Cast On

<p><a target="_blank" href="https://www.ravelry.com/projects/Brenda/ghost-in-the-orchard">Ghost in the Orchard</a>. Four inches from done. I’d stare at the cable chart and the tiny squares would dance. Close my eyes. Open them. Over and over. The hands that made those cables could not remember how cables worked.</p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endel_Tulving">Endel Tulving</a>‘s <a target="_blank" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Encoding_specificity_principle">encoding specificity principle</a>. Godden and Baddeley’s divers learning words underwater. <a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Memory-Palace-Matteo-Jonathan-Spence/dp/0571132391">Jonathan Spence</a>‘s memory palace. And 60% of the total surface of our brains committed to our hands.</p><p>My second sweater - bricky red, carnelian buttons, the physical therapist who inadvertently retired it - became the Gaia Jacket from Jean Moss’s <a target="_blank" href="https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/sources/sculptured-knits">Sculptured Knits</a>. Which became the red cabled vest I’m knitting now. Thirty years of memory in the same wool.</p><p>Serotonin stripped the filters. Melatonin locked the repair. Dopamine lit the paths. Norepinephrine broke the bridge. Memory is where it all comes home.</p><p><strong>Music:</strong> Rore, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/arrival/80981">Arrival</a>; Waveshaper, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/our-time-instrumental/59746">Our Time (Instrumental)</a></p><p>If you’d like to help support the podcast, you can do so via <a target="_blank" href="http://ko-fi.com/brendadayne"><strong>Ko-fi</strong></a> or <a target="_blank" href="https://www.patreon.com/brendadayne"><strong>Patreon</strong></a>, or by spreading the word to a fellow knitter.</p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://brendadayne.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_1">brendadayne.substack.com</a>

<p>Tears in the kitchen. Three bananas on the counter and a recipe I know by heart but cannot, for the life of me, turn into a sequence of actions. </p><p>Seven ingredients. Too many decisions. My brain could not do seven. So I broke it down. Dry ingredients in one bowl. Wet in the other. Three and four. Manageable. The bread was good. I ate it in bed and felt unreasonably proud of myself.</p><p>The <a target="_blank" href="https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2110630118">locus coeruleus</a> is the brain’s attention control room. When <a target="_blank" href="https://academic.oup.com/brain/article/144/8/2243/6174120">norepinephrine</a> depletes, everything arrives at equal volume. A dog barking becomes as important as the eggs.</p><p>An old friend helps out in the kitchen. And the moment when I realised the <a target="_blank" href="https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10148620/">invisible labour</a> I’d been doing for decades had only become visible because I could no longer do it.</p><p><strong>Music:</strong> Jude Cosmo, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/queen-of-angeles-no-oohs-ahhs-instrumental/95100">Queen of Angeles</a>; Waveshaper, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/our-time-instrumental/59746">Our Time (Instrumental)</a></p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://brendadayne.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_1">brendadayne.substack.com</a>

<p>An Eye for an Eye - would the animals we eat, eat us? Impossible Hats. Box Hill Picnic, from Jane Austen’s <em>Emma</em>. Dangerous Questions, where the danger is yours, not your opponent’s. This is what insomniacs get up to at 3am while you are sleeping.</p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://sites.lsa.umich.edu/berridge-lab/">Kent Berridge</a> coined the term <a target="_blank" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incentive_salience">incentive salience</a>. When dopamine runs hot, everything arrives pre-lit with significance. The creativity wasn’t a symptom - it was genuine creative product on the “this matters” signal.</p><p>A <a target="_blank" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desire_path">desire path</a> is a trail worn into the landscape by human feet. Not planned. Just walked so many times it becomes permanent. Some of mine are still here.</p><p>Also: the duck question has a better answer than you think. And the horses are <em>not</em> going to like it.</p><p><strong>Music:</strong> Tony Anderson, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/one-perfect-sunset/76352">One Perfect Sunset</a>; Waveshaper, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/our-time-instrumental/59746">Our Time (Instrumental)</a></p><p>If you’d like to help support the podcast, you can do so via <a target="_blank" href="http://ko-fi.com/brendadayne"><strong>Ko-fi</strong></a> or <a target="_blank" href="https://www.patreon.com/brendadayne"><strong>Patreon</strong></a>, or by spreading the word to a fellow knitter.</p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://brendadayne.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_1">brendadayne.substack.com</a>

<p>From the <a target="_blank" href="https://www.thedictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/">Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows</a>, Nighthawk n. a recurring thought that only strikes you late at night. Mine struck every night for eight weeks.</p><p>Zopiclone is a sledgehammer. Daridorexant is a key. One imposes sleep. The other removes the obstacle to it. There’s a big difference, and finding it changed everything.</p><p>Also: Jasper as Big Spoon. An AI health czar who suggested I should just pour ethanol directly on my brain to save time. And the thing I found at 3am that stayed.</p><p><strong>Music:</strong> Christopher Wohrle, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/dust/93082">Dust</a>; Waveshaper, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/our-time-instrumental/59746">Our Time (Instrumental)</a></p><p>If you’d like to help support the podcast, you can do so via <a target="_blank" href="http://ko-fi.com/brendadayne"><strong>Ko-fi</strong></a> or <a target="_blank" href="https://www.patreon.com/brendadayne"><strong>Patreon</strong></a>, or by spreading the word to a fellow knitter.</p><p></p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://brendadayne.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_1">brendadayne.substack.com</a>

<p>Trimethoprim for a UTI. Seven days. By day three, everything was hysterically funny. By day five, I could hear things that weren’t there. By week two, I couldn’t track yarn overs in garter stitch. <em>Garter stitch.</em></p><p>The projects on my needles when my brain broke <a target="_blank" href="https://www.ravelry.com/projects/Brenda/bradford-road">Bradford Road</a>, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.ravelry.com/projects/Brenda/dark-days">Dark Days</a>, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.ravelry.com/projects/Brenda/ghost-in-the-orchard">Ghost in the Orchard</a> were beyond me for the next four months. The only thing that still worked was drop spindling. Hands remembered what the brain forgot. So I made yarn. </p><p>The weird pantry. Lexical-gustatory synaesthesia from folate antagonism - undocumented, as far as I can tell. There might be a paper in it. Hit me up if you want to write it. I documented everything. </p><p>This is the first episode of <em>Your Brain on Knitting</em> - five short episodes, designed to be listened to back to back. One broken brain. Four neurotransmitters. And the knitting woven through it all. </p><p><em>Music: </em>Hannah Parrott, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/the-feeling/98486">The Feeling</a>; Waveshaper, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.musicbed.com/songs/our-time-instrumental/59746">Our Time (Instrumental)</a></p><p>If you’d like to help support the podcast, you can do so via <a target="_blank" href="http://ko-fi.com/brendadayne"><strong>Ko-fi</strong></a> or <a target="_blank" href="https://www.patreon.com/brendadayne"><strong>Patreon</strong></a>, or by spreading the word to a fellow knitter.</p> <br/><br/>This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://brendadayne.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_1">brendadayne.substack.com</a>