The Ned & Josh Podcast

Dropping an episode has done exactly what basic maths suggested it would do to the podcast downloads, so Ned and Josh consider making one perfectly respectable episode people can safely recommend to friends. Josh finally discovers what The Mighty Mighty Bosstones meant by “knock on wood”, his wildly inconsistent intelligence gets examined, a business turns manual labour into adult PE, and Aaron Pierre’s physique in Lanterns provides some fairly compelling workout motivation. There’s charging-port lint to excavate, pimple-popping videos to banish, a 100-year-old World War II veteran receiving 4,000 birthday cards, and a search for the perfect person to congratulate every American centenarian. School brings Pythagoras theorem, homemade paper, stolen office supplies, one former radio worker becoming an AI success story, a maths teacher crushing some rare enthusiasm and an osmosis shortcut that immediately falls apart. Find us on Instagram @nedandjosh

A pre-show joke gets sent straight to the cutting-room floor, then Ned and Josh ask why Americans saying Melbourne correctly can somehow sound worse, whether Brisbane secretly needs a D, how four-year-olds turned “shut up” into top-tier profanity, why “crap” once became the terrifying C-word, and how Andy Griffiths introduced “rack off” to a childhood vocabulary. The NFL’s Melbourne visit brings the 49ers and Rams into the mix, Disney x NFL merch gets judged, and Piper’s 4.2kg arrival leads into the first time holding a newborn, paid baby photos and the claim that all newborns look alike. Then an MMA fighter insists he could beat a chimpanzee, Planet of the Apes gets rewritten for COVID, dogs catching COVID becomes a full argument, and “buoyed” returns as a disputed term. Find us on Instagram @nedandjosh

Aldi condoms, bargain snow boots and the eternal Aldi-versus-Costco argument all find their place alongside Ned completely failing to acknowledge Josh’s exciting American listener statistics. “Buoyed” becomes a surprisingly heated vocabulary dispute, Evelyn Montclair arrives via scam text with immaculate fake-business energy, a discussion to create her ideal counterpart follows, and a stock-market phone conversation in a work toilet meets an aggressively biological interruption. Elsewhere, Ned decides “my Instagram” might age a person instantly, bathroom calls with Dads are rejected on principle, The Dark Knight resurfaces at exactly the wrong moment, the hypothetical return of Jesus creates immediate panic, AI complicates the miracle business, a gastroenterologist proves harder to pronounce than expected, a Virginia woman wakes to a bat near her mouth, Lenny solves his own missing-dog crisis, and a childhood cockroach chooses the worst possible sleeping spot. Find us on Instagram @nedandjosh

What does an old-school Aussie pub bloke sound like while discussing mortgage stress over a morning coffee? That sits alongside the case for a married couple's house signature, Josh meeting his new niece Piper, Ned's disastrous receipt joke, a Roomba that becomes evidence of infidelity, the mystery of modern-day Palm Pilots and a Watergate discussion that eventually reaches Edward Snowden. Zambrero guac brings better luck on the joke front, letting someone with two groceries skip the queue becomes a moral issue, Whose Line Is It Anyway? and Thank God You're Here spark improv memories, being proven right gets its own philosophical moment, checkout waiting times become absurd, famous Neds are assigned official responsibilities, brushing your teeth in the car remains deeply questionable, and Josh reveals the grim logic behind booking flights as Joshua. Find us on Instagram @nedandjosh

An innocent workplace whistle sends Ned into dangerous musical territory before attention turns to the cracked toilet seat he ignored for months, the astonishing price of premium replacements and the decidedly Frisbee-like model he eventually buys. McDonald’s then introduces its Australian McGold Card, but “McDonald’s for life” apparently means $30 a week for 40 years, which raises some questions about why companies keep using the words “for life” and then getting annoyed when customers interpret them literally. There is also the recently defeated proposal for Ned to give a houseguest his own bed, an unexpected Tasmanian interpretation of Southern hospitality and a new party greeting involving a fistful of famous people who share your first name. Instagram etiquette reminds Josh of teaching his Dad that everyone could see what he was liking, Ted Cruz manages another spectacular social-media mistake, and public figures are asked why they keep voluntarily wandering into this minefield. Dolly Parton then emerges as perhaps the rare famous person everybody can agree on. Find us on Instagram @nedandjosh