Master Your Marriage

Do you know exactly what bugs you about your spouse, but freeze up when it comes to saying what you actually want instead? We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. Last week we talked about why so many of us don't ask for what we want. This week is the how. Most of us were taught to wait for our spouse to figure it out, then complain when they don't. It doesn't work, and it turns little irritants into little fights. We own up to a movie night in our basement that went sideways over woodworking videos, and share the little throat clear Robert uses in the bedroom doorway when he needs some love. Then we walk you through a simple four-part way to ask that's warm, quick and much easier for your spouse to say yes to. In this episode: Why waiting for your spouse to "just know," then complaining, almost never works How "Are you seriously on your phone right now?" turned a cozy movie night into a little fight The request hiding inside every complaint, and how to find it Why you're the expert on you, but not on your spouse Handing over your "operating instructions" (and why most spouses never get a manual) What a throat clear in the bedroom doorway has to do with feeling loved The full ask: appreciation, a specific ask, "as a favor to me," and "how can I help?" Movie night, take two: what changed when Sharla asked instead of complained When the full ask fits, and when a bigger hurt needs a different conversation A place to start this week: Think of the complaint you've made a hundred times. Flip it into a request, then try the full ask, just once. We're building a new program for couples, and we'd love to hear from you first. If home is the one place that feels hard, grab a 30 to 60 minute confidential conversation (not a sales call) at https://masteryourmarriage.us/research Want private coaching for the two of you? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes: Ep 181: But He Should Already Know: Failing the Test You Didn't Know You Were Taking https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/but-he-should-already-know-failing-the-test-you-didnt-know-you-were-taking Ep 180: Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive Resources mentioned: Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage [email protected]

Do you wait for your spouse to figure out what you need, and then feel hurt when they don't? Or do you tell yourself it's not worth asking anyway? We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. This week we start a new thread we're calling Loving Power: how to be strong and loving at the same time. Last week was about hearing a complaint without getting defensive. This one is the other side. Why is it so hard to just ask for what you want? We both tell on ourselves. Sharla gave Robert a secret test for two days after a 15-hour travel day home from the Caribbean. Robert spent almost a week feeling rejected and went out to the shop instead of saying "I miss you." We walk through the beliefs underneath that kept us quiet, and a simple tool for talking back to them. In this episode: Why being "low maintenance" can slowly drain the passion out of a marriage What BYU research says disconnection does to your body (it's a lot) Belief #1: "It's selfish to ask," and why asking is actually taking care of your marriage Belief #2: "I shouldn't have to tell him," and the 48-hour secret test Sharla gave Robert Belief #3: "I don't want to rock the boat," and why keeping the peace isn't as safe as it feels The bonus one for the guys: Superman, and Robert's own "nobody cares" story Why a busy week can feel like rejection, and which part of you is really talking A four-step tool: notice it, name it, answer it, ask A place to start this week: Catch yourself giving one secret test. That moment when you're waiting for your spouse to figure it out, or telling yourself "never mind, it's not worth it." Notice it, name it, talk back to it, and ask anyway. Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes: Ep 180: Relational Maturity: How to Hear a Complaint Without Getting Defensive https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive Ep 155: The Hidden Cost of Keeping the Peace in Marriage https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/the-hidden-cost-of-keeping-the-peace-in-marriage Resources mentioned: Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com Julianne Holt-Lunstad's research on social connection (BYU): https://news.byu.edu/byu-expert-on-social-isolation-tapped-to-lead-u-s-surgeon-general-advisory-advise-world-health-organization U.S. Surgeon General's advisory on loneliness and isolation (2023): https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf Carol Gilligan, In a Different Voice Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage [email protected]

Do you get defensive the second your spouse says they're upset with you? Most of us do. We start correcting the facts, or we go straight to "poor me," and five minutes later nobody's talking about the original problem anymore. We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. In this episode we talk about what Terry Real calls relational maturity, and his surprisingly simple test for it: “what do you do when your spouse is unhappy with you?” We tell on ourselves with the story of a porch swing Robert built, a creak that scared Sharla, and a lecture on snow loads that cost us the swing. Then we walk through four moves you can make the next time a complaint comes your way, and why owning more than you're asked to own is what calms your spouse down. In this episode Why the first five seconds after "that bothered me" tell you so much The adaptive child, the wise adult, and where we each learned to handle complaints Pia Mellody's three ways we dodge responsibility (Sharla admits to using all of them in one sentence) Why defensiveness is really a way of keeping shame out The porch swing story, and the snow loads lecture Why a complaint is a one-way street, and Terry Real's customer service window The four moves: listen and reflect, acknowledge, own the pattern, give and let go Why saying "it's not the first time I've done this" can calm a fight down A place to start this week The next time your spouse is unhappy with you, ask yourself which part of you is about to answer. Then try one move: "Here's what I heard. Did I get that right?" Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes Ep 169: Defensiveness Is a Self-Esteem Problem, and How to Fix It https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/defensiveness-is-a-self-esteem-problem-and-how-to-fix-it Ep 98: Repair, Part 4 (we process a regrettable incident live) https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/real-repair-what-happens-after-a-big-fight Ep 162: When Is It Okay Not to Forgive? https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/when-is-it-okay-not-to-forgive-and-when-its-not Resources mentioned Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy Terry Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence The Gottman Institute (processing a regrettable incident): https://www.gottman.com Find us https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage [email protected]

How Lifelong Lovers Cherish Each Other Differently - It is easy to look at someone else’s business, family, house, or marriage and decide ours is not enough. The longer we stay in that comparison, the blinder we get to the good that is already ours. In this episode we talk about cherishing as the practice that brings us back. We look at what cherishing actually means, why it is harder to name seven things we value than seven things we want changed, and the habits that work against us: entitlement, comparison, and the hedonic treadmill. We also walk through the Gottman fondness and admiration questions, and we talk about why cherishing asks for vulnerability, humility, and a different relationship to the differences that once drew us together. Cherishing will not fix contempt or a destructive pattern. It can help a long-term relationship feel like a place that gives life, instead of a life we are only managing. In this episode Why comparison takes our attention away from our own life What it actually takes to have a cherishing relationship, and why capable is not the same as willing Why most of us can list grievances faster than we can list what we cherish Entitlement as a survival habit that costs us in marriage The hedonic treadmill, and what it does not mean A story about what becomes visible only after a loss The Gottman fondness and admiration self-check, and how to read the score Vulnerability, resentment, and humility Why you do not have to wait for your spouse to go first A place to start this week Name one specific good thing before the day gets away from you, and say it out loud. Find us masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage [email protected]

How Lifelong Lovers Keep Wanting Each Other Last week we kept talking about the work of stopping damage. That work matters. If contempt, unbridled expression, or defensiveness are running the house, you do not need a new date-night idea first. You need to stop the bleeding. This episode is about what comes after that. Couples can get better at conflict. They can learn to repair. They can stop doing so much damage. And they can still look at each other and feel quiet. Not hateful. Just flat. “We finally learned how to fight better. Why doesn’t it feel more alive?” John Gottman has been saying a version of this for decades. Even the best therapy in the world will never work if it only focuses on conflict. Stopping the damage is the first step. It is not the same thing as building a friendship or a cherishing marriage. Once the negativity has a little less room, there is a space where it used to live. You have to decide what you want to fill that space with. Friendship. Fondness. Play. Shared meaning. Touch. Adventure. One of the things that can fill it is novelty. Not novelty as a gimmick. Novelty as a way of keeping the wanting system awake in a long-term committed relationship. In this conversation we talk about: Why the first year or two can feel electric, and why that intensity often cools around year two, moving in, or kids Helen Fisher’s three systems: lust, attraction (dopamine), and attachment Why early love can feel almost obsessive, and why the brain cannot stay in that state forever Habituation: the brain spends less dopamine on what it already knows well What that does not mean (you did not necessarily marry the wrong person, and passion is not required to die) Arthur Aron’s research on self-expansion and doing new things together Why a familiar person in an unfamiliar place can wake wanting back up Three practices: shared novelty, intentional space that includes a return, and keep becoming / stay curious The honest catch: novelty takes energy, and exhausted couples often misread the quiet as “we grew apart” This week’s experiment Sit down together, even for ten minutes. Where has our life become so efficient that we stopped being interesting to each other? What is one unfamiliar thing we could do together before this season turns? Write it down. Put it on the calendar. Do not turn it into another exhausting project. Go be slightly bad at something new, together. Love, the cherishing kind, is not the absence of familiarity. It is familiarity that still surprises you, again and again. Mentioned Helen Fisher, research on romantic love and the brain Donatella Marazziti, research on serotonin patterns in early love Arthur Aron, Stony Brook University, self-expansion and shared novel activities John Gottman, friendship and conflict James Clear, Atomic Habits (the stonecutter) Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/ If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we would love to hear about it. Send a note through masteryourmarriage.us. If you and your partner want help putting practices like this into your actual life, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.