Episode 3: Two at Once Will Woo One

Puck brings the mortals a special delivery. To read the full script of this episode, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com. To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense. Episode Three: Two at Once Will Woo One Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One The Mortals’ podcast [Helena in a Handbasket opening] HELENA Hey everybody, welcome back to Helena in a Handbasket. Unfortunately our wifi is suffering under the strain of… unexpected guests. So no more live shows until we can upgrade the router. Or something. Demetrius seemed to know what he was talking about. LYSANDER Are we out of milk? HELENA There is no ‘we!’ You don’t live here! LYSANDER Of course I don’t live here. You think I would be caught dead living in Brooklyn? An artist in Brooklyn. Please! What a played out stereotype. Next you’ll be suggesting a dingy apartment near the Moulin Rouge. Shall I put the absinthe on your bill? HELENA And yet. Here you are. In my room--in Manhattan, I might add--asking if ‘we’ are out of milk. HERMIA [From a distance] Hel, are you yelling at Lysander? HELENA Ugh. [Shouting] No! [Hermia enters Helena’s room] HERMIA Hel, don’t be mean. You promised. Remember? HELENA What I remember is you telling me that I didn’t need to worry about Lysander moving in as well. It’s a two bedroom apartment! And they’re not big rooms! We can’t have four people--! HERMIA Oh my god, can you chill? He just sprained something from moving the couch. HELENA And what was it he sprained again? LYSANDER/HERMIA [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Ankle./Shoulder. ….Shoulder?/...Ankle? LYSANDER My shoulder AND my ankle. I can barely limp to the kitchen for coffee... [LYSANDER limps away] HERMIA The point is that he’s injured and shouldn’t be driving all alone like that! It’s not safe, Hel. HELENA [Back to talking to her audience] As you may remember listeners, Hermia has moved in with me for the time being! Not many people know this, but we actually grew up together. Long before Hermia was a famous instagram influencer, she had pigtail braids and braces! HERMIA Oh my god, stop. HELENA Oh, come on, it was cute! We were kids! HERMIA Helena had headgear. HELENA It’s true. My mom tried to make me feel better about it and told me that it was my halo. Do you remember that? HERMIA I remember you announcing it at a high school cast party. HELENA Turns out folks, when you topple face first onto pavement while wearing headgear, the springy wire thing kinda bounces your whole skull off the ground for a second. HERMIA [Laughing] And that’s why everyone called you Bobble Head after that. HELENA Joke’s on them. Now I get paid to have people laugh at my life. HERMIA You’re the inspiration of the ages, Hel. [Beat] We do need to talk, though. HELENA Jeez, way to give a gal a heart attack! Why would you say that? HERMIA Reality shows are all about intense stakes and high drama! I’m boosting your ratings. HELENA That’s not how podcasts-- HERMIA Hel! I’m serious. I do want to talk with you about this. HELENA About what? HERMIA About Demetrius. [Someone audibly presses pause.] OBERON What? What’s with the gesturing? TITANIA See? I told you! Oh, this is gonna be interesting! These four young, hormonal mortals in a tiny apartment in lockdown? It’s already getting fun! OBERON Well yes, we’ll be getting some good emotions. Helena’s oldest friend is here to help her chase love! TITANIA That’s what you think is going to happen here? OBERON Well, yes. TITANIA If you’re so confident, why did you “help”? OBERON Don’t sound so...sarcastic! I did! I helped things along! PUCK Ahem. OBERON Puck helped things along on my behalf. TITANIA Oh, my love. Only you would expect magical interference to lead to a successful, monogamous relationship. OBERON Well excuse me for trying to be supportive. Maintain our food source. You were all upset I put everything into a few of my best loaves, and afraid that there’d be nothing left since Helena and Demetrius can’t see their feelings. But since I am kind and generous-- TITANIA And so humble. OBERON --I decided to soothe your worries. Just you wait, darling. Things will be made better. TITANIA [Amused] I forget sometimes how cute you are when you’re in way over your head. OBERON Hey! There’s no need for-- TITANIA This was why we always delegated tasks, darling. You’re wonderful at luring people into the unknown, applying the wrath of our court, doling out just desserts. But understanding the actual intricacies of human relationships? You couldn’t tell the difference between a healthy community of humans and a healthy community of gerbils. OBERON Oh please. How hard can it be? You just schmooze all the time. They aren’t complicated creatures. They’re hungry, horny, and sleepy. That’s it. Everything else is a means to serve those ends. [TITANIA laughs] What? TITANIA No, no, it’s fine! Really! I mean, I’m sure you fucked up on astronomical levels, but it can ultimately serve our needs. Love comes in many flavors. Frustration, pining, longing, desiring… OBERON Fancy ways of saying horny. TITANIA I’m surprised you’re so derisive. After all, if your plan to manipulate Helena and Demetrius’ emotions succeeds, the reward will be a whole color palette of different loves from them. Of course, the odds of success are low, so I’ll probably have to rectify things tomorrow. PUCK So--? TITANIA You’ll be running the errand, yes Puck. PUCK That tracks. [Beat] TITANIA What are you waiting for? Hit play! PUCK So… As long as Helena and Demetrius are affected, things are fine? TITANIA So long as it’s their emotions for each other that are being toyed with, yes. PUCK Right. Right, yeah. Sure. I’m sure it’s fine. OBERON ...Puck? What did you do? PUCK Nothing! [Beat] Probably nothing. [They hit PLAY] HELENA You want to talk about Demetrius? Good! I hoped you guys would get along. HERMIA I know, but-- HELENA No, listen. I know I’ve been pushy about it, but to be honest, you two are the most important people in my life, Hermia. I know you just think I’m being mean about Lysander, but he really worries me! And it’s not the alleged open relationship thing, so stop calling me closed minded. Drugs, though? What if he got busted? What if his art never really sells? What if he never ends up carrying his weight and it’s on you to support you both forever? LYSANDER [From the living room] Girl talk is important, but walls are thin. HELENA [Vicious] Good. You keep promising Hermia a decadent life, but from what I can tell, she takes care of you! LYSANDER What, so the man should provide? Helena you really ought to examine some of your internalized misogyny-- HELENA No! That’s not what I’m saying! I’m saying you’re promising things you can’t deliver on and I don’t want my best friend to get hurt! HERMIA Aw, Hel. You don’t have to worry about that. LYSANDER [He bumps the door open and limps in dramatically] Is that what all your acidity is about? Promises? HELENA [Uncomfortable with the scrutiny] Why are you saying that like it’s unreasonable? You shouldn’t tell bald faced lies to your girlfriend! LYSANDER Don’t you dare. HERMIA Helena! We do not use the B-word! It’s like you’ve never even heard of tempting fate! HELENA B-word…? Oh my god. B-- LYSANDER Don’t. HELENA Buh-- LYSANDER Stop it! HELENA Bal-- LYSANDER You are a cruel woman, Helena! HELENA Bald! LYSANDER I can’t take all this toxicity. Hermia, my goddess, I will be locked in the pantry placing our lunch orders. HERMIA Aw, babe no! Don’t let her bully you. There’s no trace of it in your family, there’s no reason to worry-- LYSANDER I will return with your wonton soup, my love. Or not at all. HELENA Hey baldy-bald-bald, do you want my order too, or--? [Her bedroom door slams shut] Yeah. I probably earned that. HERMIA Probably? Hel, you’ve been awful to him. [BEAT] HELENA It really doesn’t bother you? He’s never going to be able to build you your own venetian canals, or paint your house with flowers, or whatever nonsense he’s always spouting. It’s not realistic and you just buy it hook line and sinker, just like with past boyfriends, and then you always get hurt! I was always there to help you pick up the pieces--and I always will be!--but it hurts my heart to see you so heartbroken. You deserve real, honest love,...