Playing With Fire

There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it's day-to-day preferences or deeper desires, knowing what we truly want helps us make authentic agreements with ourselves and others. So why is this process so difficult for many of us?In this episode, we’re exploring the psychology behind identifying our true desires, the obstacles that get in our way, and practical strategies for uncovering what we genuinely want. We share personal experiences and tips that can help you reconnect with your desires and use them to create a more fulfilling life.Here’s what we’re covering:— How disappointment can serve as a powerful compass pointing toward what we truly want— The crucial difference between what we genuinely want and what we think we should want— Why some of us struggle to identify our desires due to childhood experiences, birth order, or cultural conditioning— How to distinguish between assumptions about what will happen versus actual desires— The power of using envy and "justice jealousy" as indicators of our deeper wants— Practical techniques for accessing your imagination when you feel stuck or disconnected from your desires— Why constraints can sometimes help us identify what we want more clearly than complete freedom— How different personality types approach the process of wanting differently— The concept that "desire desires desire" and how the gap between wanting and having creates energy— Strategies for working with the tendency to lose interest once we obtain what we thought we wantedResources mentioned in this episode:— Jessica Fern's book Polysecure— Our episode on Justice Jealousy— Unruly: Our agreements lab for unconventional relationshipsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional processing is just what non-monogamy is all about.The good news? It absolutely can become more easeful! In this episode, we explore what "boring polyamory" might look like and why it might actually be a good fit for you. We challenge the assumption that non-monogamy must be inherently harder than monogamy and offer practical insights for creating more sustainable, grounded relationships.We’re breaking down:— The difference between "easy" and "easeful" in relationships— How we often mistake intensity for intimacy, and why that keeps us locked in drama cycles— The ways we unconsciously validate our non-monogamy by staying in turbulence and conflict— Why the premise that "monogamy is easier" is a harmful myth that keeps us stuck— How our nervous system awareness directly impacts our capacity for easeful relationships— The drama triangle and how it keeps us locked in unhealthy patterns— The importance of making implicit expectations explicit through clear agreements— Creating micro-spaces for reconnection and communication in your relationships— Why familiar patterns will win out over healthy ones (and what to do about it)— How to identify what a week of calm, fulfilling polyamory would look like for youResources mentioned in this episode:— Our Drama Triangle episodeJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it.Whether you're new to non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, we all hit points where we question if the effort is worth it. The good news? There are concrete strategies you can use to build resilience and reconnect with your "why" – without burning yourself out in the process.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between persisting through growth versus persisting through unnecessary pain— How to assess whether you're genuinely at capacity or just expecting things to be easier than they realistically can be— The importance of checking your actual capacity across different domains of life (physical, emotional, social)— Practical ways to recognize your personal "tells" when you're becoming dysregulated— Why the stories we tell ourselves about our exhaustion matter just as much as the exhaustion itself— Building nervous system regulation skills to help manage relationship challenges— The value of making meaning from difficulties rather than just trying to eliminate them— Why it's impossible to "go back" to not knowing about relationship possibilities once you've started exploring them— How the skills you're developing through non-monogamy benefit your growth regardless of your relationship structure— The importance of community support when navigating relationship challengesResources mentioned in this episode:— Normalizing Non-Monogamy's community resources— Marion Woodman's The Ravaged Bridegroom— James Hillman's works— Andrea Zanin's Post Non-Monogamy and BeyondPlaying With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the ⁠Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts⁠!JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun? The stress can quickly overshadow the joy you're hoping to experience.We've been there! That first holiday season after opening up can feel overwhelming as you try to figure out how to integrate new relationship dynamics into established traditions. The good news is that it does get better with time, especially as you learn what works and what doesn't for your unique situation.In this episode, we talk about:— Why holidays act as amplifiers for both joy and challenges in non-monogamous relationships— The importance of documenting what works and doesn't work during your holiday season so you can make adjustments next year— How to handle being at different levels of "outness" with different family members during holiday gatherings— The additional stress that falls on people in "hinge" positions who are trying to balance multiple partners' needs and expectations— Why non-monogamy often becomes the scapegoat for holiday stress (when holidays have always been complicated!)— Practical strategies for redistributing emotional labor during the holidays— The value of scheduling regular check-ins with partners during high-stress holiday periods— How to identify and honor what brings you joy during the holidays rather than just following traditions out of obligation— The importance of prioritizing relationships over holiday perfection— Why reimagining holiday traditions can be a powerful opportunity to align your celebrations with your valuesResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on learning how to spend time together as a polyculePlaying With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the ⁠Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts⁠!JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance.The truth? It's absolutely possible, but it requires intentionality, support, patience, and self-compassion. In fact, many trauma survivors may be especially well-equipped for non-monogamy; the healing work and skill development you’ve already done to manage your trauma could become powerful tools for navigating polyamory.In this episode, we talk about:— The common fear that trauma survivors have about whether they "can handle" non-monogamy— Why trauma history is not a disqualifier for non-monogamy, but does require special consideration— How opening up can actually provide evidence that your healing work is working— The disconnect between intellectual readiness and bodily/nervous system readiness for non-monogamy— Why trauma survivors often have robust toolboxes for managing relationship challenges— The importance of pacing yourself and recognizing when you need to slow down— How community support creates perspective and validation during challenging transitions— The difference between a partner moving slowly versus stonewalling— Why explicit repair practices are especially crucial for trauma survivors in non-monogamous relationships— The value of creating flexible, time-bound agreements rather than rigid "forever" rules— How the investment of time, energy, and patience can lead to profound growth and authentic relatingResources mentioned in this episode:— Free Nervous System Regulation Training— Trauma Rewired podcast hosted by Jennifer Wallace— Unruly: An Agreements Lab workshop for creating flexible, resilient agreements— Our free Repair Skills VideosPlaying With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts!JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions