Unparented

"Those comments can sound like love and land like an assignment." In this solo episode, I talk to the surviving parent about what a grieving teenager might actually need from you. Your teen comes home, says they're fine, and goes straight upstairs. Are they avoiding their grief, or are they just being a teenager? Most of the time, it's both. My dad died when I was fourteen. When I look back, I don't really remember adults making me feel seen or heard. Maybe they did and I blocked it out, or maybe I just wasn't listening. So this episode is about the quiet, ordinary ways adults can keep showing up, even when a teenager doesn't seem to notice. We talk about why "you can always talk to me" can be too big an opening for a teen, and how to make it smaller: "Do you want company? Or do you want space tonight?" We talk about the closed bedroom door, and how sometimes a teenager goes upstairs not to get away from you but so you won't see them fall apart. And we talk about how a grieving teen can quietly start protecting you by hiding what they feel, doing chores before anyone asks, and becoming the calm one in the room, while the adults around them praise it. But underneath all of it, this episode is about letting your teenager stay a teenager. I share what the research says, from a small interview study with grieving kids to the American Academy of Pediatrics' guidance on why "you're the man of the house now" is something not to say, and a long-term study suggesting that helping the grieving parent helps the kid too. We talk about: why "you can always talk to me" can be too big a job to hand a teenager how a teen can start protecting a grieving parent, and why adults often praise it letting your kid see your grief without making it their job to hold you together signs it's time to bring in more support how some teens stay connected to the parent who died through memories, keepsakes, or a sense of their guidance why getting support for your own grief helps your kids why your teen may not remember the plate you saved, and why you should save it anyway At its core, this episode is about making sure your teenager doesn't have to perform their grief for you to remember they're grieving. Next Monday: Who Takes Care of the Parent Who Has to Keep Parenting? If you're worried about someone's immediate safety, call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org (U.S.). Research mentioned: Wray et al. (2026), Death Studies: ray.yorksj.ac.uk/id/eprint/13999 Schonfeld et al. (2024), American Academy of Pediatrics: schoolcrisiscenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/06/peds.2024-067212.pdf Hansen et al. (2016), Palliative & Supportive Care: pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26459163 Sandler et al. (2010), Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine: pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3030985 National Alliance for Children's Grief: nacg.org/additional-support Learn more about Robert DelFave's grief coaching and writing Website: robertdelfave.com Grief coaching: robertdelfave.com/coaching Schedule a complimentary Grief Map Session: Book a Grief Map Session The Other Side of This: robertdelfave.com/book Contact: [email protected] Unparented is hosted by Robert DelFave, grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, and author of The Other Side of This.

This conversation first aired on Carried Forward on September 8, 2026. I’m sharing it through Unparented so Rebecca’s story remains available. Rebecca Gaeta lost both of her parents when she was eight years old. Her mother died from a brain tumor, and her father died by suicide. In a family where grief was rarely discussed, Rebecca learned to remain quiet about what she felt and needed. It took decades for her to recognize how much of that childhood loss she was still carrying. In this conversation, Rebecca talks about growing up without her parents, finding support later in life, and learning to feel compassion for the child she once judged as weak and needy. She also reflects on forgiveness, faith, and the difference between finding meaning after a loss and believing the loss needed to happen. Losing both parents at eight years old Growing up in a family that did not talk about grief How childhood loss can return during adulthood Judging the grieving child you once were Learning to see childhood needs with compassion Why grieving children need permission to express what they feel The difference between being pressured to forgive and finding your own peace Supporting someone when you do not know what to say Finding meaning through helping others Why meaning does not require believing the loss had to happen If you lost a parent young and learned to keep going without talking about it, you may recognize parts of yourself in Rebecca’s story. Rebecca Gaeta is a retired marriage and family therapist. She spent 20 years in private practice and now leads a grief group through her church. Her work and personal story bring together lived experience, professional knowledge, faith, and compassion for people carrying loss. If this episode brought something into focus and you want help understanding where grief is showing up in your life now, Robert offers complimentary Grief Map conversations for adults. Together, you take a practical look at what you are carrying, where it is affecting your life, and what kind of support may help. Learn more or schedule a conversation Website The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens Email: [email protected] This episode discusses childhood parental loss, suicide, complicated family grief, forgiveness, and the long-term effects of early loss. Rebecca’s experience is personal to her. This conversation offers personal reflection and general education. It is not mental-health diagnosis, treatment, or advice for an individual situation.

After Alana Michaels’s father died suddenly, she began noticing numbers, songs, and moments that felt deeply connected to him. Her father, John “Johnny Mikes” Michaels, was a CPA, a devoted grandfather, a long-suffering Jets fan, and the kind of person whose funeral required an overflowing parking lot. To Alana, the experiences that followed his death became evidence that their relationship had changed but had not ended. In this episode of Unparented, Alana shares the night she learned her father had died, the compass shirt she felt compelled to find the following morning, and the unexpected number that appeared when she was struggling through her first Christmas Eve without him. She also talks about faith, bipolar disorder, music, family, and what happened when the experiences that initially comforted her began to change. Alana’s interpretation of these moments is personal. Listeners may understand them differently or may never have experienced anything they would call a sign. None of those differences says anything about how deeply someone loved their parent or how connected they remain. Who Johnny Mikes was as a father and grandfather The phone call that divided Alana’s life into before and after Anticipating a parent’s death while still being shocked when it happens The compass shirt Alana found the morning after her father died Why the number 1157 carries special meaning for her Experiencing the first Christmas, birthday, and family vacation without a parent Finding connections through music, numbers, and ordinary moments How Alana’s faith changed after her father’s death The relationship between grief, faith, and her experience of bipolar disorder Why the signs felt especially intense during the earliest months What happened when she stopped hearing her father’s voice The difference between feeling connected to someone and having them physically present How a continuing relationship can live through stories, choices, memories, and family Alana Michaels is a storyteller, speaker, mother, and host of H.O.P.E.—Hang On Pain Ends. Her podcast began as a place to discuss living with bipolar disorder and became a personal record of grief, faith, family, and life after the sudden death of her father. Listen to H.O.P.E.—Hang On Pain Ends Alana discusses Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe by Laura Lynne Jackson, a book about interpreting coincidences and experiences as communication from loved ones who have died. Learn more about Signs If you are trying to understand what your own grief looks like right now, Robert offers complimentary Grief Map conversations. Together, you take a practical look at what you are carrying, where it is affecting your life, and what kind of support may help. Learn more or schedule a conversation Website The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens Email: [email protected] This episode includes discussion of sudden parental death, heart attacks, an emotionally intense death notification, grief, bipolar disorder, and spiritual experiences following a death. The experiences and beliefs discussed belong to Alana. The episode does not present signs, communication after death, or any particular spiritual explanation as a universal fact. It offers personal reflection and general education, not mental-health diagnosis, treatment, or advice for an individual situation.

"I'm so sorry about your parents." "Thanks. It's okay." The response comes quickly, even when nothing about the loss feels okay. Sometimes "it is what it is" expresses acceptance. Sometimes it protects a boundary or saves us from explaining our grief in a place that cannot hold it. It can also help everyone escape an uncomfortable conversation. In this episode of Unparented, I look at what these familiar phrases may be doing beneath the surface. He explores the fear of burdening other people, the difference between acceptance and resignation, and why choosing not to talk is not automatically avoidance. Why grieving people may reassure the person offering sympathy How other people's discomfort can shape what we say about loss The difference between accepting a death and deciding that no support can help afterward Why silence can be a healthy boundary More honest ways to respond without sharing your entire story A private exercise for discovering what may come after "it is what it is" Finish this privately: It is what it is, and... You might write: It is what it is, and I hate that this is my life. It is what it is, and I miss having someone to call. It is what it is, and I do not want to talk about it today. It is what it is, and I wish someone would ask a better question. You do not have to share the answer. The exercise helps you notice whether the phrase feels like acceptance, a needed boundary, or a way of disappearing from the conversation. If this episode brought something into focus and you want help naming where grief is showing up in your life, I offer complimentary Grief Map conversations. You will take a practical look at what you are carrying, where it is affecting you, and what kind of support may help. Learn more or schedule: https://www.robertdelfave.com/coaching Website: https://www.robertdelfave.com Book, The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens: https://www.robertdelfave.com/book Podcast: https://www.robertdelfave.com/podcast Nina R. Jakoby, "Talking About Grief: Conversational Partners Sought by Bereaved People" Vanessa Juth and colleagues, "Social Constraints Are Associated with Negative Psychological and Physical Adjustment in Bereavement" Emily A. Butler and colleagues, "The Social Consequences of Expressive Suppression" Margaret Stroebe and colleagues, "Does Disclosure of Emotions Facilitate Recovery From Bereavement?" George A. Bonanno and colleagues, "Grief Processing and Deliberate Grief Avoidance" This episode offers general education and personal reflection. It is not mental-health diagnosis, treatment, or advice for an individual situation.

A photograph you cannot explain. A question from your child. A small detail about your own life that only your mother or father would have known. In this episode of Unparented, Robert DelFave explores what happens when the people who remembered your early life are no longer available to answer your questions. Robert shares a childhood memory of eating McDonald’s breakfast with his father and watching planes at the airport. Years later, he recognized how those mornings may still shape something he enjoys today. Drawing on research into autobiographical memory and the long-term experience of early parental loss, Robert considers why seemingly ordinary questions can carry so much weight. Sometimes we want a missing fact. Sometimes we want a conversation with someone who knew us before we could remember ourselves. The episode also makes room for complicated families, conflicting memories, unsafe relationships, and questions that may never receive satisfying answers. In this episode: How conversations with caregivers help us understand and organize memories from our lives. Why new questions about a parent can emerge years after their death. The difference between wanting information and wanting to be remembered. Why you are not responsible for anticipating every future question before someone dies. How milestones, parenting, and ordinary moments can renew grief. Ways to approach relatives or family friends when you want to ask about the past. Why another person’s memory can be meaningful without becoming the definitive version of what happened. How to acknowledge an unanswered question without turning it into a project you must solve. A question to take with you: What would I ask, and what do I hope the answer would give me? You may be looking for a name, date, or missing piece of family history. You may also be missing the person you wanted to have the conversation with. Both can be true. Connect with Robert Robert DelFave is a grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, QPR-trained Gatekeeper, and author of The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens. His father died when he was fourteen, and his mother died in his mid-twenties. If this episode brought up something you have been carrying and you would like help making sense of it, learn about Robert’s work and the complimentary 45-minute Grief Map Session at robertdelfave.com. Follow Unparented for conversations about losing a parent and how that experience continues shaping adult life. If this episode brought someone to mind, consider sharing it with them. Research mentioned Robyn Fivush: The Development of Autobiographical Memory Chater and colleagues: Reflections on Experiencing Parental Bereavement as a Young Person Ellis, Dowrick, and Lloyd-Williams: The Long-Term Impact of Early Parental Death A note about support This episode combines Robert’s personal experience, broader themes shared in public conversations about grief, and published research. Individual experiences of memory, family relationships, and parental loss vary. This episode is educational and is not a clinical assessment or mental-health treatment. Robert is not a therapist; grief coaching does not replace care from a qualified licensed mental-health professional. In the United States, call or text 988 for suicide or crisis support. In immediate life-threatening danger, call 911.