How We Stay Connected With Four Kids and Zero Free Time

Send us Fan Mail Okay guys, this episode is all about maintenance—but not the boring kind. I’m talking about the maintenance we forget to do in our relationships because life gets busy, we’re on autopilot, and suddenly we’re just showing up and going through the motions. It started with tennis, honestly. My friend got her racket restrung, and I realized I hadn’t done mine in probably two years. When I finally got it back, I was blown away—the difference was insane. Same with my tennis shoes: they looked fine, but underneath, the cushioning was completely flat. I’d been playing with dead equipment and didn’t even think about it. And that got me thinking: relationships work the same way. Especially long marriages. In the beginning, we naturally do all the things—dating, talking, holding hands, making time for each other. Then kids, schedules, work, and exhaustion creep in, and if we don’t actively maintain the connection, the quality just quietly goes down. For Doug and me, we hit a point where we knew we needed help. We did a session with someone who helped us figure out what we each actually needed—and she said something that has stuck with me ever since: “If you’re talking about your relationship, you’re not doing your relationship.” Meaning, if all we’re doing is arguing about not having time together, we’re not actually creating time together. So we built in little touch points that work for us. Morning snuggles before he leaves. A five- or ten-minute call in the middle of the day—not a family logistics meeting, just an actual “how’s your day?” conversation. And now that the kids are older, evening walks when we can. No babysitter, no big plan, just us walking and catching up. I also bring it back to the kids, because I think they need relationship maintenance too. With teenagers, I’ve learned I can’t just ask “How was school?” and expect to know what’s going on. I have to ask for their perspective, listen, and teach them that sharing is part of staying connected. The big idea is this: connection doesn’t happen by accident. It takes a little thought, a little effort, and some habits that actually fit your real life. But when you do it, it becomes easier—and so worth it. Support the show