Episode 6: All is Mended

Titania and Oberon decide what to do about the chaos among the mortals. Puck plots his next move. To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com. To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense. Episode Six: All is Mended Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One [Replay the last few minutes of last episode, with Helena threatening to move out followed by end music, which shuts off with a “pause” noise. Followed by the longest, most pregnant pause in the series yet.] TITANIA Don’t. OBERON Hey Puck, what did I say after last episode? TITANIA Don’t. PUCK Honestly, there’s a lot you could be referring to. TITANIA Oberon, I swear -- OBERON Let’s start with the part about Helena moving out, since that’s exactly what’s happening. PUCK Got it! You said - [Oberon voice] Eventually, they’re either going to go back to something stable, or they’re going to leave. [Puck voice] And then you said - [Oberon voice] If they don’t kill each other, they’re gonna get tired of living in this weird, shitty limbo and they’re all just going to move. [Puck voice] And then -- (you said) TITANIA ENOUGH! I get it, okay? OBERON So you admit that throwing bullshit into a relationship just to force change doesn’t work? TITANIA [Stammering a bit] N-no! That isn’t the lesson here! OBERON Are you serious? TITANIA I stand by everything I said. PUCK Does that include - [Titania voice] You really think she’s going to leave it all behind just because things got a little more exciting? TITANIA Okay, fine, not everything I said! But most of it! It’s not all bad! Helena’s actually sorting out her feelings. That never would’ve happened without us! OBERON I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of the wind whistling through our soon-to-be-empty pantries. TITANIA Oh, gods. Look, like I said, I get it, okay? Even if I win a moral victory, [retching noises from Oberon] there’s no point if we’ve got nothing to eat. OBERON Moral victory? TITANIA Well, I bet Helena in a Handbasket’s ratings are way better now! Everything was so boring before that it definitely would’ve gotten cancelled eventually anyway! PUCK Do podcasts have ratings? OBERON Well, looks like we’ll never find out. TITANIA And I won the wager! Lysander still hasn’t left! OBERON Yes, well, with no emotions to siphon, I can’t make bread either way. [Beat] TITANIA [Sigh] You’re right. You’re right! We’ve fucked up our one and only food source for the pandemic. This has gone on long enough. OBERON Yeah. I think it has. PUCK [Aside, under his breath, very excited] Here we go… TITANIA The only thing we can do now is work together to fix it. PUCK What? OBERON [Skeptical] You’ve seen what “fixing” things has done. PUCK Yeah, yeah, no more fixing things. Look at you two! You can’t even fix yourselves! TITANIA Oberon and I haven’t tried to fix anything. We’ve just been letting you run wild. PUCK I did what you two asked me to! OBERON You did not -- (do what I asked) TITANIA It doesn’t matter! Oberon, we knew -- we always knew -- that Puck was going to do his own thing. You and I need to actually give this an honest shot. OBERON I have given this an honest shot. I wanted Puck to help. TITANIA Well, maybe you’re just dumb, then. [Indignant Oberon noises] Wait, wait, no. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant to say. Come on, be honest with yourself, Oberon. Puck, what did he say when you first volunteered to mess around? PUCK Oh, I don’t know if I recall. TITANIA Puck. PUCK Okay fine, I recall, but don’t make me insult myself! TITANIA I am your queen, Puck. PUCK Ugh! [Oberon voice] You only make things worse! TITANIA You’re not dumb. Which means you were...self-sabotaging, or something. [Beat] Or trying to make me happy. [Beat] PUCK [Notably panicking] Ah, come on! You’re giving him way too much credit! He probably just knew you wouldn’t listen to him if he argued! OBERON ...yeah. PUCK Yeah. TITANIA I know. I should’ve. PUCK No! OBERON Really? TITANIA Yes. There are two of us PUCK THREE! TITANIA --in this...penthouse. Y’know, eating from Helena. So our food source should reflect what we both want, not just me. PUCK Oh, come on! How can it possibly do that? You’re such different people! Your tastes are so different! Titania, you hate bread! TITANIA I don’t hate bread. PUCK But you were going carb-free! And he didn’t respect that! TITANIA That’s true. PUCK And don’t you remember why you went carb free in the first place? You were so bored! The same bread every day! TITANIA That’s true too… PUCK Exactly! So -- (clearly) OBERON I could have tried to mix up my bread recipe. TITANIA What? PUCK What? OBERON You’re right. There are two of us in this penthouse. If you don’t like my sourdough, I shouldn’t force you to eat it. And if you were bored by...Helena and her friends...well, this obviously isn’t working, but you may have been right with what you said about change before. Puck? PUCK Gods, you know, I really don’t know if -- (I remember) OBERON I am your king, Puck. PUCK Uggggghhhhh. [Titania voice] The thing about mortals -- about people -- is that they change whether you want them to or not, Oberon. TITANIA [Touched] I’m surprised you remembered. OBERON [Gentle] I’ve remembered everything you’ve said to me in the past millennia, my lady. [retching noises from Puck] Anyway, you’re right. Change does happen naturally. TITANIA Yeah, it does. So maybe if we’d just let...Helena and her friends change naturally instead of manufacturing drama, that would’ve been...good enough food. OBERON Yeah. But also, I can...adjust my recipes, when change does happen. Instead of just trying to make the same sourdough. TITANIA Obi… [Beat] OBERON [very obviously distracted and a little horny] Hey, Puck, can you go get one of your potions? We’re gonna need the original if we’re going to reverse it. PUCK But -- TITANIA [also very obviously distracted and a little horny, but firm] Go, Puck. PUCK But I...ugh. Fine. [Sound of footsteps retreating as Puck leaves the room, muttering.] [brief kissing noise] TITANIA I’m gonna fuck your brains out after this. OBERON Oh, definitely. [Sound of footsteps reentering the room] PUCK [Obviously miffed] Alright, here’s the potion. Do whatever. TITANIA A reversal spell on one of Puck’s cocktails. You sure you remember how to do this? OBERON Oh, trust me, babe, it’ll be like riding a flower petal. PUCK God, this is insufferable. OBERON I’m turning the podcast up, that’ll give us a stronger connection. [Podcast is audible in the background] TITANIA Alright, hands together. Ooh, you really haven't forgotten how to do this, have you? OBERON Not a chance. TITANIA Gods, we really are going to fuck about this later. PUCK OH MY GODS. TITANIA Alright. Count of three. Ready? One, two… OBERON AND TITANIA Ti fo ess-nag-orrah ehht roff reh-fuss leew ee-mon-ok-eee ehht d'nah ay-eed-ah dih-puts a see ess-nehr-ruck oh-tip-eh-yerk [As the spell is cast, we fade out to the sound of the podcast. It’s just muffled arguing, maybe some crying. When they finish the spell the mortals all gasp like something happened, then we hear 4 thuds as they fall unconscious.] Scene Two [After the four thuds, a moment of silence, followed by lots of groans as everyone sits up and gets their bearings.] HELENA <p...