Playing With Fire

When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional processing is just what non-monogamy is all about.

The good news? It absolutely can become more easeful! In this episode, we explore what "boring polyamory" might look like and why it might actually be a good fit for you. We challenge the assumption that non-monogamy must be inherently harder than monogamy and offer practical insights for creating more sustainable, grounded relationships.

We’re breaking down:

— The difference between "easy" and "easeful" in relationships

— How we often mistake intensity for intimacy, and why that keeps us locked in drama cycles

— The ways we unconsciously validate our non-monogamy by staying in turbulence and conflict

— Why the premise that "monogamy is easier" is a harmful myth that keeps us stuck

— How our nervous system awareness directly impacts our capacity for easeful relationships

— The drama triangle and how it keeps us locked in unhealthy patterns

— The importance of making implicit expectations explicit through clear agreements

— Creating micro-spaces for reconnection and communication in your relationships

— Why familiar patterns will win out over healthy ones (and what to do about it)

— How to identify what a week of calm, fulfilling polyamory would look like for you

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it.

Whether you're new to non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, we all hit points where we question if the effort is worth it. The good news? There are concrete strategies you can use to build resilience and reconnect with your "why" – without burning yourself out in the process.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The difference between persisting through growth versus persisting through unnecessary pain

— How to assess whether you're genuinely at capacity or just expecting things to be easier than they realistically can be

— The importance of checking your actual capacity across different domains of life (physical, emotional, social)

— Practical ways to recognize your personal "tells" when you're becoming dysregulated

— Why the stories we tell ourselves about our exhaustion matter just as much as the exhaustion itself

— Building nervous system regulation skills to help manage relationship challenges

— The value of making meaning from difficulties rather than just trying to eliminate them

— Why it's impossible to "go back" to not knowing about relationship possibilities once you've started exploring them

— How the skills you're developing through non-monogamy benefit your growth regardless of your relationship structure

— The importance of community support when navigating relationship challenges

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun? The stress can quickly overshadow the joy you're hoping to experience.

We've been there! That first holiday season after opening up can feel overwhelming as you try to figure out how to integrate new relationship dynamics into established traditions. The good news is that it does get better with time, especially as you learn what works and what doesn't for your unique situation.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why holidays act as amplifiers for both joy and challenges in non-monogamous relationships

— The importance of documenting what works and doesn't work during your holiday season so you can make adjustments next year

— How to handle being at different levels of "outness" with different family members during holiday gatherings

— The additional stress that falls on people in "hinge" positions who are trying to balance multiple partners' needs and expectations

— Why non-monogamy often becomes the scapegoat for holiday stress (when holidays have always been complicated!)

— Practical strategies for redistributing emotional labor during the holidays

— The value of scheduling regular check-ins with partners during high-stress holiday periods

— How to identify and honor what brings you joy during the holidays rather than just following traditions out of obligation

— The importance of prioritizing relationships over holiday perfection

— Why reimagining holiday traditions can be a powerful opportunity to align your celebrations with your values

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance.

The truth? It's absolutely possible, but it requires intentionality, support, patience, and self-compassion. In fact, many trauma survivors may be especially well-equipped for non-monogamy; the healing work and skill development you’ve already done to manage your trauma could become powerful tools for navigating polyamory.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The common fear that trauma survivors have about whether they "can handle" non-monogamy

— Why trauma history is not a disqualifier for non-monogamy, but does require special consideration

— How opening up can actually provide evidence that your healing work is working

— The disconnect between intellectual readiness and bodily/nervous system readiness for non-monogamy

— Why trauma survivors often have robust toolboxes for managing relationship challenges

— The importance of pacing yourself and recognizing when you need to slow down

— How community support creates perspective and validation during challenging transitions

— The difference between a partner moving slowly versus stonewalling

— Why explicit repair practices are especially crucial for trauma survivors in non-monogamous relationships

— The value of creating flexible, time-bound agreements rather than rigid "forever" rules

— How the investment of time, energy, and patience can lead to profound growth and authentic relating

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood.

Many of us have experienced moments where something feels "off" in a relationship, but we can't quite put our finger on it. When inconsistencies emerge between what's said and what's done, trust begins to erode. But the path back to trust isn't impossible—it just requires dedicated, consistent work and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The critical difference between secrecy and privacy in relationships

— How keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as harmful as keeping them from partners

— The concept of "bifurcated monogamy" and how people can create separate, incompatible realities

— Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for those who unconsciously fragment their experiences

— How trauma responses can lead to secret-keeping behaviors without conscious awareness

— The relationship between autonomy and responsibility

— Why consent requires transparency and ongoing information-sharing, especially in interdependent relationships

— The importance of meta-conversations about how we communicate across partnerships

— How power differentials can impact one's ability to truly consent in relationships

— The long, non-linear journey of rebuilding trust after patterns of secrecy

— Why dismantling defensiveness is a crucial step in addressing patterns of secrecy

— How integration and differentiation work together to create authentic selfhood

Resources mentioned in this episode: