090: You Learned To Earn Love By Not Needing Much

When you were young, did you learn that the surest way to be loved was to be easy? The good girl. The low-maintenance daughter. The one with good grades and no fuss. If that story feels familiar, I want to slow down with you and look at what it trained your heart and nervous system to expect from love. I’m Dr. Dar, and we’re talking about the father-daughter relationship and the invisible “approval contract” so many of us carry into adult relationships. Not to blame your dad, and definitely not to blame you, but to finally understand why overthinking, overgiving, and constantly trying to get it right can feel so normal. We explore how approval seeking shows up as checking his face, managing the mood, planning everything, remembering everyone’s birthday, and smoothing over conflict so the day doesn’t go sideways. When your partner shuts down, you might reach for books, scripts, and self-improvement, then assume you failed when it doesn’t magically fix the dynamic. Together, we name what’s really happening: emotional labour imbalance, people pleasing, conflict avoidance, and the deep belief that love is something you must earn by being convenient. The takeaway is simple but powerful: if the pattern didn’t start with him, you can stop treating your current relationship like the place you have to “finally” win approval. If this hits home, press play, then subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find this conversation. Send us Fan Mail Support the show If you found your way here, something probably brought you. Maybe you give so much to the people you love, and lately you've felt confused, or unseen, or like you're the one holding most of the emotional weight in your relationship. If that's you, I'm so glad you're here. You're in the right place. This is a space for women who feel things deeply and think things through. Women who want to understand what's really going on in their relationship before they make any big decisions. You're not asking for too much. And you don't have to make sense of any of this on your own. When you're ready, here's where we can begin together: Understand what you need to feel safe and supported → https://needs.drdarhawks.com Explore private sessions with me → https://drdarhawks.com/work-with-me New episodes come out about every other week. And if something here touched you, or even if it didn't quite land, you're welcome to reach out. You can leave a comment on your favorite podcast platform, or, even better, come find me at https://drdarhawks.com. Your questions and your reflections matter here. They're always safe with me.