The 90/10 principle simply means that 90% of the work of relational rebuilding is a husband's responsibility post betrayal (+ 100% of a husband's personal work). That 90% means going first, leading the process, holding the weight of the brokenness in the relationship, engaging, initiating, following through, amending, living forgivable and working on being trustworthy. The 10% that is a wife's work in the beginning is simply showing up and being a willing participant in the process, grieving, watching, waiting, navigating boundaries and needs, and finding a sense of security. That she has 10% isn't suggesting that she's got it easy; quite the opposite, her 10% is really hard. Where things get wonky (especially in the early work) is when we move beyond focusing on a hubands personal work and relational rebuilding work, and shine the spotlight on a wife's personal work. Shelley acknowledges that we all have work to do to grow and change, but the focus should not be on a wife's personal work in the post-betrayal dynamic. Ideally that happens later, after a husband has paved the way. Myth: There's infidelity in that relationship, so that relationship must be broken. Truth: There's infidelity in that relationship, so there must be a broken person in that relationship. A broken relationship has ZERO bearing on infidelity. Bottom line for Jason: God's not calling me to call you to your work. Masterclasses for men for June include Foundations of Freedom and Handling Her Triggers. Follow the links to sign up! We will be planning the next RLW Retreat soon. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know the dates and location for the next one (hopefully for this Fall!). We are hoping to do the next Empowered Boundary class for women this summer. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast