Episode 111: How to Be the Friend Who Shows Up

"Let me know if you need anything." You've said it. You meant it. It has never once worked. Kamille takes apart the most common sentence in grief and replaces it with four things that actually help someone in the worst season of their life. FULL SHOW NOTES Everyone says it. Almost nobody realizes it isn't an offer — it's an assignment, handed to the person least able to carry it. It asks someone whose life is falling apart to work out what they need, decide whether you meant it, and then be vulnerable enough to ask. The people who helped Kamille most never said it. The neighbor kids who ran a lemonade stand during Clint's diagnosis didn't ask. The friend who sent a purse, slippers and a card on the first Valentine's Day after he died didn't ask. They saw the need and they filled it. In this episode she breaks down the four things to do instead — listen for the need, tell them rather than ask, give them a day they can move, and feed hearts as well as stomachs — then the four things to stop saying, including the one she couldn't even finish writing down. She talks about what friendship looks like months later, when the funeral is over and everyone else has gone back to their lives, and about giving grace to the people who got it wrong. It ends where it should: Job's friends sitting on the ground for seven days without saying a word, and Hebrews 13:2 — we are all angels for each other. IN THIS EPISODE Why "let me know if you need anything" flips the assignment onto the person already drowning The lemonade stand, and the Valentine's package that came without being asked for How to spot a need when there's no crisis — the "helping scanner" and listening for distress Tell them, don't ask: "I'd love to bring you pizza — Wednesday or Thursday?" Why a hot meal can feel like an imposition, and what landed better Feed hearts, minds and mouths — and never sit on a prompting The hug she almost talked herself out of giving Four things to stop saying, including "everything happens for a reason" After the funeral: the reminder in your phone, and why saying his name out loud is a gift "I don't celebrate dead people's birthdays" — and what that cost a nine-year-old boy Grace for the people who got it wrong Job 2:13 and Hebrews 13:2 CHAPTERS 00:00:00 Introduction 00:00:33 "Let me know if you need anything" 00:01:53 Why that sentence doesn't work 00:04:23 The lemonade stand and the Valentine's package 00:06:42 When there's no crisis: listening for the need 00:08:57 Tell them, don't ask 00:10:56 Why a hot meal can feel like an imposition 00:12:37 Feed hearts, minds and mouths 00:13:20 The hug I almost talked myself out of 00:15:39 Four things to stop saying 00:18:32 After the funeral: reminders, and saying his name 00:20:26 "I don't celebrate dead people's birthdays" 00:22:48 Grace for the ones who got it wrong 00:24:27 Job sat on the ground for seven days 00:25:59 The errand of angels SCRIPTURE REFERENCED Mosiah 18:8-9 (00:11) — bear one another's burdens; mourn with those that mourn Job 2:13 (23:54) — seven days on the ground, and none spake a word Hebrews 13:2 (25:26) — entertained angels unawares CALL TO ACTION Send this to the friend who's been meaning to reach out and doesn't know how. LINKS Listen: putonyourbiggirlpants.com Watch: youtube.com/@KamilleBauer Speaking: kamillebauer.com Social: @KamilleBauer on Instagram, Facebook & Threads