Tunnel Talk 212: The Slowest Penalty in History and the Unofficial Guide to Tulsa

The Crew gathered in the tunnel again this week... and immediately launched into an important discussion about BJ’s memberships. The warehouse club, allegedly. Once everyone finished behaving like mature adults, the Crew turned its attention to the future AlumniFi Field and debated what its stands should be called. The nominations include legitimate club legends, the Butchers’ Bleachers, the Shakira Stand, the Sex Eagle Stand and several other ideas unlikely to survive their first meeting with the sponsorship department. There is also soccer to discuss—unfortunately. The Crew revisits Detroit City FC’s baffling loss to Las Vegas Lights, a match in which Le Rouge created enough chances to win comfortably and converted precisely none of them. Then comes the 2–2 draw in Miami, Tommy Silva’s dramatic late equalizer and Chisom Egbuchunam’s stoppage-time penalty, which traveled toward the goalkeeper with all the urgency of AlumniFi Field’s original construction timeline. With DCFC heading to Oklahoma, Jam provides the definitive Tunnel Talk guide to Tulsa: visit the Woody Guthrie and Bob Dylan museums, admire the Art Deco architecture, find some pasta, drink heavily and try not to end up at another strange house party. The Crew also considers the oppressive heat, Tulsa’s short rest and Jam’s impeccable record of attending DCFC matches there without ever seeing Detroit win. Plus, live FC Tulsa updates that will be several days old by the time anyone hears them, Ben Morris joining the 100-appearance club, gout, sprained ankles, political shout-outs and another carefully researched episode number pulled directly from thin air. It’s Tunnel Talk: serious soccer analysis for people smart enough to listen to a more serious podcast—but unwilling to do so.