A Better Divorce Podcast with Andrea Vacca

Thanksgiving, Christmas morning, the first night of Hanukkah, New Year's Eve. These are the days divorcing parents fight hardest to keep, and they often become the most heated part of a parenting negotiation. In this follow-up to the previous episode on handling the first holidays during a divorce, Andrea Vacca turns to what comes after: the legal and practical path to a post-divorce holiday schedule that works and keeps conflict as low as possible. As she puts it, "The holidays compress everything that's hard about co-parenting into a few weeks." That is why she wants families to start planning well before the season arrives. Andrea explains why a court-imposed schedule often falls short. A judge has never met your children, doesn't know your family's rhythms, and usually defaults to a standard odd-year, even-year rotation. That can make little sense for a family whose children always spend the first night of Hanukkah with a grandmother or Thanksgiving with relatives in another state. In mediation or collaborative divorce, parents design the schedule themselves with professional support. Andrea walks through the most common models: alternating years, split days, fixed traditions, customized plans built around where a family celebrates, approaches for mixed-faith families, ways to divide winter break, and co-celebrating. She is candid about where each one helps and where it strains children. The second half of the episode covers preparation and the long view. Andrea encourages each parent to write down the days and moments that matter most, to separate personal preferences from what the children need, and to build annual check-ins into the agreement so the plan can change as children grow and new partners and traditions come into the picture. "A parenting plan isn't a document you just file and forget," she reminds listeners. "It's a living agreement that needs to grow with your family." Key Takeaways ● When a judge sets the holiday schedule, it usually follows a standard alternating template. Mediation and collaborative divorce let parents design a plan around their own traditions, extended family, and actual schedules. ● Common models include alternating years, split days, fixed traditions where each parent always has a specific day, and fully customized plans. Each one fits some families better than others. ● Saying "we'll figure it out" is not a plan. Even parents in very low-conflict divorces benefit from a clear, written holiday schedule. ● Before negotiating, each parent should list the days and moments that matter most, then separate personal preferences from the children's need for consistency and time with both parents. ● Build an annual check-in into the agreement, ideally in summer or fall, so the schedule can change as children grow without a return to court. ● Divorce coaches, child specialists, family therapists, mediators, and collaborative attorneys can help script hard conversations and stay available to help if the plan needs to change later. Connect with Andrea Vacca ● A Better Divorce Podcast: https://www.vaccalaw.com/a-better-divorce-podcast ● Website: https://www.vaccalaw.com ● LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/andreavacca/ ● Twitter: https://twitter.com/AndreaVaccaEsq ● Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/VaccaNYFamilyLaw ● Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vacca_familylaw/ #ABetterDivorce #DivorceAdvice #IntentionalDivorce #DivorceLawyer #PositivePsychology #DivorceCoach #NewYorkDivorce #CoParenting #DivorceSupport #BetterDivorce #HolidayCoParenting #ParentingPlan #CollaborativeDivorce #DivorceMediation

The holidays keep coming even when your family is coming apart. Traditions stay on the calendar, extended family still has expectations, and children still count down to the first night of Hanukkah or Christmas morning. In this solo episode, Andrea Vacca speaks to parents facing their first holiday season during or after divorce. She offers practical guidance on staying present for your children and for yourself when so much feels uncertain. Andrea starts with how children experience the holidays. For kids, the season means ritual and predictability as much as presents. That's why a sudden break in routine can feel so destabilizing. She explains why children often feel caught between their parents and why the schedule should never be left for them to decide. Her advice on telling kids about changes is simple: "I want you to remember that what you say to your kids about changes to the holiday schedule matters less than how you say it." She shares the story of a client who stayed home while her children went on a long-standing family cruise with their father and grandparents. By reassuring the kids that she would be fine, this mother made it possible for everyone to enjoy the holiday. Andrea also covers which traditions continue and which change, and why co-parents should talk about this well before the season arrives, with help from a mediator or attorneys if needed. She offers a framework for multi-faith families, suggests ways to build new rituals with your children, and then turns to the parent who will spend part of the holiday alone. Grief and relief, loneliness and freedom can all show up in the same hour. Andrea makes the case for putting some structure around self-care, staying in touch with your support system, and giving yourself grace through a season that is hard and also the start of something new. Key Takeaways ● Children experience the holidays as ritual and routine, so keeping familiar traditions can steady them while so much else is changing. ● Never ask children to choose which parent or side of the family they will spend the holiday with. Setting the schedule is the parents' job, and doing it lifts a burden off your kids. ● Tell children about the plan in a calm, confident voice. Keep it simple and concrete for younger kids, and let older kids and teens know both parents have agreed. ● Talk with your co-parent about holiday traditions before the season starts. A mediator or your attorneys can help frame the conversation if talking one-on-one is difficult. ● Multi-faith families can give each parent lead responsibility for the holiday that means the most to them, so children get the full experience of both. ● If you'll be without your children for part of the holiday, make plans, keep your therapy sessions, and lean on friends, family, or support groups for divorced parents. Connect with Andrea Vacca ● A Better Divorce Podcast: https://www.vaccalaw.com/a-better-divorce-podcast ● Website: https://www.vaccalaw.com ● LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/andreavacca/ ● Twitter: https://twitter.com/AndreaVaccaEsq ● Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/VaccaNYFamilyLaw ● Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vacca_familylaw/ #ABetterDivorce #DivorceAdvice #IntentionalDivorce #DivorceLawyer #PositivePsychology #DivorceCoach #NewYorkDivorce #CoParenting #DivorceSupport #BetterDivorce #HolidaysAndDivorce #CoParentingHolidays

"Feeling resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Andrea Vacca has come back to that saying many times in her work, because she watches it play out in divorce after divorce. In this solo episode of A Better Divorce Podcast, Andrea looks at what resentment costs: money, health, peace of mind, the co-parenting relationship and children who take in conflict whether their parents intend it or not. Meanwhile, the spouse at the center of all that anger goes on with their life and pays nothing. Andrea starts with what she calls the hidden invoice. That's the billable hours spent relitigating old grievances, the motions filed to score a point, and the negotiations that fall apart once a conversation turns into a fight. She makes clear that resentment is a natural response to real pain and that the feelings behind it are valid. What she separates is feeling resentment and letting it drive your decisions, and she explains why that gap is where divorces get expensive. She adds a hard truth she often shares with clients: your spouse will likely behave in the divorce the way they behaved in the marriage, and the one thing you can always control is your own response. The episode then covers three practical strategies. The first is to focus forward, using a simple written exercise as a compass in every legal meeting. The second is to build a team that calms conflict instead of feeding it. Andrea describes a client case in which close coordination with a therapist who was also a collaborative divorce coach helped the client move past deep anger and reach an agreement both spouses could live with. The third is to stay clear on what you're trying to protect. Andrea closes with her Better Divorce Tip and a free e-book, Divorce Without Court: A More Peaceful Solution. Key Takeaways ● Resentment creates a hidden invoice. Revisiting past grievances, filing motions to make a point and stalled negotiations all add billable time that nobody budgets for at the start of a divorce. ● Your spouse will probably handle the divorce the same way they handled the marriage. Waiting for them to change costs you time, fees and energy, while focusing on your own responses puts you in a strategic position. ● The past is already paid for. Write down three things you want your life to look like two years from now, and use that list to test every decision that comes up. ● Your attorney's job is the legal work. A therapist or divorce coach working alongside your lawyer helps you show up clear-headed and keeps your legal fees going toward legal work. ● Fighting over things with symbolic value can cost tens of thousands of dollars. Keep your attention on your finances, your children and your own well-being. ● The emotional story deserves to be processed, but it shouldn't make your legal decisions for you. Connect ● A Better Divorce Podcast: https://www.vaccalaw.com/a-better-divorce-podcast ● Vacca Family Law Group: https://www.vaccalaw.com ● Andrea Vacca on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/andreavacca/ ● Twitter: https://twitter.com/AndreaVaccaEsq ● Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/VaccaNYFamilyLaw ● Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vacca_familylaw/ #ABetterDivorce #DivorceAdvice #IntentionalDivorce #DivorceLawyer #PositivePsychology #DivorceCoach #NewYorkDivorce #CoParenting #DivorceSupport #BetterDivorce #Resentment #CollaborativeDivorce

Andrea Vacca opens this episode with a scenario that plays out more often than most New Yorkers realize: a well-known restaurateur files for divorce, a gossip column has the story within 48 hours, and inside a week his bankers, business partners, and the city's food media are all asking questions about a business that took two decades to build. He did nothing wrong. He filed in a public court, and the public court did exactly what a public court does. The second half of that story matters just as much. His spouse, the one managing the family finances and raising the children while the business grew, now finds her name, her assets, and her future in the same coverage. From there, Andrea widens the frame. High net worth in New York is not only hedge fund managers and tech founders. It is the private business owner whose valuation and partner agreements become fair game. It is the journalist, producer, or talent agent whose professional standing rests on reputation and relationships. It is the executive with equity subject to clawback provisions and a morality clause in the employment contract. And it is every spouse married to one of those people, who inherits the exposure without ever having built the profile. Andrea also clears up a common misunderstanding about New York procedure: divorce records are sealed, but your name and index number are not, courtrooms are open to the public, and anyone who knows when your motion is being argued can sit in the room and listen to opposing counsel characterize your finances and your behavior out loud. The rest of the episode is a practical comparison between a court divorce and a private one. Andrea walks through the differences in disclosure, from sweeping subpoenas and years of discovery demands to voluntary, targeted exchange of the documents that actually matter. She contrasts a judge carrying hundreds of cases a week with a mediator or collaborative team that helps two people build a bespoke agreement in a conference room or on Zoom. She is candid about cost, both the hundreds of thousands of dollars a litigated New York divorce can consume and the goodwill that co-parents cannot afford to spend. And she names the tension at the center of it all: the instinct to be heard in front of a judge, weighed against the instinct to protect your children, your business, and your name. Her position is direct. Privacy is not a luxury, it is the one asset entirely within your control, and the decision to protect it has to be made early, before the lawyers are hired. Key Takeaways ● In New York, divorce records are sealed, but your name and index number are accessible, court calendars are public, and oral arguments can be heard by anyone who shows up. ● The spouse without the public profile often has the most to lose, since financial details and allegations enter the same public setting regardless of who built the reputation. ● Business owners, media and entertainment professionals, and executives face concrete consequences from a public filing, including partner tension, lost client work, and employment contract exposure. ● Mediation, collaborative divorce, and attorney-assisted negotiation keep the process out of the courtroom entirely, with confidential meetings and voluntary, relevant disclosure instead of blanket discovery. ● A judge with 45 minutes cannot account for the nuance of a 20-year marriage, while a private process lets both spouses shape an agreement built for their actual family and finances. ● Choosing privacy is a strategic decision, not a concession, and it has to be made by both people before anyone files. Connect with Andrea Vacca ● A Better Divorce Podcast: https://www.vaccalaw.com/a-better-divorce-podcast ● Website: https://www.vaccalaw.com ● LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/andreavacca/ ● Twitter: https://twitter.com/AndreaVaccaEsq ● Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/VaccaNYFamilyLaw ● Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vacca_familylaw/ #ABetterDivorce #DivorceAdvice #IntentionalDivorce #DivorceLawyer #PositivePsychology #DivorceCoach #NewYorkDivorce #CoParenting #DivorceSupport #BetterDivorce #HighNetWorthDivorce #CollaborativeDivorce #DivorceMediation #DivorcePrivacy

Andrea Vacca has watched the same pattern play out for three decades: the people who move through divorce with the most clarity and the least damage almost always have someone on their team most clients have never heard of. Not another attorney. Not a therapist. A divorce coach. In this solo episode, Andrea makes the case for why she recommends one to every client she works with, and why that single addition often changes the shape of the entire process. She starts by naming the way most people navigate divorce: hire a lawyer, lean hard on friends and family, and white-knuckle the rest. It leaves people exhausted, reactive, and making decisions from pain instead of clarity. A divorce coach fills the gap. As Andrea frames it, your attorney handles the law, your financial advisor handles the numbers, and your divorce coach handles you: your clarity, your communication, and your ability to make sound decisions under pressure. From there, Andrea walks through her five reasons a coach belongs on every divorce team. A coach saves money by keeping you from processing emotions on your attorney's clock. A coach helps you separate what you actually want from what everyone around you thinks you should want. A coach helps you communicate without escalating conflict, especially where co-parenting is at stake. A coach spots roadblocks before they stall the case, and a coach keeps you organized through the mountain of paperwork divorce generates. Together, she argues, those five things add up to something bigger: the ability to make decisions from your best self rather than your most frightened one. Key Takeaways ● A divorce coach is not a therapist or a legal advisor. They are trained professionals who help you make clear, forward-focused decisions specifically during divorce. ● Coaching often saves more than it costs. Processing emotions with a coach at a lower rate keeps you from doing it on your attorney's more expensive clock. ● Well-meaning friends and family give you their story, not yours. A coach is objective, with no personal stake and no shared history to color the advice. ● Therapy and coaching serve different purposes. Therapy often looks backward to heal; coaching looks forward to build skills and solve the problems in front of you now. ● The communication patterns you set now shape your co-parenting relationship for years, which is why managing conflict early matters so much. ● Building the right team is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of wisdom, and it leads to less conflict, a faster process, and lower overall cost. Connect with Andrea Vacca: Website: https://www.vaccalaw.com LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/andreavacca/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/AndreaVaccaEsq Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/VaccaNYFamilyLaw Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vacca_familylaw/ #ABetterDivorce #DivorceAdvice #IntentionalDivorce #DivorceLawyer #PositivePsychology #DivorceCoach #NewYorkDivorce #CoParenting #DivorceSupport #BetterDivorce