The Work of Being Human

Everyone's favorite dysfunctional personality type is back: NARCISSISM. But are we actually helping people understand narcissism, or are we teaching them to label, manipulate, and dehumanize people they find difficult? Today, I'm responding to a viral video from a Christian counselor offering a "7-second test" to expose a Christian narcissist. Her advice? Ask a pointed question, sing "Happy Birthday" in your head, and watch what happens. I have some questions... As a Christian and a licensed professional counselor, I'm concerned about the way narcissism has become a catchall label for anyone who challenges us, struggles with boundaries, or fails to meet our emotional needs. And I'm especially concerned when Christians are encouraged to engage in the very manipulative behaviors they're being taught to recognize in others.In this episode, I examine what's wrong with this approach, explain the developmental wounds that can contribute to narcissistic personality patterns, and introduce the work of psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, whose approach to treating narcissistic pathology centered on EMPATHY. We talk about the difference between understanding someone's wounds and excusing their behavior, why boundaries don't require contempt, and why compassion and accountability must coexist. You can recognize dysfunction without dehumanizing the person. You can maintain boundaries without playing power games. And you can face reality without abandoning humanity. That's what real mental health requires. I'm Vanessa Bentley, a licensed professional counselor and a therapist who hates therapy culture. Around here, we don't do psychobabble. We do good ideas and real mental health. Face Reality. Embrace Humanity. Subscribe for more conversations about psychology, relationships, faith, and the work of being human. Original video: https://youtu.be/PKp2cqaJtK4?si=6kyef7cp7Hd-xuHz Contact us: [email protected] Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vanessabentleylpc

Most of us don’t like conflict. Some of us are afraid of it. Some of us avoid it because we don’t know how to do it well. And some of us have gotten so good at shutting down that we barely register conflict at all. But avoiding conflict isn’t harmless. Over time, the things we don’t say—the hurt we swallow, the disrespect we ignore, the conversations we refuse to have—do something to us. They change our relationships, but they also change us. In this episode, I’m talking about what healthy confrontation actually looks like, why conflict avoidance can quietly erode your sense of self, and why learning to resolve conflict may be one of the most important mental health skills you can develop. And then I’m going back 2,000 years to look at Jesus’ instructions for handling conflict... because when you examine what He actually taught, there’s a remarkably sophisticated understanding of human psychology underneath it. What if conflict isn’t necessarily a threat to a good relationship?What if learning how to walk through it is part of what makes a good relationship possible? This is the Work of Being Human.

What if the way we think about mental health is actually making things worse? In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Sami Timimi, retired child and adolescent psychiatrist, psychotherapist, author, and longtime critic of the medicalization of human distress. And this conversation goes straight to the foundations. We talk about a question I’ve been asking for years: What happens when we take ordinary—and sometimes extraordinarily painful—human experiences and turn them into psychiatric diseases? Dr. Timimi argues that psychiatric diagnoses are not diagnoses in the medical sense at all. Unlike diabetes, cancer, or other medical conditions, psychiatric diagnoses have no objective biological marker that establishes the condition. Instead, they describe collections of behaviors and experiences—and then, far too often, we use the description as though it explains the person. That distinction matters. Because once we believe our diagnosis explains us, we may stop asking deeper questions: What happened to me? What am I responding to? What does my pain mean? What have I survived? What have I learned to believe? And how might my current struggles make sense in the context of my actual life? We also turn the same critical lens toward psychotherapy. Dr. Timimi challenges the increasingly technical model of therapy in which a diagnosis supposedly determines the treatment. Instead, we talk about therapy as fundamentally relational: one human being encountering another, without reducing that person to a pathology or assuming the therapist already knows what needs to be “fixed.” We discuss resilience, agency, suffering, meaning-making, the therapeutic relationship, and why understanding your pain as a reasonable human response may actually offer something the diagnostic model often cannot: Hope. One of my favorite ideas from this conversation is beautifully simple: stories of suffering are also stories of survival. There is always more to you than your pain. And there is always more to a human being than a diagnosis.

We’ve heard about toxic masculinity until we’re blue in the face. But what about TOXIC FEMININITY? In this episode, I’m turning the lens toward us women and asking what happens when the very qualities that make femininity powerful become tools for gaining power over other people. I explore the natural flexibility, responsiveness, creativity, and nurturing capacity of the feminine—and how those strengths can become distorted when we move from responding to reality to trying to control it. Using the Karpman Drama Triangle, I look at three dysfunctional roles we can move between: victim, rescuer, and persecutor. Each one may look different, but all three can become strategies for gaining power in relationships. And women can move between them remarkably quickly: helpless in one moment, morally superior in another, and rescuing someone else... all before lunch! This isn’t an argument against femininity. Quite the opposite. I want women to recover what is genuinely powerful about being female without turning our vulnerability, nurture, emotionality, or adaptability into weapons. Face reality. Embrace humanity. This is The Work of Being Human.

ADHD isn't a good enough explanation... Paul Drayton was diagnosed with ADHD in 2021. Like many people, receiving the diagnosis brought relief. Experiences and behaviors that had confused him for years suddenly had a name.But does giving something a name explain it?In this conversation, I wanted to try something different. Instead of interpreting Paul through the diagnosis, I wanted to understand HIM.So we moved away from the label and into his life.We talked about the sensitive little boy who sometimes escaped the noise of his home. A family where emotions weren’t easily expressed. A teenager whose mind wouldn’t quiet down. Alcohol. Addiction. Creativity. Impulsivity. Relationships. And a deeply human desire to be heard and understood.And the further we moved away from the diagnosis, the more interesting the conversation became.We also examine what we actually know about ADHD, what we don't know, and the difference between identifying a collection of behaviors and establishing their cause.This isn't about replacing one reductive explanation with another.I simply refuse to reduce a human being to one in the first place.Paul is not "ADHD."He is a man with a history, relationships, wounds, strengths, choices, adaptations, longings, and a story still being written.And, like every one of us, he is infinitely more interesting than a diagnosis could ever account for.Paul Drayton is an actor and author of Ride — Or Die Trying.Click subscribe to follow the show!Follow me on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/Follow the show: https://www.instagram.com/theworkofbeinghuman/Paul's book: https://www.amazon.com/Ride-Die-Trying-Before-Laughter/dp/B0HDR233Q9/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.zbHEfHT7LWcK5skFtpnfetf2njpzYJGzMI6RJNu1CPpuD5HHsQjOh90A5MEFcA0xH3moj6EYSJ9y00dLLQ71rHc0ARZH9Qg04Yb57OK4wc8M8guK4rxDGn2jKNsggHDjlb9UXuyUB4xDRErXjDrauCiZ4SnmlsS45HtjoLyljj7cVOd7nU7tGGSGGzPb2zLu5-FPsc6xieqIVkY7LpgxRVYYS0qG-f4kSd5X3tCo9hs.ywH5bmWrV2VuQCVSm_epW66i1Kr9WKadQIPBtYjw5Dg&qid=1789350621&sr=1-1