The Undercover Cop with a Death Wish: Trauma, PTSD, and the Road Back

Content advisory: This episode includes discussion of suicide, substance use, and traumatic experiences. If you or someone you know is in crisis in the United States, call or text 988 for support.   156 - The Undercover Cop with a Death Wish: Trauma, PTSD, and the Road Back What happens when a police officer stops caring whether he lives or dies? Todd Maguire spent 27 years with the Queensland Police Service in Australia, including two years operating undercover among dangerous criminal organizations. But behind the high-risk assignments, drug deals, and encounters with armed criminals was a man struggling with devastating personal trauma. Early in his policing career, Todd discovered that his partner had died by suicide. The tragedy sent him into years of grief, substance abuse, anger, and self-destructive behavior. Rather than confront the pain, he buried himself in one of the most dangerous assignments in law enforcement. In this deeply personal conversation with host Conrad Weaver, Todd shares how unresolved trauma influenced his decisions, why returning to ordinary police work after undercover operations was so difficult, and how years of emotional suppression affected his family and his health. He also explains how writing his memoir, Donny: An Undercover Cop with a Deathwish, became a turning point in his recovery—and why he now believes that vulnerability and openness are signs of strength. In this episode: How personal trauma can influence risk-taking and decision-making The psychological toll of undercover policing Why first responders sometimes hide their struggles for decades The fear of seeking help and its perceived impact on career advancement How trauma affects families, relationships, and sleep The role of storytelling, connection, and vulnerability in recovery Why being strong and silent isn't always being strong Learn more about Todd: https://www.toddmaguire.com.au   +++++ Join the First Responder Leadership & Wellness Summit: November 19, 2026, Mount Airy, Maryland. Registration closes November 13. https://firstresponderwellness.co/frederick/   Order the PTSD911 Film and Educational Toolkit here: https://ptsd911movie.com/toolkit/ Book a PTSD911 screening event: contact [email protected] Web site:  https://ptsd911movie.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ptsd911movie/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ptsd911movie/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClQ8jxjxYqHgFQixBK4Bl0Q Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/first-responder-wellness-podcast/id1535675703 Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2wW72dLZOKkO1QYUPzL2ih The First Responder Wellness Podcast is a production of First Responder Wellness Solutions, LLC Copyright ©2026 First Responder Wellness Solutions, LLC - All rights Reserved.