We’ve been taught that being hard on ourselves makes us better. That if we just try harder, stay consistent enough, hold higher standards, and push through the exhaustion, we’ll finally feel like we’re doing this parenting thing right. But what if that constant self-criticism is the very thing burning you out? In this episode, I talk with Dr. D. Ivan Young about why self-compassion isn’t weakness — it’s emotional intelligence. And how misused empathy, especially toward yourself, creates resentment, over-functioning, and disconnection in your home. If you’ve been feeling exhausted, reactive, or stuck in your head replaying everything you did “wrong,” this conversation will connect the dots between your internal self-talk and the emotional tone of your entire family. Empathy is powerful — but when it’s weaponized against yourself, it becomes harmful. Refusing to give yourself grace Believing you should always do more Never allowing yourself to be human A lack of self-compassion doesn’t stay internal. It spills into your relationships as snapping, resentment, emotional withdrawal, and chronic over-functioning. You cannot pour empathy outward when you’re withholding it inward. The “Obnoxious Self” vs. Your Wise Self Dr. Young describes the “obnoxious self” as the internal voice that constantly criticizes and second-guesses: “You should’ve done better.” “Why can’t you handle this?” “Other moms don’t struggle like this.” This voice keeps you stuck in fight-or-flight mode. Practicing self-empathy helps you shift into your grounded, intentional self — the part of you capable of emotional intelligence and thoughtful parenting. The Security Guard vs. CEO Brain When you’re triggered, your amygdala — the “security guard” — takes over and locks your CEO (your prefrontal cortex) away. Your CEO is where: Emotional intelligence lives Curiosity lives Intentional parenting lives Self-compassion helps bring your CEO back online so you can respond instead of react. Over-Functioning as a Dysfunctional Normal Many overwhelmed moms live in constant over-functioning: Anticipating everything Fixing everything Managing everyone’s emotions While it feels responsible, over-functioning slowly pulls you away from authentic alignment — accepting your humanity and setting boundaries that protect your psychological safety. Self-neglect doesn’t just hurt you. It impacts your marriage and your children’s emotional development. Emotional Intelligence in Real-Life Conflict We also discuss practical tools you can use immediately: How pitch, tone, and facial expression regulate nervous systems Why moods are contagious and your presence sets the emotional temperature of your home A phrase introverts can use to speak up without escalating conflict: “I’ve been listening to everything you’re saying. May I share my perspective?” Emotional intelligence isn’t about controlling others. It’s about regulating yourself first. About Dr. D. Ivan Young Dr. D. Ivan Young is an ICF Master Certified Coach and author of Leading from the Heart. He has spent over two decades working at the intersection of behavioral neuroscience and human connection. After navigating a stage four cancer diagnosis, he deepened his research into resilience, identity, and the internal battle between the omniscient self and the obnoxious self. His work reframes self-compassion as essential to resilience, leadership, and emotional intelligence. Resources Mentioned Leading from the Heart by Dr. D. Ivan Young Connect with Dr. D. Ivan Young on LinkedIN The Best Mom’s a Happy Mom by JoAnn Crohn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices