My Dad Never Said He Was Proud of Me. I Spent My Life Chasing It.

How do you grieve a father you loved, resented, and barely knew? For Ali, grief after losing his dad didn't look like sadness at first. It looked like anger, numbness, ambition, and a 15-year refusal to visit his father's grave. Ali spent much of his life wanting his dad to say four words: "I'm proud of you." He never did. In this episode of Dead Dads, Ali talks about losing his father after a complicated father-son relationship shaped by absence, addiction, resentment, and the search for parental approval. 🎧 In this episode, you'll hear about: Grieving a complicated relationship with your father Why grief can show up as anger or numbness instead of sadness The impact of addiction on a father-son relationship Chasing achievement because you want a parent's approval Grieving the father you wanted, not just the father you had Why becoming a dad can change how you understand your own father Letting go of resentment without pretending the past didn't happen What can happen when buried grief finally gets some room When his father was dying, Ali held his hand, said goodbye, and left the hospital. A few hours later, his dad died. Ali felt mostly numb. Then he avoided his father's grave for 15 years. Years later, during a silent meditation retreat, a poem about someone else's dad cracked something open. Ali left the room, walked into the forest, held onto a tree and cried for ten minutes. He realized he wasn't only grieving his father's death. He was grieving the relationship they never had. And he was still trying to earn the approval he'd wanted since he was a kid. This is a conversation about father loss, men's grief, absent fathers, addiction, resentment, parental approval, forgiveness, and what happens when you finally deal with grief you've spent years avoiding. 👨 Meet Ali B Ali grew up in Iran before coming to Canada. His own father had been abandoned by his dad at 11 and was forced to help support his family while still a child. As a teenager, Ali reconnected with his father while working with him and his brother in Nevada. Addiction made an already difficult relationship harder. Ali eventually returned to Canada, threw himself into school, and built a successful career in dentistry and surgery. But his relationship with his dad stayed with him. Years after his father's death, Ali finally started looking at the anger, grief, and need for approval underneath it. ⏱️ Episode chapters 00:00:00 My dad never said he was proud of me 00:01:27 Why Ali wanted to tell this story 00:02:14 Growing up with an absent father 00:04:45 Escaping Iran and coming to Canada 00:06:45 Reconnecting with his dad 00:07:45 Addiction changes everything 00:09:45 Years of resentment 00:11:55 Watching his father die 00:13:35 Why Ali felt numb 00:14:20 Avoiding his dad's grave for 15 years 00:15:15 The meditation retreat that broke something open 00:16:40 Finally grieving his father 00:17:05 Chasing his father's approval 00:18:10 Why men avoid grief 00:19:30 He couldn't find his father's grave 00:20:20 Discovering his dad had no gravestone 00:21:05 Letting go of the anger 00:22:00 Why talking about his dad was terrifying 00:23:20 Becoming a dad changed his perspective 00:24:15 The person anger was actually hurting 00:26:10 Can success fill the hole left by grief? 00:28:10 Grieving the father you never had 00:29:00 "I never asked if he was proud of me" 00:30:00 Finding compassion for a difficult father 00:31:20 How grief changed Ali as a husband and dad 00:33:35 Final thoughts 🖤 About Dead Dads Dead Dads is a podcast for men figuring out life after losing their dad. Hosted by Roger Nairn and Scott Cunningham, the show features honest conversations about father loss, grief, identity, family, memory, masculinity, and all the strange stuff that happens after your dad dies. No grief brochure voice. No tidy healing arc. Just real conversations for guys who are grieving, remembering, avoiding, laughing, carrying on, or trying to understand what losing a father did to them. You're not alone. ☕ Support Dead Dads: https://buymeacoffee.com/deaddadspodcast Website: https://www.deaddadspodcast.com/ YouTube: /@deaddadspodcast Instagram: /deaddadspodcast TikTok: /dead.dads.podcast Substack: https://substack.com/@deaddadspodcast New episodes every week. Dead Dads Podcast is produced with the support of JAR Podcast Solutions. https://jarpodcasts.com/