Beer Me That Movie

Logline: A failing hitman on a metric-boosting "Pro-Bono" contract falls for his target and must use his bumbling skills to fight off an AI-driven "Optimizer" assassin before the IRS—or a ninja—kills his vibe. Imagine your "Uber-for-Assassins" rating is so low you’re essentially the digital equivalent of a lukewarm ham sandwich. To save your SEO (and your life), you have to take a "Pro-Bono" hit on a target who turns out to be an ageless, Mezcal-drinking Marisa Tomei. This is FREELANCE. Welcome back to Beer Me That Movie, the podcast where we take ridiculous beer names and turn them into Blockbuster movie ideas! Today we’re diving into the blood-soaked, gig-economy underbelly of contract killing. Our 41st Feature Film follows Brian, a hitman with a 1.2-star rating, a "World's Best Dad" tote bag, and a 5-star heart. A few questions we’re going to -try- and answer in this feature film are:How many "Participation Trophies" does it take to become a 1-star assassin? Can you stop a Tier-1 Russian Spetsnaz killer with a salad fork while your date complains about balsamic vinaigrette? Is "Whale Bone Cocaine" actually a self-snort lobotomy?Follow the Madness:Website: beermethatmovie.com (Visit the Vault!) Voicemail: speakpipe.com/beermethatmovie Instagram/TikTok: @beermethatmovie 00:00:00 - Intro00:02:37 - Act 1: 1099’s and 1-Star Reviews00:31:19 - Act 2: The Stepmom Snag00:49:17 - Act 3: A Very Secret Bodyguard01:05:07 - Epilogue

Ladies, gentlemen, clones, and interdimensional Sexy Nuns—welcome to Fast Five #39! We are back to doing what we do best, even though Harrison STILL owes a dangerous amount of money to bill-collecting apes.Before we jump into the Untappd feed, we take a look in the rearview mirror at last week's triumphant Feature Film, Baby Ghost. We recap the interdimensional romance between a starving NYC artist and a 127-year-old Ellis Island ghost. We discuss the made-up science of procreating across dimensions and raising a half-ghost toddler who can walk through walls to become a master jewel thief. Jon is still trying to figure out if he's ever banged a ghost, and Harrison is going to need a lot of therapy (or a very strong beer) to wash that movie out of his memory.Tonight’s liquid inspiration is Floyds Deluxe from 3 Floyds Brewing, a clean, refreshing, and "gulp-able" 4.5% American Lager brewed with Indiana corn gritsWith the tank full, we shift into neutral and dive right into this week's Fast Five lineup:Fistful of GummiesScrimshawMeet Your ShadowZombie IceFreelance👇 Help us keep the lights on in the shed! Leave us a voice message: speakpipe.com/beermethatmovieVote in The Vault: beermethatmovie.comFollow us on Instagram: @beermethatmovieFind us on Untappd: Beer Me That MovieUntil next week... Peace, Punch, Gimme Your Lunch!

In a world full of terrifying hauntings, demons, and poltergeists, what happens when the spirit in your apartment just wants to see you succeed?Meet Jim, a struggling, starving artist living in a New York City apartment. He's out of ideas and out of luck, until he realizes his "roommate" is actually a beautiful ghost from the Ellis Island era who tragically died before she could get married. Instead of haunting him, she begins to motivate and encourage him, and they soon fall into an epic interdimensional romance.Defying the rules of life, death, and biology with a whole lot of "made-up science", they do the impossible: they create a baby ghost! Now, Jim and his ghost bride must navigate raising an ethereal toddler who can shuffle between the mortal coil and the beyond, phasing through walls to become the ultimate jewel thief. She waited 127 years for true love, proving once and for all that Love Never Dies.This Week’s Feature:Beer: Baby GhostBrewery: Wills🎧 Connect With Us:Website: beermethatmovie.comInstagram: @beermethatmovieLeave a voicemail: speakpipe.com/beermethatmovieHead over to the website to vote on your favorite past Fast Five ideas in The Vault!00:00:00 - Start00:02:20 - A Few Questions…00:03:18 - Act 1: The Haunted Canvas00:33:48 - Act 2: Love Never Dies00:54:13 - Act 3: The Birth of a Jewel Thief01:11:32 - The Epilogue

Mark your calendars, Shed Family, because a modern miracle has occurred: we are recording two weeks in a row without mysteriously vanishing into the ether! The Honda Hatchback is fully gassed up, the mics are hot, and the Cone Goblins haven't eaten our hard drives.Before we jump into the Untappd trenches, we take a look back at last week's triumphant feature film, Shepherd Warrior. We finally tackled the highly anticipated origin story of our holiest hero—the interdimensional Sexy Nun (now officially named Alexandra)Powered by our Beer of the Week, "Frank the Dank" from Lenny Boy Brewing (a West Coast IPA featuring Old School's Frank the Tank with a dart in his neck), we jump into this week's Fast Five lineup:Rolling Sevens (Zuul Beer Company): When Paul inherits a failing lawnmower tire factory, he tries to save the business by making tiny tires ("sevens") cool for luxury cars. His master plan? Pitching Shaq on a 20-wheel Bugatti that drives like a tank and can roll over thumbtacks... or peopleIn the Steep (Outer Range Brewing): A sci-fi prison break set on a penal colony at the edge of the atmosphere. The inmates invent a super-nutrient space potato, hollow it out, and ride it through the atmosphere back to Earth like a starchy spaceshipBaby Ghost (Wills): An interdimensional love story where a struggling artist falls in love with his ghost roommate. They procreate, birthing a baby ghost that phases through walls. Naturally, they train the infant to be a master jewel thiefFreedom in a Cage (Tactical Brewing): Set in a dystopian world of pure anarchy secretly ruled by Nicolas Cage, a man named Juliano tries to build a safe commune with rules, only to realize he hasn't created freedom—he's just built a slightly larger cageHot Dog (Explorium): Satan's personal pet escapes Hell for a weekend on Earth. Realizing humans are pretty nice, the Devil's Dog goes rogue, preventing people from making bad decisions and absolutely ruining Satan’s Q4 quota for damned souls👇 Help us keep the lights on in the shed! Leave us a voice message: speakpipe.com/beermethatmovieVote in The Vault: beermethatmovie.com Follow us on Instagram: @beermethatmovie Find us on Untappd: Beer Me That MoviePeace, Punch, Gimme Your Frank the Dank!

He brought the gospel of peace. She brought a tactical shepherd's crook. Two thousand years ago, under the exact same star in Nazareth, humanity received a savior... and an enforcer.Meet the unknown half-sister of Jesus. Born in a pre-paid manger just three blocks down to Joseph's "side piece," she wasn't destined to be a carpenter or a leader of men. While her brother was preaching, she was the "adjudicator of men," acting as a secret mafioso who cornered the wine market and protected her flock by punching Romans in the face. When the heat gets too intense, she adopts a radical disguise, transforming into the universe's ultimate protector and history's most famous immortal badass: the interdimensional Sexy Nun.It's an epic, blood-soaked origin story featuring holy vengeance, immaculate combat, a time-traveler from Loggerstan, and Marisa Tomei giving birth next to a cow and a pig.This Week’s Feature:Beer: Shepherd WarriorBrewery: Five Stones Artisan BreweryConnect With Us:Website: beermethatmovie.comInstagram: @beermethatmovieLeave a voicemail: speakpipe.com/beermethatmovieHead over to the website to vote on your favorite past Fast Five ideas in The Vault!00:00 - Intro02:17 - Act 1: The Other Manger30:58 - Act 2: The Adjudicator of Men Act 2: The Adjudicator of Men46:43 - Act 3: The Origin of the Sexy Nun58:04 - Epilogue Notes