Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

The harder we push, the more our kids can push back. Fresh from a free-diving trip in the Philippines, Justin shares an unexpected parenting lesson from 20 metres underwater: staying calm can get you further than forcing your way through. Kylie brings it back to the village around our kids and the power of adults who stop, listen and make a child feel like the most important person in the room. KEY POINTS Why force often creates resistance with kids What freediving taught Justin about staying calm under pressure How regulating ourselves can change a difficult parenting moment Why kids need trusted adults beyond their parents The impact of giving children your full attention How ordinary moments can help rebuild the village around our kids QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Force creates resistance.” RESOURCES MENTIONED Let It Be Tough by Ant Williams Happy Families ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS When tension rises, slow yourself down before responding. Notice when you’re trying to force an outcome and soften your approach. Give your child your full attention when they want to tell you something. Think about the good adults in your child’s life and create more opportunities for connection with them. Be that trusted adult for another child in your wider family or community. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Location tracking. Checking a partner’s phone. Constantly asking where they are and who they’re with. For some teenagers, controlling behaviour is becoming so normal they may not even recognise it as a red flag. Justin and Kylie share three simple questions sparked by Victorian Attorney-General Sonya Kilkenny’s conversation with her teenage son: Do you know that’s wrong? Do you know that’s a red flag? What do the girls think? They unpack consent, coercive control, rejection and the messages boys are absorbing about what it means to be a man. Most importantly, they explain why these conversations need to start long before our kids begin dating. KEY POINTS Why jealousy, phone checking and location tracking can be mistaken for love or devotion Three questions that help teenagers recognise controlling behaviour Why conversations about consent should start when children are young Teaching kids to trust the feeling that says, “I don’t like this” Helping boys understand that rejection should be met with grace How online culture and unhealthy models of masculinity can shape boys’ ideas about relationships Why healthy relationships should leave people feeling safer and stronger Keeping conversations open so kids come to you when something doesn’t feel right QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Healthy males help the people around them feel safer and stronger.” RESOURCES MENTIONED Boys: Building Strong Men From the Inside Out by Dr Justin Coulson Victorian Attorney-General Sonya Kilkenny’s comments about coercive control Happy Families school parent presentations ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS Ask the three questions: When relationship behaviour comes up, ask, “Do you know that’s wrong?”, “Do you know that’s a red flag?” and “What does the other person think?” Start consent conversations early: Teach younger children that they can say no to unwanted affection, scary play or anything that makes them uncomfortable. Talk about what healthy masculinity looks like: Ask your child when they saw a boy or man help someone feel safer and stronger today. Talk about the opposite: Ask when they saw someone leave another person feeling smaller or weaker, then discuss what made the behaviour different. Keep talking: Make relationships, consent, pornography, online influences and red flags normal topics of conversation rather than one big awkward talk See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Is your child’s screen time spiralling—and every conversation about it ends in a fight? Professor Wayne Warburton, leading psychologist and researcher, reveals how apps and games are deliberately engineered to hook young brains. He explains the hidden neuroscience of addiction, what excessive screen use does to a child’s emotional regulation and attention, and how parents can reclaim calm without all-out war. If you’ve ever wondered why your tween melts down when you say “time’s up,” this episode is a must-listen. KEY POINTS Why modern apps use gambling-style tactics and AI to keep kids scrolling. How heavy screen use weakens the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain that manages focus, planning, and emotional control. Simple, science-backed steps to reset family screen habits and return kids to the “driver’s seat.” Practical advice for conversations that don’t turn into shouting matches. Why social connection doesn’t have to mean social media. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “It’s not your child’s fault—or yours. These products are built to be addictive. The goal is to put your child back in the driver’s seat, not the screen.” — Dr Wayne Warburton RESOURCES MENTIONED Dr Wayne Warburton’s books Growing Up Fast and Furious and The Importance of Media Literacy HappyFamilies.com.au for family screen-plan templates and parenting resources ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS Choose the right moment: Discuss screens only when everyone is calm and offline. Externalise the problem: Frame it as “us versus the tech designers,” not parent versus child. Co-create a plan: Involve kids in setting screen limits and consequences; write it down. Build healthy replacements: Help kids identify offline ways to cope with boredom, anxiety, or stress. Model balance: Show your own healthy screen habits—your example speaks louder than rules. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You’ve chosen the school you believe is best for your child. There’s just one problem. They absolutely refuse to go. When an 11-year-old is threatening to cut up his uniform and stay home rather than attend the high school his parents have chosen, pushing harder is unlikely to help. Justin and Kylie explain why force creates resistance, what might really be underneath a child’s refusal, and how to have the conversation that could change everything. KEY POINTS Why trying to convince your child you’re right can make them dig in harder The three needs driving your child’s response: connection, competence and autonomy Why feeling heard needs to come before problem-solving How to listen without adding your own interpretation Why writing your child’s concerns down can take the heat out of the conversation How to explain your reasons once your child knows you understand theirs Using trial days and agreed expectations to move forward Why the school that looks best on paper may not be the school where your child thrives QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Force creates resistance. The harder you push, the harder your kids push back.” RESOURCES MENTIONED Self-Determination Theory Basic Psychological Need Theory Autonomy-supportive parenting ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS Stop trying to win the argument. Shift the goal from convincing your child to understanding them. Ask what you’re missing. Give them space to explain every concern without correcting or defending. Write it down. Take their concerns seriously enough to make notes, then repeat them back without adding your interpretation. Wait for the “yes, you get it”. If they’re still correcting you, keep listening. Explain your why. Once they feel understood, share the two or three reasons behind your preferred school. Look for a workable next step. Consider an experience day, trial period or clear agreement about what giving the school a genuine chance will look like. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Some of the most well-intentioned things we say to our kids can backfire. From “Good job, you’re so smart” to “You’ll be fine” and “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”, Justin and Kylie unpack five common phrases that can undermine confidence, shut down emotions and create distance between parents and kids. More importantly, they share what to say instead to help kids feel understood, capable and connected. KEY POINTS Why too much praise can make kids depend on external validation The hidden cost of saying “I’m disappointed in you” Why “You’ll be fine” can leave a struggling child feeling alone How comparing siblings can fuel conflict and self-doubt Why saying “I was never good at maths either” can create a limiting mindset Simple phrases that build connection without trying to fix everything QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “You need to know that we love you no matter what.” RESOURCES MENTIONED Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman Research by Wolf Meyer on praise and children’s perceptions of ability Research by Eddie Brummelman on inflated praise Research by Avi Assor and Guy Roth on conditional parental regard ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS Swap automatic praise for curiosity: “What did you enjoy about that?” Replace disappointment with connection: “We love you no matter what. Let’s work through this.” Validate hard feelings before offering solutions: “This is really tough, isn’t it?” Stop comparing siblings, friends or abilities Replace “We’re just not good at that” with “Let’s work it out” See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.