Playing With Fire

If you’ve ever been turned on by feelings of jealousy, you are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin wrote the book on compersion, so she’s the perfect person to join us to get real about erotic jealousy, humiliation, being “the unchosen one,” and why some of us get hot exactly where we’ve been hurt. In this reverse interview, Joli shares candid stories from early non-monogamy and triad life, using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealousy, and how disposability, comparison, and attachment wounds all show up in her erotic life.They also dig into the ethics and weirdness of fantasizing about real people (including metamours), the idea of “participatory jealousy,” and what it really takes to play with this energy without burning everything down. You’ll hear about kink as a tool for transformation, what happens in the “underworld” of big feelings, and how new erotic experiences can actually rewire old wounds—and make more room for compersion, nuance, and genuine choice in how you relate to jealousy.In this episode, we talk about:— Jealousy as a source of turn-on rather than a problem to fix— The relationship between jealousy, shame, and the struggle for Compersion— Joli’s personal journey with jealousy in early non-monogamy and triad living— Using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealous feelings— The erotic charge of disposability, being “unchosen,” and humiliation— How attachment wounds and humiliation kink intersect with jealousy— Ethical questions about fantasizing about real people (including metamours)— Using placeholders/roles vs. specific individuals in erotic imagination— The idea of “participatory jealousy” and reclaiming agency— Alchemizing jealousy into something transformative (using a Jungian/alchemical lens)— The role of safety, trust, and betrayal in whether jealousy play can be healing— Kink as a tool for psychological transformation, not just sensation— Memory reconsolidation and how new erotic experiences can rewrite old wounds— Keeping metamours present in the imagination to support compersionResources mentioned in this episode:— Dr. Marie Thouin’s website— Justin Lehmiller’s research on sexual fantasies— Joli’s guest episode on Girl Boner Radio with August McLaughlin— Episode 215 Nurturing Established Relationship EnergyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood.Many of us have experienced moments where something feels "off" in a relationship, but we can't quite put our finger on it. When inconsistencies emerge between what's said and what's done, trust begins to erode. But the path back to trust isn't impossible—it just requires dedicated, consistent work and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves.In this episode, we talk about:— The critical difference between secrecy and privacy in relationships— How keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as harmful as keeping them from partners— The concept of "bifurcated monogamy" and how people can create separate, incompatible realities— Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for those who unconsciously fragment their experiences— How trauma responses can lead to secret-keeping behaviors without conscious awareness— The relationship between autonomy and responsibility— Why consent requires transparency and ongoing information-sharing, especially in interdependent relationships— The importance of meta-conversations about how we communicate across partnerships— How power differentials can impact one's ability to truly consent in relationships— The long, non-linear journey of rebuilding trust after patterns of secrecy— Why dismantling defensiveness is a crucial step in addressing patterns of secrecy— How integration and differentiation work together to create authentic selfhoodResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on dismantling defensiveness— Our episode on weasel wordsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships!That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings.The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and disowned. And these aren’t always deep, dark shadowy parts—they can also be positive traits like creativity or intelligence.In this episode, we explore what projection is, how it shows up in relationships, and why reclaiming these “shadow” parts is essential for personal growth. Tune in to learn how working through projections can deepen your connections and help you see yourself—and your partners—in a whole new light.We’re breaking down:— What psychological projection is and how it operates in our subconscious minds— The role of projection in falling in love, limerence, and new relationship energy— How projection can interfere with seeing our partners as sacred, autonomous beings— The stages of becoming aware of and working through projections— Why reclaiming projected qualities is essential for personal growth— How projection relates to childhood wounds and unresolved issues from the past— The dangers of over-identifying with negative projections or shadow qualities— Practical strategies for recognizing and working with projections in relationships— The value of patience and compassion when addressing projections with a partnerResources mentioned in this episode:— Carl Jung's Collected Works (This is the Wikipedia page, to give you an idea of what the CW contains. If you’re looking for a good place to begin reading Jung’s work, Joli suggests Memories, Dreams, Reflections)— Episode 164: I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do.In this episode, we talk about:— What shadow work actually is and why Carl Jung's metaphor is so powerful yet simple— How our "monsters" operate autonomously when we don't acknowledge them— The relief that comes from finally recognizing and taking responsibility for our shadow aspects— Why personifying our shadow material can make it easier to work with— How kink and shadow work can intertwine as psychological practices— The difference between engaging with the "regalia" of kink versus the psychological depth— Why creating psychological safety is essential before doing shadow work with a partner— How projection reveals our shadow material in relationships— The importance of accepting enjoyment of shadow aspects without endorsing harmful behaviors— Why shadow work is a lifelong spiral rather than a circle we keep traveling— Ways to engage with your shadow independently if your partner isn't interested in this workResources mentioned in this episode:— Joli's ⁠Sexual Shadow Masterclass⁠— ⁠The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space⁠— Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't ContainJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us.These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an asshole.There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process.In this episode, we’re breaking down:— What the shadow is— What it means to do shadow work— How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow— Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves— Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections— How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships— Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an asshole)— The theory behind and process of Existential Kink— The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological workResources mentioned in this episode:— My Individuation Alchemy program— Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs— Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings WheelJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions