Episode 5: Fond Pageantry

Things escalate with the mortals when Hermia drinks some of Puck's concoction. It starts to look bleak for Oberon and Titania...'s favorite podcast. To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense. Episode Five: Fond Pageantry Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One INT. MORTAL’S APT. HERMIA So is this one live, then? HELENA Yeah, we’re live now. On air. HERMIA That is so brave, Helena, just putting yourself out there like that. HELENA Uh, thanks. HERMIA And I mean, it says a lot about how much Demetrius cares about you that he’s cool with it. HELENA What? Oh god, is it too much? I did try to make sure you were comfortable with--(it before you moved in) HERMIA Oh my god, Helena, it’s fine! I’m just saying, Demetrius isn’t exactly a public figure… HELENA You see yourself as a public figure? HERMIA And he’s not exactly a performer, you know? HELENA Ok look, I know I’ve been kinda pushing you two together, but you don’t have to--(insult him) HERMIA He’s like. Really real, you know? HELENA Oh. Yeah, I guess-- HERMIA Just really genuine. And you know I’ll only let the best people be with my girl, right? HELENA ...Oh. Well. [knock on apartment door] DEMETRIUS [coming into the room in a hurry] I’ll get it! None of you brilliant artists should be disturbed from your work. LYSANDER [following] You don’t have to flee the conversation, Demetrius, I was just saying I don’t want you to get too attached. I’m flattered, you’re a beautiful man… DEMETRIUS Oh, Lysander, my beauty can’t hope to compare to yours. LYSANDER [sputtering] Well! That’s very kind, but -- (you shouldn’t) [Demetrius opens the door] PUCK Drama delivery! DEMETRIUS Oh hello, it’s you. Wait what? PUCK [like he’s an idiot] Drizly delivery? What else would I have said? HERMIA What’s this? PUCK This is an apology. Or confession. Whatever works. [exaggerated sympathy] Demetrius, I have to confess. I’ve been listening. Like I said last time, I’m a-- DEMETRIUS A basketcase, yeah. PUCK Exactly. And well, it sounds like you’ve been having difficulties adjusting to some of the changes lately. Am I right? DEMETRIUS Not at all! I’m better than ever! How can I not be, surrounded by such beautiful -- (people) PUCK Yeah, yeah. Come here for a sec? DEMETRIUS What? PUCK Just… a little closer. [Beat. Then a gross MWAH noise, followed by sputtering from DEMETRIUS] That ought to do it! DEMETRIUS [still sputtering] Did you just kiss me? PUCK Yep! You should be fixed now. Oh, but I did want to apologize for all the fuss, so I brought this for you. Your other favorite. DEMETRIUS [warily] I don’t think I want anything from you. PUCK I’m sorry, you’re just one of my favorite podcast personalities! I couldn’t help myself. Take the drink in penance. DEMETRIUS Ok how did you know about this one? I don’t think I’ve ever said anything… HERMIA Demetrius, you didn’t tell me you had such amazing taste in beer! DEMETRIUS Actually I don’t think I’ve told anyone-- HERMIA You know, you really shouldn’t accept drinks from strangers. It’s very risky. And you, you’re very risk-averse, and I respect that about you. I would never, ever ask you to change that. DEMETRIUS It sounds like you just want-- HERMIA Let me take this bullet for you, Demetrius. [opens a can of beer and drinks. Satisfied gasp. From here on out, total flirt with D.] Oh yes, Demi, that was gorgeous. You really do have just like. The best taste. LYSANDER That’s what I’ve been saying. HERMIA Right? And I mean, Demetrius I don’t know if you’ve been staying on top of my Instagram… DEMETRIUS Uh, I mean I follow you. HERMIA Then you should know that my followers just adored your role in my recent posts. You’re my new star model! DEMETRIUS Oh. Uh. Really? Even with the green-- HERMIA And I mean. I thought your idea to wear green lipstick was a bit daring, but somehow it worked, you know? DEMETRIUS My idea? LYSANDER You really do have the soul of an artist, and I can see why you’d be drawn to me. But my soul belongs to Helena, so I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to let you down gently. HERMIA The soul of an artist! That’s it exactly. And I mean, this morning? When you did yoga for your first time? DEMETRIUS I never said it was my first time. HERMIA Oh my god Demetrius, your downward facing dog was just scrumptious, especially for your first time. DEMETRIUS Scrumptious? HELENA [approaches] Hey, what’s going-- [notices Puck still in the doorway] Hi! Have we tipped you yet? PUCK [grinning] Oh I’ve got everything I need. HELENA Then, uh. Thank you! Stay safe! [closes door] Hermia? Demetrius? What’s-- DEMETRIUS Hermia just called my downward facing dog scrumptious. HELENA Oh. Well I mean, it was really impressive, especially since it was your first time… LYSANDER Not all of us can have my years of experience! HELENA Oh yeah, I mean hey, Lysander, I was really impressed by your….savasana. LYSANDER [pleased by this compliment] That means corpse pose, you know. HELENA And I think you made an excellent corpse. HERMIA Demetrius, though, I mean you have so much potential. HELENA Hey, guys, why don’t we move to the couch? Did that guy really just bring a single can of beer? DEMETRIUS [sad he didn’t get any] Yeah apparently it was an apology for. Uh. Kissing me? HELENA What? HERMIA Oh my god, it was totally uncool of him to ignore your boundaries like that, but I get it! I mean, who could blame him? HELENA O-oh! Wow. Well, uh, we don’t need to talk about that anymore. So uh. Hermia, what were we talking about before that guy showed up? HERMIA Hmm? Oh I don’t know Helena, I try to live in the present. HELENA But… HERMIA Demetrius, I really think my followers would love to see more of you. Maybe I could teach you some more yoga, one on one maybe, and we can take some pictures… DEMETRIUS Uh, sure! Do you really think that would help? HELENA You know, right now, I feel like we should focus on things that my listeners can follow, not so much visual stuff… We’re live, remember? HERMIA Oh my god Helena, why didn’t you just say that? HELENA I told you that like two minutes ago. HERMIA Helena’s listeners, you are so sweet to support my friend the way you do. I also think you would really like my instagram account, my handle is @grow.live.die… HELENA [to Demetrius, trying not to sound jealous] You, uh. She was really flirting with you! I thought I’d rescue you. [panics] Not that you need rescuing! Or that her flirting with you is a bad thing. I just... didn’t want to put you on the spot! You know, live. On air. That seemed like it could be bad, and before you came in Hermia was actually talking about how putting you on the air live might be asking a lot, and… DEMETRIUS It’s ok! Really, I don’t mind. I’d say if I did. HELENA Would you? DEMETRIUS [distracted] Sure! Why wouldn’t I. Uh, what’s Lysander doing? HELENA I don’t know. Hermia, hang on, lemme just grab… [takes the mic, walks closer to Lysander so he fades in] LYSANDER ...such joy to see you here! Ah Cobweb, it hath been so long! I feared I went where you could not follow! HELENA [quietly] Did he say Cobweb? DEMETRIUS I think so. LYSANDER Well of course! Your words of wisdom have never failed me. HELENA Did he get ahold of some paint again? DEMETRIUS I’m not sure it’s physically possible to stop him. HERMIA Oh, he’s just talking to the cobwebs again. He does that. But who cares about him? Let’s be present here with each other, Demetrius. Just you and me. HELENA [skeptical] Uh. I am also here. HERMIA Demetrius, how about I show you the crow pose, I can help you balance. LYSANDER I can certainly do that, my dear muse! Professing my feelings, my attraction, it’s the perfect outlet for the poetry inside me! HELENA [skeptical] Are the cobwebs telling him to flirt more? <p...