation-end-187">When a singer works with you, how do you create that sense of safety that allows them to explore their voice without that fear of being re-traumatized?</span></p> <p><b><span class="citation-186">Ron:</span></b><span class="citation-186 citation-end-186"> I just discovered this more and more into my years of teaching, when I started to become more sensitive towards things that could possibly be triggering. </span>For example, alignment and breathing are the basics of singing. I would get students to stand against a wall to line their body up and feel their shoulders opening back. Some of those positions can be a little bit triggering. If I open my chest up wide, it&#8217;s a very open, vulnerable position. <span class="citation-185 citation-end-185">You need to be really sensitive to what you&#8217;re asking.</span></p> <p>Next is breathing. If they&#8217;re having a lot of body armoring, especially in the lower region, you find creative ways. Sometimes we can sit on the edge of a chair and bend forward to feel what&#8217;s happening. Sometimes that position might not be the best. <span class="citation-184 citation-end-184">Sometimes we&#8217;ll hang over to connect—that can be very triggering for somebody.</span><span class="citation-183 citation-end-183">And also just being aware of your position in the room so that they&#8217;re in no way feeling uncomfortable. </span><span class="citation-182 citation-end-182">It&#8217;s about being incredibly sensitive and creating a space where, if an exercise isn&#8217;t easy for them, you can be more creative and try something else.</span></p> <h2>What does the beginning of the therapeutic journey look like for a performer?</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> Imagine a professional singer comes to you feeling stuck. Maybe they&#8217;ve lost their upper range or are battling crippling performance anxiety. <span class="citation-181 citation-end-181">What does the beginning of that journey with you look like, and how do you build that foundation of trust?</span></p> <p><b>Ron:</b> I think just creating a space where it&#8217;s okay for them to make ugly sounds. Whatever&#8217;s going on—&#8221;I lost my upper range,&#8221; &#8220;I push when I get to my&#8230;&#8221;—those types of things. <span class="citation-180 citation-end-180">It&#8217;s, &#8220;You know what, that&#8217;s okay. There are many who have gone before you.&#8221; </span>Just creating that space where you just don&#8217;t have to be perfect. <span class="citation-179 citation-end-179">There is no perfect singer.</span></p> <p>I like to say, &#8220;Let’s just make some ugly sounds and see what&#8217;s going on.&#8221; Just freely going on a discovery adventure together, like, &#8220;Let&#8217;s see what we find!&#8221; <span class="citation-178 citation-end-178">The permission to not have it all together opens up space for curiosity, which opens up space for new learning, discovery, and healing. </span>It&#8217;s a free space. Let&#8217;s just go find what we&#8217;re going to find, and it&#8217;s okay to find whatever. <span class="citation-177 citation-end-177">Let&#8217;s look at this together.</span></p> </div> <div id="model-response-message-contentr_6dca77f7a30d551d" class="markdown markdown-main-panel stronger enable-updated-hr-color" dir="ltr"> <h2>Can you share an anonymized story of transformation?</h2> <p><b>Caleb:</b> The goal, of course, is healing and liberation in a person&#8217;s voice and body. Could you share an anonymized story of transformation? <span class="citation-176 citation-end-176">A client who came with a specific block and what they were able to achieve after working through the underlying trauma?</span></p> <p><b>Ron:</b> Yeah, for sure. There&#8217;s one story especially that comes to mind, and this individual has given me her permission to tell her story. A young lady came early on in my career as a professor, and I&#8217;m incredibly grateful for what she taught me. She came to my studio and she was a larger-bodied young lady who looked like she should have a big, huge sound. <span class="citation-175 citation-end-175">And she was very musical, had sung for quite a while.</span></p> <p>We were working in a lesson, and she had this thin, high sound, which is kind of indicative of the larynx being pretty high. We were getting nowhere. <span class="citation-174 citation-end-174">Finally, one day we just stopped and I said, &#8220;Why don&#8217;t you look in the mirror and just say, &#8216;I&#8217;m beautiful.'&#8221; <sup class="superscript" data-turn-source-index="51">51</sup></span><span class="citation-173 citation-end-173">She looked and said, &#8220;I&#8217;m beautiful,&#8221; and I said, &#8220;Maybe we could try that with a little bit more believing behind it.&#8221;</span></p> <p><span class="citation-172 citation-end-172">And then she broke down and started to explain the trauma that had happened in her life.</span> I wasn&#8217;t a counselor at the time, but we recommended that she go and talk to somebody. She did, and she started working through this. <span class="citation-171 citation-end-171">She lost a significant amount of weight, which actually really affected her voice.</span> It&#8217;s almost like she lost that voice and we had to start rebuilding from the bottom up. <span class="citation-170 citation-end-170">She was singing soprano and she turned into this beautiful, big mezzo voice.</span> She went on to her bachelor&#8217;s and master&#8217;s in singing and has taught for quite a while. <span class="citation-169 citation-end-169">It&#8217;s just amazing to see that freedom in her story, in her person, and in her singing.</span></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <h2>What is one first step a performer can take toward healing?</h2> <p><b><span class="citation-168">Caleb:</span></b><span class="citation-168 citation-end-168"> For that performer listening right now and thinking, &#8220;This is me,&#8221; what is one thing you&#8217;d encourage them to do today, after this show ends, to start their journey towards reclaiming their voice?</span></p> <p><b>Ron:</b> I just think it&#8217;s so important that you talk to somebody. <span class="citation-167 citation-end-167">Just to start that journey. </span>In the story of this young lady, she felt safe enough to just say, &#8220;Here&#8217;s my story.&#8221; So just starting to verbalize part of that to anybody who can start walking alongside you. Because stuffing it down just never works. <span class="citation-166 citation-end-166">It&#8217;s going to manifest itself in some way.</span></p> <p><span class="citation-165 citation-end-165">This whole idea that &#8220;the body keeps the score&#8221;—it really does, and it will start to show up. </span>When singers have trauma and they haven&#8217;t ever talked about it, or they&#8217;re stuffing it down hoping no one notices, it&#8217;s going to show up somewhere. So just that initial bit of talking to anybody who can get you on a path towards healing is just so amazing. And it takes a lot of courage. That first step, it&#8217;s the good old &#8220;name it to tame it.&#8221; <span class="citation-164 citation-end-164">There&#8217;s something so powerful about stating your truth and sharing your story.</span></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <h3>Your Healing Journey</h3> <p>This conversation highlights a profound truth: the path to a free and authentic voice is often intertwined with the path of personal healing. Recognizing that a vocal block or performance anxiety may be a message from your past is a courageous first step. You don&#8217;t have to navigate this journey alone.</p> <p>If this story resonates with you and you&#8217;re ready to explore what healing could look like, our team of specialized, compassionate therapists is here to help.</p> <ul> <li><b>Take the first step:</b> <a class="ng-star-inserted" href="https://therapevo.com/trauma-therapy/childhood-sexual-abuse-trauma-therapy/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Book a free, confidential 20-minute consultation</a> with our intake team to find the right therapist for you.</li> <li><b>Connect with Ron:</b> You can learn more about Ron de Jager and his specialized work with performers on his <a class="ng-star-inserted" href="https://therapevo.com/our-team/ron-de-jager/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">bio page</a>.</li> </ul> </div>