Happy in The Middle, The Christian Marriage & Midlife Podcast with Jane Copier

Stop Weaponizing Personality Tests and Attachment Styles Jane loves the Enneagram, attachment theory, and other personality tools, and uses them with couples every day. But she’s also watched couples turn that same information into the most sophisticated weapons, winning the argument while the relationship loses. In this episode, we talk about how to use these tools the way they were meant to be used. Scripture: Matthew 7:3-5 and Galatians 6:1-5 What We Talk About Why the tools aren’t the villain. How personality tests and attachment styles give us language for things we’ve felt but couldn’t express. Weapon #1: The Diagnosis. “You’re just a Type 4, that’s why you’re so needy.” When we stop describing a pattern and start attacking character. Weapon #2: The Shield. “That’s just my attachment style, I can’t help it.” When a label becomes a permission slip. Weapon #3: The Trump Card. “Even the quiz agrees with me.” When we recruit a third-party judge to declare us right. The speck and the plank (Matthew 7:3-5). Why we get so good at spotting what’s in our spouse’s eye that we give it a color-coded chart. The one question to ask. What is this information for? Understanding is a tool; explaining what’s wrong with him is a weapon. Emotional childhood vs. emotional adulthood. Brooke Castillo’s teaching from The Life Coach School, and why “you make me feel” is the oldest sentence in the world, just dressed up in nicer vocabulary. Self-coaching Model basics. Circumstance, thought, feeling, action, and why the answer to “I feel hurt” isn’t found in his behavior. Letting people be who they are. What it looks like to take care of your own needs and let your spouse take care of his. Five Ways to Use These Tools as an Emotional Adult Point it at yourself first. What do I tend to think when I feel criticized? Do I withdraw, defend, fix, or chase? Hold it as a question, not a verdict. “Does this fit? Does it feel true?” Let your spouse be the expert on himself. Pair the assessment with ownership. Own the thought, own the feeling, and make a request instead of a demand. Treat differences as information, not malfunctions. His wiring isn’t wrong because it’s different from yours. Hold labels loosely. A quiz you took on a Tuesday is a snapshot, not a life sentence. Key Takeaways A label can help you understand your spouse, but it should never be a final verdict. Emotional childhood is the default setting for all of us. It’s not a character flaw, but it keeps us arguing for our limitations. Give an emotional child a chart and they’ll use it to prove it’s your fault. Give an emotional adult the same chart and they’ll find more compassion. Curiosity is the oxygen of a close and loving marriage, and diagnosing kills it. When you catch yourself using a label as a weapon, repair it: “That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry. Can I try again?” Challenge of the Week For the next seven days, every time you reach for a label (his type, his attachment style, or even your own as a shield), pause and ask: What is this information for? If the answer is understanding, go ahead. If it’s to win, to prove, or to protect yourself from feeling something, let it go unsaid. Then pick one recurring frustration and walk it through the Model on paper before you bring it up. A Note From Jane If your marriage includes any intimidation, control, or fear, or if these patterns trace back to deep wounds or trauma, please don’t try to solve that with a podcast and a good attitude. A licensed counselor or therapist is a wise, brave addition. Fall Specials Ending Soon! Stuck in the same recurring conflict? Grab a six-pack of private coaching sessions at the lowest price in 8 years, and let’s work through it together. [Add link and end date] Connect With Jane Website: jane-copier.com Marriage Breakthrough Membership: [add link] If today’s episode helped you, like, subscribe, and share it with a friend! Thanks for listening! 🤗 Book a Free Consultation with Jane: https://JaneCopierCoaching.as.me/Consultation Have a question for the show? Send it in, and it may be answered on a future episode of Happy in the Middle. Send your question to [email protected] 🍂 Fall Coaching Specials: Private coaching sessions at $100 each, the lowest pricing since Jane started coaching in 2019. Book for yourself, for the two of you as a couple, or as a Christmas gift for your adult children. Offer Ends October 31st.: Six Sessions for only $600! https://www.jane-copier.com/offers/xyZ2hxkR Single Sessions, $150 https://www.jane-copier.com/offers/Kzt7DW7E/checkout Love this episode? Share it with another couple who could use a little help lightening up this season, and leave a review so more Gen X Christian women can find us. 🤗 Thanks for listening, please like, subscribe, and leave me a 5 star review, so that I can continue to provide helpful relationship content for all of us. Book a Free Consultation with Jane Get my FREE Marriage Reset Starter Kit: https://www.jane-copier.com/StarterKit Welcome to Happy in the Middle, with your host, The Christian Marriage Coach, Jane Copier. I’m Jane Copier, and you're listening to Happy in the Middle, a podcast for Christian women navigating marriage, family relationships, and the beautiful work of becoming who God created them to be. As the Christian Marriage Coach, each week I offer practical tools and faith-filled conversations to help women just like you, create deeper connection, healthier communication, and a life, -and marriage, they love to coming home to. Let’s dive in! 3 Simple Steps to Leave an iTunes Review: Click here to listen in iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/happy-in-the-middle-a-podcast-for-christian-midlife-women/id1715566489 Scroll down until you see the reviews, and then click the button that says, “Leave a Review” Leave your review! Easy peasy! Find Jane at: Website: https://janecopiercoaching.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@christianmarriagecoach IG: https://www.instagram.com/jane.copier.coaching/ FB: https://www.facebook.com/LDSChristianMarriageCoach Email: [email protected] ❤️ Fell like private coaching is a better fit for you? I'd be honored to walk with you. Book a Free Consultation

I recently pulled this episode up to remember for myself, -and I thought if it was helpful for me, it would likely be helpful for you too! Enjoy this encore episode, “Four Fall Habits to Nourish Your Soul.” Listen in and share your favorite habits with me as well! I love it when we learn together. Thanks for listening! 🤗 Book a Free Consultation with Jane: https://JaneCopierCoaching.as.me/Consultation Have a question for the show? Send it in, and it may be answered on a future episode of Happy in the Middle. Send your question to [email protected] 🍂 Fall Coaching Special: Private coaching sessions at $100 each, the lowest pricing since Jane started coaching in 2019. Book for yourself, for the two of you as a couple, or as a Christmas gift for your adult children. Offer Ends October 31st.: Six Sessions for only $600! https://www.jane-copier.com/offers/xyZ2hxkR Single Sessions, $150 https://www.jane-copier.com/offers/Kzt7DW7E/checkout Love this episode? Share it with another couple who could use a little help lightening up this season, and leave a review so more Gen X Christian women can find us. 🤗 Thanks for listening, please like, subscribe, and leave me a 5 star review, so that I can continue to provide helpful relationship content for all of us. Book a Free Consultation with Jane Get my FREE Marriage Reset Starter Kit: https://www.jane-copier.com/StarterKit Welcome to Happy in the Middle, with your host, The Christian Marriage Coach, Jane Copier. I’m Jane Copier, and you're listening to Happy in the Middle, a podcast for Christian women navigating marriage, family relationships, and the beautiful work of becoming who God created them to be. As the Christian Marriage Coach, each week I offer practical tools and faith-filled conversations to help women just like you, create deeper connection, healthier communication, and a life, -and marriage, they love to coming home to. Let’s dive in! 3 Simple Steps to Leave an iTunes Review: Click here to listen in iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/happy-in-the-middle-a-podcast-for-christian-midlife-women/id1715566489 Scroll down until you see the reviews, and then click the button that says, “Leave a Review” Leave your review! Easy peasy! Find Jane at: Website: https://janecopiercoaching.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@christianmarriagecoach IG: https://www.instagram.com/jane.copier.coaching/ FB: https://www.facebook.com/LDSChristianMarriageCoach Email: [email protected] ❤️ Fell like private coaching is a better fit for you? I'd be honored to walk with you. Book a Free Consultation

Jealousy is one of the most human emotions there is, and for many women it gets louder in midlife. In this episode, Jane answers a question from Sandy, a listener who just turned 50. A new neighbor has moved in who seems to have everything: a "perfect" body, a successful husband, plenty of money, and a warm welcome from Sandy's friends. Sandy feels tortured, can't stop thinking about her, and feels ridiculous for feeling this way. Jane explains why jealousy isn't the neighbor's fault, how the Self-Coaching Model shows that our thoughts create the feeling, and how to move from scarcity to abundance. She also shares a five-step process you can use the next time the sting hits. In this episode, you'll learn Why feeling jealous doesn't make you a bad person The difference between jealousy and envy, and why the tools work for both How the Self-Coaching Model (Circumstance, Thought, Feeling, Action, Result) shows where jealousy really comes from Why jealousy is a scarcity story ("she won, so I lost") and how to break it Why comparing your insides to someone else's outsides always leaves you short How jealousy can point you toward what you truly want, and whether you really want it A five-step process: notice it, find the thought, look for the insecurity, choose a new thought on purpose, and ask four powerful questions A simple challenge for this week: get curious about her instead of treating her as competition Key takeaway Someone else's blessing isn't a withdrawal from your account. There is enough, for her and for you. Scripture referenced Proverbs 14:30 (NIV): "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Resources and mentions Coaching concepts adapted from Brooke Castillo, The Life Coach School Podcast, Ep #21: "Jealousy": Have a question for the show? Send it in, and it may be answered on a future episode of Happy in the Middle. Send your question to [email protected] 🍂 Fall Coaching Special: Private coaching sessions at $100 each, the lowest pricing since Jane started coaching in 2019. Book for yourself, for the two of you as a couple, or as a Christmas gift for your adult children. Offer Ends October 31st.: Six Sessions for only $600! https://www.jane-copier.com/offers/xyZ2hxkR Single Sessions, $150 https://www.jane-copier.com/offers/Kzt7DW7E/checkout Love this episode? Share it with another couple who could use a little help lightening up this season, and leave a review so more Gen X Christian women can find us. 🤗 Thanks for listening, please like, subscribe, and leave me a 5 star review, so that I can continue to provide helpful relationship content for all of us. Book a Free Consultation with Jane Get my FREE Marriage Reset Starter Kit: https://www.jane-copier.com/StarterKit Welcome to Happy in the Middle, with your host, The Christian Marriage Coach, Jane Copier. I’m Jane Copier, and you're listening to Happy in the Middle, a podcast for Christian women navigating marriage, family relationships, and the beautiful work of becoming who God created them to be. As the Christian Marriage Coach, each week I offer practical tools and faith-filled conversations to help women just like you, create deeper connection, healthier communication, and a life, -and marriage, they love to coming home to. Let’s dive in! 3 Simple Steps to Leave an iTunes Review: Click here to listen in iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/happy-in-the-middle-a-podcast-for-christian-midlife-women/id1715566489 Scroll down until you see the reviews, and then click the button that says, “Leave a Review” Leave your review! Easy peasy! Find Jane at: Website: https://janecopiercoaching.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@christianmarriagecoach IG: https://www.instagram.com/jane.copier.coaching/ FB: https://www.facebook.com/LDSChristianMarriageCoach Email: [email protected] ❤️ Fell like private coaching is a better fit for you? I'd be honored to walk with you. Book a Free Consultation

The leaves are turning, the pumpkin spice candle is burning, and somewhere in your house the TV has been claimed for football. 🏈 Whether your household lives and breathes football from September to February or you couldn't care less, this episode isn't really about the game. It's about what happens in a marriage when one person is all in and the other is along for the ride (or not on the ride at all). In this lighter, fall-themed episode, Christian marriage coach Jane shares four things football season, or any seasonal tradition, can reveal about your marriage, plus a simple two-minute homework assignment that can save you a whole lot of frustration and resentment. If you just finished the marriage series with us, consider this your exhale. If you're new, welcome, friend. You're in the right place. In this episode, you'll learn: How to make room for "his thing" or "her thing" with generosity instead of a running scorecard Why inviting your spouse without expecting a yes protects your joy (and what a granddaughter's "mud spa" taught Jane about it) How to protect couple time during a five-month football season without canceling the game A word-for-word way to tell your husband you miss him without starting a fight How unspoken expectations quietly become resentment, and how to stop that cycle Why playfulness and laughing at yourselves is one of the most underrated tools in marriage This week's homework: Have a two-minute conversation before Saturday: "What does this weekend look like for you? Which games matter most? Here's what I'd love if it works…" Scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:9, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor." 🍂 Fall Coaching Special: Private coaching sessions at $100 each, the lowest pricing since Jane started coaching in 2019. Book for yourself, for the two of you as a couple, or as a Christmas gift for your adult children. Offer Ends October 31st.: Six Sessions for only $600! https://www.jane-copier.com/offers/xyZ2hxkR Single Sessions, $150 https://www.jane-copier.com/offers/Kzt7DW7E/checkout Love this episode? Share it with another couple who could use a little help lightening up this season, and leave a review so more Gen X Christian women can find us. 🤗 Thanks for listening, please like, subscribe, and leave me a 5 star review, so that I can continue to provide helpful relationship content for all of us. Book a Free Consultation with Jane Get my FREE Marriage Reset Starter Kit: https://www.jane-copier.com/StarterKit Welcome to Happy in the Middle, with your host, The Christian Marriage Coach, Jane Copier. I’m Jane Copier, and you're listening to Happy in the Middle, a podcast for Christian women navigating marriage, family relationships, and the beautiful work of becoming who God created them to be. As the Christian Marriage Coach, each week I offer practical tools and faith-filled conversations to help women just like you, create deeper connection, healthier communication, and a life, -and marriage, they love to coming home to. Let’s dive in! 3 Simple Steps to Leave an iTunes Review: Click here to listen in iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/happy-in-the-middle-a-podcast-for-christian-midlife-women/id1715566489 Scroll down until you see the reviews, and then click the button that says, “Leave a Review” Leave your review! Easy peasy! Find Jane at: Website: https://janecopiercoaching.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@christianmarriagecoach IG: https://www.instagram.com/jane.copier.coaching/ FB: https://www.facebook.com/LDSChristianMarriageCoach Email: [email protected]

Is your marriage ready for a reset? Do you love your spouse, but feel like something is missing from your marriage? Maybe you aren't fighting. Maybe your marriage looks fine from the outside. But perhaps you've become more like roommates than best friends…. You're functioning well together, but you're not really connecting. In this episode of Happy in the Middle, Jane Copier answers the most common questions about Marriage Reset, her eight-week guided coaching experience for couples who love each other but want to find each other again. You'll learn what Marriage Reset is, who it's for, what happens during the eight weeks, and what you can do if you're more motivated to improve your marriage than your spouse. If you're married and longing for more connection, friendship, emotional intimacy, better communication, and a shared vision for your next chapter, this conversation is for you. You are not too late. You can find each other again. Learn more and register for Marriage Reset Here Join Jane for her FREE Marriage Masterclass: "FIND EACH OTHER AGAIN" A fun and informative 60-minute workshop to help you and your partner learn to reconnect. You'll discover why loving couples can lose emotional connection, the patterns that create distance, and simple shifts that can help you begin finding your way back to each other. And if you can, come with your spouse. Make it a date night. Sit beside each other. Give your marriage one hour of your attention, -not because your marriage is broken, but because it matters. [REGISTER FOR THE FREE MARRIAGE MASTERCLASS] ❤️ Fell like private coaching is a better fit for you? I'd be honored to walk with you. Book a Free Consultation 🤗 Thanks for listening, please like, subscribe, and leave me a 5 star review, so that I can continue to provide helpful relationship content for all of us. Book a Free Consultation with Jane Get my FREE Marriage Reset Starter Kit: https://www.jane-copier.com/StarterKit Welcome to Happy in the Middle, with your host, The Christian Marriage Coach, Jane Copier. I’m Jane Copier, and you're listening to Happy in the Middle, a podcast for Christian women navigating marriage, family relationships, and the beautiful work of becoming who God created them to be. As the Christian Marriage Coach, each week I offer practical tools and faith-filled conversations to help women just like you, create deeper connection, healthier communication, and a life, -and marriage, they love to coming home to. Let’s dive in! 3 Simple Steps to Leave an iTunes Review: Click here to listen in iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/happy-in-the-middle-a-podcast-for-christian-midlife-women/id1715566489 Scroll down until you see the reviews, and then click the button that says, “Leave a Review” Leave your review! Easy peasy! Find Jane at: Website: https://janecopiercoaching.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@christianmarriagecoach IG: https://www.instagram.com/jane.copier.coaching/ FB: https://www.facebook.com/LDSChristianMarriageCoach Email: [email protected]