Playing With Fire

Choosing monogamy on purpose is very different from defaulting, or being forced, into it. So what does it actually take to choose monogamy with real agency? This is we call creative monogamy: a relationship built around monogamy but custom-designed by the two people in it. The tools we're handed for monogamy–like unspoken expectations and agreements–don't stretch very far. But the skills of non-monogamy translate beautifully back to monogamy. And once you've started asking questions, there's no real "going back" to default monogamy. The more interesting question is whether your monogamy is consciously chosen, and whether it supports your differentiation and individuation. In this episode, we talk about: — Why you don't need non-monogamy to do individuation work (and why default monogamy rarely invites it) — Why non-monogamy skills translate to monogamy, but monogamy's default tools don't stretch the other way — The difference between default monogamy and conscious, consciously chosen monogamy — How much distance from the cultural story of monogamy you need to truly choose it, without having to practice anything else — Why "forever" turns monogamy into a one-way door and what that does to agency and ongoing consent — Why monogamy with a built-in time frame or review date feels different in the body — What's actually exclusive about your relationship, and why exclusivity usually assumes it will never change — What "emotional affairs" are often pointing to, and why talking about trust and meaning works better than policing friendships — Why agreements matter most as the ongoing conversations that make expectations visible, in any relationship structure — How hidden expectations like "firsts" show up for monogamous and non-monogamous couples alike — Practicing differentiation in a closed relationship: the difference between telling your partner what they can do and sharing what you're willing to take in — Why the lens of multiplicity keeps you from flattening your partner (or yourself) into one consistent person — What creative monogamy is, and why designing it on purpose can make monogamy even more committed — How to start: getting clear on your bottom-line requirements around monogamy and building in regular check-ins and renegotiation Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 56: Creative Monogamy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Opening a relationship rarely involves both people feeling the exact same level of excitement at all times. And that asymmetry in energy, enthusiasm, readiness, and initiative can bring up a whole host of confusing questions and challenging dynamics. We see this all the time. One person has a deeper inspiration, and the other person is receptive, but not as enthusiastic or motivated. This is totally normal. But our mono-normative culture reinforces narratives about who has the “good deal” and who has the “bad deal,” who’s responsible for all the hard stuff, and who gets to just enjoy the benefits. But here's the thing: trying to force symmetry into an inherently asymmetric situation doesn't work. Nature itself runs on asymmetry. The real work is learning to engage with the asymmetry rather than fighting against it – and that means both people taking radical responsibility for their own journey, their own consent, and their own growth. In this episode, we talk about: — Why asymmetric energy between partners is completely normal when opening a relationship — The difference between endogenous inspiration versus receiving the idea from a partner — How the stories we tell ourselves about this asymmetry can either bring us together or drive us apart — Why the person with initiating energy doesn't automatically become "good at" non-monogamy — The trap of trying to restore symmetry and why it's unnatural (and ultimately impossible) — How asymmetry can flip over time – and why the initiating partner often struggles when their "stable foundation" starts exploring too — The critical importance of engaged, enthusiastic, informed consent – even when you're not the inspired partner — Why enthusiasm in consent doesn't mean you have to like everything, and what it means instead — How taking ownership of your own learning process (rather than relying on your partner to teach you everything) is essential — The reality that paradigm shifts take 3-5 years of active participation – and then the rest of your life — Why making space for difference doesn't mean the relationship is failing — How to find your own motivation for this journey, even if you weren't the one who brought the idea forward — The beautiful possibility of being fully present and authentic even if the relationship ends or transforms completely JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When your partner falls in love with someone else, becomes a parent, or moves through profound grief during a breakup, you witness a transformation that has nothing to do with you. Except, as a witness, it also has the potential to affect you, and your relationships, profoundly. This week, we're joined by Lunarosa Peralta, a Xhicana therapist and poet specializing in consensual non-monogamy, kink, and sex worker affirming care. She brings both professional expertise and deeply personal experience to this conversation, having recently navigated some of the most destabilizing changes imaginable: watching one partner move through engagement, marriage, relocation, and becoming a father, while simultaneously supporting another partner through a painful breakup. What Lunarosa shares is raw, tender, and incredibly valuable. She talks about the grief that lives at the heart of all meaningful change, the work of re-creating your belonging when everything shifts, and why trying to understand your way out of pain might actually be protecting you from what you really need to feel. If you've ever struggled with being the witness to your partner's transformation—or if you're trying to figure out how to hold yourself when no one else can catch you—this conversation will meet you exactly where you are. In this episode, we talk about: — Why opening a relationship might mean you want to "break something" (and what that really means about growth and transformation) — The reality that change will happen in your relationships – and that you can't ask to change your relationship without expecting it to actually change — Why grief is an essential part of navigating non-monogamy, not a sign that something's wrong — The profound experience of watching your partner become deeply alive through someone else — What it means to be a witness versus being witnessed, and why you need more than one person to see you — The existential questions that arise when your partner changes — How to re-create your belonging in a relationship after major shifts, rather than trying to preserve what was — The difference between trying to understand your way through pain versus actually allowing yourself to grieve — Why self-witnessing and learning to hold yourself alone is essential muscle-building work — How childhood wounds and past experiences with change can make present transitions feel impossible — The realization that non-monogamy isn't just about sex and fun—it's about becoming more of who you are — Practical tools like grief dinners and community witnessing for processing change — Why "doing non-monogamy well" doesn't mean it won't hurt or be hard Resources mentioned in this episode: — Find Luna Rosa Peralta on Instagram @therapywithlunarosa — Visit Luna's website withlunarosa.com for information about workshops and community events JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Have you ever wondered what your partner looks like through someone else's eyes? It's a question that can bring up a swirl of emotions—curiosity, insecurity, excitement, maybe even panic. But what if that willingness to wonder is actually one of the keys to navigating jealousy and building deeper, more differentiated relationships? This episode dives into the beautiful, messy reality of watching our partners be seen in new ways. We explore how the presence of others (metamours, new partners, even close friends) can expose aspects of our partners we've never encountered, and how that can feel both threatening and liberating. We talk about the ego wobbles, the fear of being left behind, and the grief that comes with accepting that we can never fully know or experience everything about our partners. And we discuss why non-monogamy, for all its challenges, can be powerful medicine for breaking the illusion that we ever could. In this episode, we talk about: — The terror and confusion that can arise when a partner says they feel seen by someone who isn't you — How being seen freshly by someone new can help us discover new facets of ourselves — The fear that a new aspect of your partner won't fit in your relationship, and what to do with that fear — Our own experiences with this phenomenon in the context of kink — Why we can't (and shouldn't try to) replicate every version of our partners in our own relationships with them — The grief and poignancy of accepting that you'll never experience everything with your partner, and why that's actually essential to differentiation — How the illusion of monogamy can keep us from dealing with the reality that our partners are truly other — The tendency to displace discomfort onto metamours instead of sitting with the reality that our partner feels unfamiliar — Why increasing our distress tolerance around our partner's otherness is essential to individuation — How non-monogamy strips away the mirage that we could ever fully know or contain another person — The gift (even when it doesn't feel like one) of being reminded that our partners were never meant to stay inside the bubble of our imagination JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

What if the thing that’s really stopping you from changing your relationships isn’t a lack of motivation or willpower, but a frozen imagination? We all hold internal representations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships in our minds. This isn’t a bad thing. But when those images remain static, we stop seeing how things actually are and starting interacting with their outdated versions. This prevents us, our partners, and our relationships from accessing aliveness, creative potential, and the opportunity to grow into something new. But we can thaw out these frozen images, and when we do, we open ourselves up to possibilities that we couldn’t have imagined before. In this episode, we talk about: — Why our imaginations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships gets frozen in the first place — How frozen images can be both protective and limiting at the same time — The difference between intentionally freezing aspects of a relationship temporarily (like during a crisis) versus getting stuck in outdated versions — Why agreements are actually a byproduct of the ongoing work of updating our expectations and images — How emotional heat can help thaw out frozen images — The role of projections in keeping our images of others frozen — Why thawing out doesn't mean the frozen image was "wrong," and what it means instead — How frozen images from childhood and family systems continue to impact our adult relationships — The power of reintroduction rituals and accountability in updating relational images — Why asking "who in me is frozen?" can be more helpful than asking if your whole self-image is frozen — How trauma narratives can become frozen images that need to be inhabited fully before they can be thawed — The ongoing nature of this work and why it's both challenging and delightful Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 250 Relationship Re-Imagination: The Framework — Episode 204 Liminality: Your Key to Relationship Paradigm Shifting JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions