Episode 2: Serpent's Tongue

The fae tune in to Helena in a Handbasket to see who'll win their bet--will Lysander move in along with Hermia? To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out our website at faustiannonsense.com. To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense Episode Two: Serpent’s Tongue Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One INT. PENTHOUSE TITANIA How long before it's live? OBERON Oh my dear, did something happen to your watch? Or your eyesight, to read the clock in the kitchen? TITANIA No. I merely assumed you'd be checking their status on social media every 45 seconds. Am I wrong? OBERON It's about five minutes less than last time you asked me. PUCK She's not wrong, then. OBERON And you, my dear? Are you not watching the road for the moving truck? TITANIA I am not, no. [Guitar tuning] I simply prefer to tune my guitar here, and this chair happens to be next to the window. PUCK Of course, you wanted the spot with the worst possible acoustics. [Annoyed guitar tuning] TITANIA And you, my love? Was that your way of asking if I've seen the moving truck yet? OBERON [Starts to answer but Titania plays a guitar riff as soon as he does] I'm merely-- [Guitar] Titania-- [Guitar, louder] Well, it's understandable that we both want to know the results of our wager! [She lets him finish that sentence] Especially since I'm going to--(win) [Longest guitar riff] PUCK [giggles] Hey, is that them? TITANIA That's an ice cream truck. PUCK You don't know what Lysander drives. TITANIA He doesn't drive at all, according to my friend Cobweb. OBERON I'm sorry, what? Cobweb? TITANIA Yes? OBERON Lysander's been communing with a muse friend of yours and you're just now mentioning this? TITANIA I have, in fact, mentioned it before. It's hardly my fault your memory is fading with age. OBERON My memory is not-- Hey! We made a bet, and you have inside information? TITANIA [patient and smug] We all have inside information, we've been listening to their conversations live on air. OBERON You know what I mean! It's hardly a fair wager, if you have information I don’t. TITANIA [Dropping smugness for a moment] Oh, relax. All I’ve learned from Cobweb is that he’s flighty and “ethically slutty”, which you should have been able to figure out on your own. [Smugness back!] But my dear, if you fear losing to me, you need only say. We can come up with some...forfeit. OBERON [Sputters] I'm NOT saying any such thing! I'm just saying... [Doesn't know what he's saying] I'm just saying the odds should be adjusted, and my winnings increased when Lysander doesn't move in after all. TITANIA The wager has been made. Robin, dearest, what do you think? PUCK In a way, you're both right. OBERON What? PUCK She did tell you, Oberon. About Cobweb. And you shook on the wager. OBERON Whose side are you on? PUCK But really, Titania, what would it hurt to promise more? If you're so sure of yourself? [Threatening riff.] PUCK [amused] Oh hey, looks like it's going live! Scene Two Setting: Mortals’ apartment. HELENA Goooood morning listeners! Today’s the day! It’s move-in day! DEMETRIUS Whoa, hey, watch the ladder! HELENA Sorry, sorry! Are the streamers too much? Here, take the tape. DEMETRIUS Thanks. And no, not ‘too much’, so much as uhm… HELENA What? What is it? DEMETRIUS Streamers are pretty visual. As are the balloons. And banners. And confetti rigs. HELENA So? It’s been five years since I’ve seen Hermia in person, and I’ve known her since we were both 14! I want it to be a big occasion. Therefore, our audience should know we’re celebrating! DEMETRIUS No, sure, yeah, that makes sense. But… But we’re broadcasting audio only, right? HELENA Right. DEMETRIUS So… [beat, as Demetrius realizes Helena is not following] Y’know what, never mind! I’m sure it’ll make the occasion feel extra special. HELENA Exactly! Plus, when she sees this dashing man putting up banners? She’ll be all over you. C’mere I’m going to roll up your sleeves. There, better. You’ll want to flex a little bit. Carrying textbooks everywhere paid off! Show her you’re not some nerd! DEMETRIUS I feel objectified. HELENA Dimi, you trust me, right? DEMETRIUS With all my heart. HELENA Then trust me. Now, for conversation topics, you can check the chart I made for you. It’s in your email. Otherwise, just remember that she’s all about modern art, art history, human history-- DEMETRIUS And she has a boyfriend. HELENA That’s the best part! DEMETRIUS Is it? HELENA Lysander isn’t moving in. Only Hermia is! And you know what they say: out of sight, out of mind… DEMETRIUS [Protesting weakly] Or that absence makes the heart grow fonder. HELENA Trust me, there’s no way this thing with Lysander lasts. Here, move, you’re putting it up crooked. DEMETRIUS Okay, okay! Just hold on, let me steady the ladder. Take it easy-- HELENA She told me he was getting into huffing turpentine, Dimi. DEMETRIUS Ew. HELENA Right? [Beat] Oh. Oh no. DEMETRIUS What? What is it? Are you dizzy? HELENA Visual. The streamers and everything. They’re all visual. Shit. [DEMETRIUS laughs.] We can’t even play the playlist I made! Dimi, this is a disaster! DEMETRIUS What? Why not? HELENA Copyright! DEMETRIUS Oh. Yeah, that’ll do it. HELENA Okay, listeners. Hermia is going to be here any minute now and I know you can’t see it all but-- DEMETRIUS Hel is up a ladder, balanced on top of the ottoman, taping a string of teal paper flowers to the ceiling. While juggling the microphone. It’s extremely unsteady. HELENA It’s cute! And you’ll just have to pretend you can see it all, okay? I’ll take pictures and upload them later. Dimi, take pictures. DEMETRIUS You could not pay me to let go of this ladder. You’d die. HELENA Demetrius, I spent $56.79 on these decorations, and they are going to pay off in audience satisfaction. Then you and Hermia will fall in love. Then Lysander will be out of my life forever. So go get your ancient camera and-- DEMETRIUS Okay, okay! I still think this is a bad idea. [Gets softer as he moves away] HELENA [Mostly to herself] I know you do. But if you had your way, you’d never meet anyone even without quarantine going on. And I know you’re lonely. I can see when you’re sad. You’re too good of a catch to stay lonely. [Aloud proper again] So that’s not going to happen. Not on my watch. Not to my best friend. DEMETRIUS Are you threatening the listeners? HELENA Maybe. No comment. DEMETRIUS Uh-huh. Okay, so what am I taking pictures of? HELENA All of it! You’re about to meet your future wife, Demetrius. Get a little sentimental! It won’t kill you. DEMETRIUS [Sputtering] My what? HELENA Don’t be a baby-- oh! Ah! [She starts falling] DEMETRIUS Hel? Hel, look out! Shit! [He drops the camera and there’s a crunching noise, but he rushes forward to catch Helena in his arms] I’ve got you. HELENA Oh! [Beat] Hah. Um. Thank you. For catching me. DEMETRIUS [A little breathless] Anytime. HELENA You should really see this, listeners. He’s got me in his arms bridal style, like I weigh nothing. It’s super dashing. Bonafide prince charming here. DEMETRIUS [Laughs] You think so? HELENA Yeah. I do. [Beat] Which is why Hermia is going to just adore you! DEMETRIUS Ah. [Sets her down] Oh. The camera broke. HELENA Shit, it did? I guess description is all you guys are getting, then. I’ve gotten a bunch of stuff, y’know? [She moves around and touches the stuff she’s talking about.] The most important part is that we’ve rigged up like ten confetti poppers to go off when the door opens. It’s going to be a mess of shimmery green glitter. The closest I could get to glitter cannons! That way her entrance has a real pop, eh? Get...