Playing With Fire

Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it!

When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging something we lack or desire, which isn't always comfortable. But if you face it head on, partner envy can be a great opportunity for individuation and personal growth.

In this episode, we talk about:

— How envy of your partner often gets hidden behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment

— The difference between wanting what someone has versus wanting to be what they are

— Why "fairness" alarms often trigger us to reach for things we don't actually want

— The danger of compartmentalizing when comparing ourselves to our partners

— Common scenarios where partner envy emerges, especially in newly opened relationships with desire mismatches

— How unaddressed envy quickly transforms into resentment that damages relationships

— Why partners sometimes pull back from activities to avoid triggering their partner's envy (and why this doesn't actually solve anything)

— The reality that shifting relationship paradigms typically takes 3-5 years, not the 3-5 months many people hope for

— How to dig beneath surface envy to discover what you truly want when you're envious of something you don't actually desire

— The different experiences people of different genders have on dating apps and how this creates unique envy dynamics

— Why taking a narrow view often fuels envy, while stepping back to see the full picture can help dissolve it

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Let's be honest—most of us really don’t want to talk about envy. It's uncomfortable, it feels icky, and it brings up all sorts of emotions we'd rather not face. You know we love to talk about jealousy, but understanding envy, especially how it differs from jealousy, can also be incredibly valuable for relational and personal growth.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The difference between envy and jealousy, and why we often conflate them

— How envy involves comparing ourselves to others and breaking people down into parts rather than seeing them as whole humans

— The underlying sense of unfairness that fuels envy and how it can become destructive

— Why envy can be both a powerful motivator and a path to self-destruction

— How envy shows up specifically in non-monogamous relationships, especially when it appears alongside jealousy

— The way envy can point us toward our genuine wants and desires if we're willing to examine it

— How envy can be valuable individuation material that helps us understand our values and what we truly want

— The destructive potential of envy in relationships and communities when left unexamined

— Practical ways to work with envy when it arises, including using it as information rather than letting it control our actions

— The importance of considering not just what we envy in others, but whether we're willing to do what it takes to achieve similar outcomes

Resources mentioned in this episode:

New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in multiple places. We made this episode in response to a listener question—what do I do with all these feelings and expectations? How do I prepare for when this chemical cocktail starts to fade?

Even though it’s really exciting, this noisy emotional environment requires thoughtful navigation to maintain balance and authenticity. In this episode we’re helping you navigate everything from the big picture emotional questions to the practical, day-to-day questions like how to manage your schedule.

We’re breaking down:

— The neurochemical nature of NRE

— How NRE can lead us to project our desires onto new partners rather than seeing them clearly

— The difference between NRE (new relationship energy) and limerence, and why understanding this distinction matters

— Why NRE often causes us to mute our own boundaries and bottom-line requirements

— The challenge of maintaining authenticity when we're caught up in the newness of relationships

— How to recognize when you're abandoning yourself, your established partners, or your friendships during intense NRE periods

— The importance of explicit conversations about expectations rather than just "going with the flow"

— Strategies for pacing yourself and managing your energy when experiencing multiple NREs

— The transition from NRE to ERE (established relationship energy) and how to nurture deeper connections

— Why comparing your relationships is less valuable than examining how you show up differently in each one

Resources mentioned in this episode:

When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way?

Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead, reimagining opens space to explore what your relationship could become if you moved beyond your current ideas of what it is or was supposed to be.

This process requires courage, patience, and a willingness to step into the unknown together. It's challenging work, but it can lead to beautiful new forms of connection that honor both your history and your ability to grow and change.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why reimagining is different from de-escalation or uncoupling, and how it implies continuity rather than ending

— The importance of acknowledging that our imagination is our relationship in many ways

— How mononormativity limits our options when relationships need to change (stay together, break up, or be miserable)

— The necessity of creating a "liminal container" – a dedicated time and space for the reimagining process

— Why grief work is essential before you can truly reimagine something new

— The challenge of letting go of what was while maintaining connection

— How repair work fits into reimagination (hint: you can't skip it!)

— The importance of nervous system regulation during times of uncertainty

— Why creating new, explicit agreements is crucial for your reimagined relationship

— The value of celebrating when you successfully reimagine a relationship into something new

— How the language of "reimagining" itself can be empowering and create possibilities

Resources mentioned in this episode:

What does it really mean to live and love with integrity? How can we stay in integrity while navigating multiple relationships, agreements, needs, and wants that aren’t always in alignment??

The reality is that living in integrity, especially when you’re in multiple non-monogamous relationships, requires awareness, honest self-reflection, and sometimes making difficult choices. That may sound overwhelming, but this episode will help you learn how to create a solid foundation of the skills and habits you need to relate with others—and yourself—with integrity.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What integrity actually means

— Why it's so challenging to maintain integrity when different parts of ourselves want different things

— How over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships can get in the way of true integrity

— Why self-agreements create the groundwork for integrity in relationships

— Why shame often comes up when we realize we're out of integrity

— How to work with the nervous system response that arises when we notice we're out of alignment

— The importance of examining whether we actually want the agreements we're making

— Practical ways to rebuild integrity when we've gotten off track

— Why acknowledging when we're out of integrity is the first step back towards it

— How to handle situations where we keep breaking the same agreements

Resources mentioned in this episode: