Unmasking as an Autistic or AuDHD Adult and the Fear of Being Misread

Autistic unmasking is a healthy thing, and it can still get you read as a jerk, intimidating, or angry when you never meant any of that. In this episode I talk about what happens when you unmask as an autistic or AuDHD adult and other people misread your intention. A lot of us hear the same words from other people. Intense. Blunt. Too direct. Intimidating. I get into how that connects to the way autistic communication actually works, what the research says about the misunderstanding, and why it shows up so much in autistic and AuDHD social life. I share a personal story about growing up knowing my brain worked like my dad's, a worry I carried for years about being a certain kind of person because of it, and a therapy conversation after he died that half-answered the question. This one is part teaching and part storytelling, for anyone doing the slow work of being more themselves around other people. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN: Why unmasking can get your intentions read as jerk, angry, or intimidating What the research on autistic communication says about misunderstandings The therapy conversation I had about being like my dad The intention versus impact question How to think about masking and unmasking as choices you get to make CHAPTERS: 0:00 Unmasking is good, and you can still be read as a jerk 0:57 What this episode covers, and what unmasking really is 2:28 The misreads autistic and AuDHD adults keep hitting 3:54 Why autistic communication works fine with the right people 6:03 The time someone told me I was intimidating 7:29 Growing up knowing my brain was like my dad's 10:59 The concentrating face that gets read as anger 14:34 The pop psychology take on intention 17:15 The choices on your unmasking journey 19:56 Where to find more About Audio and Video This show is available as a video on YouTube. Some audio you are hearing is taken from the video versions that are recorded outside, and why there are some changes in the microphone quality. NEURODIVERGENT RESOURCES FROM JEN: AuDHD and autistic coaching (1:1): https://jendehaan.com/ Regulation Practice Library (free!): https://jendehaan.com/wired-divergent/practices/ Newsletter signup: https://jendehaan.com/newsletters Wired Divergent videos: https://youtube.com/@jendehaan Resources and blog posts: https://jendehaan.com Support the show We love our podcast host Capitvate.fm! Contact to ask me anything, anytime. Sign up with Captivate here: https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=yzjiytz We have our newsletters on Kit.com. Sell products, get tips, and a newsletter too. Easy, and they don't take a cut! https://partners.kit.com/ijdkivtf8ndd Transcriptions by MacWhisper. I use and love the Pro version (subscription free! Local!) - you can get it too using this link: https://gumroad.com/a/20303251/ivpqk Run Coaching or Courses? Absolutely love ClarityFlow. Seriously. Ask me anything, or sign up here. About This podcast was created, written, and is hosted by Jen deHaan. Jen has certifications related to healthy communities (Tufts University Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy), nervous system regulation, and she is a trauma-informed certified coach. She is working towards her board certified coach (BCC) credential, and has a BFA in teaching creative arts to adults. You can find her full bio here. This podcast was made in British Columbia, Canada by Jen deHaan. I respectfully acknowledge that I live and work on the unceded traditional territory of the Coast Salish peoples, and honour the homelands of the Qualicum First Nation and the Snaw-naw-as First Nation, as well as the ties of the Snuneymuxw and K'ómoks First Nations. I would like to express gratitude to these and all First Nations for their continued stewardship of these lands and waters where I create these episodes. DISCLAIMER: Wired Divergent is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you're in crisis or need clinical support, please reach out to a qualified professional. Crisis & Support Resources: https://jendehaan.com/mental-health-resources Full Disclaimer: https://jendehaan.com/disclaimer This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis: OP3 - https://op3.dev/privacy