Playing With Fire

Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy."Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenges the foundations of mono-normativity. We explore how white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped our understanding of relationships, and how we can break free from these restrictive patterns to create more authentic connections.This conversation goes far beyond the typical focus on sex in non-monogamy discussions. Instead, we dive into how resource sharing, conflict resolution, and community building can help us create more liberatory forms of love—whether we're in monogamous relationships, polyamorous networks, or anywhere in between.In this episode, we talk about:— How white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped monogamy as the default relationship structure— The concept of "anarcule" as a way to understand relationships beyond sexual connections— Why perfectionism in relationships is a harmful aspect of mono-normativity that prevents authentic communication— How the nuclear family was designed as a political tool to counter feminism and socialism— Ways to practice resource sharing even if you're not interested in having multiple romantic partners— The importance of decentering sex in our understanding of relationships and asking "what does sex mean to you?"— Why Google calendars might actually hide conflict rather than resolve scheduling issues— Practical approaches to conflict resolution, starting with low-stakes issues to build capacity— How our nervous systems "time travel" during conflict, bringing up old wounds and patterns— The value of understanding who you become during conflict and how to work with different conflict stylesResources mentioned in this episode:— Mel Cassidy's new book: Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of MonogamyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question eventually surfaces: "How do we keep going without it feeling like endless work?"We understand this struggle deeply. The fatigue that comes with maintaining connection across distance is real and valid. But what if the solution isn't about working harder, but about reimagining what your relationship is actually for? What if the distance itself offers unique opportunities that proximity never could?In this episode, we talk about:— The importance of clarifying the purpose of your relationship and how this purpose might shift over time— Why mono-normative expectations can create unnecessary pressure in long-distance relationships— How to design relationship rituals that create meaning without becoming another obligation— The value of regularly revisiting and refreshing your relationship agreements— Understanding the unique grief that comes with long-distance relating and how to honor it— Finding the "golden shadows" of distance—the unexpected benefits that proximity doesn't offer— Why endurance alone isn't enough to sustain connection, and how meaning-making transforms the experience— The danger of idealizing proximity and forgetting the challenges that come with day-to-day relating— Creating structure that allows for both stability and novelty in your connection— Practical ways to inject fresh energy and imagination into long-distance relationshipsResources mentioned in this episode:— Francis Weller's work on griefJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that shape our relationships?Mono-normativity affects all of us, whether we're monogamous or not. Bringing these unconscious assumptions into the light can create more authentic, intentional relationships. Because here's the truth: you can't truly consent to something you don't know you're choosing.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between monogamy and mono-normativity— Why most couples never explicitly define what monogamy means to them—and the problems this creates— How to "individuate" your monogamous relationship by making conscious choices rather than following default scripts— The way exclusivity gets overcoupled with safety, specialness, and relationship validity— Practical ways to decenter monogamy without devaluing it— How auditing your language can help create more inclusive spaces for all relationship styles— Why making monogamy a conscious choice can actually strengthen your relationship— The importance of distinguishing between attraction, fantasy, and action in any relationship— How creative practices like making playlists, writing, and storytelling can help us imagine relating beyond mono-normative frameworks— The value of creating your own "monogamy statement" with your partner as a connective, clarifying exercise— Why questioning mono-normativity doesn't mean you have to change your relationship structure—it just means you get to choose it consciouslyResources mentioned in this episode:— Alex Alberto's memoir Entwined and their short filmJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

What happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call "the swamp"—a period where our once-vibrant sexual connection became strained, disconnected, and frankly disappointing. Despite having all the professional knowledge about creating great sex, we found ourselves stuck in patterns that weren't working, and the solutions weren't immediately obvious.It was a profound opportunity for growth and understanding–the experience taught us that magnificent sex isn't something you figure out once and then have forever. It requires ongoing attention, vulnerability, and a willingness to return to basics when things get off track.In this episode, we talk about:— What "magnificent sex" actually means (hint: it's about soul-shaking connection, not just technique)— The four key elements that create truly magnificent sexual experiences— How even sex educators can lose track of their own erotic needs and desires— Why our sexual "swamp" developed and the surprisingly simple interventions that helped us find our way out— The power of written requests on index cards for neurodivergent communication patterns— The importance of reconnecting with your own core erotic themes rather than just focusing on your partner's— How to create containers of safety that allow for vulnerability and presence— Why aftercare matters and how to customize it for each partner's specific needs— The value of accommodating different communication and memory styles in sexual contexts— Practical ways to rebuild connectionResources mentioned in this episode:— Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Ménard— The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin— Transcendent Sex by Jenny Wade— The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin— Joli's Sexual Shadow Masterclass— Our episode on Nurturing Established Relationship EnergyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It's a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partnership—and that's exactly why it deserves careful, thoughtful consideration.When you realize something fundamental about yourself has shifted (or perhaps was always there but unnamed), it's natural to want to share this with your partner. But how do you navigate this conversation without causing unnecessary harm or rushing into territory neither of you is prepared for?In this episode, we talk about:— Why rushing into action after this realization can lead to unnecessary pain and relationship damage— The importance of understanding what your current monogamy actually looks like before trying to change it— How to create space for both excitement about new possibilities and grief about what might be changing— The value of slowing down and sitting in the "liminal space" between paradigms— Why the person bringing polyamory into the relationship needs to be mindful of their partner's need for processing time— The difference between polyamorous identity and polyamorous behavior (you can be polyamorous without having multiple partners!)— How to approach the conversation with care, acknowledging that it may feel like betrayal to your partner— The importance of making explicit what has been implicit in your relationship— Why both partners need support during this transition, regardless of who initiated the conversationResources mentioned in this episode:— Our guide for having difficult conversations with your partner— Our episode on grief and relationship changes— Entwined by Alex AlbertoJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions