What Your Shame Is Trying to Tell You | Frank Spinelli

Shame doesn’t tell you that you did something bad. It tells you that you are bad—and that distinction can quietly shape your relationships, choices, and sense of self. AJ sits down with physician and author Dr. Frank Spinelli to explore why shame is so difficult to outrun. Frank explains how shame differs from guilt, the ways it can show up through people pleasing, perfectionism, avoidance, substances, and relationship sabotage, and why suppressing it often makes the cycle stronger. Instead of treating shame as something to eliminate, he offers a different approach: learn to recognize what it’s trying to tell you. You’ll learn Frank’s four Ps for responding when shame gets triggered, how to recognize shame in your body before it takes over, and the COMPASS framework for building shame resilience. Frank also explains how core values, self-compassion, boundaries, community, and honest disclosure can help you stop isolating and build deeper relationships without expecting someone else to fix or validate your past. Episode Resources: https://www.amazon.com/Shame-Compass-Radical-Framework-Self-Acceptance/dp/B0H34JGBSC/ Chapters 00:00 – The critical difference between shame and guilt 03:45 – Five signs shame may be running your life 05:46 – How trauma turns into self-blame 07:58 – Where shame shows up in your body 09:35 – Stop running from the past and address the present 11:06 – The four Ps for responding to shame 14:22 – Why suppressing difficult emotions backfires 18:22 – Start treating shame as information 20:23 – The COMPASS framework for shame resilience 24:01 – Why community is an antidote to isolation 27:07 – Separate your identity from your shame 29:20 – Use your core values to interrupt shame 32:20 – You don’t need to hit rock bottom to change 34:38 – How to support someone struggling with shame 37:19 – What to do when shame takes over in the moment 40:56 – Journaling and body mapping your shame 47:14 – Stop worrying about what other people think 49:22 – How shame creates distance in relationships 53:18 – How to share your shame with someone you love A Word From Our Sponsors Get $250 off select AirDoctor air purifiers by using promo code CHARM at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠AirDoctorPro.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Shopify is where you go to start your business, and everything you need to sell is already there from day one. Start your free trial by going to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠SHOPIFY.COM/charm⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Connect with top talent ready to help your business grow by going to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠UPWORK.COM⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠mintmobile.com/charm⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ For a quieter and more comfortable nighttime environment, visit https://go.fitnexa.com/Rl9TwI and use promo code Art of Charm at checkout to get $10 off SomniPods 3 ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Keywords shame, guilt, shame resilience, trauma, self compassion, emotional healing, people pleasing, shame spiral, emotional regulation, mental health, self awareness, trauma recovery, relationships, addiction recovery, body awareness, boundaries, core values, self esteem, personal growth, emotional triggers Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices